This is not really a good thing...
That's how it always starts...
"Oooh. Wings. Ah... Hooters girls."
Later there is the running and the screaming.
And police.
Can you say "restraining order"?
TBG out-
Tuesday, February 27, 2007
Raleigh-Durham NC
This is not really a good thing...
That's how it always starts...
"Oooh. Wings. Ah... Hooters girls."
Later there is the running and the screaming.
And police.
Can you say "restraining order"?
TBG out-
Nashville
Nothing happened in Nashville.
Absolutely nothing.
I don't care what you read in the paper or saw on TV...
Nothing. Happened.
End of story.
TBG out-
Absolutely nothing.
I don't care what you read in the paper or saw on TV...
Nothing. Happened.
End of story.
TBG out-
Saturday, February 24, 2007
Anaheim
The NHL Adventure continues...
I've been in Anaheim for the last couple days...
(Home of the Ducks?... Well. I guess the name is appropriate...
They play at Arrowhead Pond. Heh.)
Installed hardware, tested cables, yadda, yadda, yadda...
The high point?
Dinner at King's Fish House.
On Katella near the arena...
I sat at the bar and enjoyed a half dozen Cortes Island Oysters...
Farm-cultured tray-raised oysters from the waters of British Columbia...
Medium sized, slightly salty...great Ostridae...
They were so good I also had a half dozen of another variety...
These are Canadian Cup oysters from Prince Edward Island.
Small, not as salty but very tasty...
The other great part of this meal is the presentation...
The oysters are on a tray of crushed ice, and 2 empty shells hold a dollop of cocktail sauce and a small serving of freshly-grated horseradish.
Very nice.
A dab of sauce, a few strands of horse... Mmmmm.
Onward- to Nashville...
TBG out-
I've been in Anaheim for the last couple days...
(Home of the Ducks?... Well. I guess the name is appropriate...
They play at Arrowhead Pond. Heh.)
Installed hardware, tested cables, yadda, yadda, yadda...
The high point?
Dinner at King's Fish House.
On Katella near the arena...
I sat at the bar and enjoyed a half dozen Cortes Island Oysters...
Farm-cultured tray-raised oysters from the waters of British Columbia...
Medium sized, slightly salty...great Ostridae...
They were so good I also had a half dozen of another variety...
These are Canadian Cup oysters from Prince Edward Island.
Small, not as salty but very tasty...
The other great part of this meal is the presentation...
The oysters are on a tray of crushed ice, and 2 empty shells hold a dollop of cocktail sauce and a small serving of freshly-grated horseradish.
Very nice.
A dab of sauce, a few strands of horse... Mmmmm.
Onward- to Nashville...
TBG out-
Constant Readers getting testy...
"Come on! You haven't posted anything on your blog for 15 days, 7 hours and 10 minutes!!!"
- Luc from Montreal
Wow. Has it been that long?
Let's see... The 12th...NBA All Star in Vegas...multiply by clock issues, carry the nothin'... square the result... Damn. It has been a long time.
Ok... A recap.
All Star in Vegas.
A week-long bite-in-the-ass of problems, second-guessing, redundancy, and hours of testing and re-testing. A couple miles of cable and several fed-ex packages, and one long trip to a local laundromat... Sound fun? You bet.
Some sights from All Star 2007.
The Latin Twins,
Rios and Munoz...
Their mother still coordinates their outfits, even at events.
Brian Kabus
Napping duriing the pregame show...
Drew-
The tricycle man.
Teresa- Purveyor of cookies and radios.
The Bearcom Girl.
Jeff Pozz
(The New Guy)
Part 1
and Part 2.
The culprits?
Bill Lee from the Help Desk...
You know, Big Guy, you're going to walk funny after I shove that camera up your...nose."
In game mode...
Everyone "enjoying" the game...
So after it was all said and done getting home was a joy for some people...
If you were flying Southwest out of McCarran, you were in for a shock...
The check-in line was (really) a mile long.
It snaked around inside the terminal several times, then out the door and down the sidewalk, then down the road to another terminal. Literally, a full mile.
And it wasn't only on Monday... It was the same way Tuesday...
Lots of angry people...lots of missed flights.
Final Thoughts?
What goes on in Vegas... (i.e. Cash Withrdrawl from ATM)
Stays in Vegas. (Usually at the craps table.)
TBG, Out- (Out of cash, that is.)
- Luc from Montreal
Wow. Has it been that long?
Let's see... The 12th...NBA All Star in Vegas...multiply by clock issues, carry the nothin'... square the result... Damn. It has been a long time.
Ok... A recap.
All Star in Vegas.
A week-long bite-in-the-ass of problems, second-guessing, redundancy, and hours of testing and re-testing. A couple miles of cable and several fed-ex packages, and one long trip to a local laundromat... Sound fun? You bet.
Some sights from All Star 2007.
The Latin Twins,
Rios and Munoz...
Their mother still coordinates their outfits, even at events.
Brian Kabus
Napping duriing the pregame show...
Drew-
The tricycle man.
Teresa- Purveyor of cookies and radios.
The Bearcom Girl.
Jeff Pozz
(The New Guy)
Part 1
and Part 2.
The culprits?
Bill Lee from the Help Desk...
You know, Big Guy, you're going to walk funny after I shove that camera up your...nose."
In game mode...
Everyone "enjoying" the game...
So after it was all said and done getting home was a joy for some people...
If you were flying Southwest out of McCarran, you were in for a shock...
The check-in line was (really) a mile long.
It snaked around inside the terminal several times, then out the door and down the sidewalk, then down the road to another terminal. Literally, a full mile.
And it wasn't only on Monday... It was the same way Tuesday...
Lots of angry people...lots of missed flights.
Final Thoughts?
What goes on in Vegas... (i.e. Cash Withrdrawl from ATM)
Stays in Vegas. (Usually at the craps table.)
TBG, Out- (Out of cash, that is.)
Tuesday, February 13, 2007
Thar she blows!
Do you remember the old spoiler on the back of the Porsche Targa?
They called it a "whale tail"...
I'm noticing a trend here in Las Vegas...
The girls are wearing underwear as semi-underwear, or in some cases, outerwear...
Very much resembling the same Cetaecan characteristic.
Not that I'm complaining, mind you, but I doubt that any woman wants to be referred to as a Whaletail...
(The worst ass-kicking I ever got from a girl was when I referred to her as "Crawfish"- you know... All the meat is in the tail. I don't remember much after that... I do, remember, however, that the doctor was gentle as he removed the size-six high heel shoe from my colon. But I digress.)
So... Whaletails...
The graceful lines...
The subtle power in the design...
The delicate detailing...
Symmetry...
the sophisticated coloring...
Ods Bodkins! An entire pod!
Amazing, out-
They called it a "whale tail"...
I'm noticing a trend here in Las Vegas...
The girls are wearing underwear as semi-underwear, or in some cases, outerwear...
Very much resembling the same Cetaecan characteristic.
Not that I'm complaining, mind you, but I doubt that any woman wants to be referred to as a Whaletail...
(The worst ass-kicking I ever got from a girl was when I referred to her as "Crawfish"- you know... All the meat is in the tail. I don't remember much after that... I do, remember, however, that the doctor was gentle as he removed the size-six high heel shoe from my colon. But I digress.)
So... Whaletails...
The graceful lines...
The subtle power in the design...
The delicate detailing...
Symmetry...
the sophisticated coloring...
Ods Bodkins! An entire pod!
Amazing, out-
Sunday, February 11, 2007
Bar Rules
Getting ready to visit several cities, no doubt I will have many entertaining run-ins with the TSA, flight attendants, beertenders and surly waitstaff at marginal places that serve food.
(Note that I didn't say "Restaurants". Not all places that serve food qualify as restaurants.)
From the recent post "Drink Drank Drunk" I got several comments, all basically saying "That was pretty funny. I laughed my ass off."
Someone also sent me "The Bar Rules"...
Some of them are common sense, and others are pretty good rules to drink by...
I've made some notes on the list...
So...
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
(YT: Strange=Someone you don't know; I don't care how hot she is... Don't buy the blue-skinned eyepatch-wearing woman with the Capuchin monkey on her shoulder a drink. It can only lead to trouble.)
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
(YT: If you do, don't complain when it is made poorly.)
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile. NEVER yell "Hey you", or pound on the bar, they take great offense to this.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: "Great, now I'm going to get drunk.", "I hate shots." or "It's coming back up."
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he/she made your drink too strong.
13. If he/she makes it too weak, order a double next time.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing— urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a D.J., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
(YT:Want to learn? Ask me in a bar sometime. NB:Sombrero Night would NOT be a good time to ask.)
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink, and if you get one, tip accordingly or don't expect one again.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse through all the drinks you've never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same," then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, and then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. Its okay to drink alone.
(YT: Sometimes it's mandatory. Like when you're driving, for instance.)
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".
47. Nothing screams 'Nancyboy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.
(YT: Funny, it has for me...)
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is "spotting you", you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is "making a sport of you", you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of their response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."
67. Never ask a bartender "what's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your damn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . ."
78. When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.
79. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.
82. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. 20% is the standard percentage to tip, so figure it out.
87. If the lights suddenly get really bright and the music turns off, that probably means you should head for the door.
88. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
Famous, out...drinking.
(Note that I didn't say "Restaurants". Not all places that serve food qualify as restaurants.)
From the recent post "Drink Drank Drunk" I got several comments, all basically saying "That was pretty funny. I laughed my ass off."
Someone also sent me "The Bar Rules"...
Some of them are common sense, and others are pretty good rules to drink by...
I've made some notes on the list...
So...
1. If you owe someone money, always pay them back in a bar. Preferably during happy hour.
2. Always toast before doing a shot.
3. Whoever buys the shot gets the first chance to offer a toast.
4. Change your toast at least once a month.
5. Buying someone a drink is five times better than a handshake.
6. Buying a strange woman a drink is still cool. Buying all her drinks is dumb.
(YT: Strange=Someone you don't know; I don't care how hot she is... Don't buy the blue-skinned eyepatch-wearing woman with the Capuchin monkey on her shoulder a drink. It can only lead to trouble.)
7. Never borrow more than one cigarette from the same person in one night.
8. When the bartender is slammed, resist the powerful urge to order a slightly-dirty, very-dry, in-and-out, super-chilled half-and-half martini with a lemon twist. Limit orders to beer, straight shots and two-part cocktails.
(YT: If you do, don't complain when it is made poorly.)
9. Get the bartender's attention with eye contact and a smile. NEVER yell "Hey you", or pound on the bar, they take great offense to this.
10. Do not make eye contact with the bartender if you do not want a drink.
11. Unacceptable things to say after doing a shot: "Great, now I'm going to get drunk.", "I hate shots." or "It's coming back up."
12. Never, ever tell a bartender he/she made your drink too strong.
13. If he/she makes it too weak, order a double next time.
14. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she refuses, she does not like you.
15. If you offer to buy a woman a drink and she accepts, she still might not like you.
16. If she buys you a drink, she likes you.
17. If someone offers to buy you a drink, do not upgrade your liquor preference.
18. Always have a corkscrew in your house.
19. If you don't have a corkscrew, push the cork down into the bottle with a pen.
20. Drink one girly drink in public and you will forever be known as the guy who drinks girly drinks.
21. Our parents were better drinkers than we are.
22. Never talk to someone in the restroom unless you're doing the same thing— urinating, waiting in line or washing your hands.
23. Girls hang out, apply make-up, and have long talks in the bathroom. Men do not.
24. After your sixth drink, do not look at yourself in the mirror. It will shake your confidence.
25. It is only permissible to shout 'woo-hoo!' if you are doing a shot with four or more people.
26. If there is a D.J., you can request a song only once per night. If he doesn't play it within half an hour, do not approach him again. If he does play it, do not approach him again.
27. Learn how to make a rose out of a bar napkin. You'll be surprised how well it works.
(YT:Want to learn? Ask me in a bar sometime. NB:Sombrero Night would NOT be a good time to ask.)
28. If you can't afford to tip, you can't afford to drink in a bar. Go to the liquor store.
29. If you owe someone twenty dollars or less, you may pay them back in beer.
30. Never complain about the quality or brand of a free drink, and if you get one, tip accordingly or don't expect one again.
31. If you have been roommates with someone more than six months, you may drink all their beer, even if it's hidden, as long as you leave them one.
32. You can have a shot of their hard liquor only if the cap has been cracked and the bottle goes for less than $25.
33. The only thing that tastes better than free liquor is stolen liquor.
34. If you bring Old Milwaukee to a party, you must drink at least two cans before you start drinking the imported beer in the fridge.
35. Learn to appreciate hangovers. If it was all good times every jackass would be doing it.
36. If you ever feel depressed, get out a bartender's guide and browse through all the drinks you've never tried.
37. Try one new drink each week.
38. If you are the bar's sole customer, you are obliged to make small talk with the bartender until he stops acknowledging you. Then you're off the hook. The same goes for him.
39. Never tip with coins that have touched you. If your change is $1.50, you can tell the barmaid to keep the change, but once she has handed it to you, you cannot give it back. To a bartender or cocktail waitress, small change has no value.
40. If you have ever told a bartender, "Hey, it all spends the same," then you are a cheap ass.
41. Anyone on stage or behind a bar is fifty percent better looking.
42. You can tell how hard a drinker someone is by how close they keep their drink to their mouth.
43. A bar is a college, not a nursery. If you spill a beer, clean it up. If you break a glass, wait for a staff member to clean it up, and then blame it on someone else.
44. Being drunk is feeling sophisticated without being able to say it.
45. Its okay to drink alone.
(YT: Sometimes it's mandatory. Like when you're driving, for instance.)
46. After three drinks, you will forget a woman's name two seconds after she tells you. The rest of the night you will call her "baby" or "darling".
47. Nothing screams 'Nancyboy' louder than swirling an oversized brandy snifter.
48. Men don't drink from straws. Unless you're doing a Mind or Face Eraser.
49. If you do a shot, finish it. If you don't plan to finish it, don't accept it.
50. Never brood in a dance bar. Never dance in a dive bar.
51. Never play more than three songs by the same artist in a row.
52. Your songs will come on as you're leaving the bar.
53. Never yell out jukebox selections to someone you don't know.
54. Never lie in a bar. You may, however, grossly exaggerate and lean.
55. If you think you might be slurring a little, then you are slurring a lot. If you think you are slurring a lot, then you are not speaking English.
56. Screaming, "Someone buy me a drink!" has never worked.
(YT: Funny, it has for me...)
57. For every drink, there is a five percent better chance you will get in a fight. There is also a three percent better chance you will lose the fight.
58. Fighting an extremely drunk person when you are sober is hilarious.
59. If you are broke and a friend is "spotting you", you must laugh at all his jokes and play wingman when he makes his move.
60. If you are broke and a friend is "making a sport of you", you may steal any drink he leaves unattended.
61. Never rest your head on a table or bar top. It is the equivalent of voluntarily putting your head on a chopping block.
62. If you are trading rounds with a friend and he asks if you're ready for another, always say yes. Once you fall out of sync you will end up buying more drinks than him.
63. If you're going to hit on a member of the bar staff, make sure you tip well before and after, regardless of their response.
64. The people with the most money are rarely the best tippers.
65. Before you die, single-handedly make one decent martini.
66. Asking a bartender what beers are on tap when the handles are right in front of you is the equivalent of saying, "I'm an idiot."
67. Never ask a bartender "what's good tonight?" They do not fly in the scotch fresh from the coast every morning.
68. If there is a line for drinks, get your damn drink and step the hell away from the bar.
69. If there is ever any confusion, the fuller beer is yours.
70. The patrons at your local bar are your extended family, your fathers and mothers, your brothers and sisters. Except you get to sleep with these sisters. And if you're really drunk, the mothers.
71. It's acceptable, traditional in fact, to disappear during a night of hard drinking. You will appear mysterious and your friends will understand. If they even notice.
72. Never argue your tab at the end of the night. Remember, you're hammered and they're sober. It's akin to a precocious five-year-old arguing the super-string theory with a physicist. 99.9% of the time you're wrong and either way you're going to come off as a jackass.
73. If you bring booze to a party, you must drink it or leave it.
74. If you hesitate more than three seconds after the bartender looks at you, you do not deserve a drink.
75. Beer makes you mellow, champagne makes you silly, wine makes you dramatic, tequila makes you felonious.
76. The greatest thing a drunkard can do is buy a round of drinks for a packed bar.
77. Never preface a conversation with a bartender with "I know this is going to be a hassle, but . . ."
78. When you're in a bar and drunk, your boss is just another guy begging for a fat lip. Unless he's buying.
79. If you are 86'd, do not return for at least three months. To come back sooner makes it appear no other bar wants you.
80. Anyone with three or more drinks in his hands has the right of way.
81. If you're going to drink on the job, drink vodka. It's the no-tell liquor.
82. There's nothing wrong with drinking before noon. Especially if you're supposed to be at work.
83. The bar clock moves twice as fast from midnight to last call.
84. A flask engraved with a personal message is one of the best gifts you can ever give. And make sure there's something in it.
85. On the intimacy scale, sharing a quiet drink is between a handshake and a kiss.
86. 20% is the standard percentage to tip, so figure it out.
87. If the lights suddenly get really bright and the music turns off, that probably means you should head for the door.
88. You will forget every one of these rules by your fifth drink.
Famous, out...drinking.
Saturday, February 03, 2007
Not a sign that will get you on TV
P2 and L3 both sent me this little jewel… Thanks y'all.
I think they wanted me to comment on the grammatical issues inherent in the young lady’s sign...
It should either read
"Put it in my five-hole, Sidney"
"Sidney, put it in my five-hole"
Hmmm…
Maybe it is correct… Perhaps she has a five hole named Sidney.
She needs some brushing up on her comma and hyphen usage.
(Lessons at Uncle Jay’s School O’ Grammar available for a nominal charge.)
Other slogans that her boyfriend wouldn't let her use:
"You can high stick me anytime"
"You're always welcome in my crease"
"Slap your vulcanized rubber disc into my netting, by which I mean 'do me!' you teenage Nova Scotian."
"Put your biscuit in my basket"
"Come on over to my place and I'll pull your goalie"
I think there is a joke about "Melon Arena" as well.
Unhappy ending to the whole sordid affair-
She got a 2 minute penalty for hooking.
For the Hockey challenged...
Famous, out-
Tuesday, January 30, 2007
Mosquito - Firefly parody
Ok... some people are taking this Firefly thing a little too far.
"Take him! He's the one with the tight pants!!"
Famous, out-
"Take him! He's the one with the tight pants!!"
Famous, out-
Sunday, January 28, 2007
Research Grants?
Did we really need to spend time and money to research these questions?
And... If so, where can I get some of these funds?
And... If so, where can I get some of these funds?
- A February 1976 article in Nature concluding, among other things, that there is often "scrotal asymmetry" in man and in ancient sculptures.
Yours Truly: So? - A November 1984 article in the Journal of Trauma concluding, among other things, that serious head injuries can occur as the result of falling coconuts.
YT: Duh. - An August 1988 article in the Annals of Emergency Medicine concluding, among other things, that there can be a "[T]ermination of intractable hiccups with digital rectal massage".
YT: Oh. My. Ghod. - A February 1990 article in the Journal of Periodontology concluding, among other things, that waxed dental floss is preferred to unwaxed dental floss by dental patients by a ratio of nearly two to one.
YT: 4 out of 5 dentists prefer that you floss, regardless of the floss' wax state. - A May-June 1990 article in the Journal of Emergency Medicine concluding, among other things, that "[a] zipper-entrapped penis is a painful predicament that can be made worse by overzealous intervention".
YT: Duh, redux.
- A June 1990 article in the British Journal of Dermatology concluding, among other things, that people who think they have foot odour usually do have foot odour and people who do not think they have food odour usually do not have foot odour.
YT: And if you tell some people they are gullible, they will believe you. - An April 1991 article in the International Journal of Neuroscience concluding, among other things, that "[c]ognitive performance ratios can be influenced by forcibly altering the breathing pattern".
YT: Translation=If you choke the shit out of someone, they won't be able to think. - A June 1991 article in the Annals of Emergency Medicine concluding, among other things, that electric shock treatment is not a successful treatment of rattle snake bites.
YT: It's not useful for treating gallstones, either. - An August 1993 article in Genitourinary Medicine concluding, among other things, that gonorrhea can be transmitted through an inflatable doll.
YT: Yeah, but are the penicillin shots fatal to the doll? - An August 1993 article in Military Medicine concluding, among other things, that constipation occurs to U.S. military personnel at the following rates: 7.2 per cent while at home, 10.4 per cent while be transported to the field, and 30.2 per cent while in the field.
YT: Giving new depth to the term "Scared shitless". - A December 1993 article in the Scottish Medical Journal concluding, among other things: "[T]hree cases are presented of porcelain lavatory pans collapsing under body weight, producing wounds which required hospital treatment. Excessive age of the toilets was implicated as a causative factor. As many toilets get older episodes of collapse may become more common, resulting in further injuries."
YT: In 1993. In Scotland. Why does this not surprise me?
Thursday, January 25, 2007
Drink Drank Drunk
From AG- (I think she's trying to tell me something.)
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
5. Chimney
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. TacoBell? No, thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
Amazing, out-
THINGS THAT ARE DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK
1. Innovative
2. Preliminary
3. Proliferation
4. Cinnamon
5. Chimney
THINGS THAT ARE VERY DIFFICULT TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Specificity
2. Anti-constitutionalistically
3. Passive-aggressive disorder
4. Transubstantiate
THINGS THAT ARE DOWNRIGHT IMPOSSIBLE TO SAY WHEN DRUNK:
1. Thanks, but I don't want to have sex.
2. Nope, no more booze for me.
3. Sorry, but you're not really my type.
4. TacoBell? No, thanks, I'm not hungry.
5. Good evening, officer. Isn't it lovely out tonight?
6. Oh, I couldn't. No one wants to hear me sing karaoke.
7. I'm not interested in fighting you.
8. Thank you, but I won't make any attempt to dance, I have no coordination. I'd hate to look like a fool.
9. Where is the nearest toilet? I refuse to vomit in the street.
10. I must be going home now as I have work in the morning.
Amazing, out-
NHL All Star Game
It ended with a whimper, not a bang...
Suggestion:
Get a couple of teams from Russia or Finland or Sweden to come over and play as part of the All Star festivities- These guys should be able to get out there and really *play* and not worry about breaking a nail or messing up their makeup like the NHL players did.
Did anyone actually see two opposing players make contact during the game?
Oh well... It was still good to see the event getting some attention, even though the TV coverage has been relegated to Versus (ex-OLN).
There was a good amount of coverage in the Dallas newspaper. The Florida Times Union only carried a short AP wire story, 16 sentences by AP writer Stephen Hawkins.
I guess that's all the folks in North Florida rate since we don't have an NHL team, and there are no players in the league with ties to the area.
As for me- After several late-night libations with the boys and girls, I overslept after not setting my alarm and had to hold my last meeting in the airport instead of at breakfast.
To all the folks in the American Airlines Center in Dallas- Thanks, and I'll see you in a few weeks.
To Mark, Cathy, Kayla, Justin, Trecia, JR, DanO and Anita, it was a slice.
Thanks for your hospitality and the good times.
(Luc- you better make plans to be in Atlanta in 08, or when I get to Montreal you are in for a good ol' down-home Southern Ass-whippin'.)
Onward, through the fog.
Famous, out-
Suggestion:
Get a couple of teams from Russia or Finland or Sweden to come over and play as part of the All Star festivities- These guys should be able to get out there and really *play* and not worry about breaking a nail or messing up their makeup like the NHL players did.
Did anyone actually see two opposing players make contact during the game?
Oh well... It was still good to see the event getting some attention, even though the TV coverage has been relegated to Versus (ex-OLN).
There was a good amount of coverage in the Dallas newspaper. The Florida Times Union only carried a short AP wire story, 16 sentences by AP writer Stephen Hawkins.
I guess that's all the folks in North Florida rate since we don't have an NHL team, and there are no players in the league with ties to the area.
As for me- After several late-night libations with the boys and girls, I overslept after not setting my alarm and had to hold my last meeting in the airport instead of at breakfast.
To all the folks in the American Airlines Center in Dallas- Thanks, and I'll see you in a few weeks.
To Mark, Cathy, Kayla, Justin, Trecia, JR, DanO and Anita, it was a slice.
Thanks for your hospitality and the good times.
(Luc- you better make plans to be in Atlanta in 08, or when I get to Montreal you are in for a good ol' down-home Southern Ass-whippin'.)
Onward, through the fog.
Famous, out-
Wednesday, January 24, 2007
Gilley's
The NHL threw a great shindig at Gilley's in downtown Dallas on Tuesday night. Good food- chicken and beef fajitas, bbq brisket, onion rings... Tasty fare.
The Group: JR,Trecia, Yours Truly, Mark, Cathy, Dan & Anita
The place was packed to the eaves- EA Sports and Dodge had tricked the place out nicely- They had a big game room stocked with XBox360s and EA Sports Hockey games, the mechanical bull was working, and of course there was an open bar.
About 11:15 the feature act took the stage... Big and Rich played a dozen songs, joined by Cowboy Troy from Nashville Star for a couple tunes. It was pretty good stuff.
We sat in the back- Mark and Cathy, DanO and Anita, JR, Trecia, Anita's parents, and Yours Truly.
Dan "Cubes" Craig stopped by, as did a host of others.
Cubes & Anita
Lisa, Dan & Trecia
Another throwdown occurred- Trecia was trying to get JR to ride the mechanical bull... She'd ride it if he would. Unfortunately by the time the challenge was agreed to, they had already put the bull out to bed for the night... Oh well.
I'd have paid good money to see this.
The party lasted to almost 1:30 in the morning- we hopped on the shuttle bus back the Hyatt... No more late-night visits with the Dallas PD for me. I'm just an old guy trying to get into heaven, I don't need any more encounters with a Texas Taser.
The big game is tonite.
Woohoo!
Famous, recovering-
The Group: JR,Trecia, Yours Truly, Mark, Cathy, Dan & Anita
The place was packed to the eaves- EA Sports and Dodge had tricked the place out nicely- They had a big game room stocked with XBox360s and EA Sports Hockey games, the mechanical bull was working, and of course there was an open bar.
About 11:15 the feature act took the stage... Big and Rich played a dozen songs, joined by Cowboy Troy from Nashville Star for a couple tunes. It was pretty good stuff.
We sat in the back- Mark and Cathy, DanO and Anita, JR, Trecia, Anita's parents, and Yours Truly.
Dan "Cubes" Craig stopped by, as did a host of others.
Cubes & Anita
Lisa, Dan & Trecia
Another throwdown occurred- Trecia was trying to get JR to ride the mechanical bull... She'd ride it if he would. Unfortunately by the time the challenge was agreed to, they had already put the bull out to bed for the night... Oh well.
I'd have paid good money to see this.
The party lasted to almost 1:30 in the morning- we hopped on the shuttle bus back the Hyatt... No more late-night visits with the Dallas PD for me. I'm just an old guy trying to get into heaven, I don't need any more encounters with a Texas Taser.
The big game is tonite.
Woohoo!
Famous, recovering-
Math Help
-or-
The Blonde.
(This story deserved a separate post. For the record, Justin is Mark and Cathy's son. He is the young man in the pictures sitting next to Trecia in the previous post. He's 17. Sickening, isn't it?)
--------------------------------
As we played Asshole, around midnight the front door opened.
An oh-so-cute blonde teenaged girl breezed in, heading for the stairs.
Mark and Cathy were unsuprised. Trecia motioned at the upstairs-
"He's upstairs. I think he's in bed." she called as the blonde waltzed up the stairs.
"I know." said the blonde as she turned the corner and and disappeared upstairs.
JR and Dan sat at the table with their mouths open.
JR turned to Dan.
"Booty call?" he asked. Dan shrugged his shoulders.
"HellifIknow." We looked at the parents.
"Oh, that's Lauren. The blonde Lauren." Cathy said. "She's getting help with her math from Justin."
"'Getting help with her math.' That's what they're calling it these days, eh? I guess I'm not up to speed with these street terms." I said.
JR was still agog. His mouth was still open and he hadn't blinked his eyes yet.
"Dude. Blink. Your eyeballs are going to dry out." Dan nudged him.
Cathy's comment finally registered.
"The *blonde* one? You mean he has more than one Lauren that comes visiting him late at night when he's gone to bed? Wow." JR said.
I took another slug of rum. It was the only comment I felt capable of making.
A 15 minute discussion ensued- specualtion of what was going on upstairs, discussion of late-night visits from nubile females and other unsavory commentary.
About 20 minutes after she arrived she flitted back down the stairs and departed... Justin came down stairs and sat in on the game.
"You guys do know that we could hear every word you said with perfect clarity." he said matter-of-factly.
"Yeah? So? You're the one getting the midnight booty call. Sorry, 'Math Homework'." JR said.
Here we are, 3 days later. Every once in a while, JR's eyes glaze over as he replays the episode in his head. "Getting help with her math. Right." he mutters.
"Do you think that kid has any idea of how lucky he is?" he'll ask, rhetorically.
"Help with math." I'm going to have to look that up in the Urban Dictionary...
I need to brush up on current slang, just so I don't miss out on any subtle verbal cues when Hunter and her friends are chatting in the car.
And not to put too fine a point on it, Hunter better not need any math tutoring.
Famous, out.
The Blonde.
(This story deserved a separate post. For the record, Justin is Mark and Cathy's son. He is the young man in the pictures sitting next to Trecia in the previous post. He's 17. Sickening, isn't it?)
--------------------------------
As we played Asshole, around midnight the front door opened.
An oh-so-cute blonde teenaged girl breezed in, heading for the stairs.
Mark and Cathy were unsuprised. Trecia motioned at the upstairs-
"He's upstairs. I think he's in bed." she called as the blonde waltzed up the stairs.
"I know." said the blonde as she turned the corner and and disappeared upstairs.
JR and Dan sat at the table with their mouths open.
JR turned to Dan.
"Booty call?" he asked. Dan shrugged his shoulders.
"HellifIknow." We looked at the parents.
"Oh, that's Lauren. The blonde Lauren." Cathy said. "She's getting help with her math from Justin."
"'Getting help with her math.' That's what they're calling it these days, eh? I guess I'm not up to speed with these street terms." I said.
JR was still agog. His mouth was still open and he hadn't blinked his eyes yet.
"Dude. Blink. Your eyeballs are going to dry out." Dan nudged him.
Cathy's comment finally registered.
"The *blonde* one? You mean he has more than one Lauren that comes visiting him late at night when he's gone to bed? Wow." JR said.
I took another slug of rum. It was the only comment I felt capable of making.
A 15 minute discussion ensued- specualtion of what was going on upstairs, discussion of late-night visits from nubile females and other unsavory commentary.
About 20 minutes after she arrived she flitted back down the stairs and departed... Justin came down stairs and sat in on the game.
"You guys do know that we could hear every word you said with perfect clarity." he said matter-of-factly.
"Yeah? So? You're the one getting the midnight booty call. Sorry, 'Math Homework'." JR said.
Here we are, 3 days later. Every once in a while, JR's eyes glaze over as he replays the episode in his head. "Getting help with her math. Right." he mutters.
"Do you think that kid has any idea of how lucky he is?" he'll ask, rhetorically.
"Help with math." I'm going to have to look that up in the Urban Dictionary...
I need to brush up on current slang, just so I don't miss out on any subtle verbal cues when Hunter and her friends are chatting in the car.
And not to put too fine a point on it, Hunter better not need any math tutoring.
Famous, out.
Tuesday, January 23, 2007
Drinking Games
I flew into Dallas for the NHL All Star Game on Sunday night.
My Crackberry lit up on landing in DFW-
A message from DanO was waiting.
"Hey. We're at a party. Come on over." along with an easy-to-follow set of dircetions.
20 minutes later I was the home of some nice folks, having a big plate of barbecued brisket and watching football...
Our hosts, Mark and Cathy. Awesome people, cool dogs.
DanO and his (much) better half were there, Trecia & her current flame, our host and hostess, the kids, JR, and sundry other folks watched the Pats and the Colts game on the big screen.
(We missed you, Luc... You should have been here!)
Trecia and her boy-toy.
DanO and Anita
Trecia had a thing for Manning, so she was rooting for Indy, and JR is from Boston so he had a vested interest in the game and a wager was thrown down- If Indy won, JR would jump in the pool, and if the Pats pulled it out, Trecia would hit the drink.
Trecia checking the temp. Oooo, it's cold!
Keep in mind it has been %$@*%# freezing here in Dallas, and the pool in the backyard was a bit chilly. There weren't any chunks of ice floating around in the pool, but there could have been.
Needless to say, the Colts pulled it out...much to JR's dismay.
I have to give hime credit though...
He jumped right in, a cannonball even...didn't even give me time to get my lens cap off... He had a bit of a problem getting out, but he did go in, the poor bastard...
After JR's dip, we all sat down to a rousing game of "Asshole"...
A card-based drinking game- full of arcane rules and cryptic terminology.
The object is to get rid of all your cards- laying them down according to some whacked-out numeric order or previous play... If you didn't have a card in your hand that you could play on your turn, you had to drink.
After the first round, the first one to get rid of their cards was deemed the President, the second was Vice President, and so on, down the last poor fool who got the title of Asshole.
Justin and Trecia
Nota Bene: Should you play this game, one would be wise to make beer, or better a light beer, your beverage of choice. Listen to your Uncle Jay- drinking rum when all others are Lite Beer is the path to destruction.
Rookie mistake.
We drank and played cards... Once you attain President status you are permitted to pass laws. Some of the legislation this evening were edicts such as any time a red card was played, JR and DanO had to drink. Also, any time a even card was played it was a social drink. (In the case of a red even card, JR and Dan drank twice. Heh.)
Oh, there was some serious drinking...
JR, thawed out and getting ready to imbibe...
The party broke up around 1:30... DanO and his other half were in the lead vehicle, and I had JR in my car as we headed toward the hotel.
As usual, there was a little drama...
As we drove back down Dallas 121, JR warned me that we might need to pull over so he could get rid of some excess beer.
JR: "So... we might need to pull over. I'm not feeling so good."
YT: "Ok... Just let me know."
JR: "I'm letting you know. Now. Pull over."
I pulled the car over and we were still coming to a halt as JR bailed and started and emergency evacuation of his upper GI tract.
As he finished up, a car pulled over behind us...
Uh oh.
I knew we were in trouble when the spotlight flicked on and illuminated the back of the car.
The Dallas Police Department...
I bit the bullet and got out of the car, reaching for my wallet.
The cop asked me what was going on...
YT:"My buddy here did a little too much celebrating during the game."
Dallas Cop:"Oh? An Indy fan."
YT: "No, not at all. He's from Boston."
DC: "Ah, drowning his sorrows."
YT: "Something like that."
DC: "And you? You're ok?"
YT: "Right as rain. Designated driver."
DC: "OK... Y'all drive carefully."
YT: "Yessir."
I got back to the car and only stumbled once as I was getting in.
Dodged a bullet there...whew.
DanO and Anita had pulled over and were waiting for us down the road...
JR's phone rang.
"Yeah. Had to pull over...Yeah, a cop... No, no problem. The Big Guy went back and kissed his ass and the cop took off... Yeah... See ya."
Nice.
We made it back to the hotel without further incident...
Astute readers will notice that JR had the good taste NOT to throw up in the rental car...UNLIKE someone else I know. Heh.
A strange beginning to the event...
Famous, out-
My Crackberry lit up on landing in DFW-
A message from DanO was waiting.
"Hey. We're at a party. Come on over." along with an easy-to-follow set of dircetions.
20 minutes later I was the home of some nice folks, having a big plate of barbecued brisket and watching football...
Our hosts, Mark and Cathy. Awesome people, cool dogs.
DanO and his (much) better half were there, Trecia & her current flame, our host and hostess, the kids, JR, and sundry other folks watched the Pats and the Colts game on the big screen.
(We missed you, Luc... You should have been here!)
Trecia and her boy-toy.
DanO and Anita
Trecia had a thing for Manning, so she was rooting for Indy, and JR is from Boston so he had a vested interest in the game and a wager was thrown down- If Indy won, JR would jump in the pool, and if the Pats pulled it out, Trecia would hit the drink.
Trecia checking the temp. Oooo, it's cold!
Keep in mind it has been %$@*%# freezing here in Dallas, and the pool in the backyard was a bit chilly. There weren't any chunks of ice floating around in the pool, but there could have been.
Needless to say, the Colts pulled it out...much to JR's dismay.
I have to give hime credit though...
He jumped right in, a cannonball even...didn't even give me time to get my lens cap off... He had a bit of a problem getting out, but he did go in, the poor bastard...
After JR's dip, we all sat down to a rousing game of "Asshole"...
A card-based drinking game- full of arcane rules and cryptic terminology.
The object is to get rid of all your cards- laying them down according to some whacked-out numeric order or previous play... If you didn't have a card in your hand that you could play on your turn, you had to drink.
After the first round, the first one to get rid of their cards was deemed the President, the second was Vice President, and so on, down the last poor fool who got the title of Asshole.
Justin and Trecia
Nota Bene: Should you play this game, one would be wise to make beer, or better a light beer, your beverage of choice. Listen to your Uncle Jay- drinking rum when all others are Lite Beer is the path to destruction.
Rookie mistake.
We drank and played cards... Once you attain President status you are permitted to pass laws. Some of the legislation this evening were edicts such as any time a red card was played, JR and DanO had to drink. Also, any time a even card was played it was a social drink. (In the case of a red even card, JR and Dan drank twice. Heh.)
Oh, there was some serious drinking...
JR, thawed out and getting ready to imbibe...
The party broke up around 1:30... DanO and his other half were in the lead vehicle, and I had JR in my car as we headed toward the hotel.
As usual, there was a little drama...
As we drove back down Dallas 121, JR warned me that we might need to pull over so he could get rid of some excess beer.
JR: "So... we might need to pull over. I'm not feeling so good."
YT: "Ok... Just let me know."
JR: "I'm letting you know. Now. Pull over."
I pulled the car over and we were still coming to a halt as JR bailed and started and emergency evacuation of his upper GI tract.
As he finished up, a car pulled over behind us...
Uh oh.
I knew we were in trouble when the spotlight flicked on and illuminated the back of the car.
The Dallas Police Department...
I bit the bullet and got out of the car, reaching for my wallet.
The cop asked me what was going on...
YT:"My buddy here did a little too much celebrating during the game."
Dallas Cop:"Oh? An Indy fan."
YT: "No, not at all. He's from Boston."
DC: "Ah, drowning his sorrows."
YT: "Something like that."
DC: "And you? You're ok?"
YT: "Right as rain. Designated driver."
DC: "OK... Y'all drive carefully."
YT: "Yessir."
I got back to the car and only stumbled once as I was getting in.
Dodged a bullet there...whew.
DanO and Anita had pulled over and were waiting for us down the road...
JR's phone rang.
"Yeah. Had to pull over...Yeah, a cop... No, no problem. The Big Guy went back and kissed his ass and the cop took off... Yeah... See ya."
Nice.
We made it back to the hotel without further incident...
Astute readers will notice that JR had the good taste NOT to throw up in the rental car...UNLIKE someone else I know. Heh.
A strange beginning to the event...
Famous, out-
Thursday, January 18, 2007
Firefly - Lessons Learned
Things I have learned from Firefly...
If someone tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back.
Steal from the rich... sell to the poor.
The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.
Nothing buys bygones quicker than cash.
There are some things not to be mistaken for suggestions.
Be respectful of other people's cultures. Some people juggle geese.
Morbid and creepifying is OK, long as it's quiet-like.
That nothin' into nothin'...carry the nothin'... is nothin'.
A Stegosaurus and a T-Rex can never be friends.
Betrayl is sudden but inevitable.
To take that end of the stick, and take it. And that's somethin'.
If you dress yourself up, you get taken out somewhere fun. Even if you are a gun named Vera.
That how you get there is the worthier part.
There's nothin' more deceivin' than a low-down dirty...deceiver.
That when you arrive just in the nick of time, that makes you a Big Damn Hero.
That you should never hit a man with a closed fist. But it is, on occasion, hilarious.
That sanguine means both hopeful and bloody.
They don't like it when you shoot at them.
That the losing side of a conflict is not necessarily the wrong one.
That sometimes a thing gets broken and can't be fixed.
The small concealable weapons always go to the far left of the place setting.
That one goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one.
There is a special level of Hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk at the theatre.
If you can't do somethin' smart, do somethin' right.
Even at the corner of "no" and "where" you are rarely as alone as you think you are.
Sometimes the voices in your head are right.
If you're still flying, it's enough.
Famous, out-
If someone tries to kill you, you try to kill 'em right back.
Steal from the rich... sell to the poor.
The human body can be drained of blood in 8.6 seconds given adequate vacuuming systems.
Nothing buys bygones quicker than cash.
There are some things not to be mistaken for suggestions.
Be respectful of other people's cultures. Some people juggle geese.
Morbid and creepifying is OK, long as it's quiet-like.
That nothin' into nothin'...carry the nothin'... is nothin'.
A Stegosaurus and a T-Rex can never be friends.
Betrayl is sudden but inevitable.
To take that end of the stick, and take it. And that's somethin'.
If you dress yourself up, you get taken out somewhere fun. Even if you are a gun named Vera.
That how you get there is the worthier part.
There's nothin' more deceivin' than a low-down dirty...deceiver.
That when you arrive just in the nick of time, that makes you a Big Damn Hero.
That you should never hit a man with a closed fist. But it is, on occasion, hilarious.
That sanguine means both hopeful and bloody.
They don't like it when you shoot at them.
That the losing side of a conflict is not necessarily the wrong one.
That sometimes a thing gets broken and can't be fixed.
The small concealable weapons always go to the far left of the place setting.
That one goes into the house of eleven eleven times, but always comes out one.
There is a special level of Hell reserved for child molesters and people who talk at the theatre.
If you can't do somethin' smart, do somethin' right.
Even at the corner of "no" and "where" you are rarely as alone as you think you are.
Sometimes the voices in your head are right.
If you're still flying, it's enough.
Famous, out-
Welcome to the Blogosphere...
James S!
So, James was so happy to be a guest poster that he started his own blog.
Go forth and be amused by his ramblings...
Sarchasmic Hallucidations
Famous out-
So, James was so happy to be a guest poster that he started his own blog.
Go forth and be amused by his ramblings...
Sarchasmic Hallucidations
Famous out-
Tuesday, January 16, 2007
Oysterpalooza! -or- Does this month have an R in it?
Hmmm... Let me check.
J-a-n-u-a-R-y
Whoo hoo!
Time for an oyster roast!!
I've done smoked pork, pulled pork, lechon asado, wings, ribs, and some kick-ass baked ham over the last month and a half... But even though I spent 2 weeks on a semi-deserted island (i.e. no INTELLENGENT* life, Heh) I have not dabbeled in cooking any seafood lately...
We had an oyster roast the first week of December...
The Perfect Child on the prowl for a tasty morsel.
And I think it's getting to be time for another seafood fest.
A couple bags of oysters, maybe some crawfish...
Perhaps some scrimps and clams... Maybe some fried grouper.
Let's start with a nice oyster roast, shall we?
You know, it was a brave man that first picked up an oyster, pryed it open, looked at the inside of it and thought "Man. I wonder what that'd taste like?" and ate it.
I'm ok with raw oysters, but I'd rather they be steamed or roasted on a grill...
Oysters Rockefeller and Casino are ok but are a lot of work.
For you folks without a lot of experience with family Ostreidae here are a few pointers:
The Goods:
On the East Coast, oysters is oysters. Whether you have sweet little Malpeques or Beausoleils from Nova Scotia, Parramours from Chincoteague Bay in Virginia, Blue Pointes from Long Island Sound, or -my personal favorites- Appalachicolas from Appalachicola Bay, they are all the same critter- Crassostrea virginica...
If we talk Left Coast, it's a different set o' animals entirely.
The only native oysters harvested for human consumption you will find in the Pacific Northwest is the Olympia oyster (Ostreola conchaphila), once near extinction...
A series of non-native species were brought in to fill the void, and now you can get Kumamotos (Crassostrea sikamea), and Pacific oysters (Crassostrea gigas). This importation and proliferation is causing problems in the natual ecosystems in the Eastern Pacific, but since commerce overrules ecology, the oyster farmers will keep doing everything they can do to keep up with demand for these tasty shellfish.
As for other oysters you might come across, you'll occasionally find Belons (Ostrea edulis), originally from the Brittany coast of France, or Conway Cup oysters (the Crassostrea virginica again) from Prince Edward Island, and a host of other local oysters, but these are so rare in basic large US markets they are a novelty...
Tools-
(This is easy.)
Go get a oyster knife and a heavy glove.
The oyster knife is a tool with a short blunt blade, used to pry open the oyster.
Should have a non-slip handle. The glove to to keep you from slicing open you hand either with the knife (bad), or the oyster shell (worse).
(Important: Should you follow these instruction and STILL cut yourself, immediately perform routine first aid. Don't wait until you finish that last few oysters, or delay until you're finished cleaning up... Do it NOW. The infection you can get from subtidal organisms is absoultely miserable and you can wind up extremely sick in a very short amount of time. Do yourself a favor: hot water rinse, antiseptic, antibotic cream or ointment, bandage. ASAFP. I'm not kidding.)
Ok... Let's get to work.
We have a big bag of Ostreidae, (at C&C seafood on Mayport RD here in Jax Beach I get two 40lb bags for $60. Your milage might vary)
1 shucking knife for each participant
1 glove for each participant
1 large roasting pan
backyard BBQ grill (propane is best)
several bottles of dark beer
2 clean towels
1 large serving tray (big enough for the full roaster)
Heat grill to Low-medium - (You should be able to hold your hand at grate-level for 4 seconds) Put roasting pan on grill and cover to bring the temp of the pan up.
Empty 2 bottles of beer in a large bowl, then soak the towels for minute- then lightly wring them out. (Periodically resoak towels during the cooking process, adding beer as needed.)
Prepare oysters for cooking- I hit them with a high-pressure spray from the hose to get off the worst of the mud and other muck, but if you are OCD or really want to go the extra yard, you can take a scrub brush to them...
When your pan is hot, add one beer to the pan, then put in a generous layer of oysters. Cover them with the beer-soaked towel and put them back on the grill for 8 to 10 minutes or until all the oysters are open.
(If one of two don't open, pitch the unopened ones. There is something wrong with them.)
Transfer the open oysters to the serving tray, and bring them to the table for the Ravenous Hordes.
To Consume:
Select a semi-opened oyster, hold in a gloved hand,
lever the shell open with your oyster knife.
Slide the knife under the meat, scraping to make sure adductor muscles are free from the shell, and then slurp the tasty morsel straight from the half-shell. Feel free to customize your slurpage with the following:
Lemon juice,
A dab of cocktail sauce,
Malt vinegar,
Tobasco,
Horseradish,
Wasabi,
or... (drumroll please)
Uncle jay's Oyster Sauce:
1/2 cup red wine vinegar
1/2 cup apple cider vinegar
2 tablespoons Dijon-style mustard
1 tablespoon Tabasco Chipotle Pepper Sauce
1 tablespoon honey
1/2 teaspoon salt
Whisk together all ingredients in a small bowl.
Serve as a dipping sauce, or spoon 1/8 teaspoon into the shell before slurping.
One other thing,
It is considered good form for others to take turns at the grill, so everyone can enjoy the different activities of the oyster roast.
Famous, out-
*Please see the comment section in regards to this
egregious misspelling.
J-a-n-u-a-R-y
Whoo hoo!
Time for an oyster roast!!
I've done smoked pork, pulled pork, lechon asado, wings, ribs, and some kick-ass baked ham over the last month and a half... But even though I spent 2 weeks on a semi-deserted island (i.e. no INTELLENGENT* life, Heh) I have not dabbeled in cooking any seafood lately...
We had an oyster roast the first week of December...
The Perfect Child on the prowl for a tasty morsel.
And I think it's getting to be time for another seafood fest.
A couple bags of oysters, maybe some crawfish...
Perhaps some scrimps and clams... Maybe some fried grouper.
Let's start with a nice oyster roast, shall we?
You know, it was a brave man that first picked up an oyster, pryed it open, looked at the inside of it and thought "Man. I wonder what that'd taste like?" and ate it.
I'm ok with raw oysters, but I'd rather they be steamed or roasted on a grill...
Oysters Rockefeller and Casino are ok but are a lot of work.
For you folks without a lot of experience with family Ostreidae here are a few pointers:
The Goods:
On the East Coast, oysters is oysters. Whether you have sweet little Malpeques or Beausoleils from Nova Scotia, Parramours from Chincoteague Bay in Virginia, Blue Pointes from Long Island Sound, or -my personal favorites- Appalachicolas from Appalachicola Bay, they are all the same critter- Crassostrea virginica...
If we talk Left Coast, it's a different set o' animals entirely.
The only native oysters harvested for human consumption you will find in the Pacific Northwest is the Olympia oyster (Ostreola conchaphila), once near extinction...
A series of non-native species were brought in to fill the void, and now you can get Kumamotos (Crassostrea sikamea), and Pacific oysters (Crassostrea gigas). This importation and proliferation is causing problems in the natual ecosystems in the Eastern Pacific, but since commerce overrules ecology, the oyster farmers will keep doing everything they can do to keep up with demand for these tasty shellfish.
As for other oysters you might come across, you'll occasionally find Belons (Ostrea edulis), originally from the Brittany coast of France, or Conway Cup oysters (the Crassostrea virginica again) from Prince Edward Island, and a host of other local oysters, but these are so rare in basic large US markets they are a novelty...
Tools-
(This is easy.)
Go get a oyster knife and a heavy glove.
The oyster knife is a tool with a short blunt blade, used to pry open the oyster.
Should have a non-slip handle. The glove to to keep you from slicing open you hand either with the knife (bad), or the oyster shell (worse).
(Important: Should you follow these instruction and STILL cut yourself, immediately perform routine first aid. Don't wait until you finish that last few oysters, or delay until you're finished cleaning up... Do it NOW. The infection you can get from subtidal organisms is absoultely miserable and you can wind up extremely sick in a very short amount of time. Do yourself a favor: hot water rinse, antiseptic, antibotic cream or ointment, bandage. ASAFP. I'm not kidding.)
Ok... Let's get to work.
We have a big bag of Ostreidae, (at C&C seafood on Mayport RD here in Jax Beach I get two 40lb bags for $60. Your milage might vary)
1 shucking knife for each participant
1 glove for each participant
1 large roasting pan
backyard BBQ grill (propane is best)
several bottles of dark beer
2 clean towels
1 large serving tray (big enough for the full roaster)
Heat grill to Low-medium - (You should be able to hold your hand at grate-level for 4 seconds) Put roasting pan on grill and cover to bring the temp of the pan up.
Empty 2 bottles of beer in a large bowl, then soak the towels for minute- then lightly wring them out. (Periodically resoak towels during the cooking process, adding beer as needed.)
Prepare oysters for cooking- I hit them with a high-pressure spray from the hose to get off the worst of the mud and other muck, but if you are OCD or really want to go the extra yard, you can take a scrub brush to them...
When your pan is hot, add one beer to the pan, then put in a generous layer of oysters. Cover them with the beer-soaked towel and put them back on the grill for 8 to 10 minutes or until all the oysters are open.
(If one of two don't open, pitch the unopened ones. There is something wrong with them.)
Transfer the open oysters to the serving tray, and bring them to the table for the Ravenous Hordes.
To Consume:
Select a semi-opened oyster, hold in a gloved hand,
lever the shell open with your oyster knife.
Slide the knife under the meat, scraping to make sure adductor muscles are free from the shell, and then slurp the tasty morsel straight from the half-shell. Feel free to customize your slurpage with the following:
Lemon juice,
A dab of cocktail sauce,
Malt vinegar,
Tobasco,
Horseradish,
Wasabi,
or... (drumroll please)
Uncle jay's Oyster Sauce:
1/2 cup red wine vinegar
1/2 cup apple cider vinegar
2 tablespoons Dijon-style mustard
1 tablespoon Tabasco Chipotle Pepper Sauce
1 tablespoon honey
1/2 teaspoon salt
Whisk together all ingredients in a small bowl.
Serve as a dipping sauce, or spoon 1/8 teaspoon into the shell before slurping.
One other thing,
It is considered good form for others to take turns at the grill, so everyone can enjoy the different activities of the oyster roast.
Famous, out-
*Please see the comment section in regards to this
egregious misspelling.
Saturday, January 13, 2007
Guest Post - Big Chouffe
This is a guest posting from James S, one of the Usual Suspects from the trip to Koln last October...
(I was looking for pics of James... I only have one, and I don't think he'd like me to post it here...heh.)
He sent me an e-mail describing a new brew that he encountered on his travels, with an oh-so-lyrical description of the brew (and it's aftereffects) that I felt it needed to be shared...
I'm not sure if I should be complimented by his assertion about my capacity for beer, or insulted by being classified with Russian Coal Miners & African Bull Elephants, but I'll discuss this with him at a later point... Perhaps with a baseball bat or a shillelagh. Or a Chimay....
Please enjoy James' discourse on Big Chouffe...
All -
After finishing the 3rd Big Chouffe of my life last night ( The manly man 1.5 Liter Magnum that is, not the regular La Chouffe - and of course only 1 per sitting as I think that nothing alive could survive 3 in a row except maybe a large Russian Coal Miner, an African Bull Elephant or possibly Jay Young) I am coming to the point of near mystical awe and reverence in regard for this beer - while also preparing for my new life's quest - a pilgrimage to the mecca of beer - Achouffe Belgium - Where I will bow down at the feet of the masters in both homage and praise at their creation of the Big Chouffe.
Achouffe
I owe my discovery of this veritable nectar of the gods to the Michael Jackson of Pennsylvania ( the beer guy, not the fag - Beerhunter ), Brian Sherry, quite possibly the only man I have ever encountered who regularly finds, drinks, rates and passes on
better beer then say ........Michael Jackson, the beer guy, not the fag. He is an endless font of good beers to taste - raise a glass to him as I do while indulging in any new beer with the firm knowledge he has already tried it a year before you even found it.
So, with that said, the "Big Chouffe" is by far the best "drinking for a buzz" beer ever crafted by the fine hand of man. By my recommendation alone - those of you who have never indulged, If you ever have a chance at one of these Magnums - Go for the gold and buy it - then find a day where you can sit down and drink the whole son of bitch in one sitting - hide your car key my friends, hide your car keys.... This is a No Drinking Skirts allowed beer and one that will cull the herd of the light weight beer drinkers in its awesome presence.....
So here is the run down on this near nectar of the gods :
Description : Golden Ale, strong, spicy, lightly hoppy, with evoluting taste. Natural Beer, bottle refermented, unfiltered, not pasteurized and without any additives.
Storage : Store the bottles vertically in a cold place, sheltered from light. The
yeast deposit can either be drunk or left according to taste .
( The storage point is important unless you like beer with yeast floating in it - it still tastes fine but is like OJ with pulp in it, not bad, but not for everyone. So, in case that were to happen to you - always remember - there is nothing in beer that can kill you - even if there is shit floating in it)
As a foot note - and what the fine Crafters of the La Chouffe Brewery have not felt cause to mention a PC warning on their labels - and something they most likely should - are the 2 things that I both curse them and praise them for at once.
1) The Praise : The alcohol content (while posted) is so quick to hit you - that after 1.1/2 Pilsner glasses of this brew - your lit ( Well - I'm lit anyway - I'm kinda small in stature as you all are so kind and quick to remind me of on any sitting). The Chouffe pours out into about - 2 and 1/4 large Pilsner glasses - not the little pussy ones that get thin at the base - but the ones that are like 22 oz and flare out at the top - so after 1.1/2 - I defy anyone to tell me they are not feeling the love and considering calling it quits with an unfinished bottle in front of you - but I, the lowly beer hound that I am , have always felt bad about leaving that extra beer in the bottle - kind of like it needs to get it's chance for glory - so as not to offend the fine crafters of La Chouffe, I prefer to kill the whole bad boy in 1 sitting - To both my pleasure and regret at the same time of course.
2) The Curse : Lo be it to the family member or bystander in the general vicinity of you the next day.......It has become glaringly apparent to me that one, or all, of the evil Brewmeister's at La Chouffe have formed a pact with the Devil himself and have reached into the farthest cesspool of Hell while creating the Malt for this beer. The residual effects of this Ale by far tops the scale in rankest fart gas ever produced. Rotting meat has nothing on this stuff. I surmise that they have even felled the mighty Guinness in the hallowed halls of Fartdom with this brew.
I actually have been forced to literally run from the area I crack off in, it is so bad - all the while praying that no one saw my "exit stage left" and can link
me to the crime. Good lord this beer produces a fetid stench that would give pause to the best proctologist.
Now, If you are like me (and most of you are) and the fart is the endless source of laughter which the Good Lord intended it to be - then you will appreciate this lil story:
While I was driving the kids to school today, I was forced to drop the bomb in the car (completely out of character for me while with my kids of course - NOT ).
So what do I do you ask?? I immediately spring into action - Raising and Locking all windows at light speed and then cranking the heat on full blast on the blower setting - while eagerly waiting in anticipation for the reaction of a 7 yr old and a 4 yr old to my evil plan - but lo to my surprise - the noxious gas seeps up through my zipped jacket - like a warm creeping mustard gas - only to spew from the top of the neck enveloping my head and immediately bringing tears to my eyes (both in laughter and veritable disgust ).
Only then did it spill into the car, bringing forth a splendid chorus of retching and gagging from my kids in mere nano seconds after exodus. Immediately followed by the shouts of "Gross!" and "Daddy you farted!" "Roll the Windows Down!" amongst a flurry of fingers clicking the now useless window controls at their sides ( insert Dr.Evil laugh).
I was almost blinded by the tears of - dare I say delight?? It smelled so bad I felt Satan himself smile in justification with the "atta boy" pat to my back.
So, in summation : If you are looking for that great wife beating buzz, then this is the beer for you. By the end of just one Magnum of Big Chouffe your ready for a "Tootoo" and some ballet slippers.
All I can say in parting is "Serve me up another."
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be
happy.
~ Benjamin Franklin
Beer :The Cause of, and Solution to, all of Life's
Problems.
~ Homer Simpson
-------------------
Thanks, James.
Famous- Out-
(I was looking for pics of James... I only have one, and I don't think he'd like me to post it here...heh.)
He sent me an e-mail describing a new brew that he encountered on his travels, with an oh-so-lyrical description of the brew (and it's aftereffects) that I felt it needed to be shared...
I'm not sure if I should be complimented by his assertion about my capacity for beer, or insulted by being classified with Russian Coal Miners & African Bull Elephants, but I'll discuss this with him at a later point... Perhaps with a baseball bat or a shillelagh. Or a Chimay....
Please enjoy James' discourse on Big Chouffe...
All -
After finishing the 3rd Big Chouffe of my life last night ( The manly man 1.5 Liter Magnum that is, not the regular La Chouffe - and of course only 1 per sitting as I think that nothing alive could survive 3 in a row except maybe a large Russian Coal Miner, an African Bull Elephant or possibly Jay Young) I am coming to the point of near mystical awe and reverence in regard for this beer - while also preparing for my new life's quest - a pilgrimage to the mecca of beer - Achouffe Belgium - Where I will bow down at the feet of the masters in both homage and praise at their creation of the Big Chouffe.
Achouffe
I owe my discovery of this veritable nectar of the gods to the Michael Jackson of Pennsylvania ( the beer guy, not the fag - Beerhunter ), Brian Sherry, quite possibly the only man I have ever encountered who regularly finds, drinks, rates and passes on
better beer then say ........Michael Jackson, the beer guy, not the fag. He is an endless font of good beers to taste - raise a glass to him as I do while indulging in any new beer with the firm knowledge he has already tried it a year before you even found it.
So, with that said, the "Big Chouffe" is by far the best "drinking for a buzz" beer ever crafted by the fine hand of man. By my recommendation alone - those of you who have never indulged, If you ever have a chance at one of these Magnums - Go for the gold and buy it - then find a day where you can sit down and drink the whole son of bitch in one sitting - hide your car key my friends, hide your car keys.... This is a No Drinking Skirts allowed beer and one that will cull the herd of the light weight beer drinkers in its awesome presence.....
So here is the run down on this near nectar of the gods :
Description : Golden Ale, strong, spicy, lightly hoppy, with evoluting taste. Natural Beer, bottle refermented, unfiltered, not pasteurized and without any additives.
Storage : Store the bottles vertically in a cold place, sheltered from light. The
yeast deposit can either be drunk or left according to taste .
( The storage point is important unless you like beer with yeast floating in it - it still tastes fine but is like OJ with pulp in it, not bad, but not for everyone. So, in case that were to happen to you - always remember - there is nothing in beer that can kill you - even if there is shit floating in it)
As a foot note - and what the fine Crafters of the La Chouffe Brewery have not felt cause to mention a PC warning on their labels - and something they most likely should - are the 2 things that I both curse them and praise them for at once.
1) The Praise : The alcohol content (while posted) is so quick to hit you - that after 1.1/2 Pilsner glasses of this brew - your lit ( Well - I'm lit anyway - I'm kinda small in stature as you all are so kind and quick to remind me of on any sitting). The Chouffe pours out into about - 2 and 1/4 large Pilsner glasses - not the little pussy ones that get thin at the base - but the ones that are like 22 oz and flare out at the top - so after 1.1/2 - I defy anyone to tell me they are not feeling the love and considering calling it quits with an unfinished bottle in front of you - but I, the lowly beer hound that I am , have always felt bad about leaving that extra beer in the bottle - kind of like it needs to get it's chance for glory - so as not to offend the fine crafters of La Chouffe, I prefer to kill the whole bad boy in 1 sitting - To both my pleasure and regret at the same time of course.
2) The Curse : Lo be it to the family member or bystander in the general vicinity of you the next day.......It has become glaringly apparent to me that one, or all, of the evil Brewmeister's at La Chouffe have formed a pact with the Devil himself and have reached into the farthest cesspool of Hell while creating the Malt for this beer. The residual effects of this Ale by far tops the scale in rankest fart gas ever produced. Rotting meat has nothing on this stuff. I surmise that they have even felled the mighty Guinness in the hallowed halls of Fartdom with this brew.
I actually have been forced to literally run from the area I crack off in, it is so bad - all the while praying that no one saw my "exit stage left" and can link
me to the crime. Good lord this beer produces a fetid stench that would give pause to the best proctologist.
Now, If you are like me (and most of you are) and the fart is the endless source of laughter which the Good Lord intended it to be - then you will appreciate this lil story:
While I was driving the kids to school today, I was forced to drop the bomb in the car (completely out of character for me while with my kids of course - NOT ).
So what do I do you ask?? I immediately spring into action - Raising and Locking all windows at light speed and then cranking the heat on full blast on the blower setting - while eagerly waiting in anticipation for the reaction of a 7 yr old and a 4 yr old to my evil plan - but lo to my surprise - the noxious gas seeps up through my zipped jacket - like a warm creeping mustard gas - only to spew from the top of the neck enveloping my head and immediately bringing tears to my eyes (both in laughter and veritable disgust ).
Only then did it spill into the car, bringing forth a splendid chorus of retching and gagging from my kids in mere nano seconds after exodus. Immediately followed by the shouts of "Gross!" and "Daddy you farted!" "Roll the Windows Down!" amongst a flurry of fingers clicking the now useless window controls at their sides ( insert Dr.Evil laugh).
I was almost blinded by the tears of - dare I say delight?? It smelled so bad I felt Satan himself smile in justification with the "atta boy" pat to my back.
So, in summation : If you are looking for that great wife beating buzz, then this is the beer for you. By the end of just one Magnum of Big Chouffe your ready for a "Tootoo" and some ballet slippers.
All I can say in parting is "Serve me up another."
Beer is living proof that God loves us and wants us to be
happy.
~ Benjamin Franklin
Beer :The Cause of, and Solution to, all of Life's
Problems.
~ Homer Simpson
-------------------
Thanks, James.
Famous- Out-
Thursday, January 11, 2007
Lisbon to Dakar
I'm adding this to the "Stuff I wanna do before I croak" list...
The Lisbon to Dakar rally.
The race goes from Lisbon Portugal to Malaga Spain, then across the western Med to Nador Morocco, then through the western Sahara countries down to Dakar, Senegal...
I figure I need $200,000 for expenses and shipping, a BMW 1200RS and a lobotomy to make the trip.
Anyone want to sponsor me?
Amazing, out-
The Lisbon to Dakar rally.
The race goes from Lisbon Portugal to Malaga Spain, then across the western Med to Nador Morocco, then through the western Sahara countries down to Dakar, Senegal...
I figure I need $200,000 for expenses and shipping, a BMW 1200RS and a lobotomy to make the trip.
Anyone want to sponsor me?
Amazing, out-
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