Travel Pro-Tips: Luggage and Houston Airport

Two items for your edification and amusement today, Constant Readers.

First- I am assuming you are one of the Smart People that actually check your luggage at the ticketing counter.
If you are, good for you. Spot on!

<Rant 1>
If you are one of those morons who insist on schlepping all your worldly goods into one bag and ignore the pleading from the gate attendant that you bag will not fit in the overhead and drag your steamer trunk down the aisle smacking everyone along the way in the knee, shoulder or head as you make your way to steerage class seating, only to find there is no room for your "carry-on bag" and have to inconvenience everyone doing your best salmon-swimming-upstream imitation to admit defeat and gate check your bag anyway, WTF, dude?

"BUT!" You'll stammer "I beat the airline! I didn't have to pay $25! I'm the winner here."

Shut up, asshole. Just sit down and play Crunchy Fruit or V'jazzled or whatever on your smartphone while first aid is administered to the other passengers that suffered injury as you passed to-and-fro with that footlocker that was festooned with razorblades and broken glass "to make it more identifiable".

Jerk.

If you are one of these assholes, please skip reading this, quit your job, destroy your smartphone, and move somewhere like Irkutsk or Ulan Bataar and reevaluate your life choices.
</rant1>

But you, you clever Constant Reader that knows your should check your bags and your privilege to make everyone's life easier... Good on ya.
Ready for that tip?

A trip to Lost Baggage is a trial and tribulation all its own.
Might as well call it "Lost Sanity" or "Lost Souls".
Lost Baggage is were airlines send troublesome employees. Folks that they would like to see change vocation or just go away.
Most people don't make it long there. You have to deal with angry people who are missing their belongings after a long flight. It's bad when you are getting home from a month in a 3rd World shithole. Much worse to lose your bag on the outbound side- arriving for work or vacation with only the clothes on your back. You'll want to tear the arms off the Poor Bastard in Lost Baggage- to impress upon him that You Need Your Fucking Bags Pronto, Cochise. Too much of that on a daily basis will make you long for a job in Roadkill Disposal in West Texas. Or late-night gas station attendant in Birmingham Alabama.
Now, there are a few sadists out the that derive pleasure from the pain and suffering of others, and they fit right it in Lost Souls & Baggage...
This is the guy that loves to hear how much you are suffering by being deprived of your bags. He finds your bags in short order, but sends them out for delivery after 1:30am. He'll call you at 2, 2:30, and 3am to let you know they are on the way...

Waking you up each time. 

He'll give instructions to the delivery guy to honk three times outside your house, then knock loudly on the door when dropping the bag off.
Evil bastards...
But I digress.

Here's your travel ProTip:
Take a picture of your bag(s) with your smartphone.
That way, when you arrive at your destination, and your bag(s) don't and you have to make that trip to Lost Baggage you will be prepared.

You: "It's a black duffle bag."
Lost Baggage Bastard: "Yes, but what *kind* of black duffle bag?"
He will helpfully pull out an 11x17 laminated sheet with 472 different kinds of black duffle bags.
You, you smart Constant Reader will pull out your phone show him a picture of the bag, shortcircuiting his next 62 questions detailing brands, straps, piping, logos, ID tags, distinguishing modifications like ribbons or colored markers. 
It will all be there in the picture.
That will take the wind out of his sails.
You will be on your way with a song in your heart and a slip of paper ensuring the your bags will be along Any Time Now, so be of good cheer. 
And listen for the honk in your driveway at 3 AM.
That can't be helped.

Second Pro Tip - Houston International Arrivals.

Are you Global Entry? If so, good on ya.
If not, do it. Do it now.
Are you TSA PreCheck?
If not, do it. It's worth it.

What does this have to do with IAH?

When you arrive in Houston from some 3rd World shithole like, say, Rio de Janeiro  Brazil, you'll stand in line to clear passport control... Global Entry will speed this process from 40+ mins to less that 5 minutes. You may or may not claim your bags, based on the aforementioned situation with Lost Baggage.

But the idea is to make the connection as smooth as possible.

After you pass the last customs check where you hand in your blue customs form or your global entry ticket, you'll be at baggage recheck.

Give them your bags (if you have them) then they will direct you upstairs to security for entry to the sterile area of the airport.

There is a big sign for TSA PreCheck there but IT'S NEVER OPEN. You will always have to go through regular scanning (Full Monty nude-o-vision scoping, shoes off, unpack your backpack, body cavity search).

I button-holed a nice lady with a Global Services sign this AM and asked her if the PreCheck was open today.

Global Service Lady: "Oh honey, that's never open. I've been here 20 years and it's never been opened up one time." 

YT: "Is there another option?"

GSL: "Lord yes! Just drop your bag at ReCheck the go out the doors that say "Welcome to Houston and take the escalator up one level. PreCheck is always open there. Easy as pie."

And it was...

When I cleared security from that side I could see the other security lanes- easily 200 people going through 2 lanes.

Slowly.

And to add insult to injury, it was a shit-ton of international arrivals - half returning US citizen with lots of carry-on shit needing scrutiny,  the other half are Foreign Devils (including kids and ReallyOldPeople)  that were having a tough time navigating escalators and moving sidewalks and eyed luggage carts with suspicion. US-Style security scanning is more confusing to them than non-Euclidian geometric analysis of half-life proton decay is to flatworms.

Listen to your Uncle Jay, bypass the international arrival recheck security line. Go out the back in through the main security entrance. 

You're welcome.

TBG - still travelin'

Come Stay in Lovely Media Favela #3!

(Caution- Parody.
No one should infer that the following pictures and descriptions bear any resemblance to the truth or actual conditions. Things are actually really nice and we are having a great time. Seriously.)

Welcome to Rio2016!
We want you to relax and enjoy your stay in Rio as part of the 2016  Games.

We have tried to make you accommodations at our Media Favela #3 as nice as possible with all the comforts of home!


The common area of your room will be suitable for close intimate gathering of friends to enjoy an after-work beverage or an evening of good conversation.


When you retire for the evening, the cool crisp sheets will comfort you as you enjoy a full nights sleep in clean & fresh surroundings. Be careful that you don't oversleep and miss your shift tomorrow!



Out modern plumbing facilities will ensure a clean and sanitary experience for your morning ablutions.


Cutting edge technology will bring you the best electronic experience- great internet connectivity, clear, crisp telephone calls, and a host of TV channels for your entertainment all through our brand-new high-end technical infrastructure.


Meet your neighbors and coworkers from around the world... Make new friends as we all work and play together.


Enjoy a refreshing swim in our lovely swimming pool complex. A nice caipirinha poolside or other beverage will help you unwind after a long day.


If physical activity is more your style, shoot a round of hoops with your co-workers and neighbors.


...Or visit our weight room to have an intense workout and stay in shape.

Please enjoy your stay in Media Favela #3, and be sure to let us know if you need any assistance with your stay... Our lovely and talented admin staff will be happy to help!




TBG - - [Exit- pursued by howler monkey riding a capybara]

Helpful Hints for Rio from The Czar

After I fired off a cry for help, The Czar (may his toenails never fester) comes through with a timely and accurate assist:

Dear Uncle Jay,
You’re right that the key word for traveling to Brazil is “don’t.” Of course, that makes it sound like you shouldn’t travel there at all; in reality, (1) you shouldn’t travel to South America at all and (2) the word don’t really applies to everything related to Brazil.

This actually is Rio. This may not be one of the Olympic sports, but that doesn’t mean you won’t see this at some venues.

Brazil is basically all the cut-throat lunacy of a Mexican pirate town plunked helpfully in the center of a sweltering jungle, featuring a river filled with creatures that have teeth the size of your aunt and the predilection to eat something her size with them. 

Another feature of Brazil is the fact you can drive about ten minutes in any direction (in theory, as there aren’t nearly enough roads) and find yourself in a stone-age culture equipped with blowguns and cell phones. They will not hesitate to use both. No, the Czar doesn’t mean “either,” he means “both”: they’ll gleefully put a dart in your neck while talking to their agent.

Brazilians, on the other hand, are great for parties. The Czar strongly recommends befriending a Brazilian if you like to eat, drink, roller skate, dance, and basically repeat this every hour until four or five in the morning. These people do not quit.

It has been decades since the Czar went to Rio, though, so let’s see what we remember. Your high school Spanish will be just as useful to you here as when you went to Cozumel, by which we mean totally useless. Brazilians, as you already know, speak Portuguese, not Spanish. Portuguese is an interesting language that’s half-Spanish and half-arrogance. It has a lot of shushing noises, which is linguistically interesting: since Brazilians spend about two-thirds of their day inebriated, they simply modified the spelling of their language to reflect drunken slurs.

Helpful phrases:
“These are not my drugs, therefore you can keep them.” — Não minhas drogas; portanto, você pode mantê-los.
“Waiter, my seafood is threatening me.” — Garçom, meu frutos do mar me ameaça.
“What can I drink that won’t kill me?” — O que eu posso beber que não vai me matar?
“If I drink this caipirinha, will I still have two kidneys in the morning?” — Se eu beber esta caipirinha, vai ainda tenho dois rins na parte da manhã?
“Get me on the next flight home.” — Quero que o próximo vôo do avião casa.
“No, I’m Canadian.” — Não, sou canadense

Don’t worry about pronouncing the Portuguese correctly: just read it loud and in a drunk voice. They won’t understand you, but that’s because they’re too hammered themselves. “Vamos roller skating,” they’ll say in sympathy. 

The Czar is also familiar with Brazilian cooking, being something of a grill-master himself. The Brazilian method of cooking is quite simple: subject thick cuts of meat—python?—to extremely high heat until the food is charred black on the outside and bloody raw in the middle. If you look carefully, you might find some medium-well fibers of meat between the two, but these will be utterly soaked in salt.

The heat is unbearable in Rio, but clothing is totally optional. Actually, the bigger and hairier you are, the less you want to wear. The Czar guesses for a mostly shaved Sasquatch guy your size, Jay, you should wear an eyepatch in place of a thong. Surprisingly, that won’t be the most surprising thing you’ll see someone wear.

Everyone talks about the gigantic statue of Jesus up on the hilltop, but what they don’t tell you is that, over the last 50 years or so, the statue has totally turned itself around so it looks away. It would be a Vatican-sized miracle, but no one admits it because it reflects nothing but shame on the city. Hey, if you had to gaze down on that mess, you’d at least squint.

Anywhere you go, look for the nearest exit and use it.

Fortunately, you’ll be traveling there with fiber optic cables, which is good because you can use them to strangle the hotel clerk when he arrives in the middle of the night to perform his customary turn down service and leave something minty on your pillow. Don’t worry about the body: murder is not only sanctioned there but positively encouraged. If the authorities ask, simply say what all Brazilians say and claim you thought he was a poor person. You’re off the hook, and you can just leave the body where it is. There will be no air-conditioning in your room anyway, and within moments his corpse will be swollen with bottle fly maggots, so dumping it won’t matter.

For the last 50 years or so, the Czar has become increasingly convinced that the Olympics are just a huge joke that we’re not getting…so the organizers are choosing even dumber locations each time. “Let’s pick a disease-infested pithole that’s corrupt, filthy hot, and has no transportation or clean lodging.” “How about Rio? Chicago said no.”

Well...
I do plan on going to the beach at least once...

Let's see if I can find that eyepatch/thong he's suggesting... To Amazon!
(How appropriate!)


Wow. That would look frightening trying to hold in all my dangly bits...

Here's something even MORE better! A steampunk eyepatch/monocle!
This might be the ticket- but...
If that thing isn't the size of a one-quart oilcan, I'll probably be causing a ruckus on the beach at Copacabana...

Stronger, Higher, Faster - forsooth!
TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Life Pro Tips Needed...

Back in 2014 I sent a missive to The Czar over at Castle G, looking for guidance prior to my trip to the Sochi Olympics and got excellent advice which proved invaluable, and in one case, kept me from being shipped off to a gulag...
I saw the coquettish batting of fake eyelashes by a waitress in Rosa Khutor as a 'come hither'; Instead it was actually an advanced case of pink eye and a rather sizable stye causing the eyelid flutter.
I realized my mistake after cornering her in the space between the restaurant's outhouse and the offal pile by the river. Moments later I was having a close encounter with a 10" butcher's blade wielded by her boss/uncle accompanied by 2 members of the FSE.
Needless to say, I racked my brain for a plausible explanation when the advice for The Czar come ringing through- I shouted “გთხოვთ, არ მომეცი მწერები!!" Out of the corner of my eye I caught the flash of in incoming nightstick and everything went dark (or rather darker).
I woke up face-down in a landfill just south of Estosadok, bound in several yards of burlap and bailing wire, and a sign reading "სიკვდილი ამერიკული ღორის ძაღლები".

Since things worked out so well in Sochi I thought I would tempt fate and seek guidance again, this time invoking The Czar to assist me with suggestions for Rio de Janerio.

My petition:

O Most Dread and Awful Czar, Lord of the Flies, Keeper of the Pile, Master of the Steppes, Bringer of Kinetic Military Action, Torturer-in-Chief, Slayer of the Yaw and the Goiter, and Protector of the Holy Cities of Moscow, Chicago and parts of Louisville...

Once again I find myself in need of Pro Life Tips from Your Czarness…

As per usual I have been assigned to work in a place that the mere mention of evokes fear and palpitations in the hearts of travel professionals and dollar signs in the eyes of Personal Executive Protection agents.

Yep- you guessed it. I’m heading to Rio.

Your guidance regarding my sojourn in Sochi was invaluable; Your tip regarding quality horsemeat was spot-on, and I did use “გვამი მდინარეში ერთხელ,” very often, given the construction contractors that received bids and money for projects that were either unfinished (tons of them) or didn’t even exist (arguably even a larger quantity).

Your knowledge was so useful I would once again visit the well of your vast wisdom and know-how and draw upon your knowledge of all things dangerous and deadly.

Word around the campfire is to stay away from: 

Beaches at night

Bars bearing any signage 1) in English, or 2) with the words “Nós Matar Turistas” (“We love tourists” I think...)

Downtown Rio

Northern Rio

Southern Rio

Western Rio

(There is no Eastern Rio. Word has it that is was sold to Uruguay and carted away in a truck years ago.)

Also avoid:

Local cops

City cops

Federal cops

Highway cops

Subway/Metro cops

Anyone with a uniform

Anyone without a uniform

Kids

Grownups

Boys

Girls

Girls that look like boys

Boys that look like girls

Anyone with a pulse

Anyone without a pulse

And finally-

Don’t eat/drink:

Meat

Vegetables

Fish
Dairy products

Eggs

Gluten

Starches
Name brand liquor

Off brand liquor

Homemade liquor

Cachaça

Aguardiente

Water (bottled, tap, bay, beach, bath/shower, ocean and rainfall)

Beer

Coke and other ‘soft’ drinks

And the biggest no-no-

Favelas – Don’t even look at the damned favelas.

As a matter of fact, according to the keeper of my leash, visiting a favela, no matter how well armed and capable I am, or the size of my personal protection detail is a violation that will get me a spot on the next plane out. (That’s my escape plan, by the way.)

Help me, Obi Wan Czarnobi

You’re my only hope.

Uncle Jay


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Hotel Life

I spend a lot of time in hotels...
Good hotels... Sheraton, Marriott, Westin, W...
Probably some of the best hotels I've stayed in were the Hotel Oceana in Santa Monica and the Four Seasons Chinzanso (which is no longer a Four Seasons..more's the pity).
Shitty hotels- Hotel Louis in Kowloon, Howard Johnson in Downtown LA come to mind...
Basic accommodations like LaQuintas all over the US, and a handful of Mom & Pop hotels throughout the South. They are always an adventure.


I've seen and heard almost every weird thing possible...
I've lost count of the number of times I've heard the folks next door to mine having noisy wallthumping coitus at various times of the night or early morning.
I've heard arguing couples, screaming children (often the same thing), and wild parties.
I've had the hotel give my room to someone else, while I was in it, asleep...
(And you can imagine how badly that ended...)

I was checking out of the Detroit Westin to catch an early flight once and as I was at the counter a woman in bra and panties walked up and in a very matter of fact tone just said "I locked myself out. 1253."
The woman that was checking me out looked once, slapped a keycard through the encoder and passed it to her in 4 seconds... Se took the card and purposefully strode back to the elevator.
Granted- it was 4:00am, and as a rule 2 to 5 am is the oddball-shit-happens window...

At the Hilton last June, there was the incident where there were two (quite obvious) hookers walking through the lobby at 3am. A man wrapped in a towel bolted out of the elevator and grabbed one of the hookers by the hair. The other sprayed him with pepper spray. It escalated...quickly.

The hotel I'm in here in Indy is arguably the worst Sheraton I've ever been in.
Seriously.
For most of the week there has only been one elevator working...
In a 20 story hotel.
Needless to day, the elevator usually stops on every floor, and at times it's packed.
I do love seeing peoples faces when a really crowded elevator stops and the door opens...
The see me and everyone does the math on square footage needed inside the very full box, and what my entrance would do to the critical mass of the elevator.
"I'll take the next one..."
And a huge sigh of relief from everyone within...
More than half of the television channels don't work.
The housekeepers miss at least one or two elements during daily service...
Never replaced the used towels, bed mostly made - left the pillows on the floor... Stuff like that.
There is construction going on in the parking garage, and there are chunks falling out of the ceiling, several of them landing on my car...

And the fun one this morning...
As I waited for elevator, a maintenance man knocked at a guest room door near the elevator lobby...
Knock knock knock...
"Maintenance!"
Knock knock.
"Maintenance. Is anyone there?"
Knock knock.
"Maintenance! Hello?"
Maintenance guy taps his keycard on the door and opens it up.
From inside the room:
"DUDE! WHAT THE FUCK!!" from an angry guest.
"Sorrysorrysorry..." Maintenance guy closes the door shaking his head...
"Damnit. I hate it when that happens." he says.

'When that happens'? Like it happens all the time?

And the lesson a prudent Constant Reader should learn?:
Always use the deadbolt, and doorchain/latch on hotel room doors.

Every fucking time.
(I do, ever since the hotel gave my room to another guest and someone tried to move in to my room at 1am and got a very rude greeting by a marginally clothed angry ogre...
I doubt he ever got over that image.)

TBG - - [Exit - Pursued by a disgusted hotel housekeeper]

Catching Up: Rimward & Rio Stuff

Just before I left for Rio, I got a goodie from my man OldNFO.

He sent me copies of his newest stuff- Specifically Rimward:Stranded and part of his newest offering from The Grey Man series.
With Rimward, Jim is venturing into the Mil/SciFi genre with both feet.
Rimward:Stranded was a very fun read- for a short story it was detailed and technical enough to keep the reader's interest, and I liked both his characters and his story pacing.
Great stuff Jim-
More! More!
It's up on Amazon- a tiny investment for a great read... Constant Readers are encouraged to check it out, and encourage OldNFO to continue his work in the genre.
Go get some HERE.

Rio-centric stuff:

Zika. Seriously.
Everyone asks about Zika...
I have yet to see a Zika-carrying mosquito during my visit.

Doesn't mean they're not here, but I think they (Rio Mozzie Control) are doing a very effective mosquito control program in the Barra and other touristy places.
Today I'm at Athletics at Olympic Stadium in Maracanã...
Yikes- this neighborhood is kinda scary- and probably not as well maintained as Barra. But we spent 45 minutes outside waiting on our arena contact and never got a bite, so I have to wonder.

But- here's the low-down on the indigenous mozzies:




The Anopheles Mosquito

The Anopheles mosquito has gained quite a reputation worldwide. This is because it is the only species of mosquito that is capable of transmitting malaria. While the Anopheles mosquito has gained itself a lot of popularity due to the ever increasing spread of malaria around the globe, few realize that this species is also responsible for the spread of Filariasis and Encephalitis. It's a nondescript blood-sucker in a plain brown wrapper...

The Culex Mosquito

The Culex mosquito is not as well known as the Anopheles mosquito. It however can transmit a number of deadly diseases. Like the Anopheles mosquito, the Culex mosquito is responsible for the spread of Filariasis and Encephalitis. In addition to these two diseases, the Culex mosquito can also carry the West Nile virus.

The Aedes Mosquito

The Aedes mosquito is known to transmit Yellow fever, Dengue and Encephalitis. Today however, this mosquito has made headlines with the newest virus that it transmits: the Zika virus!

Aedes Aegypti is a larger-than average mozzie with very distinctive coloring...
Watch for the tell-tale black and white markings on the body and the outriggers.

Now, there have been some people here that have contracted Zika-
The head guy at the field shop (warehouse) contracted Zika and it was a horror story-
Body and joint pain, headaches, swelling, just terrible to hear the tale...
Seems that the people that contract it are the most sensitive and reactive to mosquitoes.
With Field Shop Guy, if there is a mozzie around, he goes to Defcon 1 until the threat is eliminated.

It is said that the guys at the IBC collect dead mosquitoes and keep them lined up on display as a warning to the other bugs...
I'll have to come up with a dead count when I come back, if I ever actually see any live Aedes Ageypti... I have seen a few Anopheles darlingi, but they were shooed away with a stern glance and harsh language.

Been enjoying a wide spectrum of caipirinhas during my sojourn here...
Had one down on the beach at a little beach shack called Pepe's... Great spot way down the beach from Barra.
There are a couple picturesque islands just off shore calling my name- or is it the cachaça?

TBG - - Exit - Pursued by a Barra hooker.

Rio - Expectations and Realities

I made it to Rio, despite United Airlines doing their best to screw me over yet again.

When I got notified of the flight delay I got on the horn and got rerouted, on an American 2-hop because that was the only way to get to Houston in time to make the Rio flight.
And of course my PreCheck didn't carry over so I got to join the hoi-polloi in the take-your-left-shoe-off, take-your-right-shoe-off, stick-em-in-box Hokey Pokey - at least we didn't do quite as much "guess whats in TBG's backpack" going through the x-ray. Zero status with AA, so I had the Shittiest Seat On The Plane on the way to Charlotte, and Charlotte to Houston wasn't much better. I won't be switching to American any time soon. FTMF

Charlotte Airport sucks, as does American Airlines in general.
Just sayin'.
Spent 90 minutes in Houston swilling three gin & tonics up in the United Lounge, getting my courage up to board the Rio flight...
Bulkhead seat on the aisle- Yay.
In the other two seats were two middle-aged Brazilian women who talked non-stop for 4 hours...
Neither spoke a word of English, which was just peachy for me.
What was really good was the one sitting next to me was about 5'2", so there was no crowding or fighting for the armrest.

I did sleep about 4 of the 10 flight hours, thanks to the generous pour of Hendricks Gin back in Houston.
Made Rio a few minuted ahead of schedule, skated through C&I with no problems, though I did have a bit of a scare with my baggage.
Because I was on American (spit) through Charlotte to Houston, then back on United to Rio there was some discussion whether I would have to claim my bags in Houston, then recheck them on United to get them to Rio safely.
At check-in in JAX the ticket agent said checking them all the way through would be no problem.
He printed the tags, I verified the flight numbers and carriers, (AA- JAX-CLT-IAH UA- IAH-GIG)
and they were off...
Because they started on American, they didn't get United 'Priority' tags, so my duffle bag (clothes) showed up on the 4th or 5th cart, but my equipment case never showed up on the carousel.
Oh shit.
I hate that- the feeling you get when your bag is late, and all the mental gymnastics you go through... Did it miss the flight? Did it get stolen? What will I do if it's stolen? I'll bet the baggage handlers just the other side of the wall have opened it and are divvying up my laptops right now?

Bags stop coming out, carousel quits moving.
Shit.
I head to the baggage service desk with about 20 other people. Looks like I'm not alone in my dilemma... Then I notice the oversize/weird baggage area- all the baby seats, surfboards, etc... Along with a familiar black Pelican case.
Woo hoo!
Okay- I'll take back some of the horrible shit I was thinking about the Rio baggage crew...

I headed out of Baggage Claim, found the guy with my name on his cardboard sign and we headed to his car.

I expected to be besieged by A. Aegypti as soon as I walked out of the airport.

(What I was expecting)
But oddly enough, I made it to the hotel relatively unscathed.

Rio traffic, on a scale of 1 to China rates about a 6- at least on the main roads from the Airport to the Barra area. Surprisingly sedate. Maybe because it was Sunday?

I got to the Hilton, then to my room, took a good nap to make up for the hours I missed on the plane, then went up for a nice libation at the poolside bar on the roof of the Hilton.


Oh, I love me a good caipirinha... This trip might be fun after all...

The rooftop pool...

More of a lap pool, but still might be a nice spot for a dip.

Nice view

(Click to see large view)
The Olympic site off on the Barra peninsula.


I'll leave you with a Sign of the Apocalypse - Rio Edition #1 -



From the Hilton- "Watch your step, Gringo."


TBG - [Exit- Pursued by Anopheles Darlingi]

Once Again, United Airlines Makes My Life Miserable

-or-
Busy Weekend, Fucked Up Flights

So once again, United is fucking me in the ass with 10 feet of shit-smeared wrought iron fencing.

I HAD a 3 hour afternoon flight to Houston and a long layover to to enjoy the United Club before my 11 hour flight to Rio.

But of course,  this morning I got this message:

So, into Houston at 9:25p.
Just in time to wave my Rio flight goodbye.

So... 
On the phone with the Premier Desk...
Now I'm on an earlier flight- 2 stops before I get into Houston just under the wire for my flight to GIG.

This is shaping up to be a great trip...

TBG - in a long TSA line because my Pre-Check number didn't transfer to my new ticket. Fuckers.

Every. Fucking. Time.

Turning Ugly in Toronto

....And we have 10,000 gallons pounds (thanks Jim) too much on fuel on the plane.
Looks like there will be a delay.
We only have a 40 minute connection time in DC...
I have a bad feeling about this.

Observations: Toronto

Lester Pearson sucks.
(The airport, not Lester himself. At least I assume. I've never met him.)
=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Canada C&I - Nexus is awesome.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Jeebus it's COLD!!
=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Downtown Toronto has some great undergound passages to get from one place to another... I assume some Torontonians don't see the sky between November and April.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=
If you're looking for good Chinese food downtown, Hong Shing on Dundas is a good place to go. If time and travel are not an issue, head out to Markham or Richmond Hill. Tell 'em Uncle Jay sent you.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=
In Toronto, even if you have a rental car, Uber is your friend. (At least for the moment.) Taxis and parking are stupid expensive.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=
There is a preponderance of Bernie '16, Feel the Bern, and Hillary! bumper stickers on Ontario-tagged cars.
Too many for my taste...
Tells me everything I want to know about the average Canadian's  Socialist/Progressive leanings.
Stay in your lane, assholes. We're trying to run and election down here south of 48 degrees. If you want a say in our politics, pony up, immigrate legally, and pay your fucking share of taxes down here.
Otherwise, STFU.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Did I mention it's fucking COLD here?
=-=-=-=-=-=-=
Good poutine is pretty good.
Bad poutine is fucking awful.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=
For a red meat fix downtown, Copacabana Rodizio on Adelaide St. can put you in a meat coma in short order.
The parmesan sirloin is amazing. And the cinnamon pineapple is to die for.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=
There is a dearth of signage at Lester Pearson... Hey airport authority, how about some signage on the train, the parking garages, and some of the smaller access roads.
=-=-=-=-=-=-=
F this place. I'm outta here.
It's too fucking cold.
TBG.

Tires, Weather & Conditions

I had been having a little issue with air pressure in the FJR in November and early December.
Before I went to Australia, the back tire would lose about 10lbs of air overnight.
Somehow the problem spread to the front tire over the holiday and on my return both tires were flat.

I keep a mini compressor in one of the panniers and was quickly back to pressure, but the front tire would drop 20 lbs in just a couple hours.

 Did you know you can buy motorcycle tires on Amazon for about 30% off what the dealers charge? Yeah-
One dealership said they install their tires free, but the same model tires were almost twice as expensive as the ones I had shipped in.
One wouldn't install customer-supplied tires on a bike at all, the third place I called said they'd do it but it would be $140/tire (basically 2 hours labor per tire).

 I rang up the guy who hunted down my electrical problem last year- He quoted me a flat $120 to do both including new stems.
Sold American!
So now the FJR has new shoes, and I don't spend 30 minutes pumping up my tires in the morning and before I head home from the office.

 Last week the temps were pretty moderate here in North Florida...
Highs were topping out in the high 70s- and surprisingly, all the two-wheeled SMTers had the same thought...
Yeah- love to see all the different bike styles lined up in front of the building...

Weather has deteriorated some this week-
Pretty cold this AM...
Constant Reader & proofreader-from-a-distance Luc shot me a note with a spelling correction (thanks dude) and we touched on my travel for this week as part of the conversation.
Luc's from Canuckistan, where he last saw his lawn in October and won't see real (local) dirt again until April.
I was lamenting that I was heading to Toronto in the AM which he found amusing.

Having just rode in from the Beaches in high 30-degree temps, I really didn't see how a couple days in Toronto would be any different that just staying in Jax.
I'm not sure he believed me...

TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

On The Launching Pad

9:00 pm Breakdown = Smooth
11:00 pm Packing = Easy
Turning down pleas to come out for more streetmeat and tequila at 2:30am = Difficult but not impossible.
3:30am Wakeup call = painful
4:00am Shuttle to Airport = more painful (buy some shocks for your damn van, Ese!)
Sitting in the United lounge at MEX waiting for my 7:55am flight = relaxing

Serially though- on my way outta here.
Can't wait to get back to the land of the free (stuff) and the home of the criminal immigrants.

TBG, United lounge #2
(I'm the one drinking flor de Cana at the bar at 5:45am - come say hi)

Nanny-Stating At Its Finest

If, during your travels, you find yourself in Mexico City and you take your life and your colonic health in your hands and venture to a restaurant, you will witness some world-class nanny stating.
Notice the table, set with the finest flatware produced in the local barrios, hand forged from old car batteries. The lovely servilletas, cute little napkins that only yesterday afternoon were gently used toilet paper being pulled from the wastecans in the restaurant's baño and meticulously rinsed and reformed into quilted napkins. The candle is a mix of beef tallow and porcine earwax sourced from the local Carnicero, mixed with a bit of bathroom urinal cake to give a 'pleasant' scent (or at least mask the acrid notes of  death and decay wafting through the open sewers next to the kitchen). The shining silver-colored plates will leach chromium and arsenic into your meal as they are actually circular cut-outs from the shielding used in retired X-Ray equipment and old iron lung machines...

What is MISSING, however, is the salero, the venerable and ubiquitous salt shaker found on every table from New York City (where you can't have a Big Gulp, but you can have a pound of kosher salt on the table) to the lowliest ресторан in Yakutsk Siberia,
removed by government 'request' back in 2013, in order to help curb obesity and hypertension in Mexico.

 

Want some salt to further cover up the taste of spoiled rat meat or waaaaay out of date processed poultry by-products that is skating around your slightly-radioactive plate in a thin sheen of pepper sauce and heavily used 10w40 motor oil? Ask your camarera for the salt, pantomiming by shaking your hand over your plate. She will either misinterpret the gesture as a request for a handjob and quickly call her mother or younger sister hoping to make a quick 160 pesos, or make a correct deduction and waddle off to get your salt shaker. She'll deliver it to the table and wait impatiently, foot-tapping and eye-rolling, for you to finish sprinkling crystalized death over you food, then snatch it back off the table and deliver it back to the cabinet where salt, the cook's heroin, and the dish-washing staff's crystal meth are stored under lock-and-key...




Guess what? 
Want to cut down on salt consumption? Quit using so damn much of it in absolutely everything that is prepared for public sale. Everything I've eaten has had 150+% of the usual RDA of sodium...
I'm a salt fiend - I've been known to add salt to my Salt & Vinegar potato chips...
The only time I've need a bit of the old NaCl here is when I got a pair of rather dubious-looking sunny-side up eggs for breakfast yesterday morning.
(These eggs were, I estimate, older than my socks, based on the condition of the yolks.
The fresher the egg, the 'higher' the yolks stand... The things were concave- higher around the edges of the yolk than the center. Awful. Just appalling.)
Nothing else I have had to eat needed salt- not the 'hamburger', not the al pastor. Even the michelada had a ton of salt in it, in addition to the salt-and-chili mix on the rim of the glass. 

 
(Pic: Food Network)
(No Angry Orchard, Strongbow, Magners, MacKenzie's or anything else cider-like. A michelada is going completely the other direction though...Don't ask why. Seemed like a good idea at the time.)


So- where are we going with this?
So if the gummint decides something is bad for you (or the planet), and can request or mandate that it be removed from general access, where does it end?
New York knows. 
No large sodas. No styrofoam food containers.
No plastic bags.

How long before bacon goes away- the fatty, salty, smoky cured slice of death? 

How long until the outlawing of barbecue- because burned meat means carcinogens.
Will prohibition come back, when some SJW decides that the number of people killed by alcoholism and drinking-related activities (DUI, etc) is unacceptable?
Motorcycles - those seatbeltless rockets of death on two wheels - so much more dangerous than cars. Outlaw them!
Nanny is coming for everything you love.

Start hoarding the bacon now.

TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Asking The Right Questions

-AND-
 Understanding the answers.

 Heading to Mexico City on Friday...
All that tequila ain't gonna drink itself, y'know.

One of the reasons I like going to Mexico City is the street food, and I'm really looking forward to a little shithole around the corner from the hotel I'm staying in...
The place is called Tacos Don Guero...

 It's a little al pastor place in a renovated garage... I did a rundown on it last year...
Read original story here.

One of the real dangers is that cone-o-meat...
The first night I went there I had a translator with me.
Kinda like watching commercial sausage or hot dogs being made, you don't want to know what is in the giant cone-o-meat.

Yours Truly: "Ask him what kind of meat is in the al pastor"
Translator: "¿Qué tipo de carne está en el al pastor? Es carne de cerdo o pollo?"
Masetro Del La Plancha: (Laughs)
T:"¿Es el caballo?"
MDLP:"Usted desea que era caballo. Le gustaría que fuera carne de burro."
T: "¿Entonces que es?"
MDLP:"Es una mezcla de rata, el perdedor del perro pelea de la noche anterior, y las chicas de Europa del Este que no mantenga la respiración muy bien."
 T:"Ah. Bueno."
YT: "So, what is it?"
T: "He says it is chicken." 

 Sometimes you're better off not knowing.


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Notes From Steerage Class

So, I'm often asked why our company sends us poor fools around the world in coach class seating.

This is why.




TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Morning Hate

I hate traffic.

All For Me?

I get a three - across all to myself on the way home...

Luxury!

Just for the Record

(Just spent several hours enjoying "hospitality" at Beijing Capital Airport.)

I am getting to the point that I hate airports, airlines, airport personnel, airline employees, airline passengers, aircraft, and air travel in general.

I'd take the train everywhere if I hadn't found bedbugs on me during the trip on Amtrak in February...

Time for some serious decision-making.

More in 15 to 17 hours.

TBG

On Pins & Needles

Heading to Beijing on Wednesday...
I'm a little concerned with the event and my ability to work the contract deliverables-
I sent all my equipment to the project principal in May for them to cross ship to China in their container.

Guess where the container is/was last week?

Tianjin.

I'm hoping that the container makes it to Beijing...
Hope, however, doesn't pay the bills, so I will be hand-carrying some extra equipment when I go, just in case the container (and my stuff) was blown to smithereens.

It's always something...

TBG