Friday, December 09, 2011

Can't Say I Wasn't Warned...

...Several times and in several manners.

You would think that after my last encounter with The Czar I would learn to leave well-enough alone.

Alas, any Constant Reader would know that it ain't in my nature to let  a sleeping dog lie.

So- in the last couple weeks as I traveled hither and yon across the Wasteland I have been building a force to lay siege to Castle G...
Take the battle to The Gormogons, tilt against Tcho-Tchos, maybe down a hot toddy with an antifreeze chaser at the Leaping Peacock...
I even let Them know I was coming....

The Czar did me one better, giving me and The Horde directions to the Castle and the Plateau of Leng.
The Castle travels in time and space, but can be found on the Plateau of Leng, when it appears just outside of the scenic hamlet of Fond-du-Lac, Wisconsin.

Take Route 45 North to Kinker Road, and turn right (heading East). This will become Westmoreland Drive (Exit 5). Head North to Castle Road and follow the signs.
If you reach WI- 114/10, you have gone too far North. You’ll soon know what that means.

Guests of the Castle may park in the rear for free, behind the Hippodrome. One of our Tcho-Tchos will be happy to park your vehicle for you, or at the very least, tear your seats apart with his teeth. If you need help with your bags, feel free to ask, and they will hurl them off the plateau.

Fond Du Lac
Check
Hwy 45 North
Check
Right on Kinker Rd
Check


Hmmm...
There was young man at the crossroads (possibly Dat Ho?) who handed me a wooden box containing what looked like a rusty astrolabe and a sextant made of condor bones.
"You'll need this."
The astrolabe had several additional retes, and on the back there were several zodiac signs that I didn't recognize, including a dragon, a burning tree, and a humanoid figure with a squid for a head.
Never let it be said that I can't follow directions.

Man, that water's cold. Deep too.

We found a road, of sorts.

The going got rough, then the going got weird.

When we saw the first hound of Tandalos, the Horde made a retreat that made the Italians in WWII look like Jim Bowie and the Texians at the Alamo. 
By this time, The Horde said became Yours Truly, two warriors of the F'kawee tribe, and a parrot.
The parrot was the only one who was prepared since he had that feathered coat, and the rest of us didn't even have a Union Oil map.



We started across the famous Plateau of Leng and quickly figured out is it is kind of a Mobius strip made of ice, human skin, used condoms, and pecan shells.

I started to realize the The Czar knew what he was doing when he gave us directions...
He was, I surmise, trying to teach us a lesson in metaphysical self-reliance.


It shortly became obvious what the Czar meant when he said:
"If you reach WI- 114/10, you have gone too far North. You’ll soon know what that means."
I consulted my GPS (useless), then plugged 114/10 reference into the astrolabe and then shot the horizon with the sextant trying to get a fix on our location.


We never found Castle G...but we did find something even more impressive...
We found a huge "X" inscribed in the noisome surface of the plateau as we arrived at the astrolabe's indicated position.
As we stood there, I realized that The Czar's directions had lead us to a very specific and mystical location...

We were directly above the center of the Earth.

Amazing.


TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

5 comments:

doubletrouble said...

Look, I heard the brown acid is bad, man...

The Big Guy said...

DT:
Hm.
Y'know, that IS a possibility.
There was a troop of Girl Scouts selling some funny-tasting cookies as we passed through northern Illinois...

kx59 said...

So..you're in Chicago again?
You weren't warned? Cuba, Whale, Pig Truck. It's not like you've not been...er, around.
The last time you came back from the Castle Gormogon you typed gibberish in Cyrillic.
Too much chicken fried steak is not good for the brain.

Borepatch said...

Win.

jon spencer said...

There are rocks on the bottom where that cold, deep water is flowing.