Saturday, December 12, 2009

Survival Tips - Streetside Dumbassery in Vancouver

(Tips based on Vancouver events, but are applicable in almost any city.)

Here's the scenario:
Cold and Irritated Ogre is navigating crowded sidewalk.
Dumb snowboard punk gets knocked on his ass.

DSP: "Hey man, watdafukswrongwitchoo?"
 Ogre ignores comment.
Punk regains his feet.

DSP:"I'm talkin' to YOU, motherfucker!!"
Ogre turns, approaches.

DSP: "Hey man. You knocked me down. How about an apology?"
(What the fuck? Is this asshat mistaking me of Obama? An apology? Cracker, please!)
Ogre continues to close on Punk, Punk gets wise, starts backing up. Does not watch his feet.
Bystander are stopping to watch...
Punk trips on uneven sidewalk slab, goes down again.
Ogre looks at punk on ground...

CIO: "I'm sorry you weren't paying attention and ran into me."
DSP: " knocked me down!"
Ogre offers Punk a hand up, yanks Punk to his feet.

CIO: "You're lucky I only knocked you down. I should have knocked your ass out. Pay attention to where you're walking, Asshat."

DSP gapes like a carp on dry land.
Ogre turns and lumbers away, does not look back.


Herein lies the lesson:
(Take notes, there will be a test later.)
1. If you and your friends ( homies/shredder pals/skater boys/vatos/whathaveyou) are walking down a relatively narrow sidewalk, it is generally considered good manners NOT to walk four abreast.

2. If, as you walk, you are devoting more attention to you cell phone, iPod, iPhone, crackberry or dingleberry than to your passage and oncoming pedestrians, you are Asking For Trouble.

3. If you aren't paying attention to stuff going on in front of you (I.e. oncoming cold and irritable Ogre with a 40lb Maxpedition bag and poor impulse control) do not be surprised when you get hip-checked and wind up on your ass in front of your homeboyz/girlfriend/restaurant full of giggling Japanese schoolgirls.

(Yours Truly will step aside for elderly couples, little old ladies, nuns, harried moms with kids and anyone who makes appropriate eye-contact and an effort to Share the Slab.
Overly-entitled assholes, distracted asshats, self-important bizdweebs, and any princess-with-attitude get no pass from me and I will adjust my stride so you feel like you are running into a brick wall. But I am digressing from the lesson at hand...)

4. If you should run afoul of the dreaded sidewalk Ogre and end up on your ass, mark it up as a learning opportunity. Take an F for your grade, get up, dust yourself off and try to pay more attention next time.

5. If, however, part of the earlier evening's activities involved copious amounts of alcohol, recreational drugs, tobacco alternatives, or agricultural pharmacology, it would behoove you to remember that in your chemically altered state, although such substances will imbue you with enhanced courage, they will NOT grant enhanced defensive or offensive abilities.
Scrabbling back to your feet and removing your earbuds and confronting the Ogre is what we call in the vernacular A Bad Idea.
(See point 4 for appropriate actions.)

6. If you attempt to bandy words with the Ogre and he ignores you, take the hint.
After a hearty "Hey man, watdafukswrongwitchoo?" doesn't get a reply, you have done your part to regain your honor and social standing with your boys/girls/snickering bystanders.
Let It Drop.
Do Not Escalate The Encounter.
(Really. Socialized medicine might be good, but it ain't fast. A trip to the ER will ruin your evening)

7. When "Hey man, watdafukswrongwitchoo?" gets no reaction, the follow-up of "I'm talkin' to YOU, motherfucker!!" at a higher volume and tone will have two results:
Part A- The Ogre will turn and confront you.
(Really, is this what you want? Be sure, because you just lit the fuse, and it's burning fast. You are delaying me from getting to my destination- which involves getting out of the cold and into a large glass of rum. Any delay in reaching my objective is going to mean either physical punishment or utter humiliation. Dealers choice.)
And Part B-
That pitter patter of feet receding down the sidewalk is the sound of your Peeps hanging your ass out to dry.
If you listen reeeeeal close you can hear them laughing... Your posse, who you thought had your back, are hauling ass and will rein up a block away and watch from afar because collateral damage is not selective, and most skate punks won't take a punch to avenge a fallen comrade.

When the Ogre returns to the scene of the crime and towers over you, a quick apology and a mea culpa will probably defuse the situation.
What you don't do is listen to the alcohol/chemical/testosterone in your system...
Don't do something stupid like ask for an apology...
An apology.
Weeping Jeebus, this asshat wants an apology.
What the Fuck is this world coming to?



Annie in SC said...

Why do I get the feeling that when the CIO gave the Punk a "hand up" it wasn't gentle and was intended to give said Punk a "preview" of what he could expect if he kept being stupid?

The Mighty Skunk said...

Much worse ON the mountain, where both colliding parties carry much more kinetic energy.

That's why I ski at Deer Valley, where snowboarders are BANNED.

The Big Guy said...

The "hand" pressure was not unreasonable... The yank was pronounced...
He didn't actually leave the ground, but came damn close.

There is a certain asshat genetic tag that goes along with the snowboard DNA...
They are all either ARE assholes, or can transition to asshole status in mere moments...
It might have something to do with wearing that stupid knit hat 24/7/365, regardless of weather or temperature.

Joanna said...

"I have kicked wholesale ass for less than that." Or words to that effect.

My dad likes to hold his cane in front of him when he walks. People treat it like it's radioactive, so he gets a clear path wherever he goes. We call it "Moses parting the Red Sea." The upside is that if someone *does* knock him down, they're automatically the bad guy to the crowd for running over a cripple. Heh heh heh.