Saturday, January 28, 2012

Purchased For Shock Value

I was checking out at WalMart the other day and made a last second change-up to my purchases because I was over-analyzing my items and worried that the cashier would be judging me...
Because I care what a 19-year-old thinks about me buying dish soap, drill bits and aspirin.

On the ride home I was noodling more horrific purchase combinations...
You know, stuff that would have the cashier calling the cops once the shock wore off.

There is always popular urban legend:

Condoms, KY jelly, and 1 whole pineapple.

But how about...
100 rounds of .223, 20 cans of cat food, and trash bags?

Bleach/floor cleaner, kitchen knife, cardboard boxes?

Hand lotion, tissues, Hannah Montana DVD?

Ex-lax, disposable camera, 4-pack of D-Cell batteries...


Friday, January 27, 2012

Major Disappointment

So... I got the keys to my new Porsche... (see previous post).
Such a disappointment.
Mine was red as the nail polish on a $5 hooker.
Red just isn't my color.
I was hoping for the 2012 model in Dead Black...



Rumor Control

Got an email the other day from The Big Bossman...

To paraphrase:
Just getting back to town after some long travels and I've got a big announcement.
Friday at 12:30 we're throwing a shindig and I'll make the announcement.

So there is a BBQ at the office today...
And 'something big' I guess.
And for some reason quite a few people (based on the emails and text messages I've received) think I have some inside track.

Sorry, y'all.
Just because I have pictures of Jingles in some "compromising situations" and there are rumors that I have installed surveillance devices in strategic locations...this hardly means that I am privy to The Big Announcement.
What I find interesting, however, is some of the ideas people have shared with me regarding The Announcement.

Some of the interesting ideas:
1. The company is being sold/taken over/bought out by a competitor.
(Most popular rumor)

2. The Company has been chosen as a campaign stop on the President's re-election effort- due to the overwhelming Left-leaning of upper management.

3. Things are going so well, the marketing department is going to forgo commissions for Q4 of 2011 to provide a 1-year leases on new Porsche's for all employees.

4. The Company has been awarded a new contract to provide scoring for the Western Australia Cockroach Racing League. The WACRL will be expanding to 5 events this year, with a potential TV contract with Cable Channel 2378.6 in Perth, Australia.

5. The lawsuit against a certain 2nd Floor Senior Manager by a drag queen in Georgia has finally been settled.

6. The Company is moving out of our luxurious building and location to a barn/warehouse facility in an abandon sugarcane field in Hendry County, to economize on overhead costs and provide better hog hunting opportunities for the propellerheads and hunting segment of our staff.

8. Hooters of America is opening a micro-cafe in our warehouse. Hopefully this will cut down on post-lunchtime absenteeism in the HelpDesk, E-Media, and everyone who reports to Jingles.

9. New travel guidelines are being finalized... everyone will be traveling to all events (including international locations) via high-speed rail, in order to support President Obama's HSR Initiatives. If HSR is not available between Jax and the event location, employees will travel via Greyhound bus. (Director level and above will travel via Amtrak for all trips)

10. The Company is discontinuing all use of Microsoft and PC based hardware. We're all Apple - all the time baby. Viva the 99%!

So... there ya are. Rumor Control at its finest.

One suggestion though for all the folks that will be attending-
I wouldn't drink or eat of the chow until AFTER the announcement...
Just saying.

TBG, still on the road.

Tuesday, January 24, 2012

Wonderful Words

As a amateur etymologist, I enjoy a good word...
(Even if I mispronounce or misspell them occasionally)

For Constant Readers who also see beauty in the form of a written word, please consider this list from Deshoda...

Ailurophile A cat-lover.
Assemblage A gathering.
Becoming Attractive.
Beleaguer To exhaust with attacks.
Brood To think alone.
Bucolic In a lovely rural setting.
Bungalow A small, cozy cottage.
Chatoyant Like a cat’s eye.
Comely Attractive.
Conflate To blend together.
Cynosure A focal point of admiration.
Dalliance A brief love affair.
Demesne Dominion, territory.
Demure Shy and reserved.
Denouement The resolution of a mystery.
Desuetude Disuse.
Desultory Slow, sluggish.
Diaphanous Filmy.
Dissemble Deceive.
Dulcet Sweet, sugary.
Ebullience Bubbling enthusiasm.
Effervescent Bubbly.
Efflorescence Flowering, blooming.
Elision Dropping a sound or syllable in a word.
Elixir A good potion.
Eloquence Beauty and persuasion in speech.
Embrocation Rubbing on a lotion.
Emollient A softener.
Ephemeral Short-lived.
Epiphany A sudden revelation.
Erstwhile At one time, for a time.
Ethereal Gaseous, invisible but detectable.
Evanescent Vanishing quickly, lasting a very short time.
Evocative Suggestive.
Fetching Pretty.
Felicity Pleasantness.
Forbearance Withholding response to provocation.
Fugacious Fleeting.
Furtive Shifty, sneaky.
Gambol To skip or leap about joyfully.
Glamour Beauty.
Gossamer The finest piece of thread, a spider’s silk.
Halcyon Happy, sunny, care-free.
Harbinger Messenger with news of the future.
Imbrication Overlapping and forming a regular pattern.
Imbroglio An altercation or complicated situation.
Imbue To infuse, instill.
Incipient Beginning, in an early stage.
Ineffable Unutterable, inexpressible.
Ingénue A naïve young woman.
Inglenook A cozy nook by the hearth.
Insouciance Blithe nonchalance.
Inure To become jaded.
Labyrinthine Twisting and turning.
Lagniappe A special kind of gift.
Lagoon A small gulf or inlet.
Languor Listlessness, inactivity.
Lassitude Weariness, listlessness.
Leisure Free time.
Lilt To move musically or lively.
Lissome Slender and graceful.
Lithe Slender and flexible.
Love Deep affection.
Mellifluous Sweet sounding.
Moiety One of two equal parts.
Mondegreen A slip of the ear.
Murmurous Murmuring.
Nemesis An unconquerable archenemy.
Offing The sea between the horizon and the offshore.
Onomatopoeia A word that sounds like its meaning.
Opulent Lush, luxuriant.
Palimpsest A manuscript written over earlier ones.
Panacea A solution for all problems
Panoply A complete set.
Pastiche An art work combining materials from various sources.
Penumbra A half-shadow.
Petrichor The smell of earth after rain.
Plethora A large quantity.
Propinquity Proximity; Nearness
Pyrrhic Successful with heavy losses.
Quintessential Most essential.
Ratatouille A spicy French stew.
Ravel To knit or unknit.
Redolent Fragrant.
Riparian By the bank of a stream.
Ripple A very small wave.
Scintilla A spark or very small thing.
Sempiternal Eternal.
Seraglio Rich, luxurious oriental palace or harem.
Serendipity Finding something nice while looking for something else.
Summery Light, delicate or warm and sunny.
Sumptuous Lush, luxurious.
Surreptitious Secretive, sneaky.
Susquehanna A river in Pennsylvania.
Susurrous Whispering, hissing.
Talisman A good luck charm.
Tintinnabulation Tinkling.
Umbrella Protection from sun or rain.
Untoward Unseemly, inappropriate.
Vestigial In trace amounts.
Wafture Waving.
Wherewithal The means.
Woebegone Sorrowful, downcast.


Monday, January 23, 2012

The Good and The Bad

The bad?

Jousting with the nut-gropers at the TSA, again, at JIA.

I emptied all my pockets and compartments in my Blackhawk! Tac Operators pants prior to going through the Nude-o-Scope, and got pulled aside yet again.

Testicle Fondler: "Sir, you have something in your right pocket."
Yours Truly: "Nope. I don't."
TF: "Machine says so. I need to pat you down."
YT: "Go for it. Get your jollies."
TF: "What?"
YT: "I said 'Go ahead.'"
He felt around the outside of the right side cargo pocket...
TF: "There is something inside there."
YT: "Nope- what you feel is magazine retention loops. These pants are designed to securely carry 2 AR magazines in each storage pocket."
TF: (seriously) "Are you carrying magazines now?"
I gave him a moment to think about it.
YT: "Do you know what an AR15 Magazine looks like?"
TF: "Well... to tell you the truth... No."

To continue the conversation would only make things more difficult.

YT: "Nope. No magazines."
TF: "Then what is in that pocket?"
YT (getting exasperated): "Nothing. There are cloth loops sewn into the pocket..."
TF: "If you don't have the magazines, then why..."
YT: "You'll have to feel inside the pocket to understand..."
TF: (starts to stick his blue-gloved hand in my pocket...)
YT: "But you WILL change your gloves first..."

The Testicle Fondler decided that that was too much...
TF: "You're good to go."
 Jeebus H. Turdhumping Creeest, I hate Tired, Slow and Anal agents...

The good?

Going to the Jax Beach Public Library with the Perfect Child...
That is one of the Early Voting locations for our area...
She took her brand-spanking-new Voter's Registration card and cast her ballot in the Florida primary election.

On the way there we discussed candidates, values, and political realities-
What issues to consider when choosing who to vote for, and the old saw about similarity between sausage-making and legislation...

She enjoyed casting her vote... She'll learn later about the other aspects of voting-
a favored candidate losing the election, favored legislation getting voted down and the spectrum of emotions that one experiences over the course of a contentious election cycle.

Welcome to the the real world, Sugar.


Sunday, January 22, 2012

Hello, Pot? This is Kettle...

Just caught Mittens on Faux Snooze as I was packing my bag...

He was commenting on the fact Noot won the South Carolina primary and how it really didn't mean anything because SC is right next to his home state of Georgia...

I was just checking on Google Maps...
Isn't New Hampshire, the only state Mittens has won, right next to Mittsachusetts?


Self Perception Delusion

When I'm on my bike, this is how I see myself...

What others see:



Signs Aren't Working?

The Czar of Muscovy (Dread, awful, etc) over at The Gormogons highlighted an incident over in Spartanburg SC.
A pair of choirboys attempted to turn a Waffle House into an ATM, an occurence that a little Google Fu will tell you is a quite common pastime for said chiorboys nationwide. Mr.Concealed Carry was on hand, got the drop on them and tried to hold them at gunpoint, whereupon one of yon choirboys decided to test Mr. CC's resolve and got hisself ventilated.

Story here.
If you read the originating article, don't let the "waffle shop" identifier fool ya... It was a Waffle House.
I believe they are trying to introduce an element of plausible deniability since Waffle House has quite the reputation as a "gun free" zone, sorry, "criminally enabled" zone.

I've noticed it across the country... More often than not, WH has the famous No Gun/Weapons on premises signs prominently displayed...
There was one on the door of the Ohio WH where I ate last week...
Had I been carrying I'd have had to go elsewhere... I would be committing felony trespass by ignoring the sign, and I definitely wouldn't leave a firearm in a rental car outside a fast food joint at 1:00 am.

The Czar hits the nail on the head:
See how firearms create more violence? Now there’s one more fatality. If there was effective gun control, that customer wouldn’t have been armed, and instead there would be only...wait. No, that can’t be right.

Okay, if there was more effective gun control, instead of the customer killing one evildoer, there would have been only a mere...wait, no; that still results in more innocent people killed.

How about this: thanks to ineffective gun control laws, a perfectly innocent person elected to kill a person who was about to...heck, that’s an even worse way to put it.

Hmm. Seems no matter how you phrase the typical pro-gun control argument, this problem about no dead innocent people and only one dead bad guy keeps ruining it. (emphasis mine -TBG)

(Hmmm... Interesting- They gave me a knife so I could eat my country ham...
Seems like they are actually HELPING me violate their policy.)

More often than not Waffle House has a no guns policy. It is probably left to a franchisee's discretion whether to post a "Armed Robbers Welcome" sign on the door, and the law-abiding concealed-carry community has noticed... See here, here and here. Practice your Google Fu for many many many more examples....

I'll be very curious to see how this plays out...
There is a good possibility that Mr.Concealed Carry could very well wind up on felony charges if the sheriff in Spartanburg is an "Only Ones" aficionado, of if the local state attorney wants to make a big splash...
I like me some Waffle House, but they are really testing me...


Friday, January 20, 2012

Truth in Marketing


I Hate Short Hops

Atlanta to Jax -
The flight is less than an hour... And out of Atlanta there is a Delta flight every 90 minutes to 2 hours...
On this particular flight there are 156 passengers in coach and 24 in Biz Class...
It takes longer to load all the passengers up than it does for the actual flight time.
(Seriously- 55 mins from start of boarding to cabin door closing. 42 minutes wheels up to wheels down.)

Why am I pissed off?
We encountered the dreaded Equipment Change...
New plane=seating change...
I'm in a middle seat now, and madder than a wet hen.

Delta CEO Richard Anderson is getting an ugly letter...


A Little is Better Than None...

Mmmm. Bulkhead aisle happiness.

Guilty Guilty Guilty

(Sitting in Port Columbus Airport, crossing my fingers that there are no delays due to the weather, surfing the web on the free WiFi...)

For anyone who appreciates education & humor in the form of intentional irony:

William Safire’s Rules for Writers

  • Remember to never split an infinitive.
  • The passive voice should never be used.
  • Do not put statements in the negative form.
  • Verbs have to agree with their subjects.
  • Proofread carefully to see if you words out.
  • If you reread your work, you can find on rereading a great deal of repetition can be by rereading and editing.
  • A writer must not shift your point of view.
  • And don’t start a sentence with a conjunction. (Remember, too, a preposition is a terrible word to end a sentence with.)
  • Don’t overuse exclamation marks!!
  • Place pronouns as close as possible, especially in long sentences, as of 10 or more words, to their antecedents.
  • Writing carefully, dangling participles must be avoided.
  • If any word is improper at the end of a sentence, a linking verb is.
  • Take the bull by the hand and avoid mixing metaphors.
  • Avoid trendy locutions that sound flaky.
  • Everyone should be careful to use a singular pronoun with singular nouns in their writing.
  • Always pick on the correct idiom.
  • The adverb always follows the verb.
  • Last but not least, avoid cliches like the plague; seek viable alternatives.


The Worst Part... chipping my car out of the block of ice they refer to as a "parking lot" using only my hotel keycard, to get to the airport in time for my flight.

(Yeah, Luc, 7 degrees. That's like -35 Canadian degrees.)

TBG - a/k/a Captain Frostbite

Thursday, January 19, 2012

Waffle House Waitress Flirtations

Breakfast at the Waffle House near Port Columbus Airport this morning...
I was almost finished with my morning repast but needed a little more coffee to round out the meal.
Another customer entered and sat down at the counter near me.
Our waitress, Miss Dee,  took his beverage order.
Miss Dee: "Wat choo drinkin' this mornin', baby?"
Customer: "Orange juice and coffee, thanks."
Yours Truly (holding up my nearly-empty cup): "Could you warm me up too?"
Miss Dee: "Oh baby, you know ah cain't do that. That's illegal in this part of town..."
(+5% on her tip for making my day.)


Wednesday, January 18, 2012


So, clearing TSA microwaving & ball-juggling this AM, seems that I missed the mini-to-micro USB adapter in one of my cargo pockets.
(This of course triggered a Major Security Alert - hence the unwarranted but oddly pleasurable nut-fondling.)
The oddity was the TSA Supervisor who took the adapter, put it in a full-sized bin and ran it through the X-Ray machine.
Really, dude?
What did you think would be concealed inside an adapter the size of a quarter?
Well, at least it wasn't confiscated.

Jeebus. The dumbassery, it hurtz.


Friday, January 13, 2012

Better Late Than Never

New Year's Resolutions

1. Stop making lists
B. Be more consistent.
7. Learn to count.

That's quite enough, I think.
Don't want to set the bar too high.


Thursday, January 12, 2012

Dinner, Such As It Is...

...Chopped chicken liver from Ben's Deli in Long Island...


TBG- noshing.

Hypocritical Dumbassery Abounds

There is a piece in the Daytona Beach news about an 82 year old man who shot and killed a burglar.

This post is not about that...

It's about the dumbassery that is masquerading as "Reasonable and Proper".
One of the folks who commented trotted out the old "the crime doesn't fit the punishment" and "shoot to wound/scare away/slow down".

The idjits just don't get it.

Go read the comments. They are very enlightening...
Especially the hypocrisy in the follow-up commnets...
"My stand is just that life is valuable and sacred; some people have made some bad decisions, but there life is still worth something and it's a shame to see it lost. Serial killers are a different story, as are other groups of criminals."
Seems like our bleeding heart has a double standard...
Sorry, Dumbass... it's all or nothing. If one life is valuable and sacred, all of them are, including the serial killers.
My view, of course, is solipsistic... Only MY life, and those I choose extend the privilege of existence to are sacred.
Everyone else is on probation.

"Have a plan to kill everyone you meet." Forsooth!


Coincidence? I Think Not...

Wow. That's all I can say.

The year is 1947
Some of you will recall that on July 8, 1947, 65 years ago, witnesses claim that an unidentified flying object (UFO) with five aliens aboard crashed onto a sheep and mule ranch just outside Roswell , New Mexico . This is a well known incident that many say has long been covered up by the U.S. Air Force and other federal agencies and organizations.
However, what you may NOT know is that in the month of April 1948, nine months after that historic day, the following people were born:
Albert A. Gore, Jr.
Hillary Rodham
John F. Kerry
William J. Clinton
Howard Dean
Nancy Pelosi
Dianne Feinstein
Charles E. Schumer
Barbara Boxer
See what happens when aliens breed with sheep and jackasses? I certainly hope this bit of information clears up a lot of things for you. It did for me.
No wonder they support the bill to help illegal aliens!

Via Mike @ Sipsey Street


I Guess When I Die I'll Become a Democrat...

...which will be even more unpalatable.

SC DMV: 900 Dead People May Have Voted.

"...more than 900 people who were recorded as having voted were actually dead."

I'm sure zombies making their way to a voting machine would have made the news...
I think we should be clear here...
At least 900 instances of election fraud were committed in SC...Dead people don't vote; Live people commit voter fraud using dead people's ID.

AG Holder: "Nothing to see here- move along."


Wednesday, January 11, 2012

Hey, Mainstream Media...

Quit portraying Mittens Romney as the Official GOP Nominee for the 2012 Presidential election...

Fer cryin' out loud, he's won 2 primaries, and one was in a neighboring state to his beloved Taxachusetts, so he was a home-town favorite, as it were.

There's quite a bit of votin' to be done... Let's wait until we see more results, and preferably some from a state NOT filled with dipstick yankee mouthbreathers and hayseeds that overanalyze issues like how a candidate parts his hair or underwear choice. (no offense Iowa and New Hamster)


Tuesday, January 10, 2012

Creative Advertising

The Gap, eh...
I wonder which network is airing that program?


Monday, January 09, 2012

Bulkhead Aisle


Another Monday, another outbound flight.
Yay me.

TBG - Seat 5B

Sunday, January 08, 2012

Hey CBS & Lara Logan: - Shut The Fuck Up

Watching 60 minutes tonight... 60 Minutes was on while I was packing tonight...
I had watched Denver pull out a win in overtime and didn't change the channel after it was over.
(Normally I would not be watching any maninstream news program, and especially not 60 Minutes, but I was busy.)

I caught a quote from an interview and couldn't believe what I heard- I had to go to their website to verify it... (you can do the same. I won't link to it here.)

The story was about the Beans family who have 5 sets of brothers serving in the "Lone Star Battalion" in Afghanistan...
Here was the quote that made me stop to write this:

Logan: That's a lotta trouble to go to, to go and fight in a war that not many Americans believe is worth fighting these days?
Daniel Beans: That's the great thing about America. Everybody's entitled to their opinion. 
(Emphasis mine-TBG)
 What. The. Fuck.

Hey, Lara- I don't know where you got your info, but the characterizations you just made about average Americans offends the living shit out of me. When you tell a man serving his country that the majority of Americans don't believe the cause they are fighting for is worthwhile, well, I have to tell ya, you have no clue what you're talking about and you have no credibility.
I don't understand the liberal media- where they can offer a minority opinion and color it as a majority opinion.
(They also blew the story of The Fighting Sullivan's and how they died. The really need better fact checkers at CBS...)
And yeah, I know she got groped over in Egypt during the Arab Spring protests.
I could give a shit. Go back to South Africa. See You Next Tuesday, bitch.

And way to go Daniel Beans. You handled this biatch MUCH better than I would have. Thanks to you and your family for your service to our country.


Guana River TWSS

Jingles: "It's a lot easier getting out than getting in..."
TBG: "Do I actually have to say it, or can you infer my comment?"


Liberal College Girl

A/K/A - Stereotypes can be soooo true.

Saturday, January 07, 2012

First Person Shooter

Might have to switch to the Squad Auto or maybe even the chainsaw...

TBG - In the weeds

Friday, January 06, 2012


Sunrise at Guana Dam, heading home after scouting Guana WMA.
With a little planning, skill and a smidgen of luck, there will be a post about hunting, killing and wild pork sausage tomorrow morning.

TBG - "I didn't know 4:00 came twice a day."

Scouting Trip

Foggy morning in Guana River Wildlife Management Area
Looking for hog tracks in Guana, hunting wild pigs tomorrow AM with Jingles and Chief Propeller Head...

Tuesday, January 03, 2012

Life as a Take Out Menu

(Found slipped under my door at the Marriott early this AM. Where the hell was I drinking last night?)




Weird Dream (4).....................................$4.00
Loud Barking Downstairs...........................$1.20
Cold Bathroom........................................$1.20
Pain in Neck...........................................$4.00
Angry Wife.............................................$3.25
Dirty Diaper...........................................$1.10

Side Orders (Sm.) (Lg.)

Plain Financial Anxiety..............................$1.00 $2.00
Crispy Fear of Death.................................$1.00 $2.00
Black Mold.....................................................$2.00
Sweet and Sour (Served with Plain Financial Anxiety.)
Girl at pastry shop stops flirting with you
when she sees ring...........................................$9.75

Baby daughter paints funny picture of you on
brand-new 46-inch 1080p HDTV...........................$9.75

Combo Platter
(Served with Plain Financial Anxiety, or Crispy Fear of Death.)

Take Out the Trash and Give Finger
to Speeding Driver................................................$6.75

Give Finger to Speeding Driver and Run in Park...........$6.75

Run in Park and Loud Barking Downstairs....................$6.75

Loud Barking Downstairs and Take Out
the Trash............................................................$6.75

Give Finger to Barking Downstairs and Throw
Trash at Speeding Driver.........................................$6.75
Chef's Specials
Dragon and Phoenix..............................................$9.25
Argument with wife cannot be won; stop fantasizing about her seeking forgiveness.

Seven Stars Around the Moon.................................$9.25
Long e-mail to well-connected friend requesting work has bounced yet again.

Four Seasons......................................................$9.25
A strange sense that time is moving faster and faster and you are accomplishing less and less.

Triple Delight.....................................................$9.25
Postman hands you shrink-wrapped parcel, has no idea it contains pornographic DVD, no one home.

Happy Family.....................................................$9.25
Wife elated after you agree to go on medication permanently, despite sexual side effects.

Please: No substitutions.

Monday, January 02, 2012


Dean: "I just want everyone to know I just delivered a double muff in the shower."

You probably don't want to know...

Sunday, January 01, 2012

Happy New Year, Y'all

Greetings all...

A subdued and enjoyable New Year's Day to everyone...

Hopefully everyone was able to avoid infestations of bulletproof Canadian spider-goats*... I had assistance from The Captain last night in that effort, and once again made the mistake of dining with JR...
Nothing that a stomach pump and a Grade 3 exorcism won't cure.

I'm on the job today so no omphaloskepsis concerning 2011, no rants on the President and his efforts; No diatribes on gun control, no commentary on global climate change bufferoonery, no stifled laughter and finger pointing at politicians, or
making fun of The Liberal Media.
At least, not today.


Really, Canadian Spider Goats. Not bulletproof, but disturbing none the less.