I Am NOT The Man With Whom To Fuck

"Hey Big Guy...
tell us something about that latest trip to Shanghai."

Jeebus, where to begin.

Well, this year the cameraman that covered the player walkouts for the broadcaster is a slight Spaniard named Juan.

We usually stand together for about five minutes waiting for the players and the ATP Tournament Managers to arrive, then we walk out for introductions before start of play.

I'm usually there because we transition a semi-public area where high-end sponsors can stand and watch the behind-the-curtain pre-match ritual.
Part of the percs of being a title sponsor at a 1000-series ATP event...
It would be bad for some crazed fan to rush a player to get an autograph/selfie when the players have their war faces on...

So... while we wait, I usually shoot the breeze with CameraDude.
Except this year the usual CameraDude (Skippy) isn't there. Juan is the videojockey.

He is on headset with the Director in the TV Truck...

As we chat,  he gets the thousand-yard stare then he points the camera at my face.

I can tell he is getting some instruction from the director and it doesn't look like good news...
He keeps the camera on me as he relays the conversation.

Juan CameraDude: "uh...From the director I have a message."
Yours Truly: *raised eyebrow stare*
JCD: "He says that you are the big man but he can...-his words- kick your ass."
YT: "(scoff) I'm sure."
JCD: "He is saying this. Not me."
YT: "Players coming. We'll pick this up another time." I give the camera the forked-fingers to the eyes 'I'm watching you' gesture and we walk the players out to the floor.

This exchange escalated daily... Always started by Director via JCD.

JCD: "The Director...I'm sorry, he says to tell you he will be...opening the can of Whip Ass? on you.."
Points camera at me to get reaction.
YT: "Really. Well... tell him his won't be the first snot-nosed TV-dweeb ass I have kicked, but he can be the next."

And things escalated...

JCD: "Director- he wants to know if you are ready for your ass kicking."
YT: "This is getting tiresome... Tell him to bring a sandwich, a cold drink and a band-aid 'cause I'm going to be hungry and thirsty after I'm done whipping his ass."

Later...

JCD: "Director would like to know what kind of flowers your widow would like."
YT: "Tell him when we tangle, I'm gonna knock one of his lungs loose... I'll be on him like rust on a pump handle."

Now in the old days TV trucks were man-territory- very few of the fair sex were in the production vehicles or on the PL circuit. Now, there are women everywhere...And as some of my more colorful and creative comebacks are quite, uh... descriptive, I was a bit apprehensive to really rip into him, but after a little reflection, any woman in a TV truck has probably got some pretty thick skin and has probably heard some pretty bad stuff.

So, by the end of the week I had a great script running through my mind for our final confrontation...

JCD: "Uh, Sir. The Director. He says you are obviously the little girl, and he has won the war with you. He has lost all respect as he can insult you and you will not face him."
YT: "Hm." I address the camera directly- "Hey Director Man- I hope you wore your pretty pink panties today... After I do this walk-out, I'm coming out to the truck and I'm going to bitch-slap you silly, then knee-walk you to the middle of the broadcast compound, bend you over and have my way with you, and I'll sell your ass to any takers for 5 kuai a pop. You're going to fly back to Australia with a size 14 poop-chute and knot on your head so big it's gonna need it's own postal code."
JCD: "*speechless*" then  "In the truck, they are all laughing."
YT: "Laugh it up, ladies. I'm gonna tear into him like a stray dog into a restaurant dumpster." 

We do the final walk-out and I have a cold drink, then head out to TV Land.

TV Trucks aren't made for Ogres to pass through silently and stealthily, so I embrace my entrance.

I fill the doorway on my entrance... The guys on the back bench have a deer-in-the-headlights look.

YT: "Where is that piss-ant motherfucker who needs a mudhole stomped into his ass?"
One of the Back Benchers: "Oh shit... Someone better call 999."

The closest one half-heartedly points toward the front bench.
I stomp past them up to the front.

As I arrive, a long rally is just beginning, so no switching will be needed...

The three guys on the front bench look up and the two on the right point to the guy on the left.

Front Bench Guys: "He's the one who thinks he can kick your ass..."
YT: (*loudly cracks knuckles*) "I've been waiting all week for this... Are you ready, Little Man?"

Director stands up and faces me... I tower over him....
A long moment passes. The truck is deadly silent.
Finally we both break into a laugh and have a firm and hearty handshake and bro hug- 

YT: "Dude! Good to see you... Sorry I couldn't make it our earlier."
Director: "Absolutely... Glad you could make it out. Drinks tonight after we get back to the hotel?"
YT: "Absolutely... See you tonight."

The entire truck is agog.  Their hearts start beating again and are all grinning and breathing a sigh of relief.

The Director (Guy from Gearhouse) and I ran into each other at the hotel on the day before the tournament started and laid the groundwork for this... 

He had been playing it up inside the truck all week.

Most of the guys in the truck were at the bar that night- 

Guy had done a masterful job leading everyone on, and when I went out there they were absolutely certain that I was going to rend him into little Director bits...
We all played it perfectly.

Poor Juan, though...

He had to relay all the messages every day and he was absolutely sure I was going to take my anger out on him...

Not my best prank, as practical jokes go, but probably one of our most successful ones.

No one injured, no property damage, and some good old-fashioned trash talk...

Good times... Good times.

TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Shit Stirring

So... Wearing this around Jacksonville would probably earn me
an earnest talking-to...

But when I go to Australia...... Hmmm.



TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

One of Those Weeks

TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

FTMF - Bill Clinton Edition

It seems like
1) Bill Clinton hasn't learned from that "...the definition of is is" and "I never had sexual relations with that woman" episode way back when...

and

2) No one gives a shit that the Clintons are a bunch of lying, conniving, greedy, motherfuckers. They will still vote for her.

Watch Billy Jeff on Bloomberg.com - Politics- start about 4:45 in- he tapdances all around the subject-
Money quote: "Has anybody proved that we did anything objectionable? No."
Hell- watch the whole thing and look at his body language.
He's lying his ass off.

And this is what we'll wind up with back in the White House if we don't wake up and smell what they are shoveling...


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
(Edit: spelling- post in haste, spellcorrect at leisure)

Rules - The Follow Up

A few days back I had a post regarding rules that suggested most were due to dire circumstances or mortal lessons...

This is one of those occasions:


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Loaded Questions: PGA Tour Pros, Champions & LPGA Players Will Vote For Clinton?

From the "You've gotta be shitting me" Department

You will see headlines that read something like -
"PGA Tour Pros voting Clinton!!"
 This is an unmitigated crock of shit...
Sports Illustrated & Golf.com does an anonymous survey of a bunch of golf-centric topics: overrated players, does the ball go too far, Best/worst course on the tour, greatest golfer, etc.
But... They went way out of their way to craft a question that would garner the results the media could use to the advantage of the Clinton Machine...

And such a bullshit question:

"If Hillary Clinton could guarantee your taxes would be cut in half, but the Republican presidential candidate would keep them the same, would you vote for her?"

Are you fucking kidding me? Can you ask a more dishonest question in order to advance your agenda?

Results: Yes 57%  No: 43%

And their 'Loose lips" comment:
"If she ever said that, she'd be lying."

Really? Y'Think?

F'ing morons.


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

OMD and the Infernal Machine

Old Money Dog is outraged!



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Psychopath or Sociopath?

It's important to know the difference...

Do YOU know the difference?

Characteristics of a sociopath are as followed:

1. Sociopaths are very charming.
2. Sociopaths can be extremely manipulative and will try to con you whenever possible.
3. Sociopaths feel that they are entitled to everything.
4. Sociopaths will lie continuously to get what they want. They can even sometimes manipulate a lie detector.
5. Sociopaths have no remorse, shame or guilt.
6. Sociopaths will show love and happiness only when it serves their purpose. None of the feelings are genuine.
7. Sociopaths have no room for love in their life.
8. Sociopaths need to have excitement in their lives or live on the edge.
9. Sociopaths have lack of empathy when their victims suffer pain that they have caused.
10. Sociopaths believe that they are all mightier than thou, there is no concern on how their behavior impacts others.
11. Sociopaths usually have a long history of juvenile delinquency as well as behavior problems.
12. Sociopaths will never take blame for anything they have done to anyone no matter if it is family or friend.
13. Sociopaths have many sexual partners and tend to act out many sexual acts.
14. Sociopaths rarely stay in one place for a long time (home/work).
15. Sociopaths will change themselves if they know it will keep them from being found out.

Wow. 9 for 15. Hmmm.

Characteristics of a psychopath are as followed:

1. Psychopaths use superficial charm to lure their victims.
2. Psychopaths are extremely self-centered.
3. Psychopaths must always do something to keep themselves from boredom.
4. Psychopaths are very deceptive and tend to lie continuously.
5. Psychopaths show no remorse of guilt towards their victims.
6. Psychopaths are very predatory and usually will live off other people.
7. Psychopaths have many sexual partners in their lifetime.
8. Psychopaths are very impulsive with their lifestyle.
9. Psychopaths are always blaming other people for their actions.
10. Psychopaths never have a realistic view of their lives. (king of the world or from another planet)
11. Psychopaths always want psychological gratification in sexual and criminal activities.
12. Psychopaths tend to try suicide, rarely succeeding. 

 3 of 12.... Hmmm again.

Hint: Being from the US and owning a metric shitload of firearms doesn't make me a psychopath...
But calling me one will bring out the sociopathic tendencies in me and will cause you great embarrassment, discomfort and ridicule...

TBG

This Pretty Much Sums Up Oz...

(Lifted from Imgur)



I'm never leaving the office again.


TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Obstinate

Ms. Bosalina Sassafras (a/k/a Bosie or The Bear) has begun to show a new behavior...
I call it "The Black Shuck"

If she is outside, ostensibly to assist with taking the trash out or to help me cover my motorcycle, when it is time to come in she just selects a spot and sits (or lays) down, staring me down until I have to come out and tender a formal invitation to go back inside.
Night or day- no matter.


The accusatory glare.
"Don't just stand there gawking - go get a tennis ball and throw it for me."



"I can wait all day."


The scary one...

Actually, there may really be a Black Shuck in the neighborhood.
I didn't notice it until The Perfect Child pointed it out...


Holy crap.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Gorram (Progressive) Kids...

Now get off my lawn.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Stereotypes

And I ain't talking Marantz vs Kenwood, either.

I've had the idea for a post scurrying around in the wide open spaces found twixt my ears for a couple weeks.
Problem is, I can't put it to words and post it as it could be considered, if taken without proper context, as be quite raaaacist.

I can give you the gist- I was in Shanghai and this year the traffic, especially the large numbers of near-accidents and offensive driving incidents was markedly higher than in previous years.
It's not hard to imagine why- think of the worst stereotype about Asian drivers in the US, then imagine driving in a place that was populated by ONLY these kind of drivers.
All the time.
And if you carry the stereotype of Asian drivers to the next quantum level, segregating by gender,it is no surprise which sex gets the nod as being worst than the other.
And by obvious extrapolation, half of the total drivers in Shanghai are the stereotypically worst type.

(I hope I have been sufficiently vague-but-obvious...If not, ring me up and we'll chat.)

So I have been noodling that for a good bit...
But today/tonite's flight has been quite an eye opener, stereotype-wise.

I have been on several airlines that are geared to one nationality or another over the course of my job...
US Carriers that cater to bacon-eating, gun owning, loud, fat, ugly Americans such as Yours Truly...
I was on JAL - a carrier that tailors their passenger jets in a configuration lat enables them to stuff 4 or 5 salarymen into a space that would normally fit one of the afore-mentioned bacon-eating Americans...
(And let me tell you, that was a miserable center-seat nightmare.)
And I was on the ANA flight a few weeks back in a center seat built for Taiwanese nationals. And it was pure joy, if you will recall...

But tonight... Wow. UAE-based Etihad Airlines.

I have never been looked at with such smouldering animosity for 20 hours...
Both on the plane and here in the terminal waiting for my next hop to Kuala Lumpur.
On the whole trip, in line to board, one the flight itself, getting off in Abu Dhabi, hanging out in teh terminal...

I thought I might have had one of CJ's "Pork-Eating Infidel" t-shirts on for the number of hateful looks I was getting just for being a 'Murican on a Middle East flag carrier.

Really- from the looks I'm getting you'd think I was walking around with a paintbrush and a 5 gallon bucket of pig fat, anointing all flat surfaces I come in contact with...

And that is not the worst of it- I have found an out-of-the-way spot to kill the 6.5 hour layover and do my favorite thing- people watch - and man, it's quite entertaining.

I thought I was the only one getting the looks-that-could-kill-if-I-had-a-block-of-C4-and-a-kindergartener-to-tape-it-to...
Oh no- any Westerner here gets a "fuck you infidel pig" treatment- and the worst recipients - any Western woman- and the more attractive, the nastier the looks and reactions.
You can practically read the minds of the typical Middle Eastern male:
"Western whore! How dare you dress like that to tempt and titillate me! Get out of my presence, but hey- Abdul- check out her cleavage before she goes..."

Fuck this entire place.
Cannot wait to get outta here.


TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

On Second Thought...

...Don't.

Hey Road Warriors-

I know this is tempting, but you could probably drive some Honduran housekeeper into apoplexy with this kind of shit.



Don't do it.

Except maybe on your last day when you've been living in a Russian bordello.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Um, Yeah, I Guess...

From our "Don't spend too much time thinking about it" Department:



TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Subtle. Very Subtle.

Whoever did this is evil.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Food: San Antonio

So after being in San Antonio for a couple days, I have been inundated with TexMex and Bar-B-Que.
This I have no problem with...
But Man does not live by Carnitas & Rib Tips alone...

I heard about an Italian place in North SA that needed looking into.
Dough - Pizzeria Napoletana

"When they thought about what type of pizzeria they wanted the restaurant to be, they focused on Italy, specifically Naples, Italy. They knew they wanted to bring the oven from Italy, the menu to be focused on Southern Italian cuisine and the wines - all Italian. Whether people grew up in Italy, traveled there, or just love Neapolitan style pizza, they wanted to make Dough everyone's go to place for their pizza craving!"

(from their website)

Man! Winner.
They make their own burrata, a fresh Italian cheese, made from mozzarella and cream. The outer shell is solid mozzarella while the inside contains both mozzarella and cream, giving it an unusual, soft texture.

I had the Burrata Napolitana.
It. Was. Amazing.


If you are in the area, go.
'Nuff said.

-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-=-

And another little slice of hell I found at a CVS while on walkabout during the bomb scare this afternoon...


Really, Nestlé?
Why are you so evil?

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

6 Words

Don't you think she looks tired?



And hospitalized for a blood clot near her (so called) brain?
My my.
Spread the word.

(h/t to Midwest Chick!)
TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE