Saturday, July 08, 2017

I Like My Coffee...

...Like I like my women.

I used to reply to the common waitress query "How would you like your coffee?" with the old, tired cliché "Like my women: Hot & Sweet, just like you."
Such flirtation would usually ease the sting when I would falsify a complaint about her to the manager then skip out on the bill, but that's another post completely.
For a bit my reply was "I like it like my ex-wife - Cold & Bitter."
Good times, good times.

Now days the coffee condition comparison has been pushed to an art...

I like my coffee like I like my women:
  • Ground up and in the freezer.
  • Venezuelan and stuffed in a bag.
  • Tied up in a burlap sack and thrown over a donkey.
  • Ground up and in a burlap sack
  • Tied up and thrown into the back of a van by a Colombian
  • Cheap and found at the 7-11.
  • Hot & Bitter
  • Cold & Bitter
  • Black, bitter, and preferably free trade (Thanks Dr. Kreiger)
  • Dark and frothing with cream
  • Hot and in the kitchen
  • From the corner and less than $2.
  • Colombian and mashed into powder (no, wait... Different product*)
  • Quiet
  • WITHOUT ANOTHER MANS DICK IN THEM ANNABEL YOU FUCKING WHORE.
  • Foreign and shipped to America in crates
  • Black and without a penis
  • Black and full of whiskey
  • Warm, wet, bitter, tasty, slightly addictive, ready first thing in the morning, and free
  • No pubic hair
  • Hot, sweet and covered in whipped cream
  • Milky white, not hot anymore, and lacking enough artificial sweetness to mask the essential bitterness
  • Irish and stinking of whiskey
  • A little hot, a little gross and picked up at the gas station in the middle of the night
  • Picked prematurely, tied up, stuffed in a burlap sack and smuggled over the border at night
  • Black and rich
  • Over priced and sustainably sourced
  • Cuban and stronger than me
  • Blonde with low self esteem
  • Pale, bitter, and frigid
  • Shallow and full of cream
  • Flat white
  • Exported for an extremely low price from third world countries
  • Tossed out on the side of the freeway
  • Dark as night and sweet as sin
  • Hot, black and with a penguin
  • Surrounded by styrofoam and heated to a boil
  • Completely full and not asking "What do you want to do for dinner?"
  • Dumped out in a parking lot when it becomes cold
  • I don't care if it's black or white, as long as it's sweet enough to go down easily  

    A couple winners for the commuter crowd:
  • Steaming hot and all over my lap while driving

    or it's cousin-
  • Short, Columbian, and smoking hot all over my junk.

    or just-
  • Down the front of my pants

*Bonus comparison: I like my cocaine how I like my women. White and diced up with a razor blade.


TBG - Exit - pursued by Juan Valdez and his burro. (You kids will have to Google that one on Bing.)

4 comments:

Angus McThag said...

Why is Juan smiling?

Because raising coffee is his hobby.

Juan is really a drug lord and a multi-billionaire.

Irish said...

Good to see posting uncle jay.

Old NFO said...

Snerk... Those are some good ones!

Dan said...

Man, I wanted to tweet this, but I'm a big sissy now!