Friday, November 24, 2006

Next year...

And to NH, who suggested delving into the world of Multibird Cookery...
The Turducken... (John Madden's favorite)
A de-boned turkey stuffed with a boneless duck that is stuffed with a boneless chicken...
A tasty idea... although I would have to give it the old Uncle Jay spin...

Spend the better part of November de-boning various forms of poultry & such, then cooking up the following delicacy...
A humming bird stuffed into a sparrow, stuffed into a crow, stuffed into a seagull, stuffed into a pheasant, stuffed into a chicken, stuffed into a duck, stuffed into a goose, stuffed into a guinea hen, stuffed into a peacock, stuffed into a turkey, stuffed into an emu, stuffed into an ostrich, stuffed into a bigger turkey (say, Michael Moore) stuffed into an waterbuffalo, stuffed into a pterodactyl, stuffed into a Cessna 410...

Mmmmm. That's good eatin'!

TBG Out-

Bonehead alert!

Holy crap!

I made a real bonehead mistake in my instructions for fried turkey...

(I plead insanity- I was insanely busy while trying to write these instructions; The Tennis Masters Cup semifinals were underway and I was trying to monitor gamestate and change the logos and write at the same time...Multitasking is not my strong suit. Heh.)

BEFORE YOU UNWRAP THE BIRD, you must figure out how much oil to use.
Put wrapped bird in empty pot and run water into pot.
Fill until bird is covered by 2 inches of water.
Make a fill-to mark side of pot (inside) with a Sharpie.
Dump water and move onto prep.

It should read:
BEFORE YOU UNWRAP THE BIRD, you must figure out how much oil to use.
Put wrapped bird in empty pot and run water into pot.
Fill until bird is covered by 2 inches of water.
Remove the bird at this point.
Make a fill-to mark side of pot (inside) with a Sharpie.
Dump water and move onto prep.

Of course, anyone with half a brain (which is what I am equipped with) would know that to measure volume via water displacement method one would have to remove the object in question in order to get a proper quantum... Geez, even a UGA graduate would know there was a missing step here...

And a huge thank you the DH for slapping me upside the head and pointing out my error...

Famous, out-

Wednesday, November 22, 2006

Giving you The Bird - Uncle Jay's Fried Turkey

I have had several requests for my Fried Turkey recipe...
This is the recipe I've been using for ten years now-

I got this basic recipe from a guy I worked with back at KBJ Architects years ago- Paul Robinson, from down in St Augustine, gave it to me one afternoon as I frantically scribbled it down on a sheet of stolen graph paper...
I've eaten some other people's recipes and I've toyed with other flavors and procedures (Mojo Bird for instance), but this is the all-time favorite. I usually cook 6 to 10 turkeys on Thanksgiving and/or Christmas for friends, neighbors and co-workers... We have been doing a Thanksgiving dinner at work for several years, and this recipe is always well-recieved.

For the last two years I have been in recovery from my return from China and the Tennis Masters Cup during Thanksgiving week, basically too tired to go through all the BS to cook a bunch of birds for dinner.
I got a couple e-mails while I was in Shanghai asking if I was cooking this year and when I said I wasn't, a couple people asked for the recipe...

Well... I've given this recipe to folks before, and there has been Some Trouble...
People take the recipe and make substitutions, and/or change the procedures, then get substandard results... and then complain to me about it.

Well... I'm publishing this recipe here- If you want to use it you'll have to make the pledge...
(Note: If you don't make the pledge and use this recipe and make even one tiny little change, quick Karma will do you in...Be advised.)

Hokay! Here we goes...

Uncle Jay's Fried Turkey Recipe. (v

Repeat after me...

I promise to faithfully follow all instructions given to me in preparing Uncle Jay's Fried Turkey.
I will use only bona-fide and sanctioned ingredients and I will protect myself and my family by following all saftey procedures.
I will protect the sanctity of The Recipe by reproducing it faithfully, keeping all ingredients and procedures intact, and I will give proper credit upon dispersal to friends and family.
This recipe is intellectual property of Uncle Jay Enterprises, LTD.

Pax Vobiscum.

Stuff you're gonna need:

Turkey Fryer Stuff (Big-ass pot, bird stand, lift hook, propane burner & full tank.)
One 2-gallon ziplock bag.
Fresh Turkey. 9-13 lbs, depending on your pot.
Anything over 13 lbs is probably too big for average pot.
(And I mean fresh. Not frozen thawed ... Fresh. Publix has the best ones.)
One bottle Red Stripe Beer. (Or 1 sixpack: 1 bottle for recipe, 5 bottles for the cook.)
5 gallons of peanut oil.
(NOT canola, vegetable, safflower, coconut, motor, oilve, grapeseed or any other type of oil.)
One shaker can of Tony Cacheries Cajun Seasoning.
(NOT the "low salt" version. Get the green can.)
Kosher Salt.
One injecting syringe & needle. (#20 horse needle is nice)
12 inches of twine
Long-stem thermometer
Welders gloves or oven mitts.
Large cardboard box (refrigerator size is good)
One turkey-sized disposable aluminum pan.
24 or 32oz plastic cup (Like from the soda fountain at the gas station.)


Work Preparation:

1. Make sure your propane tank is full.
2. ALL cooking will take place outside.
3. Every time you touch the raw turkey, you will wash your &*#$@ hands BEFORE you touch ANYTHING else.
4. Make sure you have a large surface to work on to prepare the bird.
5. Sanitation hint: Once you start working on the bird, have an assistant pour the seasoning /salt /etc from the container into your hands as you need it. If you touch the can, you WILL cross-contaminate, and you WILL spend several hours in the bathroom counting tiles.
Also, put down several layers on newspaper on your prep will save time on cleanup.


Cook Prep:

(Part one is done the night before, all prep must be finished before 11:00PM.
(I'm not kidding.)

BEFORE YOU UNWRAP THE BIRD, you must figure out how much oil to use.
Put wrapped bird in empty pot and run water into pot.
Fill until bird is covered by 2 inches of water.
Remove the bird at this point.
Make a fill-to mark side of pot (inside) with a Sharpie.
Dump water and move onto prep.

Prepare Bird

1. Pour beer into 24 or 32 oz. plastic cup
(Using this cup will make it easier to mix the seasoning and get it into the syringe.)
2. Agitate beer (take some of the fizz out of it.)
3. Let foam subside
4. Put 3 tablespoons of Tony Cacheries seasoning in the beer.
5. Mix THOUROUGHLY. (Lots of salt in there that needs to dissolve.)
6. Let mixture stand
7. Unwrap bird, remove "goodies" from inside body cavity and neck cavity.
8. Rinse bird well, especially inside. Fill with water several times, until water runs clear.
9. Make sure there are no ice crystals inside.
10. working from the cavity end of the bird, run your hands up under the skin of the turkey, separating the skin from the meat. Do both sides, and try to get down toward the thighs and wings.
(IMPORTANT - Try NOT to tear the skin as you do this. The skin protects the meat as it cooks...If it is excessively torn, the unprotected meat will cook incorrectly and leave dry sections of meat.)
11. Take small handfuls of Tony Cacheries seasoning and insert it under the skin of the turkey, rubbing it on the meat up as far as you can under the skin with your hands...(again, careful not to tear skin).
12. Sprinkle a good amount of seasoning into body cavity.
13. Sprinkle a good amount of kosher salt into body cavity.
14. Give your beer mixture a good stir.
15. Fill your injecting syringe with the mixture.
16. Inject syringefuls of mix into the breastmeat, moving the needle around to different points to evenly distribute mixture. Also inject thighs and drums. Use all the mixture.
17. When finished, pull the ends of the legs together, cross the ends of the bones and tie them together with twine. Fold and tuck wingtips under the body.
18. Sprinkle the outside of the bird liberally with kosher salt.
19. Put bird in 2 gallon ziplock bag. (You will need help with this.)
20. Both you and your assistant GO WASH YOUR F%&#@$ING HANDS.
21. Put the bagged bird in the fridge.
22. Roll up the newspaper from your work surface and throw it away.
23. Clean EVERYTHING with disinfectant.
24. A nice cold Red Stripe would be good right about now.


Cooking Time!


1. Set up your burner on a large flat hard surface.
The driveway is good. On the lawn is bad.
Put down cardboard under the burner assembly, unless your want a nice oilstain if there is an accidental spill. Keep away from the house, car, pets, or anything else flammable.
2. Have your FIRE EXTINGUISHER on hand.
3. Bring out your bird and place on work surface.
4. Put pot on ground.
5. Fill your pot to the fill-to mark with peanut oil.
6. Light burner.
7. Adjust flame- you want a medium-high flame.
8. Put filled pot on lit burner.
(At this point you must NEVER leave the cooking area unattended.)
9. Put thermometer in oil, making sure the tip doesn't touch the bottom or sides.
10. Heat oil to 350.
(This will take a little while, but not that long. Watch the thermometer.)
11. Unwrap bird and impale NECK SIDE DOWN on bird stand.
12. GO WASH YOUR F%&#@$ING HANDS while your assistant watches the oil.
13. When oil is at 350, put on your welders gloves/pot holders.
14. When oil is at 365-370, remove thermometer and pick up the bird with the hook and carefully lower it into the oil. Remove the hook.
It will bubble up quite a bit, and there will be a lot of steam, so watch your hands/wrists.
Also, watch for overspill; if oil is too near the top of the pot, oil may overflow.
Be very careful.

Monitor the oil temp. Keep between 350 and 370.

A beer might be good right about now...but only one.

Cooking Times:

Weight - Cook time
9 lbs - 36 mins
10 lbs - 36 mins
11 lbs - 38 mins
12 lbs - 38 Mins
13 lbs - 39 Mins

15. At end of cooking time, hook the eye of the bird stand and raise the bird from the oil.
16. Place bird stand on work surface and let stand for 5 minutes before doing anything else with the bird.
17. While bird cools, kill the fire on the burner.

It will take more than an hour to cool the oil to a point where it can be easily and safely moved.
IF YOU ARE VERY CAREFUL you can move the pot from the stand and put it somewhere safe to cool. Use your welders gloves/oven mitts. Make sure it is safe from kids, animals and accidental contact.

18. After 5 mins, tip bird of stand and into disposable pan and take it inside the house.
19. The bird will be easier to work with if you give it 20 or so minutes to cool.
It will still be very hot inside.
Carve it up 15 or so minutes before ready to serve.


After dinner, go deal with the oil.
Pour it back in the bottle (strain it) and save it for cooking a turkey at Christmas.
Used oil is good (stored in cool dark place) for 6 to 8 months.

Famous, out-

Tuesday, November 21, 2006

Tennis Masters Cup - 2007

Another Tennis Masters Cup Tournament is in the books-

If you weren't following it, Federer schooled James Blake big time...
6-0, 6-3, 6-4 in an hour and 43 minutes.
A far cry from last year's 4+ hour match between Nalbandian and Federer.

Tennis Masters Cup - Main Page

Final scores

Official Photo Gallery

Some photos from the Tournament...

The Product

Videowall Cubes...ready to be assembled.

Why wideo wall cubes? Because we can rotate a larger number of sponsors for more exposure...

See that China Union Pay logo on the wall?
Great exposure for sponsors...they love it.

Even from a distance...

The view from the cheap seats is good...

We did content for the scoreboard videowalls...

Match Statistics

And schedules...

The Stadium (QiZhong at Minhang)

The stadium is pretty impressive:

Main Gates

Food and Exhibition Tents

The People

The $3-a-day guys...

Videowall Guys

Fixing a blownout cube on the Lighthouse side.

Yours Truly

An aerial view of YT at work...


After the last match we made record time breaking down and packing our equipment.

All I need are these flowers and this beer...

Getting out - Getting home

We had a 5:30am car to the airport...
After we arrived at the airport, cleared the ATA Customs check with our equipment, got checked in and cleared security, we had a good 20 minutes before boarding time.

K-Flan hadn't had coffee yet... A necessity for him to function properly.
In leiu of breakfast, he ordered a coffee (which took forever to arrive) and a large orange juice. The OJ arrived- and provided much entertainment until the coffee showed up.

The festive OJ...

The return flight was almost non-eventful.

The 5-page complaint letter I sent to Northwest airlines didn't do much good...
No complimentary upgrade was waiting for me, so no love there...

Months ago I reserved an emergency row seat... That held out, so at least I had someplace to put my legs on this trip. Thank Ghod for small favors...
Only a small delay on the Shanghai-Tokyo leg, and a short delay (one hour) on the Tokyo-Detroit flight...
I got my bags and made it through customs without the rubber-glove treatment, but just barely...
Why "just barely"...
Throughout the day on Monday, a constant tirade to all and sundry was going on...
Redneck, who hates airtravel, and US-based airlines specifically, kept a constant bitching to anyone with an ear...
He was mostly silent from the hotel to the airport, although I know he wanted to bitch, he really didn't have any foundation for it...
But once we got to the airport the lack of coffee started to get the best of him and the memory of our inbound issues began to wear on him and he decided to see if he could get some satisfaction out of NWA in the form of an upgrade to Business Class, in order to compensate for his discomfort on the inbound flight...

Do you remember the old saying- "You can get much further with a kind word and a gun than you can with a kind word alone."
This is K-Flan's modus operandi...except in this case, the "gun" is his profanity-laced baritone voice, which carries across the check-in area like an angry wave. Alas, he is carrying on, loud and long, in a East Arkansas dialect, which the diminutive Chinese NWA ticket agent doesn't understand...
Colloquilisms such as "...beatdown like a red-headed stepchild" and "he's gonna get hit so hard he's gonna hum like a ten-penny finishing nail struck with a greasy ball-peen hammer" make absolutely no impression on people who speak English as a second language. All they do is look at you funny and say "one minute prease" and go find someone else who might speak a little more Engrish to pass the buck onto...
Meanwhile, K-Flan just has another opprtunity to voice (long and loud) his displeasure with NWA, and how this kind of run-around is EXACTLY the kind of problem he's talking about...
Problem two: He does this everywhere. To everyone.
Even people that don't have any connection to NWA or any reason to listen to him.
Like the people in the coffee shop in the Shanghai airport.
Yo! K-Flan... Learn which windmills to tilt at, dude. The waitress (who only understands basic Engrish works like "coffee" "coke" "sandwich") doesn't understand when your coffee order goes something like "Coffee, and it better be better'n the black sludge that North-F$@#ing-West bankrupcy-operatin' Airlines drains from their broken down septic treatment systems and the mo-ron flight-incompetent-attendants serves up to their paying customers..."
It only scares the waitress...thinking your are ordering something she doesn't understand and that she'll get yelled at because she didn't understand...

Also... (Because it could possible affect me)
I don't care if you verbally harass the filght attendants or whomever, especially since we sit far away from each other...nothing to connect him to Yours Truly...
(Because a Flight Attendant with a hot pot of coffee standing near him might be tempted to "accidentally" spill some on him during a bout of "turbulence" nudge-nudge-wink-wink)
But- once you are off the plane and you are in the netherworld of Customs and Immigration, it highly recommended to Shut The F#$@ Up until your have passed through all the inspection areas... Uncle Jay's Rule of Airport Survival # 3- Do Not Draw Attention to Yourself....

So, while we are waiting in line and the Customs Inspector is reviewing paperwork, when the inspector asks him for his declaration form, he starts in on NWA's uselessness in providing forms and how they are incompetent in serving their customers...
Hint: If you talk too much, you look suspicious. Shut The F$#@% Up.

But- even with all the bitching whining and moaning, he was still stuck back in steerage with trhe rest of us cattle.

But we made it back...

And, once again... just to add insult to injury... we run into Jacksonville International Airport's inability to get bags from the plane to the baggage claim in a timely manner...

It was a record-breaker last night...
57 minutes before the bag claim started running.
The bags came out about 1 bag every 15 seconds... That's right. 4 bags per minute...
I got 2 of my bags in 20 minutes... the third bag never showed up.
(Not JIA's fault. It didn't make the plane from Detroit, although I can't figure why the 2 heavy equipment cases made it but the bag with my clothes in it didn't.

I waited until conveyor belt stopped moving then headed to the complaint office...
The nice lady in there took my claim check numbers and tracked the bag- it was still in Detroit.
She took the info and said they'd deliver them when they came in...

And I finally got to leave...

So, just to put the final numbers to bed...
Expected ETA in Jax - 5:30.
Actual arrival time - 5:45
Ground wait in Jax because another plane was still at our gate: 21 minutes.
Depart plane: 6:12
Arrive Baggage claim: 6:17.
Baggage claim starts running: 7:14
Bag one arrives 7:30
Bag two arrives 7:33.
Bag claim finishes 7:45.
Lost bag claim filed at 8:04 (4 other people in line before me.)
Depart JIA : 8:15.

Why does it take 2 hours to get (or not get) bags at this airport?

And now this...
Jacksonville Registered Traveler Program

Hey, JIA-
You'd be better off taking some of that money and instead of building a lounge for frequent flyers, hire a few more baggage guys...

Amazing- Out.

Saturday, November 18, 2006

Closure issues

I never finish anyth

Friday, November 17, 2006


The quote of the week from K-Flan:

"Well... It's going to hurt until it gets better."
Well, duh, Captain Obvious.

Somewhere there is a voodoo doll going
"What the hell is going on? My arm is killing me!"

K-Flan has spent the last few mornings in the room we are affectionately calling JoAnna's House o' Pain.
And every morning she puts in a few more needles than the previous session.
The poor bastard is going to look like a sea urchin pretty soon.

"Hi. I'm K-Flan. Better keep your distance."

But seriously...
She's making him look like a porcupine...

A little antiseptic never hurts...

"I haven't even put a needle in yet..."

That's one down, six to go...

Let's see how many needles we can stick into his elbow...

White knuckles. Do you think he's a little tense?

Some of these babies are in deep!

I'm in my happy place... Nothing can bother me...

...until this bastard comes in and starts twisting the needles....

And Joanna just laughs and laughs...

Oooo... she's evil.

Famous, out.

Thursday, November 16, 2006

The Great Firewall of China

If you are in a country where Interweb access to Blogger sites are blocked, I have found a little goodie to help you keep up with your favorite sites without incurring the wrath of the Ministry of Information's minions.

Typically, the firewall tables mask out all sites with string "blogspot" in the URL.
There is another censoring entity that does this, but we won't discuss it here...

In any case, if you'd like to peruse a Blogspot site in an area of restricted access, log onto and type in the first name of the desired Blogspot address.
(This is the only tricky spot... for instance, my site is, not It takes a little digging to get the correct URL.)

Anyway- pay a visit to and get the full scoop...

TBG Out-

Wednesday, November 15, 2006

Shanghai: The beatings will continue until morale improves.

Lots more fun and games here in Eastern China...

Out and about:

Paul does some sightseeing in a local tourist attraction.

Did she wash those in Windex?
'Cause I can really see myself in her pants tonight...

In the interest of protecting reputations of the International Visitors to Shanghai, the management of has elected to practice some selective censorship...

We wouldn't want anyone to get in trouble with the folks back home, you understand.

K-Flan's elbow has been bothering him for the last few months... It's a variation on tennis elbow caused by motorcycle riding. The arm position and posture causes some discomfort that is a cross between tennis elbow and carpal tunnel.
Obviously, this has ruined his sex life completely (which is too much information and I could really care less about that...)
More importantly, it means he can't tote and lift equipment, which means I have to do it... and that, me Bucko, is something we simply cannot abide.

So... The fair Joanna, physiotherapist to the players at the TMC suggested a course of accupuncture.
Heh heh heh...
(Remember Jay's Blog Postulate No. 1: Someone else's pain, discomfort or misfortune is the basis of all comedy, and thus, makes for a good blog post.)
So today before start of play we hunted Joanna up and got her to dust off her instruments of torture healing and she went to work.

"You might feel some discomfort or maybe pass out."

Joanna: We will need to put in 4 or 5 more needles...
K-Flan: You're gonna need 4 or 5 more people to hold me down to do it...


Were...were there monkeys...?
Terrifying Sea Monkeys?

So I'm shopping at the Family Mart this morning picking up some of the tasty little triangular ricecakes... The ones with the tuna filling are especially tasty...

I found this next to the carbonated beverages...

I'm not sure what this is, but the stuff suspended in the liquid is/are little fuzzy things reminiscent of Sea Monkeys...

But just because I bought it, that doesn't mean I have to drink it...

Amazing, Famous!

Tuesday, November 14, 2006

Gee. What a shocker.

We interrupt our Shanghai 2006 coverage with this breaking story from the world of entertainment...

From our "Who didn't see this coming" Department:

Reports: Britney Spears Sex Tape Real, Fed-ex To Sell It

(I love it... K-Fed is now Fed-ex. Those wacky tabloid writers...)

Famous, out-

We now return you to our coverage of WWF: Redneck vs. The Celestial Kingdom. Now on pay-per-view.

Monday, November 13, 2006

Taken out of context... And Funny Fotos!

From our "I guess you had to be there" Department:

  • K-Flan: Ok... I just realized we were under the balls...

  • Sam: If it tastes good, it was meat.

  • YT: Look, I know *how* to rob banks, but I don't go out and *do* it.

  • K-Flan: A loud native pruning? Oh... *Allowed* native pruning.

  • YT: He's the anti-Samson... The longer the hair gets, the weaker he gets.

  • Alex: Do not bullshit the Frog... (Spoken with an outrageous French accent)

  • YT: Don't talk to the street critters. They will follow you home and present other difficult problems.

  • YT: Since we didn't get napkins, the sofa we are sitting on will make an adequate hand towel. (Perhaps a bit difficult to wipe one's face with, but useful none the less...)


More Shanghai photo goodness... Now with Retsyn!

Oh, yeah. Oooh. Ahhh. That's how it always starts. Then later there's the running and the screaming.

Celebrity sighting 1.
Gil the crab from the Honda Element commercials.

Mmmm... Tasty.

Celebrity sighting 2.
The worlds lamest mascot:
Dumb Lion-Dog-Thing Mascot for the Tennis Masters Cup.

This thing is pitiful...

Even worse than Brutus:

The Ohio State Buckeye mascot...

K-Flan looking for a nice shirt to go with his leathers...

Does this shirt make me look fat?

The Killer TV

This is the possessed TV that took a bite out of my head last week... See the blood dripping from it's fangs...

Dude. The ears. Seriously.

Better do something about those...

You have to like traveling next to a truck carrying toxic explosives...

With a happy face skull-and-crossbones.

Stefan & Froggy...

A shocking gesture at the churrascaria...

Don't come between K-Flan and his meat.

Just leave the whole skewer here and no one gets hurt...

Let's see... What else can we dispense from a machine?

Mmmmm! Simply delicious mashed potatoes!

And finally-
Mal and Michelle catching a bite between the singles and the doubles...

How's that Udon and pizza?


Shanghai 2006 - the adventure continues

So we've been kicking around the the site and the city...

I thought got stared at alot...

I was wrong. Walking around with K-Flan is interesting...
The locals look at him with a mixture of suprise and fear. Or maybe it's the combination of the both of us...
Hiw wardrobe doesn't help. He must have a never-ending supply of bootcut jeans and black t-shirts, most of which have a Kiss or other heavy metal band name on 'em.
Add the enginneer boots with the 3 inch heels, the long hair... Well...
They just look at him and marvel.

Locals taking snaps of the Travelin' Redneck
in front of his native environment...

Even though we were 24 hours late into Shanghai, we were able to get alot of our installations done on Tuesday. Both video walls went up without problelms and by late Tuesday PM we were up and on-line...

Chairside wall- the old Lighthouse 6mm product

Cameraside wall- the Chinese wall.

This is the signal cable for the cameraside wall...Commonly referred to as a "widowmaker".

Touch the wrong pair of these bare wires and you will remember it for a long time.

It took several more days to finish the details of building the walls, but in the end it was all good.
A lot of care went into the design of the buffer walls-the walls built to keep the crowd from knocking over the video cubes\\\ when they rush the court for autographs.
More on that later I'm sure...

We were able to get out and about a bit...

During our travels to PuDong we saw the big TV tower...

Over in PuDong there is a new Hooters Restaurant.
(Two of them here in Shanghai now... I'm liking this place more and more!)

Mmmmm... Chinese wings.

We did a little drinking at a joint down on the HuangPu River across from the Bund. The had decent beer, if you're into that kind of thing, and a live band...
The disturbing part was when they played the Macarena and all the *guys* got up to dance... Only the guys. Appalling. Simply appalling. And frightening.

Ewwww!, Macarena!

And the 'Neck made the sojourn to the JinMao tower...88 scary stories high.

I don't like being this high off the ground without an airplane around me...

More fun stuff to report as the Tournament gets underway...

TBG out...