Last Week - They Call It 'Golf' Because 'Fuck!' Was Already Taken.

Last week, in between trips to Chicago and burning Midnight Oil to prep equipment for Rio '16, I had an opportunity to get my clubs out and do a little swingin'...
Something I haven't done in YEARS. Like at least 6 years- maybe more.

Now, don't get me wrong, I LIKE golf, I just don't have the time to enjoy it like I used to.
Back in the day ('94-'95) I played at least once a week...
But just because I don't play, doesn't mean I can't play.

So, because the stars were aligned and all was right with the world, I was at this nice little club in NE Georgia with 100 of my closest friends (at least in April they are my friends...) and we proceeded to hack up the tees, fairways and greens with great abandon... I did remove my 12 Iron (the Mossberg) from the bag in order to adhere to Club requirements.
After all, it's wasn't going to be a shotgun start that day...

One person in our little band of duffers is a certain NFO some Constant Readers might recognize from his walrus mustache or his Grey Man series...

Jim's Group

Dr. Jolly, OldNFO, and The Sabatinis. Nice folks all.

Jim's Practice Swing

"Keep pointin' that damn camera at me and you'll be snappin' pictures of your colon. I don't care how big you are."

Jim fires his tee shot down the first fairway


1 Fairway

Kind of overcast that day, but it was still pretty awesome.
Looks a little odd without several hundred people lining the edges of the fairway or the big scoreboard on the right...


About 2:30 it was my group's turn to take the tee...

Peter, Pat G, Marisa and Yours Truly

A little later on we waited for our turn on the par 3 Hole #4...


Laying up on 13. (Hey! Where are all the azaleas?)
Back on 13, I was hitting my 3rd stroke up onto the green from this location...
I had crushed the tee shot then played it safe and laid up short because of the creek, snakes and bunkers...

Yes, Snakes...
Like this little jewel - a tightly wound copperhead just off the path up to the 13th Green...




It wasn't all just birdies, pars and bogies (or double bogies, or snowmen)... In addition to golf, they threw a nice little luncheon outside the clubhouse for us...




Tasty vittles all around.

Fried Chicken, Burgers, Brats, Gumbo... Mmmmm. Tasty!


What did I shoot?
Let's just say, in the spirit of mystery that surrounds the Tradition Unlike Any Other, my score was "Just enough."


TBG - -[Exit- Pursued by Agkistrodon contortrix]

A Few Thoughts From Last Week

1. I learned I can drive past Brunswick / Saint Simon's Island twice and my motorcycle doesn't automatically exit the highway and streak like a BBQ-seeking missile toward Demere Rd.

2. The pollen in the CSRA will (and did) destroy contact lenses.


Micrograph of CSRA pollen.

3. If your contact lenses start hurting, TAKE THEM OUT NOW.

4. Weathermen don't know shit about weather.

5. A copperhead snake can turn a 6' sprinkler salesman into a little girl.



6. There is no 6

7. After 7 days on a diet consisting strictly of of pimento cheese sandwiches, egg salad sandwiches, industrial-strength BBQ sandwiches, and  Krispy Kreme donuts, do not -under penalty of an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction- trust a fart.

8. No running. Ever.
Best actual quote ever:
"I don't care if you're being chased by a six-foot-nine naked guy with an erection and a butcher knife- NO RUNNING." - from a cop in the parking lot in 2011

9. "What 'cha doing there?" is the Number 1 frequently asked question this week.

10. "Collecting data for the use of the Tournament" is the #1 answer. Vague and Infuriating, to be sure. (It is a tradition unlike any other. Heh)

11. If you make something foolproof, only a fool will be able to use it.

12. 30% of the people eat 80% of the doughnuts

13. Plastic cups from Augusta actually count as currency in some social circles.



14. If you fuck up or fuck off badly enough, even a good Cuban cigar will not save you from the wrath of the Volunteer Coordinator. (He's an unstable cuss.)

15. If you arrive early enough, parking isn't a problem.

16. In Augusta GA, "Because I said so." is a perfectly acceptable answer when Questioning Authority. Further question said Authority can result in incarceration. Or worse.

17. Do not attempt to use your GPS to get anywhere in Augusta between 6 AM and 8 PM on thefirst week of April.

18. Friends will help you move. Real friends will help you move bodies. Exceptional friends will trudge up and down 11 fairway for hours and hours, and still come back the next day with a smile.

19. If you mix the pink shit and the brown shit with a little of the blue shit, it's almost drinkable.
(But save all 3 cups. See #13.)

20. Don't piss off Susan.

TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Golf Stuff: Best comments regarding Ernie Els' 7-putt on Hole 1 at the 2016 Masters

His caddy was just standing there like ... "well, there goes my paycheck for the week"

I usually start the "one of us!" chant, but fuck, that's not even one of us, man.

This will go down with the biggest disasters of all time.... Challenger explosion.... Chernobyl.... Ernie Els opening hole of 2016 Masters.

He will henceforth be known as Ernie "Motorboatin'" Els...  putt-putt-putt-putt-putt-putt-putt

Since breaking the club into 2 or 3 pieces and throwing it in the nearest trash can would be as unacceptable as tossing it into the nearest lake at Augusta, I would calmly walk over to a child in the audience and give it to them, then putting with literally any other club for the rest of the round.

The elusive Sextuple bogey!

Gawd that was painful to see...


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Are My Values That Skewed?

I read an article today citing a poll of golfers and what's they'd be willing to do to play a round at Augusta...  (Full Article Here)

REVEALED: WHAT GOLFERS WOULD DO FOR A ROUND AT AUGUSTA NATIONAL

A round at Augusta National. It is pretty much every golfer’s dream isn’t it? In a recent Twitter poll 44% of those questioned (283 golfers) said they’d move the most expensive day of their lives to accommodate it.

With the average wedding costing north of £30,000 ($43,000 - TBG) according to Brides Magazine it is safe to say that golfers value a round at the host venue of The Masters pretty highly.

And it isn’t just weddings that might suffer for that elusive tee time, 34% said they’d miss their child’s birthday to fit in a round. So, with more than 70% of the votes, it would be safe to say that a date at Augusta National is worth more than some potential strife at home.

Despite the potential cost of moving a wedding being a large one, golfers weren’t happy to put their money where their mouth is with just 10% of respondents willing to part with a year’s salary. With UK average salaries now around £26,500 ($38k - TBG) (via Office for National Statistics), a round at this Georgia’s most magnificent golfing masterpiece could cost you more than £6,500 ($9,300-TBG) an hour (presuming a four hour round). At this hourly rate you’d be nearly in the leagues of Wayne Rooney (£6,770 an hour)* or Cristano Ronaldo (£7,800 an hour)*. So, I guess the benefit of this is that you’ll now know what it feels like to spend it like a footballer, even if it means you don’t have anything left for the rest of the year.

Now, for those people that know golfers you’ll be very surprised by this number. 12% of those asked said they’d be willing to give up golf after their round. Happy in the knowledge that they’d played the best course they could. Their spikes (soft we hope, so not to mess up the lovely greens), hung up. Their clubs now on eBay and their weekends now free. I guess the only reason why this might be believable is that there probably wouldn’t be enough time for them to play golf, they’d be spending all of their free time telling people about “…the time I played Augusta National…my 8 on 12 was the greatest 12 you’d ever see…”

So, there you have it, from changing wedding days to giving up golf, it turns out a round at Augusta National is something golfers would do almost anything for.

Astute Constant Readers (God love all four of you) might remember that it really wasn't that big of a deal for me to miss out playing ANGC last May...
So I have to ask, am I that fucked up that, although disappointing, it wasn't The End Of My Existence to miss out playing at that well-manicured lawn?


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Back, Again

Sorry about the long hiatus-

Just returned from another successful golf project at that nice club in Georgia.

I had a change of position this year-
Up until this year I was Project Mangler and Keeper of the Pile, this time I was a Volunteer (taking vacation to attend) and Staff Wrangler...
Fun fun.

For reference, to get an idea on how this project has waned and waxed over the year,
this is the Wall of Shame in my office:

The signatures are all the volunteers that work on my 12 years on the project...

Still some of the same tasks and responsibilities- but an added perk this year-
I'll get to play the course this year during the play-day for volunteers in mid May.

It'll be kind of wasted on me... I can golf, but I'm atrocious.
(I'm so bad, the only club I've needed to get re-gipped is my ball retriever. Heh.)
So we'll see what happens.
(And no, I can't give my slot to someone else... I tried- no joy, so don't bother asking.)

So, on to bigger (but not better) things...

Let me leave you with this...
From our "What Could Possibly Go Wrong?" File:




TBG - - ΜΟRONS Everywhere

AAR - Singapore - Dinner

We arrived at the same time- Mark's a big ol' boy from Georgia (State of, and a UGA grad to boot) who works for a big intentional manufacturer.
We did cause a bit of a stir- two 6'+ Americans invading a little local joint...

Good conversation, good food-
We selected 5 or so dishes- One of the highlights of the meal was the KungPo (Gōngbǎo) chicken (which is so different that what you get in the 'States...)

You had to go prospecting through the dried chilies to find the nuggets of fiery chicken.
Sooo good.

The other highlight was the spicy ribs-


Amazing... Spicy, meaty ribs.
Man, I wish I could find a place in the 'States that does ribs like this...
They reminded me of the ribs at DinShuiDong in Shnaghai.
Remember these?


After dinner I folded myself into a cab and headed back to the hotel... It was almost 10pm-
I set my alarm with following schedule in mind:

5:30 Alarm
6:00 Breakfast
6:30 Walkabout
7:30 SSS
8:30 Head to the Arena.

Tomorrow was going to be another bite in the ass...


TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

AAR - Singapore

The site survey to Singapore sucked out loud...

That's not fair... Singapore is a cool city. The folks I met were really nice and went waaaay out of their way to be helpful- and in my dubious state of repair, I really appreciated their help.
If I had more time to see the city it would have been even better.

So, to rephrase: Getting to and from Singapore was a monumental bite in the ass, and I spent more time traveling than I did on the ground.
Not (never ever) doing that again.
(He said, emphatically, knowing full well that if They ask, and schedules dictate that kind of itinerary, his happy ass will damned-well be back in that middle seat for the Good Of The Company.
But my gung-ho Japanese salaryman spirit is slowly being ground to dust.)

I arrived just after noon at Changi and after finally getting through customs (33 minutes- gah) I hit up Uber for a ride...
(Have you tried Uber yet?
If you take taxis occasionally, I really suggest you look into Uber.
I have a long post coming up regarding this...)
Minutes later I was in a car heading into the city, skipping the 30-person deep queue for regular taxis.
Arriving at the hotel grabbed a quick shower and changed clothes. I really wanted to snooze, but I knew better. That way lies madness and completely fucked up time sense that takes weeks to recover from.
I went walkabout near the hotel, just needing to find an ATM to get some local dinero and a convenience store for in-room beverages.
There is not shortage of interesting signs around S'pore (as it is popularly abbreviated)...


And I took a wander thorough the Maxwell Street food market.

Lots of goodies on the menu there... Yeah. Not eating here.


One thing I didn't get a picture of was the most popular kiosk in the joint- the Hainanese Chick Rice stand... There was at least 50 people in line and they were serving up the most uninspired dish of off-color rice to everyone.
Most of the tables were fully populated and seemed to have the same array of food for the 3 to 6 people at each table:
One plate of beige rice (assuming the coloring is from the chicken element) for each person, and one communal plate of large-diced chicken that looked pretty bland. Add a large tumbler of boba tea for each person and you pretty much have it.
Weird.
After my 3-hour walkabout I was pretty drenched- it was 95 degrees, 100% humidity and overcast. I took another shower and prepared to head out to dinner
One of my volunteers from the Masters A Nice Golf Course lives in Singapore, so in advance of the trip we arranged dinner for Sunday night... He selected a Szechuan place not too far from the hotel.

Up Next - Dinner

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

*It has left me seriously considering dumping United as my preferred airline. An informal poll of the other traveling staff at The Company has revealed that only one in four is a StarAlliance/United victim. Most everyone else uses Delta/Skymiles. There is a smattering of OneWorld, but it seems Delta is the way to go.

Biting the Bullet...

...As opposed to firing them.
(They are too damn expensive and scarce to shoot these days.)

So, I need to get back on the saddle and kick out some content...

(This being said after the third email I've received asking what was wrong, what's happened, why haven't you put anything up lately, etc.)

Truth is, I just haven't been motivated enough to cough up the words.
I have plenty of opinions, but writing up why the current political situation is so repellent to me, or why some or other social convention is so stupid is just not worth my time...

But- there are other observations to make, other stuff to share- so....


Let's ease back in to this... A little current events-

First- recent history-
I was up in Augusta at the nice golf course and things went passably well.
And... that's about all I can say about that.

While I was gone I sent the Japanese Space Vehicle into the shop for some much needed maintenance. The machine has been getting harder and harder to start, especially when the engine was warm- usually an indicator that a valve job is needed.
Flush and fill on the cooling system, oil change (which I'd usually do myself), and a valve job (which I can't do myself). $1,500 later I am back on two wheels.
It was a little steep, but lacking the time and talent involved in getting it done- screw it- I'll pay for it.
Let's see- what else...

Stuff I'm starting to get worried about: Smart Home Appliances...
I keep hearing about smart appliance that will be able to communicate different bits of information- the 'fridge texting you to say you're out of milk, etc.

This cannot be a good trend...















I'm really not ready for technology that is smarter than I am... Between the Woman, the Perfect Child, and the Dark Menace, I have enough of an inferiority complex as it is...

All right... I'll try to keep this thing churning as much as I can...

Some content from Daily Dot

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Good One...

Quote of the Week
(So far...)

We were pulling out of a parking lot this evening when a delivery vehicle came blazing by, cutting us off.

As he passed by we saw the cartop sign for Jimmy Johns sandwich shop.
Our resident propeller-head piped up.

"Wow... He *was* going freaky fast."

Very impressive, young Skywalker...

TBG

Listen Up...

I have a propensity for using comparatives when speaking...
One of my favorites I picked up years ago at The Masters. I had an opportunity to use it here in London this morning.
Unfortunately I used it on St.Ass, and due to the twin-threat of my mumbling, and his English-as-a-second language, the exchange wasn't a clean of it might have been.

St.Ass (in thick Russian accent) "...so zhey arrre now serrrving zhe wonderrrful brrrreakfast at zhe commissarry."

Yours Truly: "Awesome. I'm on it like a rat on a cheeto."

(Very puzzled look from St.Ass)

SA: "Zhe rrrat on zhe what?"

YT: "A. Rat. On. A. Cheeto. You know- little yellow cheese puff?"

SA: "Ah! Cheeto. I zhought you cheeta. You know - big cat. I din't understand."

YT: (Trying to envision a rat on a cheetah, and how that would work out...Which devolved into a strange tableau involving Mickey and Chester Cheetah. Don't judge me.)

YT: "Uh... No. Cheeto. Not cheetah."

I walk out, still getting funny looks from St.Ass.



TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Stop Helping Me

With friends like these, who needs enemies?


Someone (Ed? Roach? Stick?) loaded the tripods for the Geos in the van,
setting them point-first on top of the cases, so they are directly behind the driver's (i.e Yours Truly) head.

Thus:

I got news for you- with a generous application of brakes those things would go through the driver barrier like tinfoil.

In some locations (Peru, Tibet, any US Airport) these things are
classified a deadly weapons...

You can see why.

First the carbon monoxide, now possible impalement.
Hmmm.
I wonder if someone is paying them?

Who could it be... ?

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Invasion

Somehow, Ball Position Central has been infiltrated by Ceramic Amphibians, and a raccoon.




Jurassic Frog

I guess it could be worse... At least the frogs are quiet.

They could be sending EvilTrons over here. Or carbon monoxide detectors.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Watson, You Know My Methods

I was taking inventory this morning, planning out how to run operations for today, and how to start our strike & pack out this afternoon, rather than waiting for the end of play to start boxing up systems & gear and packing the truck.

As I was musing over the details, SGK and 'Roach were busily doing their start-of-day routines in other parts of the trailer.

"Hmmm... I know what I need..." I said, talking to myself.
Roach chimes in: "A bottle of rum?!"
SGK: "A woman?"
Roach: "A gun?"
SGK: "A woman with a bottle of rum and a gun?"
TBG: "Jeebus. Y'all know me too well."




TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Opening a Can of GrabAss.

Mag & Bag at the Nice Golf Course is, in a word, ineffective. And it's getting a little weird.

At best it is relatively quick and un-invasive, and at most it's tedious...
The scan your badge (in case yours was "lost" or
"stolen"), then they search your bag if your carrying one, then the wand you...
They give your backpack or purse the most cursory of glances... If they should happen to notice the laptop they ask to see my "Registered for the Use of The Tournament" sticker.

The Wanding, however, is...uh...starting to get disturbing.
There is one woman that keeps maneuvering and manipulating the line so she gets to banter with The Big Guy...


Yeah. You wish.

Wacky Wanda: "Stand over here , Honey. Oooh, you're a big ol' boy."
Yikes.
WW: "Get a little closer, Honey, I won't bite ya. Much."
I assume the position: Arms out, car keys in one hand, cell phone in the other.
I show her the sticker on the phone and she wands me down.
WW: "Turn around Honey..." I face away from her and she continues the Security Kabuki Theater.
"Ok, you're good to go. I'll see YOU tomorrow!"

Yesterday the "turn around" was accompanied by a "Mmm mm mm!" noise of approval, which is a little disturbing since my derrière is about attractive as 4-day-old Georgia roadkill.

Today I got the same Seal of Approval, and to add morbid and creepifying to the mix, she gave me a whack on the butt with her metal detector wand as I was walking away...
WW: "There, a little extra pat down for you..."

Wow. Disturbing on many many levels.
Glad today is Tournament Sunday.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Sunrise

Number 13, Azalea



TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Practice Round Banter

The stress level is dropping out here at Secret Squirrel Central.

Our volunteers are getting back in the swing of things, data is flowing apace and all is well in Augusta.
The world, as Mr. Steinbeck would have said, is spinning in greased grooves.

Our topics of discussion, when we are not kvetching about software bugs undocumented features or hardware issues, range far and wide.

For instance...

SGK: "Hey, think about this... Macadamia Nut M&Ms."
Roach: "Walnut M&Ms. That's brain food."
SGK: "Pecans. Pecan M&Ms."
Yours Truly: "Hell, they have almond, peanut, peanut butter, dark chocolate...You'd think they could do macadamias.
Roach: "Yeah, but there'd only be 2 in a bag and they be six bucks per bag."
YT: "They had those great krispy M&Ms a while back. Loved those."
SGK: "PB&J M&Ms That'd be awesome."
YT: "I'm waiting for them to figure out how to fit an Oreo inside an M&M."

Amateurs discuss Strategy;
Professionals discuss Tactics;
Statisticians discuss where the next meal/snack is coming from.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

House of Disappointment and Rude Awakenings

My roomies and I are staying in the same house that we had last year.
(We usually rent several houses instead of a crapload of hotel rooms.)

This house, it is the epic fail.

On my first night here this year the doorbell was rung at about 2:30 AM...
I'm pretty sure it was one of our co-workers that were in one of the other houses in the neighborhood playing a little prank.
They ought to know better.
They've been warned now.

Last year there was a big note on the washing machine:
"Drain problems. Please open lid occasionally while machine drains so it does not overflow."

This year, the note was still in place...
So, with all the dough you got paid to rent your house for a week, you couldn't save $35.00 to have Roto-Rooter come out and snake your washing machine drain?
So... When you do a load of laundry, you need to listen for the spin cycle to start, drop what you're doing and run out to open the lid.

Personally, I'm not feeling an overwhelming need to keep the wash water from spilling on your floor, bud.

On a much more irritating note, we had a crew call for 6:45 AM on Monday, so we were figuring wheels-up at 6:30 and adjusted our wake up schedule accordingly.
My alarm was set for 5:30.

As Murphy would have it, at 4:45 AM we were awakened by a blaring alarm in the house. I stumbled out looking for smoke or fire, and not finding anything obvious I looked for the smoke detector (of which there are several) to reset.
There was one over my bedroom door... Nope not that one.
And it wasn't the one over Cockroach's door either.
SGK came out of her room with a glare that would have left lesser men a quivering basket case.
"Turn that damn noise off!"
"I'd love to, but I don't know which alarm is going off." I told her.
I even opened the attic access, thinking there might be a detector up there.
No joy.
Roach finally found the author of our discontent...
A carbon monoxide detector plugged into a wall socket in the hallway down at shin-level.
And it wouldn't reset.

Quickly reverting to problem-solving mode, I took the device and put in the crisper drawer in the 'fridge and tried to get back to sleep for a few more minutes.

No Joy.

There will be a nasty letter...

----------

Fast forward to Monday PM

----------

A rather nasty cold front moved through the southeast last night.
We were prepared for it... All our equipment at the site was buttoned up or battened down, secured or put away to avoid unnecessary damage.
We hit the sack early, since I was shorted that extra 45 minutes on the leading edge of the day, and we had the same 6:30 departure target.

At about 1:30 AM, an alarm started blaring in my room.
(My room is actually a home office with a rather uncomfortable (small) bed and a large desk covered with many Objets d'Tech...)
Of course, the power was out due to the storm.
So, blaring alarm, no lights, blindly groping for my bag to find my flashlight, so I can find the next item that will be placed in the crisper drawer...
I finally find my light and I start my search- and the offending item this time, a Radio Shack weather alert radio, tucked away behind the mountain of other crap...
And it has no controls on it. No off switch, no volume knob or button, battery operated.
What the hell kind of crap technology is this?
The alert tone finally ended and a NOAA weater warning started- Tornado warning for our area.
Goody.
One weather radio, in the crisper drawer.


This crap is starting to damage my calm...

I have revised my plan.
No nasty letter.

I'm getting a half a pound of shrimp from the Kroger and hiding them in strategically located places around the house.
Inside the curtain rods.
Behind the wine rack.
On the top of the kitchen cabinets.

And a note to Constant Readers in Augusta (...and you know who you are...)
Someone wants to be Mr. Funny Man and ring my doorbell tonight, that crisper drawer is gonna be mighty full.
And if you think I can't fit a 200lb comedian/network specialist in a crisper drawer, you don't know the power of an angry ogre with a Cuisinart.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Nice Golf Club Out-of-Context

Cockroach:
"I'm letting her play with it."

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

I Think Jamaican in the Moonlight

I beg your pardon, mama, what did you say?
My mind was drifting off on Martinique Bay.
It’s not that I’m not interested, you see;
Augusta, Georgia is just no place to be.
- Nitty Gritty Dirt Band - American Dream

And with weather like this...

...Augusta is definitely no place to be...

Unless you're dressed like a Crossing Guard...

My home for the next 13 days.

Hey, at least the rain is keeping the pollen at bay...

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Thursday: Site Survey

My.
What A Nice Golf Course





TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE