A Few Thoughts From Last Week

1. I learned I can drive past Brunswick / Saint Simon's Island twice and my motorcycle doesn't automatically exit the highway and streak like a BBQ-seeking missile toward Demere Rd.

2. The pollen in the CSRA will (and did) destroy contact lenses.


Micrograph of CSRA pollen.

3. If your contact lenses start hurting, TAKE THEM OUT NOW.

4. Weathermen don't know shit about weather.

5. A copperhead snake can turn a 6' sprinkler salesman into a little girl.



6. There is no 6

7. After 7 days on a diet consisting strictly of of pimento cheese sandwiches, egg salad sandwiches, industrial-strength BBQ sandwiches, and  Krispy Kreme donuts, do not -under penalty of an embarrassing wardrobe malfunction- trust a fart.

8. No running. Ever.
Best actual quote ever:
"I don't care if you're being chased by a six-foot-nine naked guy with an erection and a butcher knife- NO RUNNING." - from a cop in the parking lot in 2011

9. "What 'cha doing there?" is the Number 1 frequently asked question this week.

10. "Collecting data for the use of the Tournament" is the #1 answer. Vague and Infuriating, to be sure. (It is a tradition unlike any other. Heh)

11. If you make something foolproof, only a fool will be able to use it.

12. 30% of the people eat 80% of the doughnuts

13. Plastic cups from Augusta actually count as currency in some social circles.



14. If you fuck up or fuck off badly enough, even a good Cuban cigar will not save you from the wrath of the Volunteer Coordinator. (He's an unstable cuss.)

15. If you arrive early enough, parking isn't a problem.

16. In Augusta GA, "Because I said so." is a perfectly acceptable answer when Questioning Authority. Further question said Authority can result in incarceration. Or worse.

17. Do not attempt to use your GPS to get anywhere in Augusta between 6 AM and 8 PM on thefirst week of April.

18. Friends will help you move. Real friends will help you move bodies. Exceptional friends will trudge up and down 11 fairway for hours and hours, and still come back the next day with a smile.

19. If you mix the pink shit and the brown shit with a little of the blue shit, it's almost drinkable.
(But save all 3 cups. See #13.)

20. Don't piss off Susan.

TBG - - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Sochi FGAs

Frequently Given Answers - Sochi Edition

1. Tired Tired Tired.
2. Of course I have a good tan. I live in Florida and ride a motorcycle.
3. No. Nyet. Negatory, good buddy.
4. Ok, yes then.
5. 140 kilos. 150 when I get mad.
6. Yes, but only on Thursday. Only LAST Thursday, as a matter of fact.
7. It is supposed to be slippery.
8. I could kill you, but then I'd have to hide your body, and you're not worth the trouble.
9. Let me spell it out for you... "Y-O-U A-R-E A-N A-S-S-H-A-T"
10. Get away from me.
11. Milk. MOLKO... How about latte? Screw it. I'll take it black.
12. The cable is broken, that's why.
13. I'm not not sure we can get a gallon of flea shampoo here in Sochi.
14. The bus driver got lost. The bus driver ALWAYS gets lost.
15. Take this photocopy. You cannot take my passport.
16. No more pizza. No pasta either.
17. This isn't the right road. I've never heard of Estosadok. Sounds bad to me.
18. That's not a dog, it's the waitress.
19. I said unlock the fucking door before I break it down. ITS A FUCKING FIRE ESCAPE!
20. There are no more. There won't be any more. Ever.
21. You're screwed. (Every Olympics evar.)
22. No, honestly. I really like fly eggs in my horse meat.
23. A rum and coke doesn't have ANY vodka in it.
24. Just drive through them. What are they going to do, chase us down?
25. I don't need a jacket. I have my anger to keep me warm.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

New Citizens from South of the Gulf Stream

July 22nd- 6:00 AM

Pete: "Hey Jay- there are 50 people on the front porch. They want breakfast and a ride to Miami."

He was downstairs, looking out the front window.



I rolled out of bed and looked out the second floor window.
There were people all over the place- out by the PV array, near the lighthouse, and even a bunch in front of our house.
It looked like a lot of them had the same blue-shirt-blue-pants kind of uniform...
I wondered for a minute if it might be the folks off the Eagle, but no... there were old folks and kids in the group.

Definately Cubans.

Crap.

I grabbed the radio and we headed out to deal with the situation.

I went to the group to find the leader, or at least to find someone who spoke better English than my poor Espanol. Pete took the flag out to the flagpole while I started working with the group.

"Are we in the United States?"

This was answered as Pete put up the flag. There was a round of cheers and applause as the flag went up over the island.

Then the questions really started...

The Loggerhead/Dry Tortugas Cuban
Frequently Asked Question List.

1. Where are we?

Directly above the center of the Earth.

2. Will we be sent back to Cuba?

No, unfortunately.

3. Do you have anything to drink?

Yes, here's a bottle of water.

4. We'd rather have Coke.

So would I.

5. It's not cold. Do you have cold water?

Yeah, it's right here in my pocket, next to the Eskimo Pies and the Popsicles.

6. Ice?

You're kidding.

7. What is going to happen to us now?

Boat to Garden Key, then a Coast Guard Cutter, then a bus to Krome.

7a. Krome Detention Center? I hear it is a prison.

I only wish it was so...

8. How are you going to get us to Miami?

Oh, it's MY problem now?

9. How long is it going to take?

Forever, if you keep up with the dumb questions

10. We're hungry.

Me too

11. Can we use your telephone?

Sure, here's my cell. Go nuts.

12. Is there a TV here we can watch while we wait for the boat to arrive?

No, but here's some shovels. Let's go dig up one of the old chugs.

13. We want to use the bathroom.

...and people in hell want ice water.

14. My clothes are wet/covered in fuel. I want new clothes.

I know this might shock you, but they closed the Loggerhead location of "The Gap" last week. Sorry.

15. Are you sure you don't have a nice ice cold Coke somewhere?

Sure. It's on the bus in Key West.

16. We're bored.

You need more shovels?

17. When will the boat be here?

Not soon enough.

18. We're hot. We want air conditioning.

Don't we all.

At about question number 4 I begin to lose my tolerance for the whole thing...

We had 53 people in two distinct groups. One group was picked up off a dock outside Mariel at about 3 in the afternoon the day before.
The other group said they had been underway for 3 days in a home-made boat.
The motor didn't work so they rowed for a long time, then they were picked up by a fishing boat.
They had all been dropped off around 1:00 AM on the southwest shore of the island.

Interestingly- We had been shooting photos of a lightning storm off to the south of the island that night. I saw a light on the horizon that wasn't acting like a typical recreational vessel or commercial fishermen...


Night exposure on the 21st

I told Pete that I thought it was acting wierd...That it was probably a chug or something.

The Eagle was still offshore on the west side of the island and lit up like a Christmas tree. I thought that might deter any landings.
I guess I was wrong. (Like THAT never happens. heh)


One thing we've learned is that, as a rule, the migrants can be deceptive and vague about their details. They want to be seen as having undergone a severe hardship in the crossing...
For instance- for the group that had "been in the boat for 3 days" showed no symptoms of exposure. Having seen the results of long-term exposure to sun and saltwater, these folks were not on the water for 3 days.
The other thing is that they didn't want the boat that dropped them off to get caught, so they were not going to give any details that might identify the boat.



So, we checked them for basic first-aid needs, got them some water and got them into the shade. Then we called the Rangers over at Garden Key.
They called the Department of Homeland Security (the US Coast Guard is part of DHS) to find out how we were going to get them off the island.
We got the standard reply- "We'll get back to you."
We asked if the Eagle might be able to assist with them migrants, but got a big "no" on that that idea... They are training to tie knots and trim sails, not deal with real-world issues like migrants and interdiction.

Rangers Roper and Donnely arrived on Loggerehead Key in short order and began the next step of processing them.


After the Rangers searched them for contraband and weapons, we still hadn't heard from DHS, so we began the transport process to take the migrants over to Garden Key.
We made several trips to get them all off Loggerhead.



The USCG Cutter "Hawk" showed up about 2:00 and we transferred the migrants to the cutter, then headed back to Loggerhead.

One of the other issues with a Cuban landing is the manpower expenditure needed to deal with the situation. Pete and I assisted in securing the migrants over on Garden Key, and assisting with getting the migrants from Garden Key to the Coast Guard cutter.
It took 8 hours for myself, Pete and Rangers Roper and Donnley to deal with the landing, and a good 4 hours from Bob on Garden Key to assist.
We still had a full day of stuff to do over on Loggerhead...
The entire process takes a huge chunk of time out of everyone's day...time that is needed to ensure proper operation of the park.

In addition to the park's lost time and resources, there is the issue of fuel and manpower and equipment by the USCG. Do you have any idea of the cost in fuel, people and equipment used to come pick up the migrants? 10 guys, a big boat that burns diesel fuel at a high rate of consumption...

How about the per person costs of taking a Cuban migrant into the mainstream of the US population
Did you know that migrants get between $5,000 & $8,000 dollars each in "starting out money"? They get 3 years of free medical care? Food stamps? Tax Exempt status for 3 years?

Does any other immigrant group get this kind of benefits package?

I'll get off my soapbox now...

We had to pull double duty on the 23rd... to make up for the lost day on the 22nd.

TBG out (walking the beach, AGAIN)

FGA/FAQ WTT Edition

Frequently asked questions/ Frequently given answers.

(WTT edition)

1. Is the software finished?
2. Tennis? You're kidding, right?
3. Scoreboards? Who's going to set them up? Volunteers?
4. (You do know that tennis volunteers tend to be 50+ year old divorcees chasing the club pro...)
5. Paint, blood and teargas.
6. What's the temperature today? A hundred and WHAT?
7. They are supposed to be green and fuzzy.
8. 1-866-6??-5300. Tell them I told you to call.
9. Let me spell it out for you... "M-O-N-E-Y"
10. 3O3
11. Where is the closest Starbucks?
12. If the DJ plays House of Pain's "Jump Around" one more time, I'm gonna go strangle him with his mic cord...
13. What is the boiling point of silicone?
14. Captain & Coffee? Sure. Why not?
15. Do we have a match order yet?
16. No...Nothing is open here. You need to drive to Anaheim.
17. Where is the nearest Hooters?
18. She's not the waitress. She's a homeless woman who lives behind our dumpster.
19. Me, tennis isn't; You do.
20. Remember when I was complaining about the snow in Italy? I was wrong.
21. What software version is on this machine?!
22. No, collegen is for the lips, Botox is for the wrinkles.
23. I will NOT share my Ambien with you. Forget it.
24. Find me an umbrella or a sunshade, or I am going to kill everyone and everything within a 300 yard radius.
25. Don't try this at home, kids. I'm a professional.

FAQ - Tortugas Edition

Frequently Asked Questions - Tortugas Edition.

Q: Hot enough for ya?
A: Nope. I want it so hot that all the visitors melt as they step off the boat.

Q: Is that Cuba? (Pointing to Loggerhead Key)
A: Yep. That lighthouse is the harbor light for Havana.

Q: How far are we from Havana, Cuba?
A: 24,770 miles. (I prefer going via the polar route.)

Q: Are the Cuban Refugees that get here allowed to stay?
A: Yep. We issue each of them a tent and they are all now living in the campground.

Q: Are these migratory islands?
A: Yes. They spend the winter in South America, returning here each spring..

Q: Where is the best place to snorkle?
A: Well... You can start by getting the the water.

Q: Where is the water?
A: Pick a direction and start walking.

Q: Can I snorkle without getting in the water?
A: Sure. Go see the folks at Capt. Ricks Rent-a-Sub out by the dock... They'll set you right up. It's right next to the Starbucks.

Q: Has anyone ever fallen off the top of the fort?
A: Sure. Want to be next?

Q: Why are there fish in the moat?
A: They got tired of living in the campground with the Cuban Refugees.

Q: If you guys have DirecTV, how come my cell phone won't work out here?
A: You need a better phone.

Q: What did they do with the dead bodies? (Soldiers/prisoners who died from yellow fever)
A: Catapults. We used the catapults.

Q: How do y'all get out here every morning?
A: We take the tunnel from Key Wast.

Q: Do you live out here?
A: Just barely.

Q: What do you eat?
A: We exist on solely on SANDwiches...

Q: Are there Rangers here?
A: Yes- 4 Park Rangers, 2 Power Rangers, 3 Rescue Rangers, and one Texas Ranger.

Q: Are there any animals here?
A: Only the ones who come out on Sunny Days or the Yankee Freedom.

Q: Where are all the pretty fish?
A: Oops. I forgot to turn on the Pretty Fish machine...

Q: Are there turtles here?
A: No. But we have some nice pralines and truffles.

Q: Do the turtles eat marshmallows?
A: Yes, but, there is a similar issue to the problem of birds eating rice from weddings...
Just imagine the same kind of thing with turtle shell shrapnel flying everywhere when one goes off...

Q: Where do you keep the pelicans at night?
A: They are sent back to Key West on the Yankee Freedom and Sunny Days every afternoon.

Q: What do the sooty terns sound like at night?
A: Well, one night last June I sat out on the dock and listened to them over on Bush Key...
The noise was similar to a moving van full of waffles running over a herd of donkeys.

Q: Will my iPod work out here?
A: Yes, but it will only play Jimmy Buffet tunes and Calypso music.

TBG out-

Frequeuently Asked Questions

FAQ

Q: How are you?

A: I'm fine thanks


Q: Why's there nothing good on television?

A: Yes, it's odd that isn't it?--


Q: Do you love me?

A: What sort of question is that?


Q: Ice and lemon?

A: Yes please


Q: Can I help you?

A: You really have to help yourself


Q: Is there intelligent life on other planets?

A: No. As a point of fact, there is a question as to the existence of intelliegent life on THIS planet. Read the daily paper from any city over 500,000 population and you'll see what I mean.


Q: Do you want to save changes to this document?

A: File Deleted


Q: What are you looking at?

A: I was hoping to start a fight actually


Q: What'll you have?

A: Unsweet tea.
(An anomaly, actually. Tea, in its pristine form, is NOT sweet, hence it should be identified as just "Tea". HOWEVER, if you live in the Southern US you have to specifically identify what kind of tea you want, sweet or unsweet. Otherwise the waiteress will just HAVE to ask you "Sweet or Unsweeet?" with the implication that you have just wasted both her time and yours by being inexact.)


Q: You want fries with that?

A: Ghod no.


Q: Abort, Retry, Ignore?

A: Showing your age, aren't you? Nobody gets theose old DOS jokes any more.


Q: Aisle or window.

A: Does it really matter? as I will be in a constant state of torture the entire flight anyway.


Q: Will you keep an eye on this for me?

A: Only until the police, drug dogs, and/or bomb squad arrives.


Q: Paper or plastic?

A: Neither actually. I want bags made from an extract of unicorn earwax.


Q: Debit or Credit?

A: Don't you people take cash anymore?


Q: Can I get you anything else?

A: Just the check. Thanks.


TBG Out-