Friday, August 30, 2013

Weekend Prankage

You assignment for the weekend:

1. Download and print (full color) several copies of the graphic below.

2. Post in various public bathrooms. WalMart, City Hall, Fast-Food restaurants.
3. Don't get caught.

Click for larger version


Carry Permit Denied!

(Or more like pwned!)

Office Claude Feltersnatch, indeed!

(yeah, I know... I'm spending too much time on Reddit)


Thursday, August 29, 2013

Current Events - Syria

When I hear President Obama say:
“We have been very clear to the Assad regime, but also to other players on the ground, that a red line for us is we start seeing a whole bunch of chemical weapons moving around or being utilized. That would change my calculus. That would change my equation.”

...all I can think of is this:


Let Me Draw Sing You A Map


Wednesday, August 28, 2013

Commute Narrative - Two Wheels Edition

Ah, you Constant 4-Wheelers might be curious to know what a motorcycle rider's thought process is during a typical daily ride...

So I made a few notes on my morning commute.
(There are all encounters from my Wed AM ride.)

1- Dodge the guy 'walking' his 2 labs on his bicycle in the neighborhood.
(No problem- you go ahead and take the entire right lane- I'll ride over here on the left and hope a) your dogs don't lunge at me, and 2) no one makes the curve heading this way while I'm still over here.)

2- (On Penman - doing 38 in a 35 Zone and the girl in the VW Passat is less than 10' off my rear wheel. 10 feet. No shit.) "Really? You're crawling up my ass? Is this really necessary?"
If you're late for work you should have left earlier.

3- (To the woman trying to turn onto Penman in her Gigantor SUV) "Don'tpullout!Don'tpullout!Don'tpullout!Don'tpullout! Ah..thankyou!"

4- The first texting encounter - red light on Beach near 20th.
I can see her with her head down in the car in front of me, intently texting or trying to dig belly-button lint out of her navel.
The car behind me honks, saving me from embarrassing myself with the pitifully nasal motorcycle horn. And we're off - with her 'Sorry, my bad!' hand wave.

5- As someone mentioned in the 'Blogosphere recently- you really don't need that Obama sticker on your Prius. Driving that thing is affirmation of your douchiness. Don't gild the lily.

6- Watch the traffic lights on Beach at San Pablo and Hodges- extrapolate the left turn timing... Is it worth fighting to get to the left turn lane to queue up for the light- hoping to make it in the current cycle. Is there a truck in the turn lane? A school bus? Is the lane overly full? If yes to either- screw it- on to the next light, and repeat process.

7- Make. Up. Your. F'ing. Mind. Asshole. (Mouthbreather in the beater 90's Ford 150.)
Choose a lane, stick with it. 3 lane changes in 1/4 mile is too much.

8- Texting encounter #2, Beach & Hodges red light.
I really don't know which is worse- the idjits that drive and text simultaneously, or the ones that text at red lights- I guess holding us all at ransom in the turn lane until she finishes her text and presses 'send' is much more righteous than doing it at 65 mph.

9- Keep calm Big Guy.
The asshole in the Tesla that cut you off will get his. You really don't need to do any acrobatics to catch up with him to prove you are faster and more maneuverable.
You know it; He knows it. He's just an ass. Just let it go.

10- On the SuperSlab (JTB Expressway - Speed limit 65)
Apparently doing 78 in the left lane is far too slow for the BMW and some low-profile Honda behind me.
I see you blinking your lights, Douchebag. Give me a second to get past the laggard middle-laners that are doing only 74 and I'll get out of your way.

11- Texting Encounter #3 - Passed doing 78 MPH by a schmuck in a Audi doing minimum of 85, and he went by I could see him timesharing his attention between the road and his iPhone in his lap. Look down - Look up - Look down - Look up - Look down - Look up - Classic.

12- Gate Parkway:
Hey, you making the left across my lane- look this way. Look here. Look over here! Stop inching into my lane! LOOK THIS WAY DAMMIT! Ah! He finally remembered to look over this way and SUPRISE! Motorcycle! After he's halfway across my lane... (This guy is a SMIDSY - "Sorry Man, I Didn't See You")

13- Hey JaxDOT, how's about filling in some of these potholes on Centurion Parkway and Gate Parkway?

14 - And would it hurt to run a street sweeper on some of these side streets occasionally?


Friday, August 23, 2013

Tasteless Humor - Oprah's Penis Dress

Tasteless humor alert-
Prudes and those easily offended: Please click here.

Now that the humorless assholes are gone, let us proceed...

Your Mind Is In The Gutter

Bed Load
Solid particles, like the pebbles in a stream, that are carried along by flowing water.

The British spelling for the word “tidbits.” Tit-Bits was the name of of a British weekly magazine published from 1881 to 1984.

Loose Smutt
A fungus that attacks wheat crops.

A small bird native to sub-Saharan Africa. Also known as tick birds, they eat parasites that infest the hides of livestock.

Dick Test

If your doctor suspects you have scarlet fever, you may be given this diagnostic test invented by Dr. George Dick and his wife Gladys in 1924.


 A singled-celled organism found in pond water.

Crack Spread
The difference in value between unrefined crude oil and the products that can be made by refining, or “cracking” the oil.

The f-shaped sound holes cut into the front of violins, cellos, and other stringed instruments.

Rump Party
In British politics, when one faction of a political party breaks away to merge with or form a new party, the faction left behind is known as the “rump party.”

A person who dives underwater in search of pearls, sunken treasure, or other riches.


A genus, or grouping of more than 20 species of ground squirrel.

Crap Mats
The name of a mountain in the Swiss Alps.

An adjective that means “having to do with seaweed.”

A type of sugar found in human breast milk and in seaweed.


To stumble, either in step or in speech.

A species of finch native to the U.S.


Thursday, August 22, 2013

AAR - Cayo Hueso

Things to do in Key West:
This is a pretty comprehensive list I use when someone asks me:
"Hey! I'm going to Key West- Is there anything to do down there?"
The links are mostly up to date.

Go para sailing
Rent a Jet Ski
Go SCUBA diving
Drink at Green Parrot
Rent a Kayak
Drink at Sloppy Joe's Bar
Go Skydiving
Drink at Captain Tony's Saloon
Ride the Conch Train Tour
Drink at Ricks
Take a Sunset Cruise
Drink at Turtle Kraals
Go lobster diving
Drink at Willy T's
Tour the Hemingway House
Drink at Irish Kevins
See Wyland Gallery
Drink at Lazy Gecko
Visit the Audubon House
Drink at The Bull
Go to Mallory Square for sunset
Drink at The Whistle
Swim at Smathers Beach
Drink at Hard Rock Cafe
Play with the stingrays at Key West Aquarium
Drink at Garden of Eden
Dry Tortugas trip
Drink at Sunset Tiki Bar
Go on an EcoTour
Drink at Rooftop Cafe on Front St.
Swim with Dolphins
Drink at Nick's Bar & Grill
Visit the Nature Conservatory
Drink at Santiago's Bodega
Go Backcountry Fishing for bonefish
Drink cafe con leche at M&M Laundry on White Street
Have conch fritters and bollos at the kiosk near the aquarium.
Drink espresso from Baby's Coffee
See a play at the Red Barn Theatre
Drink at Sunset Grill at Ocean Key
Take a Snorkeling trip
Drink at the Pier House
Go on a Reef Trip
Drink at Kelly's
Ride the Glass Bottom Boat
Drink at The Rum Barrel
Charter a Deep Sea Fishing boat
Drink at Island Dogs
Play a round of golf at the course on Stock Island
Drink at Two Friends
Play tennis
Drink at Conch Republic Seafood
Take a Seaplane Ride
Drink at Schooner Wharf
Go on a midnight Ghost Tour
Drink at The Afterdeck at Louie's Backyard
Go Wreck Diving
Drink at Dante's
See the Customs House Museum
Drink at Margaritaville
See the Atocha exhibit at Mel Fisher's Museum
Drink at Six-Toed Cat
Tour Martello Tower and see Robert the Doll
Drink at Grunt's Bar
Visit Fort Zach Taylor
Drink at A&B Lobster House
Tour the Key West Lighthouse
Drink at Chicos
See the Southernmost Point

What we did:

Breakfast at Pepe's
Lunch at No Name Pub with Kath the Viking.
Drinking at Carolines and making fun of the tourists.
Drinking at Hog's Breath and catching up with old friends.
Drinking at Half Shell and more catching up with more old friends.
Woke the dead at Solares Hill
Watched sunset from The Top at La Concha

Oh yeah, one more thing-
Fought a 25 knot crosswind for 511 miles.
I have a permanent right-hand list now from leaning into the wind the whole way back to Jax. Gah.

(No key deer were injured [by us at least] during this episode of drinking and debauchery.)


Friday, August 16, 2013

Day Two - Part II

One perennial favorite in the lower Keys is the No Name Pub.

Every exposed surface is covered with dollar bills. I've been going here forever...

I remember coming here with my folks back in the mid 60s, if that gives you an idea of it's legacy.

Oh look. Another photo op.

Lunch time.
Pete knew what he wanted...
Pete: "I'll have the grouper sandwich."
Excellent choice.
I checked through the rest of the menu but found nothing more interesting...
Pete: "Dude- it's a fish sandwich the size of your head. You know you want it..."
Yours Truly: "You're right. I'll take one too."

Lunch of Champions - Grouper Sandwich and a Strongbow

There were a couple other bikes outside the Pub...

A really old HD with sidecar...

Another one- not so old, but still a cool older BMW-
Pretty sweet.
Back on the road- KW is on the horizon.


Day Two - Part the First

We rolled south - hoping to catch up with one of our long-time friends.
She was down in Key West early for a doctor's appointment, and we wanted to meet up for lunch as she was heading back to Marathon...
She had previous a commitment for noon-time so we just arranged to meet in Big Pine Key to chat for a few minutes- so we kept rolling down the Overseas Highway with minimum stops...

We did get get delayed for a few minutes at Snake Creek when the bridge went up.
Seemed like a good spot for a photo op.

Pete in travel mode.

We made our rendezvous point in Big Pine just in time.
As we chatted one of the ever-present chickens came calling.

Damned free-range cocks...

Next up- late breakfast/early lunch.


Day One - Southbound

So... The plan is to head south, meet up in Ft. Pierce where I-95 meets the Turnpike.
(I'm coming down 95, Pete's taking the Turnpike from O-Town.)

Then we'll head further south - hopefully make Homestead / Fla City before sundown since we didn't want to hit the 18 Mile "Death" Stretch at night.
 (I still get heebie-jeebies from driving the Stretch in my youth.)

But we didn't figure the rain delay...

I made it to Ft Pierce just before the rain came down.

Waiting on Pete, watching the rain fall.

He rolled in about 40 minutes behind schedule, wet but in good spirits...
We had to wait out a little more rain then got back on the road.

Just for the record- Miami drivers are still crazy/stupid/assholes.
Every one of them.
Add rain-slick highways to the Miami dumbasses and it throws a monkey wrench into the timetable.

9:30PM - We made Fla City for the overnight, and were back on the road at 8:00 AM.

Two wheels good, four wheels bad.


Tuesday, August 13, 2013

If I Had One Of These... motorcycle rider, Volkswagen Beetle or hitchhiker would be safe.

I'd name it Shelob and head to the entertainment district at 11:00pm on a Friday!


Monday, August 12, 2013

There It Is, In Black & White

The Left has been waiting of an opportunity like this for a long time...

And on the other side of the coin...

Article here...

Man, sometimes this blog just writes itself.


Damnit. Another Bike Purchase.

...And the best I can do is put 2 new tires and a full set of brake pads on my Japanese Sewing Machine.

Serially, though...
Borepatch got his ride and is tearing up the highways and byways of Atlanta...

And I got an email from Pete about his newly-acquired ride...

Ooooh. A nice Fat Boy.
Lots of chrome to keep polished.

Lucky bastards.

Pete's birthday is this weekend so a little celebration is in order.
Originally we planned on a long weekend in Vegas but his better half shook off the effects of the sedative and put the kibosh on The Hangover - Part 4 / Fear and Loathing Pepper Spray in Clark County.
But- a celebration must be had, hence another dose of benzodiazepine is applied, and voilà, permission to drink and debauch (within reason and bounds of martial covenants) in Key West is secured.

Watch this space- Weirdness is afoot.


Thin-Skinned Dems Are Outraged!

Someone just made fun of His Serene Majesty the Emperor Barack Hussein Obama II, Lord of the Flies, Keeper of the Hoops, Master of the Greens, Bringer of Kinetic Military Action, Vacationer-in-Chief, Slayer of Osama, and Protector of the Holy Cities of Honolulu, Martha's Vineyard and Chicago!
Someone call the Political Correctness Police and the NAACP!

Most of the crowd apparently loved it... the left-leaning members of the audience were horrified, though.
It was at that point I began to feel a sense of fear. It was that level of enthusiasm,” Beam, a 48-year-old musician from Higginsville, said Sunday, referring to the reaction from the crowd that filled the fair’s grandstand.
So, Mr. Beam- What exactly were you in fear of? That the crowd would pick up pitchforks and torches and start marching toward 1600 Pennsylvania Ave?
“They mentioned the president’s name, I don’t know, 100 times. It was sickening,” Beam said. “It was feeling like some kind of Klan rally you’d see on TV.”
See a lot of Klan rallies in the news lately?

State Democratic leaders are up in arms too.. from the KC Star Article:
In a statement from Lake Ozark, Democratic U.S. Sen. Claire McCaskill called it shameful and unacceptable. She noted that the fair receives taxpayer dollars and is supposed to be a place to celebrate the state.
“But the young Missourians who witnessed this stunt learned exactly the wrong lesson about political discourse — that somehow it’s ever acceptable to, in a public event, disrespect, taunt and joke about harming the president of our great nation,” McCaskill said in the statement.
Democratic Gov. Jay Nixon’s press secretary, Scott Holste, said in a statement, “The governor agrees that the performance was disrespectful and offensive, and does not reflect the values of Missourians or the State Fair.”

Look you happy Progressive, Leftist assholes-
It's all sweetness and light and "we are only joking" and "it's satire, get over it" when Tina Fey does her "I can see Russia from my backyard" shtick, or when you hang a political figure in effigy as part of a Halloween display...
Like this jewel from an Obama rally in 2008.
(Do keep in mind that Bush was still President at this time, all you 'Respect the Office of the President!' Shouters.)

Classy, huh?

Do you think the response from the same Progressives would be exactly the same- the indignant 'you must respect the office of of the President!' horseshit they are shoveling if a clown with a George W mask made an appearance?

One last note:
The organizers of the event, the Missouri Rodeo Cowboy Association, apologized on its website, calling the act “inappropriate.”
“We are taking measures by training and educating our contract acts to prevent anything like this from ever happening again,” the statement said.
Loose translation: "Racial Sensitivity Training for everyone!

Cracker, please.
I hate to tell you, if someone is TRULY racist, 3 hours (or even 100 hours, or 1000) in a classroom is not going to change their mind/attitude/proclivities.


Sunday, August 11, 2013

Jeebus, The Fanbois Are Freaking Out...

A photo of the Beorn character has been leaked from the next Hobbit installment, and the purists are having kittehs!

That's a pretty sweet Mul-Hawk he's sportin'...

The folks on Twitter/Twitchy are going full-goose bozo discussing book-to-screenplay-to-movie translations based on a grainy still.

How about a big mug o' NerdChill for y'all?
Just wait for the frackin' movie to come out before you start slitting your wrists or Peter Jackson's throat because a character doesn't meet your criteria, hmmm?


Friday, August 09, 2013


I'm printing up cards like this....

Click for embigification 


Happy Shark Week - Part III

Screw it. I'm never going back in the water.


Thursday, August 08, 2013

In Celebration of Shark Week -Pt 2

We're sending in Seal Team Six...

"Sharks... I hates 'em!"


Unclear On The Concept

Seen one of these yet?


Wednesday, August 07, 2013

In Celebration of Shark Week - Part 1


Non Sequitur of the Week

"Yemen says it has foiled Al Qaeda plot to blow up oil pipelines and seize ports, as it is revealed US intelligence were tipped off by intercepting terrorists' conference call"
-Daily Mail UK online

"More than 20 operatives were involved in the call, which mainly involved Al Qaeda leader Ayman al-Zawahiri, and Nasser al-Wuhayshi, the leader of Al Qaeda’s affiliate based in Yemen.

Badi said: 'The plot aimed to seize the al-Dabbah oil export terminal in Hadramout [province] and the Belhaf gas export facility, as well as the city of Mukalla [Hadramout provincial capital].'

He said the bid was prevented by Yemeni forces deploying extra troops around the targeted facilities and banning anyone from entering.

News of the foiled plot emerged after the United States evacuated some American diplomatic staff out of Yemen and told nationals to leave the country immediately after warnings of potential attacks that had prompted Washington to shut missions across the Middle East."
Let me wrap my head around this...
Al Qaeda wants to seize/blow up an oil export terminal in Yemen, ergo-
Shut down embassies in Antananarivo, Madagascar; Abu Dhabi, United Arab Emirates; Amman, Jordan; Bujumbura, Burundi; Cairo, Egypt; Djibouti, Djibouti; Dhaka, Bangladesh; Khartoum, Sudan; Kigali, Rwanda; Kuwait City, Kuwait; Manama, Bahrain; Muscat, Oman; Port Louis, Mauritius; Riyadh, Saudi Arabia; Sana'a, Yemen; Tripoli, Libya; and Doha, Qatar.

Yep- that will Al Qaeda guessing.


I See We Need To Have Another Review... *sigh*

OK, Constant Drivers- Listen up.

Lane 1 - Drive with uniform speed- preferable 5-8 MPH above posted speed limit.

Lane 2 - This is for the poor undecided assholes that can't lead, follow or get out of the way. Don't be this guy.

Lane 3 - Drive the speed limit or just a tad more.

Lane 4 - Accelerate! At no time should you slow down, or Ganesh forfend, stop to wait for a break in traffic in Lane 3.

Are we clear?

Jeebus Pete, were you f'n sleeping in Driver's Ed?


Monday, August 05, 2013

How Do They Do That?

I need to look into this-
I can never keep 'em lit for more than a few hours...

From the Drudge Report


KA3AHb Through a Lens

The young программист ученого shot quite a bit of footage during our visit to KA3AHb and has assembled quite a nice video of the scenery...

It's definitely worth a peek, if only to dispel the impression I might have given all both my Constant Readers that Kazan is a complete shithole from stem to stern...
Quite the opposite-
Kazan has many wonderful qualities- if one takes the time to go and find them.

Kazan (by программист ученого)


Sunday, August 04, 2013

I Loves Me Some Good Parody

Yes... The original IS bit overplayed, but this parody is spot-on.


Saturday, August 03, 2013

Yay! Another Talking Dog!


Friday, August 02, 2013