Thursday, June 30, 2011

A Shotgun Rack For Your Posture Pedic?

Zach at The Wrong Way seems to think I need some esoteric "as seen on TV" hardware for my shotgun...

This couldn't work here at the Estrogen Palace...
I'd get out of bed on a late-night bladder-draining expedition and get one or both cojones snagged on some portion of the holder or the gun itself...
Either that or the whole assembly would wind up tangled in the sheets and be impossible to get to if needed.

And I really wonder how that whole assembly would hold up to a spirited bout of bedroom calisthenics?


I'll stick with my normal solution.

(And no, I won't tell you what it is...)


Wednesday, June 29, 2011

A Guy Walks Into A Bar...


TheOnesDay® meme - Gilbert & Sullivan Edition


What Could Possibly Go Wrong?

Jeebus, where to begin with this one?

From The Beijinger

1. Well, if you didn't wear a banana hammock you wouldn't need a stuffed codpiece to combat shrinkage, would ya?

2. From the photos, it seems like there's not a lot of buttressing or stabilization gear. One thinks that any strenuous activity (swimming, diving, walking) might cause a shift in the equipment or packaging, making the overall appearance very strange. And perhaps humorous.

3. Well, yeah, women have used Wonderbras and cunningly padded büstenhalter in order bumfuzzle and hoodwink guys into believing they (the women) possessed charms of prodigious size and cunning proportion & alignment...

But, after a quick, very unscientific survey the consensus was "What the hell is wrong with men? Why would they do this?"
(I checked with TWWKMTS and she had nothing but a snort of derision for such a canard. But then, I spoil that woman, so such a reaction might be expected.)

4. Truth in advertising...
Just like what sometimes happens upon the removal of a Wonderbra, there will be a certain amount of angst- not unlike the famous Kübler-Ross Seven Stages of Grief:

Shock - Her: "What the...? Are you KIDDING me?"
Denial - Her: "I cannot believe that I was taken in by such a blatant deception!"
Pain & Guilt - Him: "Ow!! Jeebus, I guess the padding wasn't enough protection for a kick in the nuts."
Anger & Bargaining - Her:"If you don't get out of here right now, I'm going to kick you in your ornamental ballsack again!"
Depression & Reflection - Her:"Men suck." Him: "Damn. That hurt."
Reconstruction and Working Through - Him: "Hello, Customer Service? I need a new CrotchPad... Could I get a thicker one this time?"
Acceptance & Hope - Him: "Maybe my new codpiece will get here before the weekend."

It's interesting that Teh Women have no issue with the concept or execution of breast augmentation (within reason), but the Enzyte commercials and products of that ilk are evidence of Male Dementia. It's OK to want bigger boobs, but when a guy wants a more impressive piece of equipment, he's a sicko.

Remember the 3 biggest lies:
1. The check is in the mail.
2. I'm from the government and I'm here to help you.
3. Size doesn't matter.


Tuesday, June 28, 2011

Candidate Endorsement

Beyonce says President Obama needs another term.

Well... That certainly changes everything.
I guess I was wrong all along.


Signs of our Times - Seems Logical To Me Edition


Monday, June 27, 2011


A little old lady named Louann checked into a motel on her 70th birthday, but she was a bit lonely.

She thought, “I’ll call one of those men you see advertised in phone books for escorts and sensual massages.”

She looked through the phone book, found a full page ad for a guy calling
himself Tender Tony – a very handsome man with assorted physical skills flexing in the photo. He had all the right muscles in all the right places, thick wavy hair, long powerful legs, dazzling smile, six pack abs and she felt quite certain she could bounce a quarter off his well-oiled bottom….

She figured, what the heck, nobody will ever know. She give him a call.

“Good evening, ma’am, how may I help you?” Oh my, he sounded sooo sexy!

Afraid she would lose her nerve if she hesitated, she rushed right in, “Hi, I hear you give a great massage, I’d like you to come to my motel room and give me one.

No, wait, I should be straight with you. I’m in town all alone and what I really want is sex. I want it hot, and I want it now. Bring implements, toys, rubber, leather, whips, everything you’ve got in your bag of tricks.

We’ll go hot and heavy all night – tie me up, cover me in chocolate syrup and whipped cream, anything and everything, I’m ready!! Now how does that sound?”

He said, “That sounds absolutely fantastic, but you need to press 9 for an outside line.”


Family Portrait Gone Weird

This is thought-provoking on several levels...
1. Is that a dog or a giant rat-thing?
2. A pink Ruger 10/22? Is that because of the rat-thing?
3. Posing in the bathtub?

It's a puzzler, I tell ya.


Sunday, June 26, 2011

Letters to People Unlikely to Respond - #6

Dear Grim Reaper,

Working overtime, are we?

You've recently taken Peter Falk, who played Columbo, one of my favorite TV detectives;

A few weeks back you took Elisabeth Sladen, my favorite Dr. Who companion, Sara Jane Smith, from back in the Tom Baker days...

My favorite WWE/WCW/TNA wrestler Randy Savage is now in the big ring in the sky;

Clarence Clemons is playing the Star Spangled Banner on his sax before the match.

Now Ryan Dunn, my favorite Jackass, has shuffled off his mortal coil and joined the choir invisible.

I'm starting to take this personal-like.
Why don't you knock it the hell off?

Kindest Regards-

The Big Guy

PS, By the way, Barack Obama is my favorite politician.
In case you were wondering.


Working Dogs


Saturday, June 25, 2011

Must-See TV

Woo hoo! Torchwood returns!


Signs of our Times - Recovery Summer 2011


Friday, June 24, 2011

Scenes From The Road

Ah, the innocence of youth.


Adventures in Fine Dining

I guess I should start asking for my fortune cookie before my dinner.


Wednesday, June 22, 2011

Confusing Headline of the Day - And thoughts thereupon...

Caution: Political Content Ahead
Free Ice Cream Seekers and Lefties need read no further.

Obama Gets 30% of Americans Certain to Support Re-Election in Economy Poll

I'm a little amused in the wording of this, but I've been into the Kill-Devil so I'll need to re-read it later...
But from the article:

By a margin of 61 percent to 37 percent, a Bloomberg National Poll conducted June 17-20 shows Americans say they believe that Obama will have had his chance to make the economy “substantially better” by the end of 2012.

Only 30 percent of respondents said they are certain to vote for the president and 36 percent said they definitely won’t. Among likely independent voters, only 23 percent said they will back his re-election, while 36 percent said they definitely will look for another candidate.

Lies, damn lies and statistics-

30% of whom? Yeah, they asked a buncha people, but how many will actually vote?
Voter apathy is the biggest disappointment I have the the American People in general.

Something else:
I'm getting wary of labels. Republican, Democrat, Liberal, Conservative...
As a rule, when I espouse my mostly conservative views, I get lumped in the all everything to the right of center... Which really ain't me.
Apparently "Not an ardent Obama supporter" is semantically equal to "Rabid Glen Beck-Rush Limbaugh-Fox News-Teabag-Racist-Motherfucker"...

Obviously, if you think President Obama is fucking things up, and that from a world economics standpoint that he doesn't have the brains God gave an ice cube, then you are just another tool of Big Business, a fool doing the bidding of the fat-cat capitalists.

From the other side of the fence, I know I look at anyone that still has a Obama/Biden '08 sticker on their car as a lazy, uneducated, give-me-something-for-nothing, spread-YOUR-wealth, class-envying dipstick with an entitlement mentality and no ability to look beyond their next unemployment/disability/welfare(or whatever they're calling it these days) check idiot.

Obviously they never read the fine print on the bumper sticker...
fuck up the USA so bad it will be indistinguishable from a third-world shithole like Egypt.

When the average Obama voter/supprter doesn't know that the jobless rate in the US is 9.1%, (but is more like 11% or 12% and they don't understand the difference) but they can tell me the minutiae in the Casey Anthony trial forensics, or an in-depth bio on one of the American Idol Idiot, then I begin to worry that polls mean absolutely nothing, and that clueless idiots will continue to drink the kool-aid and will probably re-elect the Smartest, Coolest, No-President-Has-Ever-Had-To-Make A-Harder-Decision, Never-Takes-a-Day-Off, TelePromter Jesus.
Koeschi help us.

XiaoJie! More rum! Xiang xianjiu!


Hang in the kids, more free ice cream later.


TheOnesDay® meme - Where's TBG edition

George Bush, Queen Elizabeth, and Vladimir Putin all die and go to hell.
While there, they spy a red phone and ask what the phone is for.
The devil tells them it is for calling back to Earth. 

Putin asks to call Russia and talks for 5 minutes. 
When he was finished the devil informs him that the cost is a million dollars, so Putin writes him a check.

Next Queen Elizabeth calls England and talks for 30 minutes. 
When she was finished the devil informs her that cost is 6 million dollars, so Queen Elizabeth writes him a check. 

Finally George Bush gets his turn and talks for 4 hours. 
When he was finished the devil informed him that there would be no charge for the call and feel free to call the USA anytime.

When Putin hears this he goes ballistic and asks the devil why Bush got to call the USA free.
The devil replied, "Since Obama became president of the USA, the country has gone to hell, so it's a local call."


Sunday, June 19, 2011

Bridgestone Arena - Backstage


Mental Cruelty

Poor puppy...


Dad Life

Happy Fathers Day

Dad Life from Church on the Move on Vimeo.


Saturday, June 18, 2011

11.5 Wasted Minutes

...But a fun 11.5 minutes though...

100 Greatest Movie Threats
(Do I have to warn you that this is Not Safe For Work?)


Photos From The Road - Buffalo Edition

From CoConspirator 1.5, a photo from the Buffalo NY area:

(Click pics for a closer look)

Wait... He's chained to the urinal?

Could this be a Rule 34 thing?


Friday, June 17, 2011

What Kind of Plane is That?

I want to go to the airport and watch that thing take off...
I bet it's impressive...

Yes, I know.
It just struck me funny when I first saw it.


Wednesday, June 15, 2011

Love Note

I got a message when I got back to the Hotel this evening:

"Dear Big Guy,
Please do me right now! Right here by the minifridge, on the floor in the bathroom, on the bed, or over on the couch. Hell, I'll even take the floor in front of the TV.
I don't care, I just need you to do me like I've never been done before.
- sincerely,
Your Expense Report"


TheOnesDay® meme - The Ides of June

Want to hear teh Funny?

From MichelleO -
"...This man doesn't take a day off."

Um... Weeks at Camp David? Martha's Vineyard? Hawaii?
Or are Michelle and the Girls taking his vacations for him during their trips to Spain & South Africa?

Of course, she did make this speech at a $1000/plate fundraiser...

Sorry- this really isn't political satire / parody.
Let me see if I can find something to fit the meme....

How about this:

That oughta do it for today.

Other meme participants: Borepatch, PISSED, Coop


Tuesday, June 14, 2011

Double Punch Tuesday

Carrying on the tradition of Double Punch Tuesday at Hooters, even while on the road, the CoConspirators and I went to Hooters of Sunrise...

Our waitress was not the sharpest knife in the drawer.
2 out of our 4 orders were messed up. Par for the course, actually.

I felt the need to take a picture of her to send back to Jingles at the mothership, as they were lunching at the Hooters on Southside...
Just for comparison, to see how the local competition *ahem* stacked up *ahem*...

This was the photo I had to send... No frontal shot would pass inspection.
I think I just heard someone in the back ask 'why?'...
Did I mention that she wasn't on the top of her game?

She was sporting a nasal anomaly...A very bad case of Bats in the Cave...

Sad, really.


Divine Retribution


One order of Karma, coming right up.

Texas man dies of apparent heart attack while raping elderly woman

"Isabel Chavelo Gutierrez, 53, complained to the woman that he wasn't feeling well and stopped in the middle of the sexual assault to rest, the newspaper says."

More here


Back on the Road - FLL

It's been pretty busy the last few days...

As I have mentioned to several people (pretty much anyone who'd listen) I couldn't wait to get back on the road so I could get some rest...

From the previous post, astute Constant Readers might have gathered that it was the PC's graduation weekend... I blew into town from Montreal on the wings of a storm, arriving at midnight the night before graduation to find a house full of people-
The Family was in town from all points of the compass, and it seemed like a good number of them were staying at The Estrogen Palace... We (The Woman Who Knows Most Things, Yours Truly, and The PC) relinquished our humble abode to the gathered masses and stayed elsewhere...

Graduation went off without a hitch, as did the celebration dinner that night, then we had a small shindig at the house for all the visitors & family on Friday...
This shindig degenerated to a large game of Brew-No (Uno card game with drinking rules) that finally broke up around 2AM.
We still had a full house on Saturday, and we put them to good use - serving up all the Shindig leftovers and pretty much cleaning out the refrigerators.

We finally ejected the last of the guests by 4:00 on Sunday- just in time for me to jump in my rental car and hie my not inconsiderable ass to Ft. Lauderdale, where  Operation Refit continues...

8:00 AM had me in the arena doing the stuff I'm supposed to be doing, and was finished by 4:00... I wanted to catch Game 6 of the Stanley Cup Final, so I had a couple hours to kill, so I went to the Cinema and caught Super 8.
Not too shabby a flick...

Typical Steven Spielberg - some kids get caught up in Bigger Events and save the day.
Enjoyable, but not groundbreaking.

The CoConspirators were in town last night too; I heard tales about a visit to an Adult Entertainment Establishment...

Yes, while I watched Vancouver get the snot kicked out of them (really Canucks? 1 to 4? C'mon.) the Boys were at Goldfinger's, where the story was CC1 was a undercover LEO and it was CC2's last night before heading off to an extended stay the Raiford Hilton.
Stellar entertainment - One of the hostesses kept falling asleep on CC1's shoulder. She was missing a front tooth (wow, classy) so when she started snoring she whistled...
Well, it could have been worse- I do remember one place where the girls had misspelled tattoos and infected facial piercings...
But I digress...

The fun continues-
The NHL is heading back to Vancouver for Game 7 on Wednesday night...

As DP might say, "This next game is gonna be huge."

I'm in La-Te-Da-derdale, then off to the next victim on Thursday PM.
The PC and TWWKMT are over in Tampa for orientation at USF...
School starts in less than two weeks.
Bless that child, she's jumping in with both feet.

Onward, through the fog...


Thursday, June 09, 2011

The Perfect Child

Today is Graduation Day

A wise man once said that Life was a journey, not a destination.

The Woman Who Knows Most Things:
"So we should be careful of confusing the journey with the destination?
Which is this... The Journey or the Destination?"

Yours Truly:
"Neither. Haven't you noticed? This is the confusion."

If you'll indulge me, let me show you some mileposts on the PC's journey...

(Click a picture to see full size)

She's off to Tampa and USF in the next few weeks...