Tuesday, September 29, 2009

Words of Wisdom

Randy: A quick no is better than a long maybe.

Worst Ass Man?

Oh these clever Finns...


Monday, September 28, 2009

NCAA Football Banter

Via SMS from a Crimson Tide fan:
"Yo. I heard Baby Jesus might be out for the LSU game. Lucky they have the bye this week."



To Hear Is To Obey


Well...Don't mind if I do!
(Never let it be said that I can't read directions.)


JFK Baggage Claim Tease

Waiting at Carousel 2 to get my bag.
16 minutes, no activity.
@ 17 minutes the carousel starts up.
@ 26 minutes the first bag appears.
@ 29 minutes the next bag shows up, followed at one bag per minute...
Overheard next to me:
"I guess its taking them awhile to rifle through all our bags and steal all our stuff."

My stuff- 39 Minutes.
I feel like I'm back in Jax!



New Experience: Jet Blue

Its not as bad as Southwest (a/k/a Fistfight Airlines) but having to claim my bags and rechecking 'em when I get to JFK is going to suck.
Film at 11


Weekend Fun

It was a lovely weekend... Now I'm off to pay the piper.

Saturday there was a soccer game...

The PC did admirably, scored both of the Island Futbol goals

(click for bigness)

On Sunday we made it out to the trap range

And there was a monumental first this weekend-
She BEAT me head to head- 18 to 16- on our last round of trap.
How sharper than a serpent's tooth!
To beat down her poor old broken down father.

And the dog just laughs...

Off to the Frozen North...


Wednesday, September 23, 2009

Message From One Year Ago.

I was looking for some old info from my trip to the NHL Premiere Games in Sweden last year and stumbled on the following message in my Outlook archive.

If you were ever worried about my sanity or my mental stability, this little missive ought to drive the last nail into the coffin.

The Code Monkey asked me to do a recap of the Beijing Olympics for the IDS Fall All-Employee meeting.
When I got the request I was in Stockholm, under the influence of blonde girls, sleep deprivation, herring and aquavit...
Here's my reply:
"No one told me anything about the All-Employee meeting-
What is the plan, who should I talk to?
Hell, I've written stories, poetry and blogs on that nightmare...
What else do you want from me, maybe a Broadway musical production?
Something like "16 days in Beijing: Medals in Memory of Mao"?
A big song and dance number with Steven Sondheim-style kick line?
Numbers to include "Steroid Blues", "Can't Pass the Baton or the Drug Test", "Where is My IP?", and the ever-popular "Poisoning Pigeons in the Park".

Or maybe a Greek chorus - kind of a dramatic reading...
Mickey Spillane meets Edna St. Vincent Millay -

"Dick Ebersol's Communist Plot"
Hero: "The BOCOG guys are driving me past my limits..."
Chorus "No Access! We cannot help you!"
Hero: "Virus protection, build dates out of spec. Where is the Image?!"
Chorus: "No stats, no connection! You shall not pass!"
Villain: "Bwhaha! All changes, no notice! Kill the feeds and the encoders!"
Chorus: "Anarchy! Anarchy! NBC - Nothing But Communism! Where is the broccoli?"
All: "Mai Wen Ti! Mai Wen Ti! There is no shuttle bus! March to the Media Village!"
Chorus: "Tramp...tramp...tramp"

Hero and Villain fight scene: Hero armed with Cat5 crimper, Villain drives a tank covered in lo mein noodles and brown sauce.

Hero prevails, Heroine appears.
Heroine: "Cowgirl cowgirl! You want massage?"
Chorus: "Tramp...tramp...tramp"
Hero: "Where is the broccoli?"
Curtain - End of act 3

Boy, I have no recollection of writing or sending that...


Cuteness. I haz it.


Monday, September 21, 2009

Tramp Stamp

It's a nice idea, but I think an expiration date might be a better feature on some people...


Sunday, September 20, 2009

Chin Up!

(Wow. That title works on a couple non-PC levels.)

Soldiers pinned into correct posture...

Story here

They are getting ready for the big October 1 National Day celebrations in Beijing.
The preparations are getting crazy.

Lights at Tian'anmen Square

And no National Day Celebration would be complete without...

Babes On Parade!

If you can tear your eyes away from the tight sailor suits, check out the smog in the background. It's obviously not an Olympic year.

Lots of interesting content at China.org.cn

Should you get tired of all the fun and festivities in and around Beijing,
you can take a break and enjoy the local cuisine...

Image Flickr creative commons, Dutchlad

Where will Uncle Jay be for the all the fun?

I'll give you a hint...


Nice Gimmick

I'd love to do this to the .40, but I have a feeling somehow it would come back to bite me in the ass...


Saturday, September 19, 2009

Armed Forces - Great White North Style



Aye Mateys! It be September 19 ag'in!

Time to do yer parrrrrt!

You be talking like a pirate today or ye be walkin' th' plank.


1. Rape
2. Pillage
3. Plunder

Repeat as necessary.


Friday, September 18, 2009

Random Thoughts

Random Thoughts

Got this email a couple days ago. Thought it was funny so I decided to share:
(My comments in perens)

1. More often than not, when someone is telling me a story all I can think about is that I can’t wait for them to finish so that I can tell my own story that’s not only better, but also more directly involves me.
(Guilty as charged- TBG)

2. Nothing sucks more than that moment during an argument when you realize you’re wrong.

3. I don’t understand the purpose of the line, “I don’t need to drink to have fun.” Great, no one does. But why start a fire with flint and sticks when they’ve invented the lighter?

4. Have you ever been walking down the street and realized that you’re going in the complete opposite direction of where you are supposed to be going? But instead of just turning a 180 and walking back in the direction from which you came, you have to first do something like check your watch or phone or make a grand arm gesture and mutter to yourself to ensure that no one in the surrounding area thinks you’re crazy by randomly switching directions on the sidewalk.

5. That’s enough, Nickelback. You too, Coldplay.

6. I totally take back all those times I didn’t want to nap when I was younger.

7. The letters T and G are very close to each other on a keyboard. This recently became all too apparent to me and consequently I will never be ending a work email with the phrase “Regards” again.
(Again, Guilty as charged- TBG)

8. Do you remember when you were a kid, playing Nintendo and it wouldn’t work? You take the cartridge out, blow in it and that would magically fix the problem. Every kid in America did that, but how did we all know how to fix the problem? There was no internet or message boards or FAQ’s. We just figured it out. Today’s kids are soft.

9. There is a great need for sarcasm font.

10. Sometimes, I’ll watch a movie that I watched when I was younger and suddenly realize I had no idea what was going on when I first saw it.

11. I think everyone has a movie that they love so much, it actually becomes stressful to watch it with other people. I’ll end up wasting 90 minutes shiftily glancing around to confirm that everyone’s laughing at the right parts, then making sure I laugh just a little bit harder (and a millisecond earlier) to prove that I’m still the only one who really, really gets it.

12. The other night I hit a new low at an open bar. I had already hopped on highway blackout when, inevitably I had to find a bathroom. Eventually I decided it was probably on the other side of the bar so I
tried to walk over there, but ran into a guy coming the other way. We played that, Both go left, Both go right game to no avail, so I finally put out my hand to guide myself past and that’s is when I realized, yup, that’s a mirror I just tried to walk through. And the guy on the other side is me. Even cats can recognize their own image.
(Once again, guilty as hell. As a matter of fact, I walked slap into a mirror in a bar in Taiwan.)

13. How the hell are you supposed to fold a fitted sheet?

14. I would rather try to carry 10 plastic grocery bags in each hand than take 2 trips to bring my groceries in.

15. I think part of a best friend’s job should be to immediately clear your computer history if you die.

16. The only time I look forward to a red light is when I’m trying to finish a text.
(Ooh. Really guilty of this one.)

17. A recent study has shown that playing beer pong contributes to the spread of mono and the flu. Yeah, if you suck at it.

18. Was learning cursive really necessary?

19. LOL has gone from meaning, “laugh out loud” to “I have nothing else to say”.

20. I have a hard time deciphering the fine line between boredom and hunger.
(Do I have to say it?)

21. Answering the same letter three times or more in a row on a Scantron test is absolutely petrifying.

22. My brother’s Municipal League baseball team is named the Stepdads. Seeing as none of the guys on the team are actual stepdads, I inquired about the name. He explained, “Cuz we beat you, and you hate us.” Classy, bro.

23. Whenever someone says “I’m not book smart, but I’m street smart”, all I hear is “I’m not real smart, but I’m imaginary smart”.

24. How many times is it appropriate to say “What?” before you just nod and smile because you still didn’t hear what they said?
(Welcome to middle age, too many rock concerts, and many rounds of skeet and trap with inadequate ear protection.)

25. I love the sense of camaraderie when an entire line of cars teams up to prevent a dick from cutting in at the front. Stay strong, brothers!

26. Every time I have to spell a word over the phone using ‘as in’ examples, I will undoubtedly draw a blank and sound like a complete idiot. Today I had to spell my boss’s last name to an attorney and said “Yes that’s G as in…(10 second lapse)..ummm…Goonies”

27. What would happen if I hired two private investigators to follow each other?

28. While driving yesterday I saw a banana peel in the road and instinctively swerved to avoid it…thanks Mario Kart.

29. MapQuest really needs to start their directions on #5. I’m pretty sure I know how to get out of my neighborhood.

30. Obituaries would be a lot more interesting if they told you how the person died.

31. I find it hard to believe there are actually people who get in the shower first and THEN turn on the water.

32. Shirts get dirty. Underwear gets dirty. Pants? Pants never get dirty, and you can wear them forever.
(Not true. Work an IDS LPGA golf event sometime.)

33. I can’t remember the last time I wasn’t at least kind of tired.

34. Bad decisions make good stories.

35. Whenever I’m Facebook stalking someone and I find out that their profile is public I feel like a kid on Christmas morning who just got the Red Ryder BB gun that I always wanted. 546 pictures? Don’t mind if I do!

36. Is it just me or do high school girls get sluttier & sluttier every year?

37. If Carmen San Diego and Waldo ever got together, their offspring would probably just be completely invisible.

38. Why is it that during an ice-breaker, when the whole room has to go around and say their name and where they are from, I get so incredibly nervous? Like I know my name, I know where I’m from, this shouldn’t be a problem….

39. You never know when it will strike, but there comes a moment at work when you’ve made up your mind that you just aren’t doing anything productive for the rest of the day.

40. Can we all just agree to ignore whatever comes after DVDs? I don’t want to have to restart my collection. Again.

41. There’s no worse feeling than that millisecond you’re sure you are going to die after leaning your chair back a little too far.

42. I’m always slightly terrified when I exit out of Word and it asks me if I want to save any changes to my ten page research paper that I swear I did not make any changes to.

43. “Do not machine wash or tumble dry” means I will never wash this ever.

44. I hate being the one with the remote in a room full of people watching TV. There’s so much pressure. ‘I love this show, but will they judge me if I keep it on? I bet everyone is wishing we weren’t watching this. It’s only a matter of time before they all get up and leave the room. Will we still be friends after this?’

45. While watching the Olympics, I find myself cheering equally for China and USA . No, I am not of Chinese descent, but I am fairly certain that when Chinese athletes don’t win, they are executed.

46. I hate when I just miss a call by the last ring (Hello? Hello? Dang!), but when I immediately call back, it rings nine times and goes to voicemail. What’d you do after I didn’t answer? Drop the phone and run away?

47. I hate leaving my house confident and looking good and then not seeing anyone of importance the entire day. What a waste.

48. When I meet a new girl, I’m terrified of mentioning something she hasn’t already told me but that I have learned from some light internet stalking.

49. I like all of the music in my iTunes, except when it’s on shuffle, then I like about one in every fifteen songs in my iTunes.

50. Why is a school zone 25 mph? That seems like the optimal cruising speed for pedophiles…

51. As a driver I hate pedestrians, and as a pedestrian I hate drivers, but no matter what the mode of transportation, I always hate cyclists.

52. Sometimes I’ll look down at my watch 3 consecutive times and still not know what time it is.

53. It should probably be called Unplanned Parenthood.

54. I keep some people’s phone numbers in my phone just so I know not to answer when they call.

55. I think that if, years down the road when I’m trying to have a kid, I find out that I’m sterile, most of my disappointment will stem from the fact that I was not aware of my condition in college.

56. Even if I knew your social security number, I wouldn’t know what do to with it.

57. Even under ideal conditions people have trouble locating their car keys in a pocket, hitting the G-spot, and Pinning the Tail on the Donkey – but I’d bet my ass everyone can find and push the Snooze button from 3 feet away, in about 1.7 seconds, eyes closed, first time every time…

58. My 4-year old son asked me in the car the other day “Dad what would happen if you ran over a ninja?” How the hell do I respond to that?

59. It really pisses me off when I want to read a story on CNN.com and the link takes me to a video instead of text.

60. I wonder if cops ever get pissed off at the fact that everyone they drive behind obeys the speed limit.

61. I think the freezer deserves a light as well.

62. I disagree with Kay Jewelers. I would bet on any given Friday or Saturday night more kisses begin with Miller Lites than Kay.

63. The other night I ordered takeout, and when I looked in the bag, saw they had included four sets of plastic silverware. In other words, someone at the restaurant packed my order, took a second to think about it, and then estimated that there must be at least four people eating to require such a large amount of food. Too bad I was eating by myself. There’s nothing like being made to feel like a fat bastard before dinner.


Thursday, September 17, 2009

Good Thing No One At Work Reads This Blog

Now this is an interesting SMS message to get this morning...

"XXXXXX: 07:45 AM
Hungover. Be in at noonish. Turn my monitor on and put a hot cup of coffee on my desk so the boss thinks I'm in"


10 Megapixels or .44 Magnum?


Wednesday, September 16, 2009

Attention to Detail

Let's just say that distractions while working on these goodies can result in missing body parts or worse.

Let's see...

Primed case weight - 113.4 grains
Speer 4461 GDSP - 270 grains
Alliant powder - 17 grains

So when they are all primed, charged with powder, and the bullet is seated and crimped, I go back and weigh them all.

Ah, yes... all 50 are 401 grains, +/- .02gr

Next on the list: dies for .40 and 9mm.


Mac vs. PC


Tuesday, September 15, 2009

Is anyone else tired of seeing this schmuck on TV?

Obama to appear on Letterman TV show Monday

(I'm getting pretty tired of Letterman too.)

Quit making speeches to schoolkids and labor unions, get off the podium and put the frigging teleprompter away AND GET TO WORK...

That's what your Sheeple elected you to do, so get on it.


Sunday, September 06, 2009

Unclear on the Concept.

Overheard at the Bayville Diner:
A woman holds up he coffee cup.
"Are you sure this is decaf? Because it looks the same as his..." Indicating her husband's hi-test cuppa.



Saturday, September 05, 2009

Traveling Music III

"The Way"

Traveling Music II

"Hotel California"
- Eagles

Traveling Music

"Some days are diamonds (Some days are stones)"
John "Where's the runway?" Denver

Friday, September 04, 2009

Deep Fat Fried...


Weeping Jeebus on an atomic pogo stick!
What the hell are these Texans trying to do?

Here I'm trying to ratchet my intake back and hit the gym on a regular basis, but every year I read about the goodies at the Texas State Fair... My taste buds scream "Roadtrip!" and my wardrobe yells "Get your ass back on the elliptical machine, Tiny."

Look at these concoctions-

2005 Most Creative- Viva Las Vegas Fried Ice Cream
2005 Best Taste - Fried PB, Jelly and Banana Sandwich
2006 Most Creative- Fried Coke
2006 Best Taste - Fried Praline Perfection
2007 Most Creative- Deep Fried Latte
2007 Best Taste - Texas Fried Cookie Dough

Last year's entries:

Fried Banana Split - Most Creative Award

Chicken Fried Bacon – Best Taste Award

Fernie’s All-American Fried Grilled Cheese Sandwich (Finalist)

Texas Fried Jelly Belly Beans – (Finalist)

Deep Fried S’mores – (Finalist)

Fire & Ice – A pineapple ring is battered and deep-fried, then topped with banana-flavored whipped cream that’s been frozen in liquid nitrogen. (Finalist)

Fried Chocolate Truffles – (Finalist)

Chocolate-Covered Strawberry Waffle Balls (Finalist)

Fried Pop Rocks Fundae Blast

Fried Dinner Roll

Fried Cake on a Stick

Green Bean Fries

Texas Bar-B-Que Eggrolls

“Jalapeno” Deep Fried Gorditas

Fried Apple iPie

Fried Snowballs (Hostess Snowballs)

Fried Honey Bun

Deep Fried Apple Bites

Bread Pudding with Rum Sauce

Mini Chopped BBQ Slider

Mini Chicken Fried Steak Slider

Dessert Shooters

Jalapeno Tamaritto

Ignited Moon Pie

Fruit Bag Drinks

Beefy Fried Queso Bites

But Seriously...
Deep Fried Butter?
In four flavors, no less.
(Original, garlic, cherry and grape.)

Now- correct me if I'm wrong, but isn't the Paula Deen the Queen of all butterfat, water, air and salt concoctions?
Wait, let me check...
Yep- Sorry Texas- Paula beat you to it...

After reading that I feel the need to go hit the gym for an hour or so... Either that or go to Hooters for a plate of 20 Cajun wings...


Tuesday, September 01, 2009

Fever? Chills? Bacon?...

Are you worried that you might have contracted H1N1?

Go HERE and find out.