Tuesday, August 26, 2014

Airport Run

4:30 am- Enroute Changi-
Taxi driver thinks he's Ng Petty...
We're topping 150km on the deserted freeway.

Didn't know the little sino-shitbox taxi could go this fast...

TBG - buckling up.

Saturday, August 23, 2014

Just F'ing Awesome

Row 52, Seat J. Middle seat, of course.
Yeah, this is going to be 14 hours of awesome.

Fuck United Airlines.
With a great big barbedwire-wrapped dildo.


Friday, August 22, 2014

Circling The Drain

Going from bad to FUBAR now...

Missed my Hong Kong flight which would have eventually had me in Singapore just after midnight Sunday AM.

I saw the plane pull away from the gate as we were pulling in.
United Customer Service (spit) said "No problem. We have put you on tomorrow's flight."

No Fucking Way.

Trip is short as it is- I can't afford to miss a full day on the ground.

They finally put me on a shit routing-
At least I only lose 12 hours in-country.
I can't find any info on the SFO-TPE or the TPE-SIN flight... And I can't do seat assignments.
Taking wagers I'm going to be on Malaysian Air on one or both segments...

Upside: I've had several hours in Chicago to compose a scathing email to United (spit).
I hope whoever reads it has asbestos eyeballs...

Bad Start

(Dateline: 12:54edt, in the air over Tennessee I think)

Shit is going downhill fast...

First- flight time changed- 45 minutes earlier than originally scheduled.
Damn near missed boarding window.

Next- equipment issues at the gate- 40 minutes leaving gate, plus 10 more minutes to get off the ground.

Original landing time at O'Hare is 12:20p, my ORD - HKG boards at 12:40... I'm doing the math, and I'm a little concerned.
I have a bad feeling that a United gate agent is going to see me lose every bit of my charm and eloquence.
I might get to see what the holding cells at O'Hare are like...

One ray of sunshine- no checked bags so I can do an OJ through O'Hare if I need to in order to get to an alternate flight.
Won't be pretty...
Film at 11.

Edit- 1:13. I'm screwed.

More soon.

Monday, August 18, 2014

Light Blogging

This weekend was the Perfect Child's 21st birthday.
Big milestone calls for big celebration.
Saturday night saw a gathering of celebrants come from as far away as NYC and Philly, to about 25 or so locals. The Estrogen Palace was awash in adult libations and drinking games...
Rousing games of Quarters, beer pong, flip cup, and I think Truth or Dare since one of the Older Crowd who shall remain nameless  was seen topless in the game room.
(Uncle Jay's beverage of choice- Angry Balls - Angry Orchard Cider and Fireball cinnamon whiskey. Wow.)
At Midnight we had to go to Pete's Bar in Neptune Beach to officially get "carded" and imbibe (legally).
Statistics for the house party are a little fuzzy-
6 or 7 12 packs of assorted beers, a keg of Mich Ultra (aka- sex on the beach beer- f'ing near water), 2 bottles of good vodka and a liter of Cuervo silver; handles of rum, Fireball, Cuervo gold, and a case of various wines.
Suffice to say, the PC was doing the technicolor yawn at about 3am.
Sunday found us all (YT, TWWKMT, Peej, Pete, Roberto, Britt) in St Augustine at a bed and breakfast, recovering from Saturday, the heading out to a big late lunch and a 9 location pub crawl... Barleys Irish, George & Dragon, Columbia, Colonial Tap House, Pizza Time, St George Tavern, Sangria's, White Lion, and an outdoor bar with no name...
Good times- and no worshiping the porcelain god this time.
Now back to real life- airport runs for visitors, house cleanup, and for me, conference calls and prep for Singapore.
Life is good.

Friday, August 15, 2014

Them's Some Pretty Fancy Shootin' Irons

Take a toy novelty and some blackwash paint and a little creativity-
Et voilà!
How to get shot by one of the Only Ones on a 'man-with-a-gun' callout.

But they look impressive as hell.


Thursday, August 14, 2014

Rain Rain Go Away

Sitting under a canopy at the gas station...
The bottom fell out as I left the office.
I just love the regular basic clockwork summer afternoon thunderstorms.
Need to fit the FJR with pontoons and a propeller.

Drinking Games

So... The PC's 21st birthday is right around the corner...
There is supposed to be a big shindig at the Estrogen Palace that will probably end up in a series of drinking games like Quarters or Asshole...
I'm going to try to get them to stick with Quarters and it's permutations-
I'm had some bad experience with Asshole....
Like this and this...

Anyone remember this?:

Yeah- that's Yours Truly walking through the hotel lobby with my pants over one shoulder and shirt over the other... Listen to your Uncle Jay, kids- Don't play Asshole, ummmkay?

So- in order to keep things lively...

Drinking Game Rule Making

PhoneMaster - If any player touches their phone, the Phonemaster can send a text message of their choice to any name in the contact list.

ForeheadMaster - (Variation of ThumbMaster)-
Just like ThumbMaster but you put your forehead down on the table.
After a couple rounds, getting your forehead down before the last person leads to slamming your head down and perhaps a concussion after a few rounds.

Meow - Can't use the word 'now'... Players must use the word 'meow' instead

No Eye Contact - Players cannot make eye contact

Gummies - If you laugh, you cannot show your teeth.

Viking Rule - The Viking (rulemaker or designate) makes horn motions on his 'helmet' with his/her hands. Every one else must paddle. Last one to do so drinks.

3rd Person - No one can talk in 1st Person

T-Rex Arms - The designated T-Rex must use 'tiny arms' when they drink. Double up if they forget.

Anyone got any others to add to the list?


Wednesday, August 13, 2014

Truth In Labeling

More accurate product labeling...

For ladies who insist on a red as their poison-of-choice whilst mooning over a lost love, just remember, red eyes and purple teeth clash. Stick with the white.

Yeah- the coconut flavor is fake, but the blinding hangover is real.

A/k/a - the Hipster's Delight. Just remember kids, it burns going down and coming back up.

Yes - at 11:00p, the bathroom is a grrrls bonding location.
At 2:00am, there are other bondings that occur in the bathroom:
1.  Girls holding other girls' heads out of the toilet during dry heaves
2. Guy/Girl bonding (a/k/a hooking up) - because humping in a stall in the men's room screams "romance".
3. Viral/Bacterial - Because you can catch STDs by using public restrooms... So quit fucking in the bathroom at Skippy's Bar & Grill.

And listen to Uncle Jay- once you KNOW you are going to blow chunks- commit to it.
Because if you try to contain it, the mix of Jaeger, Kamakazi shots, iced tea and the cheeseburger & fries you had for dinner is going to get lodged in your sinus cavity.
That can really put a damper on your hookup possibilities.

"Maybe even go over" - Wow. That's a trip down memory lane.
Listen to Uncle Jay again: Nothing will sober you up faster from a night of boozing than a 9mm shot across the bow from that fucking bitch a scared ex-wife with her new boyfriend as you stand on the lawn of your (former) house bellowing incomprehensible 'threats'...



Best Restaurant Name Evar

Wonder if that's Snoop Dog Lion's place?


Tuesday, August 12, 2014

The Scene of the Crime

On several cross-country trips with the Perfect Chile and The Woman, the PC has always been reluctant to stay at the old-school roadside motels due to an overwhelming fear of being the victim of some kind of 'Friday the 13th'-style massacre.

I've stayed in plenty of them over the years- and though I understand her fear, I've never suffered from any (more than normal) paranoia over this kind of accommodations.

Until I saw this place:

Yeah... That's 2 acres of NOPE.

That marquee might as well say 'Stay here and die'.


Monday, August 11, 2014

Lunchtime Reminder

Martinis are like breasts.

One is not enough, and three is too many.


ZOMG I Need This!

Oh Ghod! Wantwantwantwant!

TBG, enjoying the octane-selectable fuel hose...

Sunday, August 10, 2014

Fellow Blogger Blacklisted!

Wow... Them OpenDNS folks aren't screwing around...

Hey Irish-
You need to charge more for access since you are obviously running a straight-up porn site.


Musical Interlude - Sunday Symphonies

This version from a few months back was pretty good-

This one is pretty cool too-
It's want to say I like both of these better than the original, but AC/DC's version has a certain "angry old man" vibe that is quite enjoyable too.


Saturday, August 09, 2014

Names Part 2: Is That Your Stripper Navy Name?

WTF is going on in the Navy these days?
USS Cowpens

From The Navy Times:
The cruiser Cowpens was halfway through its Western Pacific cruise earlier this year when the commanding officer got sick.
Capt. Greg Gombert came down with flu-like symptoms in January that confined him to his cabin for about a week. As he was recovering, he contracted something more unusual: temporary facial paralysis.
The non-life threatening disorder makes it difficult to move certain facial muscles and initially can feel like a minor stroke.

Gombert holed up in his cabin to recuperate and began to push responsibilities down to the next most senior officer, a department head with 11 years in uniform with whom the Navy alleges Gombert carried on an “unduly familiar relationship,” according to a report obtained by Navy Times. Lt. Cmdr. Destiny Savage, the ship’s chief engineer and temporary XO, became the “acting CO,” officials now say, and essentially ran the ship — taking contact reports, leading junior officer qualification boards, and chairing department head meetings in the CO’s place.

Savage, a junior officer who was not fully qualified to be a permanent XO, even led at least two replenishments at sea, where the cruiser took on fuel from an oiler as little as 150 feet away in heavy seas, while the captain was in his cabin, according to the Navy’s investigation and interviews with current and former crew members.
No- I could care less that the Captain got sick, or had an “unduly familiar relationship”...
I want to know when they started hiring strippers as Chief Engineers?

Lt. Cmdr. Destiny Savage

Really? Destiny Savage?
I bet he parents are mad she went into the Navy, since they obviously had a long-range plan for her entry into the Adult Entertainment industry.

I wonder if she knows Duke Fremont or Magic Johnson?


Unclear On The Concept

" You keep using that word. I don't think it means what you think it means.
Something is wrong about this. 
I wonder if there is a 'Mackerel Brand' squid sauce?

Friday, August 08, 2014

Separating Hipsters From Their Money

...by getting ahead of the curve.

A long-time affectation of these idjit Hipsters is to wear/use items that they don't really need or in some cases, deserve:
Fake glasses, handlebar mustaches (especially for the girls), Knit beanie caps (especially in summer), Vespas, trust funds, vintage clothing (or heaven forfend, skinny jeans).
And one of the newer hipster trends, Vapor cigarettes.

So they are into fake, stupid or useless stuff- So lets find something we can market to them and deplete their disposable income....

I think I came up with something that will go with the fake glasses, fake cigarettes and other bullshit-
A faux hearing aid.

A big, behind-the-ear, perhaps a neon coloring or plaid?

"Yeah- I was already deaf before losing your hearing was cool."


Free Associations: Porn Names

I occasionally see names of things or places and it occurs to me that it would make a great character name in a book...
One of my favorites I see all the time is on the cars at the local high school - Fletcher HS in Jax Beach. The lacrosse players (and family, girlfriends and fans) have a sticker on their cars reading simply "Fletcher Lacrosse".
Great name. I'm going to use it in a book some day...

I also see place names on the highway signs on interstate exits and have similar thoughts-
Tyler Lindale (on I-20 in Texas) was a memorable one.

Porn Names have always been a source of amusement-
On the old Seinfeld TV show, George Costanza wanted his porn name to be Buck Naked.
(And there is probably a guy named Buck Nekkid in western Oklahoma who wants to change his name to George Costanza...)

The thing that recently occurred to me was that the absolutely BEST porn name already in common use and pretty much every one knows it...

That would be - Magic Johnson

How did I miss this for so long?


Wednesday, August 06, 2014

They Are Taunting Me

I just get everything put back together and ready to ride and I'm off again...
Only to find BMW putting on a drool-worthy display at the airport...
So nice, but so wrong.

Tuesday, August 05, 2014

The FJRs New Clothes

Old busted...

Finally got all her new clothes on, new jewelry, etc...
Just in time for me to get back on the road...
Oh well- She'll be ready for a nice long ride when I get back from Canadiastan.

New hotness...