Friday, September 08, 2006

Upcoming Events

You know, I was checking my calendar to see what was in store for the next few weeks and I see where International Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day is coming on September 19th.

Seeing as I will be aboard an international flight, and talkin' all "Arrrg me hearties, avast an' put a mizzen in me hornswaggle" would be a good way to ensure a visit with my good friends at the TSA and their assortment of x-ray machines, gas chromatographs and rubber gloves, I'll just have to forgo the festivities until another time.

You, however, must participate.
Yes, Constant Readers, you must go forth and get your Pirate Name, dig the nomenclature and the vernacular and otherwise carry the flag. Wear your eyepatch, peg your leg, and shiver your timbers; you only get to do it once a year, so make hay while the sun shines, hearties.

SpongeMark Squarehands will have a handle of Captain Morgan at his desk for anyone needing a bit o' Grog to help get all you landlubbers into the futtock shrouds, so pay 'im a visit and get a nip so's you can release your Inner Buccaneer.

Some jargon and other helpful stuff:

Pirate lingo is rich and complicated, sort of like a good stew or three-day sinus infection.
Takes years to become proficient...But if you just want a quick fix, a surface gloss, a "pirate patina," if you will, here are the basics that you cannot live without. Master them, and you can face Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day with a smile on your face and a parrot on your shoulder, if that's your thing.

Ahoy! - "Hello!" or perhaps "Yo. What up, Dog?"

Avast! - Stop and give attention. It can be used in a sense of surprise, "Whoa! Get a load of that!" which today makes it more of a "Check it out" or "No way!" or "Get out!"

Aye! - "Why yes, I agree most heartily with everything you just said or did."

Aye aye! - "I'm on it!"
(or if you are working an IDS event "I'll get right on that sir, as soon as I finish these other five things you've asked me to do.")

Arrr! - This one is often confused with arrrgh, which is of course the sound you make when you sit on a belaying pin. "Arrr!" can mean, variously, "yes", "I agree", "I'm happy", "I'm enjoying this beer", "I saw that television show, it sucked!" and "That was a clever remark you or I just made." And those are just a few of the myriad possibilities of Arrr!

(TBG's Note to the Event Minions and Dingo, JVW & SMSH especially: "Arrr!" is not to be confused with "Grrrar!" Enough said.)

Beauty – The best possible pirate address for a woman. Always preceded by “me,” as in, “C’mere, me beauty,” or even, “me buxom beauty,” to one particularly well endowed. You’ll be surprised how effective this is.

Bilge rat – The bilge is the lowest level of the ship. It’s loaded with ballast, slimy, reeking water and Marketing types. A bilge rat, then, is a rat that lives in the worst place on the ship.
Since bilge rat is a pretty dirty thing to call someone, by all means use it on your friends.

Bung hole – Victuals on a ship were stored in wooden casks. The stopper in the barrel is called the bung, and the hole is called the bung hole. That’s all. It sounds a lot worse, doesn’t it?
Possible usage: When dinner is served you’ll make quite an impression when you say, “Well, me hearties, let’s see what crawled out of the bung hole.” That statement will be instantly followed by the sound of people putting down their utensils and pushing themselves away from the table. Great! More for you!

Grog – An alcoholic drink, usually rum diluted with water or beer, but in this context you could use it to refer to any alcoholic beverage other than beer, and we aren’t prepared to be picky about that, either. Call your beer grog if you want. We won’t stop you! Water aboard ship was stored for long periods in slimy wooden barrels, so you can see why rum was added to each sailor’s water ration – to kill the rancid taste.

Hornpipe – Both a single-reeded musical instrument sailors often had aboard ship, and a spirited dance that sailors do.
I'm not a big fan of the capering, it’s not my favorite art form, if you will, so I don’t have a lot to say on the subject, other than to observe that the common term for being filled with lust is “horny,” and hornpipe then has some comical possibilities. “Is that a hornpipe in your pocket, or are you just glad to see me? Or both?”

Lubber – (or land lubber) This is the seaman’s version of land lover, mangled by typical pirate disregard for elocution. A lubber is someone who does not go to sea, who stays on the land.
More likely than not, you are a lubber 364 days of the year. But not if you’re talking like a pirate! Then the word lubber becomes one of the more fierce weapons in your arsenal of piratical lingo. In a room where everyone is talking like pirates, lubber is ALWAYS an insult.

Smartly – Do something quickly. “Smartly, me lass,” you might say when sending the bar maid off for another round. She will be so impressed she might well spit in your beer. Mmmm....

In the interest of those who will be out carousing and/or wenching on Sept 19th:
Top Ten Pickup lines for use on International Talk Like a Pirate Day

10. Avast, me proud beauty! Wanna know why my Roger is so Jolly?

9. Have ya ever met a man with a real yardarm?

8. Come on up and see me urchins.

7. Yes, that is a hornpipe in my pocket and I am happy to see you.

6. I'd love to drop anchor in your lagoon.

5. Pardon me, but would ya mind if fired me cannon through your porthole?

4. How'd you like to scrape the barnacles off of me rudder?

3. Ya know, darlin’, I’m 97 percent chum free.

2. Well blow me down?

And the number one pickup line for use on International Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day is...

1. Avast! Prepare to be boarded!

Bonus pickup lines (when the ones above don't work, as they often won't)

Wanna shiver me timbers?

I’ve sailed the seven seas, and you’re the sleekest schooner I’ve ever sighted.

Brwaack! Polly want a cracker? … Oh, wait. That’s for Talk Like a PARROT Day.

That’s the finest booty I’ve ever laid eyes on.

Let's get together and haul some keel.

That’s some treasure chest you’ve got there.

And in the interest of equal time for the wenches out there:

Top Ten Pickup Lines for the Lady Pirates

10. What are YOU doing here?

9. Is that a belayin' pin in yer britches, or are ye ... (this one is never completed)

8. Come show me how ye bury yer treasure, lad!

7. So, tell me, why do they call ye, "Cap'n Feathersword?"

6. That's quite a cutlass ye got thar, what ye need is a good scabbard!

5. Aye, I guarantee ye, I've had a twenty percent decrease in me "lice ratio!"

4. I've crushed seventeen men's skulls between me thighs!

3. C'mon, lad, shiver me timbers!


...and the number one Female Pirate Pick-up Line:

1. You. Pants Off. Now!

Here endeth the lesson.

Go forth- plunder, pillage, etc,
and remember- the Poop Deck the raised area near the stern of the ship.
The place you're looking for the called the "Head".

Famous, Arrr!


Anonymous said...

You forgot Scurvy Dog.

-Scurvy Dog

southernoracle said...

I am very disappointed that you forgot "SURRENDER THE BOOTY!" in your pickup lines. :-(

March Hare said...

Just what I've been looking for! Me Pirate Name? Check here: