Winter Classic 2012
Friday, December 30, 2011
Long rant about overindulgences deleted.
1. Maggiano's Family Style Dinner for 4 = Gluttony2+major indigestion
2. Going to Fogo de Chao two days later = Didn't you learn your lesson the other night, dumbass?
I've got to quit going to dinner with JR & Da Boyz.
It always ends with me french-kissing a bottle of Pepto Bismol.
Obviously, not a pretty sight.
TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
Thursday, December 29, 2011
Well, Aries, the Moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars in no uncertain terms this coming week. You know your co-worker that stole the pencil sharpener last Thursday? The one with the cheeky smile? Well consider yourself in like Flynn! Yep, before the week is out you two are going to be under the covers and going at it like rabbits. To cap off the week, when you eventually turn on your phone after three days of hot sex, you will discover that you have inherited nearly a hundred million dollars from a fond uncle. You will also receive an erroneously calculated gas bill and find termites in the east corner of your house. Your lucky number is 17 - why not buy a lottery ticket - you’ve siphoned all the luck out of some other poor bastard’s universe, may as well go for broke!
Taurus ~ The Bull
Few weeks of your life will be quite as boring as this one. When you accidentally kick over a carton of orange juice on Beach Blvd on Tuesday, it will seem like an earth-shattering event to you. None of your friends will think so, however, especially Aries. Other than that, you will watch a re-run of House on TV, pick your nose until it bleeds and notice that all the cars in your street have number plates ending in 3 or 7. On Thursday you will get out of bed on the opposite side to the one you normally do.
Gemini ~ The Twins
With your sign under the influence of Uranus, this will be a real arse of a week for Geminis. An electrical fault in your motorcycle ignition system tomorrow will cause you to break down in the middle of commuter traffic. When you get off your car to look at the engine so you can pretend that you actually have a clue what goes on under there, a passing motorist will call you a ‘pugnacious lemon-brained froth-sucker’. At least that’s what it will sound like as they speed past. After you have trudged to work in a relentless drizzle you will remember that it was your day off anyway. The rest of the week is a little better, with a nice warm day on Tuesday and a particularly tasty chicken salad sandwich for lunch on Wednesday. Your lucky color is off-white and your lucky fruit is cumquat.
Cancer ~ The Crab
There’s no business like show business Cancer, and that’s no business for you to contemplate for even a second. Monday evening brings the temptation to go center stage at an after-work karaoke escapade, a temptation to which you will quickly wish you hadn’t succumbed. The video clip taken by a co-worker will be posted on YouTube and will receive 172,980 viewings. Most of those viewers will be laughing at you, not with you. You will not go into work on Tuesday, which will turn out to be a wise decision. On Wednesday you will receive news of a distant relative’s win on the lottery. You will eat a mediocre pasta dish on Thursday evening and drink a little too much red wine. On the weekend you will see a bizarre accident involving a person dressed in a bear costume and a clothes rack. Your sleep will be disturbed by dreams of escaped bees.
Leo ~ The Lion
On Monday you will be crushed to death by an unsecured piano falling out the back of a furniture truck.
Virgo ~ The Virgin
With Neptune high in the sky and Mercury on the ascendant, the next few days bring many exciting small things for Virgos. Early on there will be a letter in your name with a ten dollar voucher at K-Mart. On Tuesday a man in Liederhosen will goose you on the bus. Wednesday morning sees the commencement of a subscription to National Geographic and the afternoon brings an offer of scones and jam. Thursday you will be given a small parcel by a Middle Eastern man. It will contain Turkish Delight, a packet of cardamom pods and some spools of maroon thread. Over the weekend there will be some nice weather. You will see something funny on the TV that will cause you to snort blue Gatorade over a clean shirt.
Libra ~ The Scales
After last week, you’ll be wanting to sit down and take it easy you Librans! Which is what you’ll attempt to do, and fail. You face a week of constant interruptions, aggravations and stomach ailments. You will try to avoid being contacted by switching off your mobile phone, but that won’t work - news of a relative’s recent windfall (an inheritance due to the death of a wealthy uncle) will reach you by singing telegram. A motorcycle will break down in front of you in peak-hour traffic and you will uncharacteristically shout obscenities at the poor bastard looking at the engine. You will witness an horrific accident in which a person is crushed to death by a piano.
Scorpio ~ The Scorpion
Scorpio! What a week you have ahead! You know how you’ve always wanted to parachute out of plane at 3000 feet? No? Well that’s what you find yourself doing anyway. It’s not at all fun. Later in the week you will hit your head very hard on the sharp under-edge of a cabinet. There will be a lot of blood. But fear not! Romance is in the air! A tall dark mysterious stranger wearing a cape will give you flowers (an attractive selection of gerberas, daisies and lilies) at the bus stop. Unfortunately they will trigger your hayfever and you will spend the rest of the week in bed. An email sent to you by Bill Gates, offering you a million dollars, turns out to be spam. Your lucky number this week is 1.232 and your lucky woodworking tool is an awl.
Ophiucus ~ The Serpent Bearer
As usual, people will fail to take any notice of you this week, and you will feel transparent and insignificant.
Sagittarius ~ The Archer
A trip to deep thermal vents in a submersible is on the cards for lucky Sagittarius this week. You probably don’t think that’s likely, but it is a damn site more likely than the discovery of the alien civilization at the bottom of the ocean which follows. You find yourself front-page news along with the other 500 million Sagittarians who were down there. Your lucky color is taupe and your lucky grain is barley.
Capricorn ~ The Sea-goat
Remarkably, this week for Capricorns is exactly the same in every detail as last week.
Aquarius ~ The Water Carrier
Aquarius can look forward to a FedEx package this week. It will contain some news from Peter Popoff, with a lot of writing and a piece of The True Cross. Later in the week brings a visit from a Greenpeace representative wanting you to join up. She will give you a leaflet and a sticker. You will have a very spicy curry on Wednesday night, and some garlic naan bread. A noisy neighbor will keep you awake on Thursday by playing seemingly endless repetitions of ‘My Sharona’ on their hi-fi. Your lucky vegetable is a swede, as is your lucky National representative.
Pisces ~ The Fishes
As the week commences Pisceans might start to think that they’re going insane. As, in fact, they are. By Wednesday the hallucinations will have well and truly set in, and you’ll all be completely bonkers by 3pm Thursday. Your lucky color is paisley and your lucky prescription medication is Valium.
Wednesday, December 28, 2011
Tuesday, December 27, 2011
Monday, December 26, 2011
Following in the footsteps of Tom Lerher and his musical adaption of the Periodic Table, two Columbia University students playing Wm. Strunk and E.B. White, performing The Elements of Style.
The Elements of Style from Jake Heller on Vimeo.
“Split infinitive/Never definitive/Sounds unintelligent/Dumb and inelegant.”
TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
Saturday, December 24, 2011
Friday, December 23, 2011
Rios: "I don't share my bananas with anyone."
TBG: "That's what she said."
Other fun quotes...
Sean: "...the rats are going to outlive us."
MichaelM: "Them and Cher."
Good times, good times... TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
Thursday, December 22, 2011
Monday, December 19, 2011
Sunday, December 18, 2011
Want: For the tree
Alas, no longer available through
Want: to sneak one onto someone else's tree...
TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
Sunday, December 11, 2011
Saturday, December 10, 2011
Friday, December 09, 2011
You would think that after my last encounter with The Czar I would learn to leave well-enough alone.
Alas, any Constant Reader would know that it ain't in my nature to let a sleeping dog lie.
So- in the last couple weeks as I traveled hither and yon across the Wasteland I have been building a force to lay siege to Castle G...
Take the battle to The Gormogons, tilt against Tcho-Tchos, maybe down a hot toddy with an antifreeze chaser at the Leaping Peacock...
I even let Them know I was coming....
The Czar did me one better, giving me and The Horde directions to the Castle and the Plateau of Leng.
The Castle travels in time and space, but can be found on the Plateau of Leng, when it appears just outside of the scenic hamlet of Fond-du-Lac, Wisconsin.
Take Route 45 North to Kinker Road, and turn right (heading East). This will become Westmoreland Drive (Exit 5). Head North to Castle Road and follow the signs.
If you reach WI- 114/10, you have gone too far North. You’ll soon know what that means.
Guests of the Castle may park in the rear for free, behind the Hippodrome. One of our Tcho-Tchos will be happy to park your vehicle for you, or at the very least, tear your seats apart with his teeth. If you need help with your bags, feel free to ask, and they will hurl them off the plateau.
Fond Du Lac
Hwy 45 North
Right on Kinker Rd
There was young man at the crossroads (possibly Dat Ho?) who handed me a wooden box containing what looked like a rusty astrolabe and a sextant made of condor bones.
"You'll need this."
The astrolabe had several additional retes, and on the back there were several zodiac signs that I didn't recognize, including a dragon, a burning tree, and a humanoid figure with a squid for a head.
Never let it be said that I can't follow directions.
Man, that water's cold. Deep too.
We found a road, of sorts.
The going got rough, then the going got weird.
When we saw the first hound of Tandalos, the Horde made a retreat that made the Italians in WWII look like Jim Bowie and the Texians at the Alamo.
By this time, The Horde said became Yours Truly, two warriors of the F'kawee tribe, and a parrot.
The parrot was the only one who was prepared since he had that feathered coat, and the rest of us didn't even have a Union Oil map.
We started across the famous Plateau of Leng and quickly figured out is it is kind of a Mobius strip made of ice, human skin, used condoms, and pecan shells.
I started to realize the The Czar knew what he was doing when he gave us directions...
He was, I surmise, trying to teach us a lesson in metaphysical self-reliance.
It shortly became obvious what the Czar meant when he said:
"If you reach WI- 114/10, you have gone too far North. You’ll soon know what that means."I consulted my GPS (useless), then plugged 114/10 reference into the astrolabe and then shot the horizon with the sextant trying to get a fix on our location.
We never found Castle G...but we did find something even more impressive...
We found a huge "X" inscribed in the noisome surface of the plateau as we arrived at the astrolabe's indicated position.
As we stood there, I realized that The Czar's directions had lead us to a very specific and mystical location...
We were directly above the center of the Earth.
TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
Thursday, December 08, 2011
Wednesday, December 07, 2011
The Alameda County Sheriff's Department confirmed that at around 4 p.m. a cannonball was "misfired" from the Alameda County bomb range at Camp Parks and struck a home blocks away on Cassata Place."Don't try this at home, we're professionals" my aching, dying ass...
"This cannonball was supposed to pass through several barrels of water and a cinder block wall to slow its inertia," said J.D. Nelson of Alameda County Sheriff's Department. "When the shot was fired, it misfired. The cannon lifted."
TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
Tuesday, December 06, 2011
I made a little detour on Sunday afternoon and dropped by Waco TX for a late lunch and good conversation with Famous the Borepatch. A little rum, some great tales and catching up...
I caught the Quote of the Week during our chat:
"Bad news doesn't improve with age." came out during an exchange about how to break bad news to Upper Management.
Anyone want to hazard a guess what was on the menu?
You got it...
A chicken-fried steak the size of a Ford Pinto.
Astute readers will note the Uncle Jay signature move: The double-starch side dishes.
Yep- Macaroni & Cheese AND mashed potatoes.
As The Mighty Skunk opined recently:
"Your coronary arteries must really hate you."
Probably so... But with this variable weather, I prefer to believe that my cholesterol is the only thing keeping me from freezing to death.
Life's too short NOT to eat chicken fried steak...
But at least I wait to have GOOD CFS... Life is NOT too short to eat BAD chicken fried steak. (I'm looking at you, Waffle House & Cracker Barrel...)
Abe Sapien: "My body is a temple..."
HellBoy: "Not anymore. Now it's an amusement park."
If I'd know I was going to live this long I'd have taken better care of myself.
TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
Monday, December 05, 2011
Sunday, December 04, 2011
Saturday, December 03, 2011
I'm having this done to my A390...
Maybe I won't shred my thumbs next time I go skeet & trap shooting.
Mmmm... Nice hardware...
(Click to enlarge)
I'm thinking about getting a Benelli M1 just so I can get one of these Xrail mag extensions. 27 rounds in the gun.
Perfect for the impending Zombie Apocalypse.
Speaking of nice hardware, how about this Gaia-unfriendly beast?
Talk about an 'extended cab'...
Ok- Back to the range...
TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
Thursday, December 01, 2011
If Hooters pisses you off, don't go to Johnny's
My my my.
Yes, that is how the waitresses dress.
But the real showstoppers are the wings...
That 27 year old recipe for Johnny's Famous Hot Sauce?
It is awesome.
Frank's Red Hot sauce, Durkee's & butter...
It's like liquid love...
Angry, kick-your-ass-so-you-can-have-crazy-weasel-makeup-sex love.
They were so good, I forgot to get a picture when they were delivered.
I even finished the bones.
If you are in the area, run, don't walk, to Johnny's.
1017 Russell Blvd St. Louis MO (314) 865-0900
TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
Wednesday, November 30, 2011
KX59 & the lovely and armed Southern Belle were the ones that took me to Goodsens in Tomball earlier this summer... it was the opening act in the Great Chicken Fried Steak Und Weiner Schnitzel Quest...Since you are going to be near Fort Worth, I found a truly epic chicken fried steak for ya...
Cowtown Diner in Ft Worth
I had it in Texas, I had it in LA, and of course I had several orders in Berlin this year.
So, KX59 is trying to kill me -
The link he sent was about the "Full O Bull" Chicken Fried Steak challenge platter
9 pounds of chicken fried steak...
Think about a slab of CFS the size of a bath mat.
I could probably eat one...They give you all day to do it.
The problem is that you also have to eat 6 pounds of mashed potatoes, and 10 slices of Texas toast.
I avoided temptation and ordered the lunch version...
There was an issue-
I never should have held on to the menu after ordering.
As I was looking over the starters I saw this:
Oh my. Oh my oh my.
I was pondering an order of these deep-fried hand grenades and my lunch arrived.
Just the regular order was amazing.
No way I'll be able to finish this beast AND and order of the deviled eggs.
CFS, green beans with bacon and mashed potatoes.
Probably not quite as big as the one at Goodsons...
But it was still really really good.
Did I finish it?
Does a cripple crab crawl?
If the Fates drag you kicking and screaming to Fort Worth Texas, mosey on over to the Cowtown Diner on Main St, between 1st and 2nd...
Sit at the bar and have Justin the barkeep tend to your needs and wishes.
As for that laginappe...
Yeah- I got an order of the deviled eggs to go.
They were awesome.
TBG- Stuffed to the gills.
(PS- Hey Borepatch- there is a special Easter egg in this post for you...)
-or, how I spent my day in Dallas
When seating cards in an Evertz frame chassis,
Press the card in as hard as possible.
Then press even harder.
Only then will the card seat completely and start to function properly.
Seems that the chassis have a TFS that is set at a pretty high threshold.
TBG - Dallas, westbound.
(TFS? That would be the Technician Frustration Sensor.)
Tuesday, November 29, 2011
Who, you may ask, are "they"...
Radio station programming directors, big box merchandisers, all those folks that want to hasten us into the gift-buying mentality/behavior.
The ones that are particularly galling right at this moment are the radio stations and Muzak-analogs that run in-store and in-restaurant background music systems...
It starts just after Halloween... an occasional Holiday Hit stuck in amongst the regular airplay. Now it's all Christmas, all the time- from Thanksgiving morning to New Years Day...
And it's starting to piss me off.
(Untrue- I've been pissed off about this for a long time.)
Back when I actually had a say in the matters I tried to issue a moratorium on music & decorations at the Estrogen Palace...to no avail.
The Woman Who Knows Most Things and the Perfect Child used to love digging out all the foofaraws and paraphernalia for The Season on the Saturday after Thanksgiving...
I would try to get them to delay to at least the 9th or 10th...(arbitrarily picked date, anything to delay the inevitable)
I figure two weeks of festivity was plenty for anyone.
Not that I'm a Grinch or anything, but a month or more of anything is too much.
Two weeks keeps it all fresh through the end of The Season- otherwise, hearing the 200th rendition of "Grandma Got Run Over By A Reindeer" makes me want to grab the .270 and look for a rooftop or a clock tower.
I've been on the road since Thanksgiving day, and will be for for the next 2 weeks-
and it seems like every hotel lobby, restaurant and airport I've been in has been blaring Jingle Bell Rock and I Saw Mommy Kissing Santa Claus cranked to 11.
I'm already tired of it.
Fortunately for me my Rental Car du Jour has an iPod interface, so I can listen to Warren Zevon, Tom Waits, Jimmy Buffett and Leon Redbone ad infinitum... This way, when I feel the need for Seasonal Festivity, I can flip over to MY Christmas playlist and listen to my favorite sounds of the season like Mannheim Steamroller or the Trans-Siberian Orchestra, or perhaps even a little Bob Rivers:
(I know... It's kind of a drag...)
Meanwhile, back to the problem at hand-
Overdosing the general public on Christmas music...
Uncle Jay's suggestion:
No Christmas music before or on Thanksgiving. None.
Stop screwing up the holidays by rushing things.
Play all you want on Black Friday.
(Maybe it will calm the Rabid Horde down a bit and cut down on the pepper-spray incidents.)
Then wait until December 1st; play one every hour or so...
Ease us into it.
In the 2nd and 3rd week, bump the carols-per-hour up gradually until the 20th-
Then go whole-hog...
Wait. What am I thinking?
Expecting sanity and restraint from the American Merchandising Machine?
That be like Congress enacting Election Reform...
It's a lost cause.
TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
Monday, November 28, 2011
Sunday, November 27, 2011
Wednesday, November 23, 2011
Tuesday, November 22, 2011
Monday, November 21, 2011
Sunday, November 20, 2011
Saturday, November 19, 2011
Friday, November 18, 2011
Thursday, November 17, 2011
As I pulled up behind you on my motorcycle and we waited on the traffic light,
I could tell there was going to be a confrontation.
You were rocking the "Commuting Smoker" pose- window down, mostly-consumed cigarette held stylishly out the window, occasionally flicking the butt to increase the ash content of the streets in Neptune Beach.
This isn't her, but it is the same situation in the same place.
I sat behind you watching, knowing what was coming, like I have seen it a thousand times before...
One last drag as the light goes green, then the butt sails out the window, to add to the huge collection of discarded smoker trash at every turn lane in North Florida, and I guess, most of North America.
Yep- you reeled it in for a minute for that final lungful of tars and nicotene, then held it out the window at arms length and let it drop to the street.
You. Fucking. Slob. Bitch.
I know you couldn't possible have known that not ten minutes earlier I'd just had a similar encounter out on Atlantic Boulevard where another smoking asshat flipped his butt out the window where it impacted my windscreen then bounced up, narrowly missing my face.
I spent the next 10 minutes cussing smokers in general, until I wound up behind you.
And this callous move pushed me over the edge.
"Hey! Lady. This isn't your ashtray! Pick that up!" I shouted.
The light had changed and traffic started to move...
I could see your shilouette in the car- you gave the palms-up, shrugged shoulders-
Oh. You're busted, and you want to play dumb.
No problem. Let me expalin.
I know you were surprised when I rode around you and stopped my bike in front of your SUV, hopped off the bike and walked to your window, which was still down...
I picked up your still-smouldering butt and flicked it in your window...
(...and you should be thankful I threw it down toward your floorboard instead of your face.)
"You dropped this, you slob. The street isn't your fucking ashtray."
I went back to my bike, dropped into first gear and rode off.
Here's where the apology comes in.
I apologize for using profanity at you.
I'm sorry you have a nicotene monkey on your back.
I'm sorry you're such a slob.
I'm sorry for the people you live and work with.
I apologize for wanting to live in a place without heaps of cigarette butts in the streets.
See you next Tuesday.
The big mean guy on the motorcycle behind you.
What the fuck is wrong with you people?
I could give a flying fuck what kind of poison you sniff, snort, shoot, inhale or rub into your belly. Do what you want. Really. I could give a fat rat's ass.
BUT QUIT USING THE STREET AS YOUR FUCKING ASHTRAY.
TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
Wow. Color me amazed.
But I'm not going to start holding my breath yet...
WASHINGTON, Nov. 16 (UPI) -- The U.S. House voted Wednesday to approve a bill that would allow reciprocity between states that issue concealed-weapon permits..
The National Right-to-Carry Reciprocity Act of 2011 passed 272-154 with 229 Republicans and 43 Democrats backing it, the Los Angeles Times said.
Proponents want the measure to make it easier for gun owners to travel between states without having to worry whether their permit is valid, but opponents view it as a federal infringement on states' rights, the newspaper said.
"The simple right to defend yourself and loved ones from criminals is fundamental, and it doesn't extinguish when you cross a state border," said Rep. Cliff Stearns, R-Fla., who sponsored the bill.
The bill goes to the Senate where similar legislation died in 2009.
Forty states have some form of concealed-weapon-permit reciprocity, advocates said.
"...opponents view it as a federal infringement on states' rights"...
Seems to me that the 'opponents' the LA Times cites are a bit misguided.
I would think that the infringement would be if the bill required that everyone buy a firearm. Kinda like forcing everyone to purchase health insurance.
TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE