Saturday, April 30, 2011

Big Brother



Secret messages from the Ramen Conspiracy


Sunday, April 24, 2011

The Doctor is in The (White) House

"I'm going to need a SWAT team ready to mobilise, street maps covering Florida, a pot of coffee, twelve jammie dodgers and a fez..."

(This, in case you didn't know, is a Jammie Dodger.)

The new season is under way!


Happy Easter Part Deux

 (I was saving this one for today, but my man The Feral Irishman (aka Pissed) jumped the gun on me and posted it last week. It's still dammed funny, so I'm posting it anyway).

But, I still need to put down something new for the holiday, after all, I can't keep posting the old tried-and-true "my butt hurts" cartoon every year...
Here's something that ought to give the kiddies (and pets) a few nightmares.
(cue: JAWS theme...)

(Rabbit of Caerbannog)

"Look at the bones, Man!"


Saturday, April 23, 2011

Caption Time

The Black Shadow motorcycle gang got a raw they're back and there's gonna be hell toupée.

"I'm not only the Hair Club president, I'm also a client"

 "It took Hiyoshi a couple days before he realized that we put crushed Viagra into his shampoo bottle"

"Give me a second, I'll open my trench coat and let you see the rest of my manscaping!"

Another Tsunami hits Asia, thousands dead from laughter.
(Too soon?)


Friday, April 22, 2011

Happy Easter

The Easter Bunny brought me a T-Bone for Easter...

No... Not that kind of T-Bone...

Yes, it hurt. Yes, I was wearing my safety belt.
Aside from some serious bruises I'm OK...

The guy who hit me is OK too...

I have a bad feeling Physalia's totaled...
She's not doing well.


Thursday, April 21, 2011

Yet Another #@$*%! Meme

...from the 'Patch

How many Justin Biebers could you take in a fight?


Giving New Meaning To The Phrase 'Sweet Tea'...

Chinese tea plantation seeks virgins to pick leaves with their MOUTHS

Li Yong, a spokesman for the Jiuhua plantation, said: 'It is much harder work than it looks.

I'll bet.

Maybe that's what drives Professor Elemental mad...

(yeah, a repost, but a GOOD repost.)

Off to get a cuppa the brown... Ta!


Tuesday, April 19, 2011

And The Memes Just Keep Coming....

Another meme via The 'Patch
The Zombie Bite Calculator
Created by Oatmeal


By George, I Think He's On To Something...

From my man RonH...

I get confused when I hear the word "Service" used with these agencies:
Internal Revenue 'Service'
U.S. Postal 'Service'
Telephone 'Service'
Cable TV 'Service'
Civil 'Service'
State, City, County & Public 'Service'
Customer 'Service'
This is not what I thought 'Service' meant.
But today, I overheard two farmers talking, and one of them said he had hired a bull to 'Service' a few cows.

It all came into focus.
Now I understand what all those agencies are doing to us.


Damn, They're Pretty Strict 'Round Here...


Friday, April 15, 2011

Poor Bastard

Another mesmerizing time-waster a la FML and Texts From Last Night.

Dear Girls Above Me

Two annoying girls moved into the apartment above me.
I'm forced to hear every dumb thing they say.
These are my letters to them.

Dear Girls Above Me,
“I hate St. Paddy’s Day cause I look fat in green, although getting pinched secretly turns me on.”
I live under you, it’s no secret.
Dear Girls Above Me,
“Wait, did the tsunami cause time to move ahead!?”
Nope, daylight savings did.

Schadenfreude, I has it.


Wednesday, April 13, 2011

Tonight, on Top Shot...

...Or is this from Sons of Guns?

I guess everyone enjoys a little Recoil Therapy.


Stop Helping Me

With friends like these, who needs enemies?

Someone (Ed? Roach? Stick?) loaded the tripods for the Geos in the van,
setting them point-first on top of the cases, so they are directly behind the driver's (i.e Yours Truly) head.


I got news for you- with a generous application of brakes those things would go through the driver barrier like tinfoil.

In some locations (Peru, Tibet, any US Airport) these things are
classified a deadly weapons...

You can see why.

First the carbon monoxide, now possible impalement.
I wonder if someone is paying them?

Who could it be... ?


Sunday, April 10, 2011

Tasty Morsels

Contrary to all the cutesy thoughts you might be thinking, an entirely different dialog is going on.

Cat: "How can I get this large tuna-like beastie up where I can sink my lunch hooks into it."
Flipper: "Soon, Fuzzy One...Very soon the hoomins will toss your furry ass to us, your Delphinid overlords."


Who DOESN'T Heart Bacon?

This pair is for the advertisement only...
Alas, they only come in sizes XXL, XXXL & XXXXL


Somehow, Ball Position Central has been infiltrated by Ceramic Amphibians, and a raccoon.

Jurassic Frog

I guess it could be worse... At least the frogs are quiet.

They could be sending EvilTrons over here. Or carbon monoxide detectors.


Watson, You Know My Methods

I was taking inventory this morning, planning out how to run operations for today, and how to start our strike & pack out this afternoon, rather than waiting for the end of play to start boxing up systems & gear and packing the truck.

As I was musing over the details, SGK and 'Roach were busily doing their start-of-day routines in other parts of the trailer.

"Hmmm... I know what I need..." I said, talking to myself.
Roach chimes in: "A bottle of rum?!"
SGK: "A woman?"
Roach: "A gun?"
SGK: "A woman with a bottle of rum and a gun?"
TBG: "Jeebus. Y'all know me too well."


Opening a Can of GrabAss.

Mag & Bag at the Nice Golf Course is, in a word, ineffective. And it's getting a little weird.

At best it is relatively quick and un-invasive, and at most it's tedious...
The scan your badge (in case yours was "lost" or
"stolen"), then they search your bag if your carrying one, then the wand you...
They give your backpack or purse the most cursory of glances... If they should happen to notice the laptop they ask to see my "Registered for the Use of The Tournament" sticker.

The Wanding, however, is...uh...starting to get disturbing.
There is one woman that keeps maneuvering and manipulating the line so she gets to banter with The Big Guy...

Yeah. You wish.

Wacky Wanda: "Stand over here , Honey. Oooh, you're a big ol' boy."
WW: "Get a little closer, Honey, I won't bite ya. Much."
I assume the position: Arms out, car keys in one hand, cell phone in the other.
I show her the sticker on the phone and she wands me down.
WW: "Turn around Honey..." I face away from her and she continues the Security Kabuki Theater.
"Ok, you're good to go. I'll see YOU tomorrow!"

Yesterday the "turn around" was accompanied by a "Mmm mm mm!" noise of approval, which is a little disturbing since my derrière is about attractive as 4-day-old Georgia roadkill.

Today I got the same Seal of Approval, and to add morbid and creepifying to the mix, she gave me a whack on the butt with her metal detector wand as I was walking away...
WW: "There, a little extra pat down for you..."

Wow. Disturbing on many many levels.
Glad today is Tournament Sunday.


Saturday, April 09, 2011

Gunbloggers Unite!

Click here to register!

Recoil Therapy!!


New Movies: The Goon

I cannot wait.


Friday, April 08, 2011

See the World, Scare the Peoples

Via my man Borepatch, (and Midwest Chick is in on the meme)
I haven't generated one of these in a while...

The good ol' US of A

visited 37 states (74%)
Create your own visited map of The United States

And now, The World

visited 52 states (23.1%)
Create your own visited map of The World

Waiting for the NBA to have an exhibition game at McMurdo Sound in Antarctica one of these days...



Number 13, Azalea


Thursday, April 07, 2011

Signs of the Apocalypse, April Edition.

This is what keeps me going...

Because it's true...



Wednesday, April 06, 2011

Practice Round Banter

The stress level is dropping out here at Secret Squirrel Central.

Our volunteers are getting back in the swing of things, data is flowing apace and all is well in Augusta.
The world, as Mr. Steinbeck would have said, is spinning in greased grooves.

Our topics of discussion, when we are not kvetching about software bugs undocumented features or hardware issues, range far and wide.

For instance...

SGK: "Hey, think about this... Macadamia Nut M&Ms."
Roach: "Walnut M&Ms. That's brain food."
SGK: "Pecans. Pecan M&Ms."
Yours Truly: "Hell, they have almond, peanut, peanut butter, dark chocolate...You'd think they could do macadamias.
Roach: "Yeah, but there'd only be 2 in a bag and they be six bucks per bag."
YT: "They had those great krispy M&Ms a while back. Loved those."
SGK: "PB&J M&Ms That'd be awesome."
YT: "I'm waiting for them to figure out how to fit an Oreo inside an M&M."

Amateurs discuss Strategy;
Professionals discuss Tactics;
Statisticians discuss where the next meal/snack is coming from.


Tuesday, April 05, 2011

House of Disappointment and Rude Awakenings

My roomies and I are staying in the same house that we had last year.
(We usually rent several houses instead of a crapload of hotel rooms.)

This house, it is the epic fail.

On my first night here this year the doorbell was rung at about 2:30 AM...
I'm pretty sure it was one of our co-workers that were in one of the other houses in the neighborhood playing a little prank.
They ought to know better.
They've been warned now.

Last year there was a big note on the washing machine:
"Drain problems. Please open lid occasionally while machine drains so it does not overflow."

This year, the note was still in place...
So, with all the dough you got paid to rent your house for a week, you couldn't save $35.00 to have Roto-Rooter come out and snake your washing machine drain?
So... When you do a load of laundry, you need to listen for the spin cycle to start, drop what you're doing and run out to open the lid.

Personally, I'm not feeling an overwhelming need to keep the wash water from spilling on your floor, bud.

On a much more irritating note, we had a crew call for 6:45 AM on Monday, so we were figuring wheels-up at 6:30 and adjusted our wake up schedule accordingly.
My alarm was set for 5:30.

As Murphy would have it, at 4:45 AM we were awakened by a blaring alarm in the house. I stumbled out looking for smoke or fire, and not finding anything obvious I looked for the smoke detector (of which there are several) to reset.
There was one over my bedroom door... Nope not that one.
And it wasn't the one over Cockroach's door either.
SGK came out of her room with a glare that would have left lesser men a quivering basket case.
"Turn that damn noise off!"
"I'd love to, but I don't know which alarm is going off." I told her.
I even opened the attic access, thinking there might be a detector up there.
No joy.
Roach finally found the author of our discontent...
A carbon monoxide detector plugged into a wall socket in the hallway down at shin-level.
And it wouldn't reset.

Quickly reverting to problem-solving mode, I took the device and put in the crisper drawer in the 'fridge and tried to get back to sleep for a few more minutes.

No Joy.

There will be a nasty letter...


Fast forward to Monday PM


A rather nasty cold front moved through the southeast last night.
We were prepared for it... All our equipment at the site was buttoned up or battened down, secured or put away to avoid unnecessary damage.
We hit the sack early, since I was shorted that extra 45 minutes on the leading edge of the day, and we had the same 6:30 departure target.

At about 1:30 AM, an alarm started blaring in my room.
(My room is actually a home office with a rather uncomfortable (small) bed and a large desk covered with many Objets d'Tech...)
Of course, the power was out due to the storm.
So, blaring alarm, no lights, blindly groping for my bag to find my flashlight, so I can find the next item that will be placed in the crisper drawer...
I finally find my light and I start my search- and the offending item this time, a Radio Shack weather alert radio, tucked away behind the mountain of other crap...
And it has no controls on it. No off switch, no volume knob or button, battery operated.
What the hell kind of crap technology is this?
The alert tone finally ended and a NOAA weater warning started- Tornado warning for our area.
One weather radio, in the crisper drawer.

This crap is starting to damage my calm...

I have revised my plan.
No nasty letter.

I'm getting a half a pound of shrimp from the Kroger and hiding them in strategically located places around the house.
Inside the curtain rods.
Behind the wine rack.
On the top of the kitchen cabinets.

And a note to Constant Readers in Augusta (...and you know who you are...)
Someone wants to be Mr. Funny Man and ring my doorbell tonight, that crisper drawer is gonna be mighty full.
And if you think I can't fit a 200lb comedian/network specialist in a crisper drawer, you don't know the power of an angry ogre with a Cuisinart.


Nice Golf Club Out-of-Context

"I'm letting her play with it."