Horror scope - Wed Oct 17

Someone else's horoscope:

Aries ~ The Ram

Well Aries - the Moon is in the Seventh House and Jupiter aligns with Mars in no uncertain terms this coming week.
You know your office mate that stole the pencil sharpener last Thursday? The one with the cheeky smile? Well consider yourself in like Flynn!
Yep, before the week is out you two are going to be under the covers and going at it like rabbits. To cap off the week, when you eventually turn on your phone after three days of hot sex, you will discover that you have inherited nearly a hundred million dollars from a fond uncle.
You will also receive an erroneously calculated gas bill and find termites in the east corner of your house. Your lucky number is 17 - why not buy a lottery ticket - you’ve siphoned all the luck out of some other poor bastard’s universe, may as well go for broke!


My Horror Scope:

Gemini ~ The Twins

On Monday you will be crushed to death by an unsecured piano falling out the back of a furniture truck.
-----

Monday... Let's see...
I'll be in Hong Kong.
Completely reasonable that this will happen.

Great.

TBG, putting my affairs in order.

They call it "terminal" for a reason.

Pop quiz: How many laws did I break when I took this picture.

Funny side note: The Chinese businessman in front of me has "Yankee Doodle" for a ringtone.

Off to Macau

I have yet, in 9 trips to Shanghai, been able to board an outbound flight through a normal jetway.
It's always a bus to a plane parked out in the boonies.

Fun on the Menu

No... I didn't try it.

It just keeps happening.

The night continues.

Two DANCERS from the Orlando Magic joined us...


Over the course of conversation and several Guinness', James S of Sarchasmic Hallucidations stepped in it too.
First the age question comes up, then he calls them cheerleaders.
For the Dumbass Trifecta he needs to ask how much they weigh. Or if they are natural blondes....
Lord, I am surrounded by idjits.

TBG, just an old guy trying to get into heaven.

What were you thinking?

So, Joel M has arrived here in Shanghai. He's one of the stats guys from Orlando...here to do the stats for the Orlando-Cleveland game.
He almost didn't make it though...
First, he called the Flight Attendant on his flight "stewardess".
After that, he asked her how old she was.
He was telling this as we were drinking at Big Bamboo.
"Dude... Why didn't you go for the Dumbass Trifecta and tell her she has a fat ass?"

TBG, amazed.

Photo-pourri

Photopourri

Just some misc pics from recent travels, and a bit o' news about current events.


My favorite bars in NYC...
(Fortunately they are right across the street from one another.)

Under the Volcano
(From Malcolm Lowry's Book of the same name)

A tequila and rum bar on 36th st.

And the Ginger Man...


Photo Op

We got a chance to see Lord Stanley's Cup during the game...

London Crew

The guys from the Anaheim Ducks and the LA Kings
who did stats for the games along with the volunteers who helped out.


Yours Truly and Sean W, gettin' tight with Stanley.

The Venue

The O2 Arena down in the Docklands of London.

It's a pretty cool arena. Good back-of-house space.
Right on the Jubilee Line...and conveniently located on the
Prime Meridian.

HITS Setup

Stats Crew Positions a bit of an oblique view, but good none the less.

A dinner of note...
A hamburger joint inside the O2 is called Johnny Monaco's.
(Not the band/singer "Johnny Manaco")
Dinner is a bit pricy- a Burger and fries and a drink is around 22 pounds.
That's $44.00. Ouch.
The really bad news? That's about average.
Very expensive eats in Merrie olde London.

Love Sauce



I've got your love sauce *right here*.

Injuries

Steve G., our man from Daktronics took one for the team while in London.
Seems he was trying to walk through one wall of his room while heading for the WC and ran into a mirror. It dropped off the hook on the wall and landed on his foot.
Ouch.

He took care of business and went back to bed...
In the morning he got a look at the actual damage...


Someone call CSI...
Looks like (ominous music) MURDER.

If it feels bad as it looks...

...I don't know how he was walking on it.

It was an interesting trip... I did get to see one segment of the London subway system, and the O2 was pretty cool...
But otherwise, I need to start scheduling a couple days in-country on these trips so I get to see something other than the arena and the hotel.

I plan on doing that Real Soon Now... Much to the displeasure of others.
Heh.

TBG - Somewhere over China

Separated at Birth Redux

Skippy the Toothfish and Magnolia May, the spotted appetite.

Scary... By the way- that character on the left is the darling of the restaurant business, the Patagonian Toothfish, better known as the Chilean Sea Bass.

TBG out-

Software Developer Humor

Close all windows and reboot. Heh.

TBG out-

Are You Ready?

From the pages of WWW.READY.GOV, the Department of Homeland Security.

The DHS wants YOU to BE READY….


In case of nuclear blast…

…You might want to pull over.

To summon large crowds…

…to help you, ditch normal clothing and use 3-ply silk to impersonate Michael Jackson.

During building evacuation:

…Bitchslap anyone who comes between you and the exit.

If your building is falling down…

…hide under your desk and kiss your ass goodbye.

Austin Texas…

Be sure to wear your SPF 5000 and lead BVDs if visiting Pres. Bush at his ranch.

If radiation mutates you…

…into a three story tall freak, enter buildings only through oversized doors.


For Graffiti Artistes-

Taggers:

First, think long and hard your artwork, hopefully it will be up for a while...


Kick back, throw on some beats, chill on the computer or watch a vid...



After tagging the wall, calmly but swiftly leave the scene; If you are spotted, ditch your paint and get the hell out of there...


Now, call one of your fly honeys for that emergency late night booty call...


Wash the paint off your hands and then call your friends to brag about how dope you are...


Other Precautions:


In a terrorist attack, Godzilla may be awakened from his slumber to reduce all humanity to ashes. This is normal.



Your weak ass won't be breaking down that door. Better get some help, dumbass.


Bridges are for the weak. Your lazy ass needs to swim.


Quit using elevators, Lardbottom, and get your big ass some exercise.


Da house
Da house
Da house is on fire!
We don't need no water...
(you know the rest.)


You may feel the urge to loot.
This is normal.


If rap music comes on the radio, please act appropriately.
Or…
Don’t worry- Get out and party!


If urge to loot is too powerful, remember the market value for second hand notebooks is far greater than that of old phones.


Make sure to separate your high-powered explosives and plutonium.


Stand up and fight back against those file cabinets, you cube-dwelling bitch.

Government Guide to Internet Shorthand:

R.O.F.L


Food & Eating


McDonalds exposure can be identified by how you curl up on the sidewalk.


Prolonged exposure to kitchen odors in Taco Bell might cause nausea.
This is normal.


The morning after a 4-burrito bender at Taco Bell, your fellow employees will need to know the quickest escape routes and safe distances from the toilet (Ground Zero)


In the event of Taco Bell exposure, do not use my bathroom.

Ok... Let's all get ready.

TBG out-

Space filler - 9 Words

I'm busy traveling and trying to tie up loose ends...
I'm trying to put together a post about London, the NHL's Premiere games in the O2 Arena last weekend. Keep an eye peeled for it...

Meanwhile, just to keep you entertained whilst I work on that bit of foolscap...

From Suzy A,
Who is always e-mailing fun stuff to me...

9 WORDS WOMEN USE

1. Fine : This is the word women use to end an argument when they are right and you need to shut up.

2. Five Minutes : If she is getting dressed, this means a half an hour. Five minutes is only five minutes if you have just been given five more minutes to watch the game before helping around the house.

3. Nothing : This is the calm before the storm. This means something, and you should be on your toes. Arguments that begin with nothing usually end in fine (see #1).

4. Go Ahead : This is a dare, not permission. Don't Do It! See also - This Post

5. Loud Sigh : This is actually a
word, but is a non-verbal statement often misunderstood by men. A loud sigh means she thinks you are an idiot and wonders why she is wasting her time standing here and arguing with you about nothing. (Refer back to #3 for the meaning of nothing.)

6. That's Okay : This is one of the most dangerous statements a women can make to a man. "That's okay" means she wants to think long and hard before deciding how and when you will pay for your mistake.

7. Thanks : A woman is thanking you, do not question, or Faint. Just say you're welcome.

8. Whatever : Is a women's way of saying F@!K YOU!

9. Don't worry about it, I got it : Another dangerous statement, meaning this is
something that a woman has told a man to do several times, but is now doing it herself. This will later result in a man asking "What's wrong?" For the woman's response refer to #3.

Note that these are all danger signs...
If you hear any of them you are already on thin ice, whether you know it or not.
Ignorance of your crimes is no excuse to the female of the species...
As a matter of fact, it just further reinforces the fact that you are a clueless male, unworthy of her respect or her charms.
Watch your ass if you find yourself in a conversation, discussion, debate or argument and you hear any of them.

TBG- trying to help you out-

Shoes...

Hey Fashionista Lite!

I found your next pair of shoes.


They look perfect for walking the moat.

TBG

Asshole

...I have received some requests, to wit: Tell me of this game, Asshole.
Hmmm..> Maybe it was "Tell me of this game- "Asshole".

Maybe it was phrased "Hey Asshole, tell me about the game."
Hell, I can never remember...

But- the game, Asshole....
It is a colorful and fun game. Everyone should play.
(Just don't do it with DanO and his minions. That way lies madness.)
I'm sure if I miss any details I will be corrected...

This, then, is "Asshole".

NUMBER OF PLAYERS: 4-8
SUPPLIES NEEDED: Full deck of cards, maybe 2 depending on amount of players.
POISON: Beer

DESCRIPTION / RULES:
Asshole is a game best played with a large group of people.
A very annoying game to explain, but very easy to play once you learn it.

For the first hand, deal out the entire deck to the table.
Next, most people sort their cards in numerical order, but
with pairs being higher than single cards.

(3, 5, 7, 9, A, 66, 888)

Now, the person with the 3 of clubs plays the first card.

Here are the rules for normal play:

- You must play a card that is equal to or higher than the previous card. A pair of cards are worth more
than a single card.

- If the same card is played, the next person is skipped and must drink. Playing a pair on top of a pair is a double-skip (2 people lose their turn)

- If a card goes all the way around the table without being beaten or cleared, it is then cleared automatically to the person who played it.

- Card exception #1: Playing a 2 "clears" the count. The asshole must take them away. In addition, the person who played the 2 gets to lay down a card after the pile is cleared (typically a low card).

- Card exception #2: Playing a 4 is a pass card. It as if nothing was played at all, but everyone takes a social drink.




Hierarchy:

The first person to run out of cards is the President. The last person is the Asshole.
With larger groups (6 or more), you may want to play with a Vice President and Vice-Asshole.

The next round:

First, the asshole from the previous round must deal out all the cards in counter-clockwise fashion. At this point, the asshole may make -anyone- drink that he pleases.

Beginning the next game, the President gets to exchange his 2 worst cards with the Asshole's 2 best cards (usually 2's or 4's). The same rule applies to the VP/VA, except with 1 card only.

In addition, the president gets to play the first card of the next round, followed by players in the order that they ran out of cards the previous round.

You may make anyone "below" you drink at anytime. (The president can never be made to drink, and the asshole isn't allowed to make anyone drink).

BONUS: If anyone manages to remain president for 3 rounds in a row, they get to establish a rule. Here are some of our favorites:

- Anyone who says "drink", "drank, or "drunk" must drink
- Anyone who says "I", "me", or "you" must drink (this one is brutal)
- Little Man Rule - you must take an imaginary "little man" off of your beer before drinking
- Left-Hand Rule - you may only drink with your left hand
- Paper-Rock-Scissors Rule - the president may make anyone paper-rock-scissors at any point. The loser drinks.
- Insult Rule - a personal favorite. Any time a heart is played, you must insult one of your neighbors (left or right only)
- (add your own, there are TONS of em out there)

TBG out- Drinking.

Party Time

Dan and Anita had a housewarming a couple weeks ago.
A good time was had by all...




Some people had a better time than others. Not mentioning any names here...

Want some fruit salad with that?

Some of the guests knew not to combine beer and mixed drinks at the party...

Party girl and her Lite Beer...

And of course, drinking with Dan & his Minions wouldn't be the same without a rousing game of Asshole.







For the record...

I did not fall over in my chair.
I did not walk through the domicile in my underwear.
I did not swim in the ocean or the pool at 2 AM.
I did not throw up on anyone or anything.
I did not drive, hell I didn't even putt.
And...
I did not have anyone's cell phone in my pocket while being thrown in the pool.

I did however, help clean up the next morning...

Hey...

Who the hell brought Zima to the party?
(I thought JR was going to be out of town?...)

After picking up all the half-empty (yeah- I'm a pessimist) glasses, I emptied them into a bucket... The ensuing party gravy was pretty nasty.

We put it in bottles... They're serving it at the next Asshole session.

I will NOT be there. (I hope.)

TBG (drying) out-