Saturday, July 20, 2013

Mostly Back - KA3AHb Part A

Greetings Constant Readers...

I'm mostly back-
A significant portion of my sanity is still on a Lufthansa flight between Kazan and Frankfurt.

I've been under a social media blackout - we got an email that kinda implied large fines, social ostrasization, deportation and possibly transportation to Vorkuta if we were to post to Facebook, personal blogs, or any of several SM sites any info regarding the World University Games.
So now that I'm back among the living in The Land of the Free and the Home of the Brave (regardless of what Lady Gaga or Al Sharpton would have you believe) I can start to chronicle the Universidae 2013 KA3AHb,

Flights have been pretty roundly disappointing on this trip.
I did have some luck- bulkhead seat out of Jax... Bulkhead on the DC to Frankfurt leg-
But that's when the wheels fell off.

An angry German woman with a 2 year old and a infant plopped down in the two seats next to mine and began nesting...
(The "angry" became obvious when the flight attendant came to tell her that she couldn't have the 3 babystuff bags, food bag, and sundry toys for the 2 y/o on the floor for take off.
She offered some choice ugliness as she re-organized her crap then stored it up in the overhead. I tried to help and was greeted with a withering "Get the hell away from my spawn, you monstrous schweinehund pedophile" stare.
Ok then, Frau Blücher- You're on your own.

One of the flight attendants could sense trouble brewing and tried to help me out.
"I have a seat in an emergency row back in the next section- on the aisle. Why don't you take that one..."
Told her I appreciated it and headed back to the next section, where someone else was getting re-assigned to the same seat.
Damn. Conflict- I hates it.

The flight attendants had a quick confab- and when it seemed that 'Ogre-next-to-messy-German-mom' would trump 'separated newlyweds', at the last second that real occupant of the seat in question arrived and we were all losers.
I did the Walk of Shame back to my seat next to Frau Verärgerte Mutter and the Teufel spawnen. She looked as disappointed as I was.
As we readied for takeoff, Frau set the tone for the rest of the 7 hour flight...

She got the 2 year old settled with a bag of cheerios (that soon became projectiles) and proceeded to whip out a well-filled mammary and plug her youngest in for a nosh during take-off. Not the merest attempt at modesty or privacy. Just a 4-month old, hanging remora-like from a B-cup udder inches from my left elbow.

Nice. (Please- hon- get a hooter hider. The rest of the world will thank you for it.)
(One assumes this activity during takeoff and landing is OK with the airlines, since yon hardware isn't battery powered and doesn't emit radio transmissions.)

DC to Frankfurt - 7 hours.
The score:
3 full-immersion breastfeedings (with no involvement by Yours Truly)
2 vomiting episodes (complete participation by YT in both episodes)
2 scoldings from flight attendants about the cheerio-flinging 2 y/o
2 movies (Jack Reacher & Skyfall)
Multiple looks from the FAs that implied "Sorry, you poor bastard, but you just HAD to have that bulkhead seat. You bought that ticket, now you gotta sit through that movie."

The entire episode reminded of an episode from my sordid past.
(Cue flashback wavy-video effect)
I was once on a cross-country Greyhound bus trip in the late 70s- on my way to Kenosha WI to run AD&D tournaments at Gencon. In the hinterlands of Tennessee a young mom with a babe in arms got on the bus accompanied by her mother.
Grandma was in her 60s, and if Mom was even 17 I would be shocked.
Mom and Baby took the 2 empty seats across this aisle from me, and Grandma sat next to me on the aisle.
In the middle of the night the bus stopped. An honest-to-Gygax wraith got on and scared the crap out of everyone. He was about 80 lbs of dirt, filthy clothes and heroin addiction, carrying a huge suitcase and a guitar case. He stashed the (presumably) guitar in the first spot he could find, and continued toward the back toward the back of the bus with the suitcase that looked like it weighed more than he did.
Since TeenMom was holding the baby, the wraith zeroed in on the empty seat and hefted his 200+lb suitcase (obviously a compact heroin refining lab) into the overhead rack.
His eyes looked like two baseballs made from lean bacon...
He looked at TeenMom, then at the pink bundle in her arms...
"That kid pukes on me, he's out that f$#%ing window." and promptly closed his eyes and feigned sleep.
We all started breathing again and did out absolute damnedest not to wake the dragon...
Good times, good times.

Next up: An Eternity in Frankfurt



Old NFO said...

You win the sh!!ty flight award of the week, and are in the running for award of the year!

Ben Catoe said...

he usually does