Life Pro Tips Needed...

Back in 2014 I sent a missive to The Czar over at Castle G, looking for guidance prior to my trip to the Sochi Olympics and got excellent advice which proved invaluable, and in one case, kept me from being shipped off to a gulag...
I saw the coquettish batting of fake eyelashes by a waitress in Rosa Khutor as a 'come hither'; Instead it was actually an advanced case of pink eye and a rather sizable stye causing the eyelid flutter.
I realized my mistake after cornering her in the space between the restaurant's outhouse and the offal pile by the river. Moments later I was having a close encounter with a 10" butcher's blade wielded by her boss/uncle accompanied by 2 members of the FSE.
Needless to say, I racked my brain for a plausible explanation when the advice for The Czar come ringing through- I shouted “გთხოვთ, არ მომეცი მწერები!!" Out of the corner of my eye I caught the flash of in incoming nightstick and everything went dark (or rather darker).
I woke up face-down in a landfill just south of Estosadok, bound in several yards of burlap and bailing wire, and a sign reading "სიკვდილი ამერიკული ღორის ძაღლები".

Since things worked out so well in Sochi I thought I would tempt fate and seek guidance again, this time invoking The Czar to assist me with suggestions for Rio de Janerio.

My petition:

O Most Dread and Awful Czar, Lord of the Flies, Keeper of the Pile, Master of the Steppes, Bringer of Kinetic Military Action, Torturer-in-Chief, Slayer of the Yaw and the Goiter, and Protector of the Holy Cities of Moscow, Chicago and parts of Louisville...

Once again I find myself in need of Pro Life Tips from Your Czarness…

As per usual I have been assigned to work in a place that the mere mention of evokes fear and palpitations in the hearts of travel professionals and dollar signs in the eyes of Personal Executive Protection agents.

Yep- you guessed it. I’m heading to Rio.

Your guidance regarding my sojourn in Sochi was invaluable; Your tip regarding quality horsemeat was spot-on, and I did use “გვამი მდინარეში ერთხელ,” very often, given the construction contractors that received bids and money for projects that were either unfinished (tons of them) or didn’t even exist (arguably even a larger quantity).

Your knowledge was so useful I would once again visit the well of your vast wisdom and know-how and draw upon your knowledge of all things dangerous and deadly.

Word around the campfire is to stay away from: 

Beaches at night

Bars bearing any signage 1) in English, or 2) with the words “Nós Matar Turistas” (“We love tourists” I think...)

Downtown Rio

Northern Rio

Southern Rio

Western Rio

(There is no Eastern Rio. Word has it that is was sold to Uruguay and carted away in a truck years ago.)

Also avoid:

Local cops

City cops

Federal cops

Highway cops

Subway/Metro cops

Anyone with a uniform

Anyone without a uniform

Kids

Grownups

Boys

Girls

Girls that look like boys

Boys that look like girls

Anyone with a pulse

Anyone without a pulse

And finally-

Don’t eat/drink:

Meat

Vegetables

Fish
Dairy products

Eggs

Gluten

Starches
Name brand liquor

Off brand liquor

Homemade liquor

Cachaça

Aguardiente

Water (bottled, tap, bay, beach, bath/shower, ocean and rainfall)

Beer

Coke and other ‘soft’ drinks

And the biggest no-no-

Favelas – Don’t even look at the damned favelas.

As a matter of fact, according to the keeper of my leash, visiting a favela, no matter how well armed and capable I am, or the size of my personal protection detail is a violation that will get me a spot on the next plane out. (That’s my escape plan, by the way.)

Help me, Obi Wan Czarnobi

You’re my only hope.

Uncle Jay


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

A Few Thoughts From Last Week

1. I learned I can drive past Brunswick / Saint Simon's Island twice and my motorcycle doesn't automatically exit the highway and streak like a BBQ-seeking missile toward Demere Rd.

2. The pollen in the CSRA will (and did) destroy contact lenses.


Micrograph of CSRA pollen.

3. If your contact lenses start hurting, TAKE THEM OUT NOW.

4. Weathermen don't know shit about weather.

5. A copperhead snake can turn a 6' sprinkler salesman into a little girl.



6. There is no 6

7. After 7 days on a diet consisting strictly of of pimento cheese sandwiches, egg salad sandwiches, industrial-strength BBQ sandwiches, and  Krispy Kreme donuts, do not -under penalty of an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction- trust a fart.

8. No running. Ever.
Best actual quote ever:
"I don't care if you're being chased by a six-foot-nine naked guy with an erection and a butcher knife- NO RUNNING." - from a cop in the parking lot in 2011

9. "What 'cha doing there?" is the Number 1 frequently asked question this week.

10. "Collecting data for the use of the Tournament" is the #1 answer. Vague and Infuriating, to be sure. (It is a tradition unlike any other. Heh)

11. If you make something foolproof, only a fool will be able to use it.

12. 30% of the people eat 80% of the doughnuts

13. Plastic cups from Augusta actually count as currency in some social circles.



14. If you fuck up or fuck off badly enough, even a good Cuban cigar will not save you from the wrath of the Volunteer Coordinator. (He's an unstable cuss.)

15. If you arrive early enough, parking isn't a problem.

16. In Augusta GA, "Because I said so." is a perfectly acceptable answer when Questioning Authority. Further question said Authority can result in incarceration. Or worse.

17. Do not attempt to use your GPS to get anywhere in Augusta between 6 AM and 8 PM on thefirst week of April.

18. Friends will help you move. Real friends will help you move bodies. Exceptional friends will trudge up and down 11 fairway for hours and hours, and still come back the next day with a smile.

19. If you mix the pink shit and the brown shit with a little of the blue shit, it's almost drinkable.
(But save all 3 cups. See #13.)

20. Don't piss off Susan.

TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Things Not To Fuck Around With - A Work In Progress

• Hard drugs. 
•  Unprotected sex. 
• Street racing. 
• Radioactive stuff.
• Electricity and plumbing. 
• Dangerous animals. 
• ISIS. 
• Angry big women. 
• Daddy's girls. 
• Super religious people. 
• Texas (duh).
• Police. 
• Fast food. 
• Vegas
• Hill folk.
• The ozone. 
• Bad shellfish
• Spiders and poisonous snakes.
• Ouija boards and fortune tellers. 
• The IRS.
• Prostitutes.
• The Bank
• Pimps. 
• Moose.
• The Cook.
• Bikers. 
• Wasps
• Gang members.
  
• And Susan at the office. 

Additions to the list are welcome.



TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Women. Can't Live With Them...

...Can't live without 'em
...Can't lead them to water OR make them drink
...Can't judge them by their covers
...Can't shoot 'em without lots of paperwork and hefty prison sentences, usually
...Can't have cake and eat it too
...Can't beat them or join them
...Can't get blood from a turnip.

One of the Boys was tore up- huge fight with his SO, shouting and hurtful words, etc.
As he was lamenting his situation in committee so to speak, we listened and prepared to make some helpful observations and suggestions.
Because that's what guys do. 
We try to help.


He bemoaned the fact that he just doesn't understand his SO, or women in general, that has relationship is teetering on the brink of the abyss and is probably irrevocable.
He solicits us for help regarding understanding women.
Us.
A bunch of childish morons who are barely housebroken and have about as much 'understanding' of women as a dog has of analytic and algebraic topology of locally Euclidean parameterization of infinitely differential Riemannian manifolds...

Hey, we're not gynecologists, but we can give it a shot.
For my part, I brought all my experience in 40 years of dealing with girls/women and nearly 25 years of marriage, and a heaping amount of book-learnin' in sociology classes at UF, and a boatload of Internet droppings (cause we all know how accurate that shit is) into the conversation.

First and foremost: Don't try to 'understand' women. Women understand women, and they fucking HATE each other.



Second: If a guy talks to other guys for advice (which is rare in and of itself), he is looking help with a situation. He actually WANTS advice.
If a woman goes to other women for advice she is looking validation regarding her position. She doesn't want advice, but if it bolsters her position, she might fold it into her argument.

But- if your SO wants to talk about her problems and doesn't SPECIFICALLY ASK for advice or help, DO NOT OFFER ADVICE OR HELP.
She just wants to talk about it  SOMEONE and most likely one of her girlfriends wasn't available. Just listen, nod your head sagely and offer non-committal vocal assent.

Guys want to be helpful and fix things- but sadly, women are usually just wanting to talk things through...
(This is one of those 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' things. Men's and women's thought processes are so different it has been opined (read this) that men and women aren't the same race, and probably aren't even the same species.)

Back to our sad friend-
"Look- I understand your feelings.
You miss her, you're miserable without her.
You can't imagine your life without her in it.
You'd do anything for her.
You want her back in your life so bad there is nothing else you can think of... she completely dominates your thoughts 24/7.
There is nothing you wouldn't pay to have her back, 
and would gladly commit horrible violence to regain her.
Men often feel that way about women...


Women feel that way about SHOES*."

How can a guy possibly hope to understand that?

Just suck it up, Buttercup.
Here endeth the lesson.



TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
* To be fair, I know women who are this way about jewelry, booze, fast cars, and at least one that feels that way about guns. Obsession isn't pretty. But it can be entertaining.

Why Would You Do That To Your Mother?

So, following up on an overheard conversation last night in the local purveyor of Adult Spirits...

There were a couple twenty-somethings -male and female- at the bar along with a line of mixed geographicals -visitors and locals.
I didn't hear the genesis of the exchange, but one of the older women at the bar said something to one of the kids - obviously something uber-cool and 'winning', to which the 20-ish child replied "Yeah! Ohhh... Will you be my mom?" to much laughter...

I reflected inwardly how 1) I've heard this before, (and after doing a bit of research it's becoming commonplace) and 2) it is, in my not-so-humble-opinion, pretty damned insulting, especially in proximity to Mother's Day. Or even not close to Mother's Day...

So- your mom isn't cool enough to do shots with you, or won't let you do something risky, morally ambiguous, or perhaps illegal, so you'd like to trade up to someone who will?
Fuck you, you little shit. Don't second guess your mom...
Someday you may be in a position that you will have to guide a small person to the age of maturity and will have to analyze the 10,000 actions and decisions that become the basis of someone's existence and code of behavioral ethics. It's not an easy job- Do you think it's easy to raise a kid?
Fortunately Motherhood usually comes with a huge dollop of self-delusion...
Remember your Heinlein:

"Delusions are often functional. A mother’s opinions about her children’s beauty, intelligence, goodness, et cetera ad nauseam, keep her from drowning them at birth."

As I indicated, I did a moment's research and found a way too many examples -
A fairly good article on mom, #mom and momming especially in regards to celebrity momming can be found here.

And if you want to be really disgusted, check out the #mom or "will you be my mom" hashtag on Twitter.  And the opposite side is probably just as disturbing with "will you be my daughter".

(Yes, I have a sense of humor, and I understand sarcasm and satire, but Jeebus on a jumped-up skateboard, what the actual fuck is wrong with people?)


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Quotes To Live (or Die) By

To the people that insist on pissing me off...

(And the ones that do it unknowingly too- this does not excuse stupid behavior.)

I'm Always polite. Always respectful. And always making plans to kill everyone within a 50' radius. Just in case.

"There are three things all wise men fear: the sea in storm, a night with no moon, and the anger of a gentle man." 

"You might call them soft, because they're very reluctant to kill, and they might agree with you, but they're soft the way the ocean is soft, and, well; ask any sea captain how harmless and puny the ocean can be."

"When kind men grow angry, things are about to change."

"When the nice ones snap, it's always a good show."

"Don't ever mistake my silence for ignorance, my calmness for acceptance, or my kindness for weakness." 

"You're too nice a guy to know so many ways to kill someone..."

"If you have to look along the shaft of an arrow from the wrong end, if a man has you entirely at his mercy, then hope like hell that man is an evil man. Because the evil like power, power over people, and they want to see you in fear. They want you to know you're going to die. So they'll talk. They'll gloat. They'll watch you squirm. They'll put off the moment of murder like another man will put off a good cigar. So hope like hell your captor is an evil man. A good man will kill you with hardly a word."


TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

The Rules (Gibb's, Not Mine)

If you watch NCIS (the original) you have no doubt heard one of more of Gibb's Rules...

After a discussion today with some Aussies who were ignorant regarding such Rules To Live By, I though it might be worthwhile to post the current list of known Rules....

So...

Rule #1: Never let suspects stay together. (Season 1 Episode 1, Mike Franks)
Rule #1: Never screw over your partner. (Season 4, Episode 14, Gibbs)
Rule #2: Always wear gloves at a crime scene. (Season 1, Episode 1, Mike Franks)
Rule #3: Don't believe what you're told. Double check. (Season 1, Episode 1, Mike Franks)
Rule #3: Never be unreachable. (Season 3, Episode 13, Gibbs)
Rule #4: The best way to keep a secret? Keep it to yourself. Second best? Tell one other person, if you must. There is no third best. (Season 4, Episode 11)
Rule #5: You don't waste good. (Season 8, Episode 22)
Rule #6: Never apologize. (Season 7, Episode 12, but referenced previous times without a number attached)
Rule #7: Always be specific when you lie. (Season 1, Episode 23)
Rule #8: Never take anything for granted. (Season 3, Episode 10)
Rule #9: Never go anywhere without a knife. (Season 1, Episode 13)
Rule #10: Never get personally involved on a case. (Season 7, Episode 21)
Rule #11: When the job is done, walk away. (Season 6, Episode 24)
Rule #12: Never date a coworker. (Season 1, Episode 15, and referenced on other occasions)
Rule #13: Never, ever involve a lawyer. (Season 6, Episode 7; Gibbs is said to have other rules involving lawyers, but according to Tony, this is the "umbrella" one)
Rule #15: Always work as a team. (Season 5, Episode 5)
Rule #16: If someone thinks they have the upper-hand, break it. (Season 8, Episode 24)
Rule #18: It's better to seek forgiveness than ask permission. (Season 3, Episode 4)
Rule #22: Never, ever bother Gibbs in interrogation. (Season 4, Episode 10)
Rule #23: Never mess with a Marine's coffee if you want to live. (Season 2, Episode 9)
Rule #27: Two ways to follow: First way, they never notice you, Second way, they only notice you. (Season 7, Episode 15)
Rule #35: Always watch the watchers. (Season 8, Episode 22)
Rule #36: If feels like you're being played, you probably are. (Season 9, Episode 1)
Rule #38: Your case, your lead. (Season 6, Episode 16; Season 10, Episode 3)
Rule #39: There is no such thing as coincidence. (Season 7, Episode 21)
Rule #40: If it seems someone is out to get you, they are. (Season 7, Episode 22)
Rule #42: Never accept an apology from someone who just sucker punched you. (Season 9, Episode 16)
Rule #44: First things first. Hide the women and children. (Season 7, Episode 23)
Rule #45: Gibbs remarks, "Left a mess I've got to clean up," which Tony later comments is basically Rule #45 … clean up your own mess. (Season 7, Episode 24)

Here endeth the lesson.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Stop Bitching and Do Your Job

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

The Tequila Roundtable: Truths - Part 1

Imagine, if you will, being a fly on the wall at a local purveyor of *cough* fine Mexican cuisine. On an occasional basis a group of local ne'er-do-wells gather to discuss matters of state, swill white-label tequila, and deplete the local supply of carnitas and chorizo tacos.
This is a loosly-transcribed distillation of the conversation... 

I. Edumacation

The Degenerate: When I was just a rotten kid in [redacted], I usually got just a little more than my RDA of trouble in school... I spent a reasonable amount of time in the Admin office getting 'counseled' regarding behavior and cautioned that there could possible entries in my "PERMANENT RECORD"... That thick file that follows you all your life...
At the time, I think we had some notion of a large hanging folder in a large file cabinet in the Vatican that was available to everyone to see what horrible things you did in 3rd grade.

The Barrister: I think that particular Sword of Damocles is largely gone these days...
But kids should be worried about other things now.

The Ogre: If you're in high school and suffering, don't worry. (and if you're in high school and reading this website, WTF Dude- Don't you have studying to do?)
High School doesn't f'ing matter. College barely matters.
Just make sure you pass; For most careers, your grades don't really matter.
Also, the Internet is your "permanent record"; Regardless of what they told you in those many trips to the principal's office, there's nothing in High School that follows you.

The Barrister: Let me clarify this a bit:  Elementary, Jr. High, High School, and University grades matter immensely for some careers.
Let's say you want to be a researcher of some sort. Without a training, learning, and constantly getting better 'learning skills' throughout your education,these careers are barred for you.
Elementary and Jr High matter because this is where you learn the skills to be a scholar. They are training for what matters.

The Ogre: Ah. That's where I screwed up...

The Bean Counter: Getting into a top university is dependent on doing extremely well in HS and getting into a top grad program and securing a famous adviser depends on doing great in undergrad. (TBG's Note: Or being a mediocre student but being in a recognized minority. PS - "Stoner" is not a recognized minority unless you're from Hawaii. )

The Barrister: You will not have a career in academia unless you have both a famous adviser, papers in top journals, and a PhD from a top tier school in your field.
Even then- it would be a miracle.
So unless you're walking on water, get the skills and the sheepskin.

The Ogre: Any college major 'they' (counselors, etc) tell you is going to make you a lot of money, will not. By the time you graduate, all the sheep will have flocked to it and over saturated the market- essentially making the degree worthless unless you're genius level at what you do, or have (or can make) powerful connections.
But trust me on the Internet thing. That shit on Facebook and Instagram will hunt you down and kill you.

The Pragmatist (the heaviest drinker of our klatsch):
College is about three things:
1. Showing you can do the work to get the degree so employers can have a basic level of trust that you won't fuck up their shit.
2. Making connections with people who might be able to help you make money/get more opportunities in the future. Align yourself with winners, not people who bitch about life and how unfair shit is. End of the day, who really gives a fuck? No one.
3. Do as much fun stupid shit as you can as long as none of it gets posted on the internet. Once you start working, you'll be under much closer scrutiny since your work affects other people's livelihood's directly. Get as much bullshit out of your system as possible. Never drink to the point where you black out, losing control is for losers with low self worth aka most women you'll meet at college.
At this point there is much derision and ridicule for the Pragmatist...
"Gee. Great job coming at the end and giving a half-baked profanity-laced summary.
F'ing Wanker."

II - Work

The Degenerate: When you start working full time in whatever job you land in remember that, unless you are in a skill position, how you do your job matter less than your ability to establish and maintain political relationships.
Companies have zero loyalty to their workers.
Don't ever think that a company cares about you, even if you have a cool boss. They will feed you to jellyfish and stream that shit live to YouTube if it increases revenue by 1%.

The Bean Counter: The people you work for don't play by the same rules that they want you to play by. It's no secret how the powerful get (and stay) powerful: by taking advantage of everyone below them, and out-politicking those above them. Get good at both if money means anything to you.

The Pragmatist: Wonder why the assholes who shirk work all fucking day get promoted and get taken out by management for a three-martini lunch while you're stuck doing shit work?
Hint: Shmoozing is better return on investment than actually working.
Welcome to the First World.

The Barrister: Again, with that cool boss thing- don't let them fool you. Until you are the same level, you're just a chess piece.  No matter how much your boss is nice to you, everything they say is just to get you to work harder for them. They are not your friend, and becoming friends with them is a mistake.
All you are is a tool.
When you stop being useful you will be let go, so never let that happen.

The Ogre: Do everything possible to work for yourself. The rat race is just that; don't participate.

Money is literally the only point of work, pick something that pays a lot and do whatever artsy fartsy stuff you are interested in on the side, because if you think you're going to make money from it, you're out of you frimping gourd.
97%* of people who try to be artists for a living fail and end up working at Burger King.

TL;DR It's not what you know, it's who you know.

III - Misc Addenda
The Barrister: Most people you will meet are idiots, but because there are so many of them you look like the odd-man-out. Don't be discouraged.

The Pragmatist: No one, not even your therapist, gives a rat's ass about your feelings unless it affects their ability to maintain their lifestyle directly.

The Ogre: There's a reason why governments demand a monopoly on violence and forbid its use by most of its citizens: Violence usually gets results.

The Pragmatist: Whether physical, economic, emotional, or political, if you need shit done, just fucking get shit done. Have a vision and stick to it. It's better to fail on your terms than succeed on someone else's. Being nice and compliant is a great way to get screwed.

--------------
Casa Maria - twice a month whether we need it or not.
Lots more from this group of miscreants...

*I picked this statistic out of my head. It's probably a lot smaller. GIMF-'what percentage of artists are successful'.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Free Advice, Worth Every Penny

Awhile back I put out some advice that I thought was pretty timely and useful-
"Don't take a sleeping pill and a laxative on the same night."
- The Zen of IDS, #20

Well- I was talking to one of the ODMQD on who offered a similar slice of warning... I told him he looked like crap on Sunday afternoon..

"Man... I was up all night. A friendly word of warning: Don't get your Ambien and your Cialis bottles mixed up." (rimshot)


TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Stereotype Much, Big Guy?

I was taken to task via email (I so wish to hell some of my Constant Readers would learn to use the furshlugginer "comment" button. Seesh!) for using the (relatively) new slang term "'Merica!".
Seems that one "CF" is unimpressed with the fact I am promoting a stereotypical "Redneck" persona of Americans abroad (the Ugly American Syndrome).

So I did a little digging...

"'Merica is the whole experience of America summed up in a stereotypical way. Eating anything deep-fried, shooting shotguns, getting so fat you attempt to use the force to levitate it (sic) off the coffee table, all compressed into one word.
People often say it when they see Americans doing things only Americans can do, such as:
- trimming a hedge with a chainsaw
- eating quadruple burgers with extra lard
- driving tractors in the middle of a freeway

It is often expressed in a proud and commonly exaggerated manor.
This phrase is one to be only used when the time comes to say it, like at a eating contest or at a mud pit wrestling match.

As there are so many people in America that truly express what the word is all about, there is one family that pushes it over the limit. They are commonly called the "Honey Boo Boo Family".
They are known to do the same, and even more, of the equally stupid stunts that typical rednecks would do. They are reported to relive acts of true 'Merican spirit, like drinking 2 liter bottles of DIET cola, driving trucks into frozen creeks, getting pointless tattoos of American birds on their backs, eating processed nacho cheese in a bacon cup, tucking their Ak47s in their pillows, ordering 27 Big Macs at McDonalds with a side salad, and so much more."

Hm. Sounds about right to me.
Except the AK47 part. Everyone knows true 'Mericans have ARs.

And nacho cheese in a bacon cup?
Pure genius.




TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Belated Advice

So listen y'all...
Hurricane season is here.
Remember Uncle Jay's Hurricane Rules:
(It's easy, there are only two...)

1. If a hurricane is approaching your area, get the fuck out.

2. Seriously. GTFO.

End of lesson.


TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE