Saturday, September 18, 2010

Liberal Idiots

For a fun Saturday read, here's a little something from the Doorknob file to amuse you while I'm off actually doing something productive...

You'll enjoy this compendium of wisdom and brilliance from the Left end of the socio-political spectrum.
(Note: No TRav quotes here, although he probably would qualify.)

1. Sheryl Crow on Environmentalism: "I propose a limitation be put on how many sqares [sic] of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required."
[Dear Sheryl: You. Must. Be. Shitting. Me. Kidding.]

2. Joe Biden on culturalism: "In Delaware, the largest growth of population is Indian Americans, moving from India. You cannot go to a 7/11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking."
[Dear Joe: STFU and go get me a Slurpee.]

3. Whoopi Goldberg on 43-year-old Roman Polanski raping and sodomizing a 13-year-old girl: "I know it wasn't rape-rape. It was something else but I don't believe it was rape-rape. He went to jail and and [sic] when they let him out he was like "You know what this guy's going to give me a hundred years in jail I'm not staying, so that's why he left."
[Dear Whoopi: If rape and sodomy is not "rape-rape", I can't begin to fathom what you'd consider REAL rape.]

4. Joy Behar on Economics: "Isn't it a little racist to call it Black Friday?"
[Dear Joy: No, it isn't. Until they start referring to it as "N****r Friday", just shut up and drink your coffee.]

5. John Conyers on the Health Care Bill, which he voted for: "I love these members, they get up and say, ‘Read the bill ... What good is reading the bill if it's a thousand pages and you don't have two days and two lawyers to find out what it means after you read the bill?'"
[Dear John: If it's too complicated to read and explain to your constituents, it's too damn complicated.]

6. Former DNC Chairman Donald Fowler on possible delay of RNC convention due to Hurricane Gustav: "Plus they think the hurricane's going to hit (starts laughing) New Orleans about the time they start. The timing, at least it appears now, that it'll be there Monday. That just demonstrates God's on our side"
[Dear Donald: I have it on good authority that God is a Conservative...
We have the Ten Commandments ... If He was a Liberal we'd have Ten Suggestions.]

7. Barack Obama: "I've now been in 57 states? I think one left to go?"
[Dear Conservatives: Can't you tell when someone is making a joke about being fatigued from being on the road for a long time? Let this one go.]

8. John Kerry on the troops: "You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."
[Dear John: Shut up and go sit on your yacht in Rhode Island and spend your wife's money.]

9. Howard Dean: "We know that no one person can succeed unless everybody else succeeds."
[Dear Howard: That kind of thinking is the basis of Marxism... You know this, right?]

10. Rosie O'Donnell: "Don't fear the terrorists. They're mothers and fathers."
[I don't even know how to start to describe the stupidity of this quote.]

11. Al Gore: "During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet."
[By same logic, then, I guess I personally took initiative and provided integral inspiration for the USA Basketball team's victory over Spain and Greece during the USAB games a couple weeks ago.]

12. Congressman Hank Johnson on Guam: "My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize,"
[We'll ignore the obvious stupidity and suggest that there are several places in danger if Mr. Johnson's tectonic fears were reasonable... Guam does have a high density at 324 people per square kilometer (/K2)... But what about Puerto Rico at 448 people /K2? And Taiwan is almost double Guam at 639/K2. And Hong Kong is really up there with 6,348/sq km. The place that Mr. Johnson should be concerned with is Macau, with 18,534/K2.]

13. Alan Grayson on Health Care: "The Republican health care plan: don't get sick ... The Republicans have a back up plan in case you do get sick ... This is what the Republicans want you to do. If you get sick America, the Republican health care plan is this: Die quickly!"
[I'm so embarrassed that this idit is from Florida.]

14. Nancy Pelosi on the economy: "every month that we do not have an economic recovery package 500 million Americans lose their jobs." (Note, she's made this "mistake" several times...)
[Nancy has no problem throwing numbers like million and trillion around...
Yes, Nancy, almost twice the entire population of the US are losing their jobs each month.
Someone with this complete lack of comprehension should NOT be spending other people's money.]

15. Helen Thomas: Jews should "get the hell out of Palestine" and "go home" to Germany and Poland.
[Ah, that's the completely unbiased media I know and loathe.]

16. Wanda Sykes: "I think Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker but he was just so strung out on Oxycontin he missed his flight ... Rush Limbaugh -- I hope the country fails. I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs."
[Hey Wanda... You don't have a lot of room to tell people what they need... Stick with comedy... And TRY to make it funny.]

17. Bill Clinton on ordinary Americans: "African Americans watch the same news at night that ordinary Americans do."
[Was he thinking that the American Public is under the impression that African Americans are watching CBS News... 'Cause nobody's watching that steaming pile of shit...]

18. Barack Obama on a tornado that killed twelve people: "In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died - an entire town destroyed"
[Again, when a politician thinks 12=10,000, they shouldn't be in charge of anything more complicated than bagging groceries.]

19. Harry Reid on Iraq: "This war is lost and the surge is not accomplishing anything."
[Will someone go buy this poor asshole a newspaper and teach him to read it.? Kthxbai.]

20. Kanye West: "George Bush doesn't care about black people."
[I think we can safely ignore anything and everything Kanye West ever says or does. Douchbag.]

21. Joe Biden on the economy: "The number one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S."
[Seems to be a "Liberals Can't Count" theme here..."]

22. Janeane Garofalo: "The reason a person is a conservative republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that's science - that's neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a republican."
[Neuroscience? Really? Janeane, honey, go back to stand-up comedy. Your whole "teabaggers are homophobic racists who hate the black president" thing is getting tiring.]

23. Joe Biden on History: "When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened."
[Too bad no one had television sets to watch this famous broadcast. It would have been awesome.]

24. Ted Rall: "Over time, however, the endless war in Iraq began to play a role in natural selection. Only idiots signed up; only idiots died. Back home, the average I.Q. soared."
[Except, of course, cartoonists from Columbia University, who are still dumb as a box of hammers.]

25. Michael Moore on terrorism: "There is no terrorist threat. Yes, there have been horrific acts of terrorism and, yes, there will be acts of terrorism again. But that doesn't mean that there's some kind of massive terrorist threat."
[The same guy who recently said that the McDonalds at Ground Zero killed more Americans than the terrorists. FTMF]

26. Henry Waxman on Environmentalism: "We're seeing the reality of a lot of the North Pole starting to evaporate, and we could get to a tipping point. Because if it evaporates to a certain point - they have lanes now where ships can go that couldn't ever sail through before. And if it gets to a point where it evaporates too much, there's a lot of tundra that's being held down by that ice cap."
[Mr Waxman needs to compare notes with Congresscritter "Guam's gonna capsize" Johnson.]

27. Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, DC: "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."
[Uh, Mr. Barry? You're crack dealer just called. You left your brains in the back of his Lexus...] 

28. California Senator Barbara Boxer: "Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, ‘Thank God, I'm still alive.' But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again."
[But you'll still get their votes, eh Babs?]

29. Wesley Bolin, former governor of Arizona: "We'd like to avoid problems, because when we have problems, we can have troubles."
[That's Trouble with a capital "T" and that rhymes with "P" and that stands for Problems.]

30. Senator Chris Dodd, while on the campaign trail: "Eight more days and I can start telling the truth again" Sen. Chris Dodd, on the campaign trail.
[You've been lying since you got into politics 35 years ago... Why start telling the truth now?]

31. Melissa Lafsky, Huffington Post blogger: "[Mary Jo] would have thought about arguably being a catalyst for the most successful Senate career in history ... Who knows -- maybe she'd feel it was worth it."

32. Joe Biden on the passage of the Health Care Bill: "This is a big fucking deal!"
[That's the same thing I thought when I saw Biden in Boston earlier this year.
"Big fucking deal."]

33. Bill Clinton: "It all depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is' is."
[In this particular case: "is"="you're fucked." At least Clinton was just screwing his intern(s)... 
The Magic Negro is screwing over the entire country.]

34. Jerry Brown, former governor of California, and current candidate for the same position: "The conventional viewpoint says we need a jobs program and we need to cut welfare. Just the opposite! We need more welfare and fewer jobs."
[Which is exactly why California is in the condition it's in today.]

35. Democratic Convention producer Don Mischer, overheard on CNN having an apoplectic seizure when the balloons failed to drop from the ceiling of the Fleet Center in Boston: "Go, balloons. I don't see anything happening. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. Stand by, confetti. Keep coming, balloons. More balloons. Bring them. Balloons, balloons, balloons! More balloons. Tons of them. Bring them down. Let them all come. No confetti. No confetti yet. No confetti. All right. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. We're getting more balloons. All balloons. All balloons should be going. Come on, guys! Let's move it. Jesus! We need more balloons. I want all balloons to go. Go, confetti. Go, confetti. Go, confetti. I want more balloons. What's happening to the balloons? We need more balloons. We need all of them coming down. Go, balloons. Balloons. What's happening balloons? There's not enough coming down. All balloons! Why the hell is nothing falling? What the f--- are you guys doing up there? We want more balloons coming down. More balloons. More balloons."
[What exactly happens when you inhale too much helium?]

36. Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, DC: "I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."

37. Bill Clinton: "I have never had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky. I've never had an affair with her."
[Thanks for opening that door for hunderds of thousands of teenagers to duck the truth when asked about their activities by their parents.]

38. Joe Biden, on the mother of Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen, who is, in fact, still alive: "His mom lived in Long Island for ten years or so. God rest her soul. And- although, she's- wait- your mom's still- your mom's still alive. Your dad passed. God bless her soul."
[Gaffe-master Biden, back in the house....]

39. Al Gore on zoology: "A zebra does not change its spots."
[Unless it might prove somehow that the Earth is getting warming due to man-made causes.]

40. Rod Blagojevich, former governor of IL: "I'm blacker than Barack Obama. I shined shoes. I grew up in a five-room apartment. My father had a little laundromat in a black community not far from where we lived. I saw it all growing up."
[Don't get me started on the "Blacker than Obama" thing.]

41. Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz on the newly passed health care law: "We actually have not required in this law that you carry health insurance."
[With Obamacare, you don't carry health insurance; Insurance carries you. To the cleaners.]

42. Congressman John Dingell on freedom: "The harsh fact of the matter is when you're passing legislation that will cover 300 million American people in different ways, it takes a long time to do the necessary administrative steps that have to be taken to put the legislation together to control the people."
[Uh, Mr. Dingell... Your Freudian slip is showing...]

43. Former Congressman Eric Massa: "Now, they're saying I groped a male staffer. Yes, I did. Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn't breathe and four guys jumped on top of me. It was my 50th birthday."
[Note to my beloved and thrice-blessed Constant Readers: My 50th is coming soon. This is something I DO NOT WANT.]

44. Congressman Charlie Rangel on our troops: "If a young fella has an option of having a decent career or joining the army to fight in Iraq, you can bet your life that he would not be in Iraq."
[Unless of course he has a love of freedom and a sense of moral duty to his country...]

45. Radio personality Ed Schultz on elections: "If I lived in Massachusetts, I'd try to vote ten times ... Yeah that's right, I'd cheat to keep these bastards out. I would. Because that's exactly what they are."
[So... Massachusettes Conservatives=Bastards. Liberal Radio Talk Show Hosts=Cheats, fraud-comitting Socialists.]

46. John Kerry on health care: "I'm going to be honest with you -- I don't know a lot about Cuba's healthcare system. Is it a government-run system?"
[Yeah- Why don't you take your yacht down there and find out.]

47. Congresswoman Maxine Waters on socialism: "Guess what this liberal would be all about? This liberal will be about socializing...uh, um...Would be about, basically, taking over, and the government running all of your companies."
[Gee... A Socialist in California politics? Say it ain't so! Is anyone surprised by this?]

48. Senator Harry Reid on Barack Obama: "...light-skinned," and with "no negro dialect."

48. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano on national security, after a man attempted to blow up a commercial airplane with a bomb in his panties: "The system worked."
[Which system would that be, Janet? The one where I can't carry fingernail clippers on a plane, even thought the US Gummint thinks I'm ok to carry a concealed handgun in 37 states?] 

49. Nancy Pelosi on legislation: "But we have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it."
[This one always drives me to apoplexy.]

50. Joe Biden to Missouri State Senator Chuck Graham, who is wheelchair bound: "stand up ... Chuck, stand up, Chuck, let 'em see you!"
["Is Chuck a great State Senator? Does a cripple crab crawl? Oh, sorry Chuck..."]



Anonymous said...

Yeah, my mouth's still hanging open from the "1 square of toliet paper."

Ew. A thousand times "Ew."

T-Rav said...

Hmmm... I actually enjoyed that. I have to say that Wanda's comments about Rush are spot on though.

Borepatch said...

This entire post should be considered a public service.


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