Wednesday, June 30, 2010

Lawn Ornaments, Florida Style

KK came to my den lair office after being on vacation down in South Florida...

KK: "Do you ever get down to Sanibel?"
TBG: "Not in many years. Why?"
KK: "You've gotta see this. I saw it and thought of you and Jingalls."

Here we go....

It wasn't as bad as I thought...
(I thought she might have run across a particularly bad scene with cops outside a local strip club or perhaps and embarrassing situation involving a Hooters girl, a bottle of Wesson oil, a pair of roller skates and a traffic control device...
Fortunately, it was much more mundane, but probably just as funny.)

Outside one of the McMansions along the beach in Sanibel:

(click pic for biggification)

And the neighbors (White Trash no doubt; My kinda people) were forced to reply in kind with a figurine to guard their driveway:

That girl's got quite a set of nuts on her...


Twilight Foolishness

The penalties of having a 16 year old daughter...
1- Having to listen to a three-month countdown to the premiere of "Eclipse".
2- Succumbing to emotional blackmail:
"Please come to the midnight premiere with me, Mom and Kyle."
(Like I have any chance of telling her 'no'.)
3- Having to sit through a Twilight/New Moon double feature over the weekend so I'd be up to date with the story.
Bonus: Sitting in a movie theater at 1AM, listening to 300 teen-aged girls get their knickers in a twist when one of the Twi-Boys makes his first appearance, sans shirt.
Serially, 300+ girls gasping and all whispering some variant of "OMG He's soooo hawt!"

Well. That was interesting... But I AM glad it's over...

Shhhh. Don't tell anyone...
The real reason I didn't mind going to Eclipse:
Ashley Greene

I know.
I'm going to Hell.


Tuesday, June 29, 2010

Tuesday Morning Shooting Club

Recoil Therapy.


Friday, June 25, 2010

Is There a Draft in Here?


2010 NHL Entry Draft, Staples Center - LA


Wednesday, June 23, 2010


Go home.

Bug brought to my attention that this post is lacking in some detail and definition.

This is Chick Hearn Boulevard in LA, which runs between the Staples Center and LA Live...
The colorful tents and pop-ups are where the 300 or so TwiHards have been living for the last 96 hours, waiting for their chance to get in line at the Twilight - Eclipse premiere.
Yep- wall-to-wall acne and bodies-by-Burger King 15 year olds waiting to see Robert "I don't wash or wear deodorant" Pattinson.
Which proves girls can be just as dorky as fanboys waiting for the Star Wars movie premieres.


Monday, June 21, 2010

Overheard Whilst Sitting in the Pool

 Mrs Jingalls [after being on the telephone w/ her son]: "It must be something genetic... [Bingalls] was throwing up all night last night too."
C : "Too?"
Jingalls: "I was too. Seeing that Grouper Provencal* that I had for dinner last night again at 3:00 this morning wasn't very pretty."
TBG: "Must be a long distance father-son connection- Sympathetic Vomit.
C: "Sympathetic Vomit... That's great."
TBG: "Yeah- I think that's a band..."
C: "If it's not, it should be. They could do songs like Elton John's "Don't let the sun throw up on me"


And now I see that here is an actual list of vomit songs...

*From our Clueless Waiter Division- Steer clear of Sparky's Landing if you like competency in your waitsatff,
the chef would have skewered our (very pushy) waiter for describing aforementioned Grouper Provencal as "Traditional Greek" since they threw a handful of black olives on it. 
More on Sparky's later...


Wednesday, June 16, 2010

Compare and Contrast

World Cup - Germany 2006
(Sorry... World Cups)

 Hey, Number 7 and Number 11! Straighten those knees! And Number 10... wipe that silly grin off your face!
This is Germany! We like conformity!

Now for South Africa...

Sorry. No girlie pics. We're all out playing our Vuvuzelas!


The Pony and The Dog

One of the tasty items on my plate in the relatively near future is a trip out to the Left Coast for a little demo for the NHL at their 2010 Draft.

The term Dog and Pony show has always been one of my favorites- conjuring the image of a circus performance of a dog and a pony- and my involvement as one behind the scenes at this kind of performance...running like mad trying to accomplish the impossible as the spotlight is on the Pony and the Dog.

A few years back I came across a little scrap of poetry regarding software coding and the role of the Management (or Marketing in our case) and the Client as we attempt to make a living without going insane (or postal) that featured the Dog and the Pony quite prominently.

Deep in engineering down where mortals seldom go,
A manager and customer come looking for a show.
They pass amused among us, and they sign in on the log.
They've come to see our pony and they've come to see our dog.
Three things you should be wary of,
A new kid in his prime,
A man with all the answers,
And a code that runs first time.
Summoned from our cubicles to conference room we go.
We bring our dog and pony for we know they'll want a show.
Watching as we enter with a shifty restless eye,
The customer sits waiting in his pinstripe suit and tie.
Three things never trust in,
That's the vendor's final bill,
The promises your boss makes,
And the customer's good will.
The pony kicks his heels up as the doggie does his trick,
And hands are waved with vigor as we lay it on real thick.
The customer just watches as we do this song and dance,
Then reaches for his briefcase, only giving us a glance.
Three things see no end,
A loop with exit code done wrong,
A semaphore untested,
And the change that comes along.
From briefcase then there comes a list of things we must revise,
And all but four within the room are taken by surprise,
And all but four are thinking of their last job with remorse;
The customer, the manager, the doggie, and the horse.
Three things hold no secret;
Files that somehow hit the net,
Your boss's secretary,
And the third thing I forget.
First twenty-one new features that somehow we must add in.
Then thirty-seven changes show up, much to our chagrin,
And this thing's just inadequate, and that one's just plain wrong,
And by the way, your schedule is about three months too long.
Three things it is better far that
Only you should know,
How much you're paid, the schedule pad,
And what is just for show.
The customer proceeds to go through each change line by line.
Excruciating detail which no logic can divine.
When it ends there's only four not sitting there agog;
The customer, the manager, the pony and the dog.
Three things never anger,
First the one who runs your deck,
The one who does the back-up,
And the one who signs the check.
Now we are contract software types who spend our days and nights,
Embedded in the system down with all the bits and bytes,
And none but us can tell full well the damage done today.
It's what they do not know for which they're gonna have to pay.
Three things are most perilous,
Connectors that corrode,
Unproven algorithms,
And self modifying code.
The manager and customer are quick to leave this bunch,
They take the dog and pony and they all go out to lunch.
Now how will we revenge ourselves on those who raise our ire?
Write code that self destructs the day the warranties expire.
Three things trust above all else;
Your knowledge of your craft,
That someone makes a profit,
And that you will get the shaft.

Copyright ©1988 Duane Elms- All Rights Reserved


Monday, June 14, 2010


I've been deluged with comparatives lately...

You know what I'm talking about.

I'm as ______ as a _______ .

She's as _______ as ______ .

Two of my recent favorites:
From JR (Fester), [who hasn't made the 'blog since...the beginning of January?] describing his ordeal in Chicago during the Stanley Cup final:
"Man, it's hotter than a soccer mom up here."

All I can say is 'wow'.

And my other current fav came from the Gormogons:
"Respectfully, Mr. Egan, your argument is dumber than snake mittens."
(They credited it to Dilbert via a link.)

Pack rat that I am, I dutifully added them to my ever-growing file folder of "Stuff I Like" and as I am wont to do, I began reviewing said compilation and found the list has grown quite a bit.

Knowing that my beloved Constant Readers would enjoy this bit of lexical tomfoolery,
(and, more important, needing some content to offer up to the same demanding Constant Readers lest they become whining and petulant) please find the following comparatives entertaining.

Or I shall have to go find more pictures of JR and post them.
Basics: As cold as the north side of a titch’s wit.
As cute as a bug’s ear.
As dumb as a doorknob.
As funny as a cigarette machine in a cancer ward.
As horny as a two-peckered billy goat.
As lowdown as a snake’s belly in a wagon rut.
As nervous as a [long-tailed] cat in a roomful of rocking chairs.
As painful as a centipede with sore feet.
As slick as snot on a greased doorknob.
As stupid as a screendoor in a submarine.
As ugly as the south end of a north-bound mule.
As worthless as an egg-sucking hound.
So skinny that, when he drank tomato juice, he looked like a thermometer.
So slow he couldn’t herd turtles.
As busy as a dog in a fire hydrant factory.
Useless as a fork at a soup convention.

Then the barroom/bathroom language sets in...

Built like a brick shithouse.
Feel like shit warmed over.
Looks like he was shot at and missed then shit at and hit.
Raining like a cow pissing on a hard rock.
Went over like pay toilets in the diarrhea ward.
He gets more ass than a toilet seat.
Busier than a one-legged [wo[man]] at an ass-kicking contest.
Colder than a well-digger’s ass.
Colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra (or nightgown).
Crazier than a shithouse rat.
Funnier than a bubblegum machine in a lockjaw ward.
Lower than a mole’s asshole.
More painful than sliding down a fifty-foot razor blade and falling into a bucket of alcohol.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Tighter than a bull’s ass in fly time.

Sometimes they take a little thought or imagination to figure out where they are taking you...

I gotta pee so bad I can taste it.
Your breath is so bad it could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon.
He has his head so far up his ass he needs a periscope.
Worse than a porcupine doing quality control in a balloon factory.
Busier than a termite with a tapeworm.
Busier than  a one-eyed cat watching three mice.
So horny even the crack of dawn had to be careful around me.
So low you have to carry an umbrella so the ants wont pee on you.
So stupid he thinks the English Channel is a T.V. station.
He's so lazy he married his first wife's sister so he wouldn't have to break in a new mother-in-law.
Cold enough to freeze the dildo off a doorman.
She’s enough to make your tongue hard.
Ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road.

Then it really starts to get weird:
Fast as an alligator walking through a handbag factory.
Hot as a piss-ant in a pepper patch in the middle of July.
Run like a striped-assed ape.
So buck-toothed he could eat an apple through a knothole.
So dumb that, if he had another brain, it would be lonesome.
If ignorance was music, he’d have a brass band of his own.
Hot as a June bride in a featherbed.
So awkward he couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle.
Nervous as a bubble dancer with a slow leak.
Slimy as a couple of eels in a bucket of snot.
Jumpy as an epileptic frog.
So poor he couldn’t make the down payment on a free lunch.
A room so small you had to go outside to change your mind.
Nervous as a pregnant nun at high mass.
So poor that if trips around the world cost a quarter, he doesn't have enough money to get out of sight.
As useless as a condom machine in a convent.

Foghorn Leghorn was all about a good comparison...

Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Subtle as a hand grenade in a barrel of oat meal
He's got more nerve than a bum tooth
Lower than a snake full of buckshot
More mixed up than a feather in a whirlwind
A mouth like an outboard motor
Nutty as a fruitcake
Strong as an ox, and just about as smart

Of course, another of my all-time favorites, "That guy was as ugly as a hatful of assholes." brings up a mental picture that sticks with you for a good long time.

And the one that has been used more than once to describe this 'blog and Yours Truly...
"Dumber than a box of hammers."


Double Whammy

Too soon?



Sunday, June 13, 2010

Horatio Was Watching the Game


Helpful Hints from Uncle Jay



Waiting for the Ass-Kicker-in-Chief to plug the leak...
Because apparently he's the only one with the knowledge of how this is done.


Hard At Work

He's been all over the BP Spill from Day One...

Yeah, he's burning the midnight oil (heh) on plugging the leak...

"After the game we'll head back down to the court and shoot some hoops while the waygu is cooking..."


Thursday, June 10, 2010

Let's Get a Drink - Part The Third

What if...?

I can guarantee you that she's sized you up within the first 15 minutes...
Hang it up, man. She knows it will only end in tears.


Wednesday, June 09, 2010

Let's Get a Drink - Part The Second

The Mechanics of Drinking

Yet another reason that going out "for a quick drink" is a much bigger ordeal for her,
and like I said before, you just aren't worth it.


Tuesday, June 08, 2010

Let's Get a Drink - Part The First

 This is why she won't go out with you...
Too many decisions to be made, and you just aren't worth it.

(Thanks Mom!)


Community Ass-Kicker In Chief


So, what happened to your "Intelligent, smart, well-educated, most cerebral, most ethical, president evar!"
Either he's talking out of his ass, or he's just a poser. Or both. You choose.

From NBC:
"...And I don't sit around just talking to experts because this is a college seminar. We talk to these folks because they potentially have the best answers so I know whose ass to kick."

Somehow I don't see Urkel being able to kick-ass his way out of a wet paper bag...
And as for his "I'd fire that guy if he worked for me..." in regard to Tony Hayward,
I have news for you: Hayward and other people of his caliber wouldn't work for you...
They are intelligent, capable business people, not Chicago-style political thugs.
And if you're going to get tough and start firing people for saying stupid things... Well...
Let's just say there'd be quite a few openings on the executive staff at the White House.


10. “See what I have on here? These are my ass-kicking pants. Stop calling them mom jeans.”

9. “Time to open a can of whupass! …Oh, but not this can; it isn’t certified organic.”

8. “I am here to kick ass and chew arugula, and I’m all out of arugula because of the high prices at Whole Foods.”

7. “Let me be clear: Your ass is mine!”

6. “Got your organic whupass now, but it’s in a jar, not a can. Time to open it! Errrr… Hmm, let me just run it under some hot water and pound it against a counter a few times and then it’s whupass!”

5. “My name is Barack Obama. You spilled oil in my gulf. Prepare for finger pointing.”

4. “I ain’t got time to bleed… but I probably have enough time to finish a round of golf.”

3. “I’m here to kick ass and take names. Mainly to take names. Please fill out this census form.”

2. “Watch out: It’s not only my close personal friends I throw under a bus.”

And the number one Barack Obama tough guy line…

“You’ve messed with the wrong president, and polls show quite clearly I am the wrong president.”


Bootlegging 101

a/k/a "It fell off  the back of  a truck!"

Non-Licensed NBA gear being sold on the street across from TD Garden...
Where are the Trademark Police when you need 'em?


Language Lesson

Bill "That's funny, you don't look Chinese" Lee and I were discussing regional speech and he came out with the following bon mot:
"I did pick up 'y'all' pretty quick, because people Down South didn't understand 'yaz'."



Out of Context - Boston

Sitting at a table in a pizza joint across from TD Garden in Boston...

BL:  "I'd like to see you go to the bathroom."
TBG: "Whoa there, big fella!"
BiF: "Check please!"
BL: "Wait..that's not what I meant!"

Sure... That's always the way it starts...
And it usually ends with me in a holding cell, half-blind from pepper spray.


Monday, June 07, 2010

Just As I Suspected

(sub-concourse thermostat at The Garden)

Boston is Hell.


Smack Talkin', Jersey Style- via Boston

John: "When I get back from lunch, that's it. We're throwin' down!"
Tasha: "Oh, you wanna go? We'll go. I'll bring the Vasaline and you take the razor outta your mouth and it's on."
John: (realizing the depth of his error)
"I'm not coming anywhere near you."

It is a wise man who realizes when his cojones are in danger.


Wednesday, June 02, 2010

Art Imitates Life

Top kill meets Titanic: James Cameron enters fight against oil spill

 "I made a movie once about underwater stuff...That makes me an expert."

File under "You've got to be shitting me..."


BP Stocks Tanking...

 This one's for TRav:

BP shares plummet around the world

You mean that BP's new business plan to offer free oil to marine mammals isn't working out for their bottom line?


Too soon?


Tuesday, June 01, 2010

Will There Be a Battle....

...over who gets custody of the Internet?

Al & Tipper splitting up.