Monday, January 27, 2014

Geography, Socio-Political Impacts and Cultural Extremism in Sochi

"Holy Moley, this place is a shithole."

I've survived two previous trips to Russia prior to arriving on the 19th of Jan...
I spent a fortnight and a bit in the lovely garden spot of Kazan, Tatarstan in July, surrounded by college girls and 40+-year-old hookers...

I also spent the better part of a week on a site survey and test session in Krasnodar and Sochi, where I devoted most of my time to eating and drinking, and the remainder to throwing up.

Knowing there must be more to life in Russia, I thought it best to make inquiries about geography & culture from someone that has some history in that region...
I figured the best source for info would be the guy who conquered it years and years ago,
the one and only  Dread & Awfulness, the Czar of Muscovy, Божию Милостию, Император и Самодержец Всероссийский.*

So I tossed off a quick note to his Dreadness:
...I’m attempting to curry favor as I will shortly be leaving the sunny shores of Sydney and heading to my next gig in Sochi…

Any words of wisdom on dealing with the Georgians, Caucasians & the rest of the rather angry horde on the edge of the Black Sea?
Lo & behold, I was blessed with not only a reply (that didn't burn my skin off upon reading) but helpful hints...

First, yes: stay in Sydney. Why the hell leave there until late Spring, Northern Hemisphere?
(Yours Truly: I wish. Even if only for the bacon...)

Heck, it has been a long time since the Czar was in that part of the world, but yes. As you know, Sochi comes from the Tatar words со (“free sample”) and чи (“whores”), and is truly a miserable place. Be glad you are going in the month of лютень, because the sparrow-sized mosquitos will have finally died and even the old Baba Witch Woman of Odenska Street will have finally put a top on.
(YT: Dead skeeters, yes. Topless 110-year-old ბებია, alas, still topless. And cleans the rooms on my floor in the hotel. And somehow manages to enter my room every time I get in the shower. Fail.)

This is how we remember it. But you are going for the Olympics, and by golly, yes: the Czar has plenty of advice for dealing with Georgians, Caucasians, Armenians, and the Tartary-types that mill about the place. Fortunately, despite the wonderful diversity of cultures there, dealing with them is pretty much the same: you lop the men’s heads off with an axe and use your horses to scare the women widows and children into the woods. If they refuse to leave, burn their homes. But start the fires below the window lines so that the chimney effect burns them up faster. For effect, have some of your brutish men turn over their carts.
(YT: Alas, the ДПС confiscated my trusty Gerber Weapons "Castle G" Series, Czar edition Battle Axe - The two-handed 1721 model- Perfect for lopping the head off a papal emissary, so says the commemorative paperwork- the first time through Mag & Bag at the International Broadcast Center. I did get to keep my Bic lighter, so the fire thing is gonna happen.)

Also, don’t poison the wells: the water is filthy in that area, and largely frozen. To avoid cryptosporidia and giardia, you will want to keep those unfrozen wells potable for your return journey—one assumes you are sacking the Uzbeks—along the Terek River.
(YT: Yeah... I'll tell ya, right now, most wells and all standing water in the area are pretty much open sewers at this point. Nightly disinfection of all outer garments [especially shoes and boots] is the only way to avoid ringworm, dysentery, typhus,  yaws and goiters. Best to just set yourself on fire and be done with it.)
Some Georgian phrases could help you here. “გთხოვთ, არ მომეცი მწერები” means “Please do not give me insects.” Also, “ამ ცხენის ხორცის ფრენა კვერცხები” is useful to complain to the whoremonger that your meal of horsemeat has fly eggs in it. A phrase you will hear a lot there is “გვამი მდინარეში ერთხელ,” which means “There is a corpse in the river again.”
(YT: I've also learned, from a local horizontal dictionary the phrase "ჩემი საფრენი ნავი სავსეა გველი თევზი" which she tells me is a loose translation of, "Please bring me another carafe of your best wine", but sadly I am not using the correct pronunciation as all I get in return is a bucket and a fishing pole.)

But maybe they cleaned things up a little since the Czar was there. But probably not.
 Well... Um. Helpful. Yes...
Many thanks to Dread & Awful. His advice is just like most Microsoft products...
Perfectly correct, and completely useless.

*I have had several run-ins with The Czar and lived to tell the tale, but have been as yet unable to relate the events of that fateful day to anyone.
I caution anyone seeking to go Mano-a-Czar-o with his Awfulness get their affairs in order. And bring a nice cheese when they go.



Old NFO said...

Sounds like a typical trip for ya... :-) Hang in there Big Guy!

The Czar of Muscovy said...

Hey, I remember you! You were an all right guy. I liked ya. Plus you paid for the beer, and goodness knows that bill had a lot of zeroes in it.

We ate Irish food, no?

Your pal,
Божію Поспѣшествующею Милостію Мы, Дима Грозный Императоръ и Самодержецъ Всероссiйскiй, цѣсарь Московскiй

PS: God gave rock and roll to you. Put it in the soul of everyone.