They Are Ruining It For Everyone.

It's cold here in Vancouver...
(Y'think?)
We're staying at the Delta Suites in downtown VanCity...
It's a pretty nice place...no real issues until my morning ablutions.
I hit the shower in my hotel this morning...
I adjusted the controls, looking for that happy medium between "Hot" and "Damn, That's really hot!" that I enjoy.
(A hot shower is my version of a cup of coffee for waking up in the morning.)
Anyway...
I was having issues getting the water hot enough, and finally just set full-on "Hot" and what I got I would consider "Very Warm" .
I spoke to the Manager on duty at the front desk and asked WTF is up with the not-very-hot water.
He said they had the maximum tempature allowed by law in hotel bathtooms.
Appearently the Nanny State of British Columbia is protecting the idjits from themselves, and protecting the gubmint from litigation-happy asshats.
All at the expense of some poor sumbitch like Yours Truly who only wants a hot shower in the morning...

C'mon, BC... 110 degrees aint gonna cut it.
140 or 150 is not unreasonable...I'm not asking for 212 here.

TBG - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

Well... That's a new one...

Original departure time: 3:10p
Current time: 4pm CST

(So much for all that nice legroom.)

Generator problem on our plane...
In trying to resolve the issue, we missed out window for our optimum flight path and (more importantly) altitude.

Appearently we would have to fly at a lower altitude and (the captain says)
"This ain't the right plane for that".


Jeebus, how low do we have to fly?
Are we crop dusting or something?

Oh well... Everyone off the plane! Head for Gate C27, they have another Airbus 319 on the way for us...

United Airlines - Completely made of FAIL.

TBG - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

4 Hours & 53 Minutes

...Is almost bearable when you're in the bulkhead row...
Its almost worth getting hit on the shoulder with 22 carry-on bags as the unwashed I-only-fly-once-a-year-and-I-don't-have-a-clue idjits pass by on their way back to steerage.
TBG - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

Knowing Which Side has the Butter on it

The barmaid is getting ready to pour my 4th Captain and Coke, but stops to cheer for a good play by the Bears on the TV...
(I'm on a layover at OHare, go figure...)
She looks over at me for affirmation of the fine performance of Her Team-
At which point I have the good sense to do my best to look enthusiastic and mumble something that sounds vaguely like "Go Bears".
Where upon she gives my drink a standing 4-count of Captain Morgan and waved the Coke nozzle weakly at my glass...
Looks like Torino all over again...
Where the hell is SpngeMark when I need him?

TBG - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

Traveling Companion - Vancouver

Off to Vancouver for the Tech Rehearsal for the Winter Olympics.
A little testing, some planning meetings, freeze my ass off, meet and greet the VTMs and VITMs. You know- the fun stuff.
So...
I am sitting in the airport and I see that I seem to have picked up a hitchhiker.
Hmmmm.
I guess I'll hang on to him (her?)...
After all, in case I get stranded in a snowbank roadside on the way to Whistler/Creeekside I might need something to stave off starvation...
(I'll have to pick up some tarragon, just in case. I could eat half-cooked rhino asshole if I have enough tarragon.)

TBG - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

Trying to Make a Point

I saw this over at 21/2 Baker Street- Home of Mr Shomes...
Thought I'd give it the old College Try with the folks back at the office.



Obviously, there was a mixed reaction...
Good news: No one destroyed/trashed the signs, as has happened to some of my political statements before...
Semi-good news: Almost recouped my investment for a dozen donuts...
Not-so-good news: Some people didn't get it.

Oh well... Some day they will.


TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Common Sense and Speculation

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Odd Sense of Humor

I guess if I was faced with this kind of situation...
I hope I'd have the same sense of humor about it...

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Sometimes You Poke The Bear...

...and sometimes the bear pokes you.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Oh, Those Clever Froggies

Shamelessly stolen from my boy Mighty Skunk
at his eponymous website The Mighty Skunk

I now know what to do if I am drunk off my ass and faced with a fine bottle of wine and no corkscrew to access the contents thereof...



TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Functional Illiterates

As I have mentioned before, people who are marginally literate really chap my ass.

Literacy Rant Here

One very interesting trend I have noticed is the huge difference between the unwashed masses that post comments on Youtube or DailyKOS for instance, and the spelling and composition level of the folks that write most of my Daily Reads (JayG, Robb, Brigid, Tam, RX, Etc.)

But, if you really want to see my blood boil its when I see someone use a homonym in the wrong application...
(For my friends in Tri-State area: Homonym: Words that spell/sound alike but mean different things. "Pare"- to cut off, "pear" - a fruit, "pair" - two of something.)

Now, it irritates me because it's just the sign of a lazy person to make such mistakes; I mean, how hard is it to use "there" "they're" and "their" correctly?

Here's what pisses me off the most:
I could give a fat rat's ass if Joe Blogger uses the word wrong... He's just an idiot. The same goes for most of the brain-dead Hollywood Crowd, any professional sports figure, and any politician. After all, that's what personal assistants and publicists are for.

But...
If you are Michele Jones, and you are Special Assistant to the Secretary of Defense White House Liaison with an office in the Pentagon (and you KNOW every single email you type is going to be archived and will be available for public scrutiny),
you better know the difference between "hear" and "here"...

Wednesday, Nov. 25, 1:38 p.m.
From Michele Jones to Tareq Salahi
Tareq,
You are most welcome! I here the smile in your e-mail and am delighted that you and Michaele had a wonderful time. :-)
Have an extraordinary Thanksgiving and many blessings to you both!
Much love,
Michele

This bonehead needs to be sacked.

And given her involvement in the current distract-the-public-from-the-Senate-health-care-reform-bill-at-all-costs brouhaha, she'll be thrown under the bus shortly.


TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Truth in Advertising

Toys they are...

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Worship Flowchart

From
West of the West
via Tam at The View From the Porch

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Monday After Thanksgiving at The Turkey Farm

"Well boys... I guess we dodged the bullet again this year..."

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

.223 Casing Trajectory Lesson

Jingles bought a new shootin' iron (a Stainless Winchester .30-30 lever) and we took it out to sight it in at the rifle range near Lake City...
Got there pretty early on Sunday morning... Had the place pretty much to ourselves.
Just 2 other guys from St. Augustine working on a .300 WinMag and a .270 doing technical adjustments prior to heading out this week for hunting season.

I set up the spotting scope with Brandon (Jingles boy) on my left shooting my Bushmaster M4gery, and Jingles on my right flinging lead at a target out at 100 yards...

As I called out hits to Jingles, Brandon was plugging away with the .223 at a target about 50 yards out and having a good old time. As we were narrowing the hits with the .30-30, Brandon decided to change up and shoot my Mini 14 Ranch...
Now, the M4gery flings casings at a 90 degree angle out and about 60 degrees up... and they go a good distance. The Mini...well... it's a little different.
They go 45 degrees up and about 40 degrees back...

Guess who was heads-down over the spotting scope when the first round went off,
and who now has a .223 circle punched in the flesh over his left eyebrow?


Ouch ouch ouch!

Remember kids...
Always wear eye protection.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
(post edited 12/11 for minor dyslexic screwup.)

Pay Attention

...Because if you don't, Bad Shit happens.

Awhile back I was talking about my adventures in reloading and it seemed a little pedantic and obsessive-compulsive...
Until I saw these pics...

Is there a problem here?


Jeebus Pete! Think that .44 Magnum round might have been improperly charged?


I saw these pics on a Reloading forum... they said the guy who was firing this thing touched off this round and the recoil kicked the gun back and it hit him in the head.

He got a nasty cut, but luckily nothing else...

I'll be printing these pictures and hanging them over my reloading bench as a reminder...


TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Choose Your Words Carefully

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Current Events Humor: Tiger Troubles

From TFLN:

(918)- I guess i finally out drove tiger woods this morning...

Wow. Nice...


TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Chomp Chomp

Here's one for all the Gator Fans out there...





TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Fortune Cookie

(Expecting the lame-ass "It's all Bush's fault" comment from Travis in 3...2... )

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

There Oughta Be A Law

I am tired tired tired of the stealthy advancement of holiday decoration, holiday music and other signs of the season- it's getting earlier and earlier every year.
I was over at TownCenter on November 19th...
The Christmas decorations were up and they were piping the festive carols through the sound system at the promonade...
On NOVEMBER 19th.
Now, I enjoy the holiday season as much as the next guy, but please...
In a year or three we're going to start hearing the Deck the Halls and seeing the garland getting strung up just after the 4th of July.
This is really getting out of hand.

We anticipate it all year long...That waiting is what makes the Christmas season so special...
Retailers are stretching out the Sale Season as far as possible...

We have Halloween Sales, Post Halloween Sales, Fall Festival Sales, Pre-Thanksgiving Sales, Ready-For-Black-Friday Sales, Thanksgiving Day Sales, Black Friday, Day-After-Black-Friday Specials, then 3 weeks of Christmas Countdown Sales...
Enough already.

Wait until one holiday is over and done before decorating and promoting the  next one... 
No Thanksgiving promos until after Halloween.
And no Christmas music or decorations until December 1st.
Give it a rest already...
After more than four weeks of Jingle Bells I'll definitely ready for a Silent Night.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

New Range Report

(Well, not really new, just new to me....)

My man Chuck at Beaches Pawn turned me on to a shooting range out near Marsh Landing not too long ago.

If you drive out to the Beaches on JTB, you might have noticed a wooden tower out in the boonies east of the Intercoastal (a/k/a "the Ditch").
The tower is part of the FOP Lodge #17, and is next to the pistol range out there.

The range as viewed from the tower.

The FOP lodge runs the range and they also have a pretty nice meeting hall out there.

The Lodge

I've been to a couple shindigs out there now, and the facilities are great. The pistol range is private, for members of the Sawgrass Sport Shooting Association. To join the SSSA, you first must join the FOP.
Its not too bad of a deal-
So, join the FOP lodge, apply for membership at the SSSA during one of their monthly meetings (1st Tuesday of the month), pay your initial membership fee, and you're almost there.

There is a mandatory 4 hour firearm safety course that you must attend before you are a full member... There was a training class a week or so back that I attended as part of my application...
It was an excellent class-
3 hours of classroom time, then an hour (more like 2 hours) of range time, working on practical handling and basic pistol drills.

There were 16 people in the class, 9 new shooters and 7 experienced shooters...


Instructor Cooper addressing the class.

We practiced basic point-and-shoot, center-of-mass shooting, one-to-the-chest-one-to-the-head, two-to-the-chest-one-to-the-head, one-hip-one-chest-one-head, then the "Bill Drill"- Five in the chest, one in the head.


Brandon and Dave punching holes in paper plates.


Carolyn, Dwight and Elizabeth working on shooting posture.


Working on the three-shot drills.

After the class there was a steel plate competition and a turkey shoot...
(Our instructor Cooper won the plate shoot, and Dwight won the turkey shoot.)
That evening there was the annual SSSA/FOP Barbeque... SSSA President Steve Guthrie cooked ribs and chicken and Yours Truly fried two turkeys for the party...

That evening they had a dedication ceremony- officially naming the range after one of the founding members, designating it the SSSA Paul Brown Firearms Range.
Mr Brown was in attendance, and was speechless when the new sign was unveiled.

The next meeting will be Tuesday, hopefully I'll get sworn in, learn the secret handshake and the combination to the range gate padlocks...
Just in time for me to take off to Vancouver, Boston and other places until March of next year... So I guess I'll have to wait until after the Olympics are over to start enjoying the shooting gallery.
Woo hoo!

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Snacktime.

When I look at this pic I can hear Mark (the Master's Leprechaun) say,
"I'm on it like a rat on a Cheeto."

I'm sure there's also a joke here about there being a prize in the package, but I'll just avoid that one...

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Thanksgiving Travelers

For all the folks out there traveling this weekend to see friends and family, please be safe in your car, airplane, motorcycle, skateboard, steamship or however you are getting to where you are going.

No road rage, aggressive driving, driving under the alcafluence of incohol, eating while driving, cooking while driving, or doing anything other than driving while driving.

And a quick tip from your Uncle Jay-
If you are in traffic out there on the Interstate, keep your hands at the old "10 & 2" or "3 & 9" or just one hand at 6 o'clock...
One or both hands at the top of the steering wheel is an invitation to a broken nose and/or broken forearms if you have an impact and the airbag goes off.
That airbag is going to drive your arm back into your face at 200 mph...
Its a rather rude awakening.

Have a great Thanksgiving.
(Or for Luc up in Montreal, have a good, uh, Thursday. Enjoy the poutine.)

TBG - ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒΕ

New Technology Nuisance

With the proliferation of cellphone cameras, candid picture taking has become so common that you must be on-guard at all times...
(Especially if you go to WallyWorld without due consideration for your wardrobe or appearance.)

Your office-perv voyeurs have also found the Cellphone Camera to be a boon during boring meetings and conferences...


...but occasionally they get busted.

Nice try, Scumbag.

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

In His Own Image...

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Sorority Ethics

You've gotta love those Westside girls...
(NSFW- Language)

A Day in the Life Under Obamacare

Johnny AveragePerson is 63 years old. He is in relatively good health. His wife passed away six years ago. He has a daughter living in Florida and a son who lives in New Jersey. Johnny lives in Brooklyn, New York and works at a bank, commuting into Manhattan each day.
Today is a pleasant spring day in May; Johnny has just gotten off the morning train and walks into the corner deli to get a doughnut and a cup of coffee. Let’s listen in!

Johnny: Let me get a chocolate doughnut and a regular cup of coffee with half and half.

Female Clerk: Can I see your medical ID card?

Johnny: Here you go (Digs in his wallet and hands her the card)

Female Clerk: Sir, I just scanned your card and it says that your cholesterol is high.

Johnny: I know, I just saw the doctor yesterday. He said it was a bit high but that it wasn’t anything to be concerned about.

Female Clerk: It’s above the limit to sell you a doughnut.

Johnny: That’s ridiculous! I always get a doughnut in the morning.

Female Clerk: I’m sorry (Hands Johnny back his medical ID card).

Johnny: Look, the doctor said my cholesterol wasn’t even high enough to warrant giving me Crestor. He said he would prescribe Crestor but he could only prescribe it if my cholesterol was higher!

Female Clerk: Would you like a bran muffin?

Johnny: No! I want a chocolate doughnut!

Female Clerk: I’m sorry. Look, there are other people in line. I can’t sell you a doughnut.

Johnny: So my cholesterol is too low to get Crestor and too high to buy a doughnut.

Female Clerk: (Getting annoyed) Sir, I don’t make the rules. Now if you’ll excuse me…

Johnny is so irritated when he walks out of the store that he trips on the door jam and falls awkwardly. He hurts his ankle and can’t get up. The clerk, with an annoyed look on her face, calls an ambulance which arrives an hour and a half later. They scoop Johnny up and take him to the hospital. At the hospital, they take x-rays. The doctor walks into the room holding a chart and smiles at Johnny.

Doctor: He puesto toda la información en su carta medica. Lleve la carta a una farmácia y ellos la prepararán la receta.

Johnny: I’m sorry I don’t speak Spanish

Doctor: Enfermera!!

Nurse: The doctor is putting all the information on your medical ID card. Take the card to the pharmacist and have this prescription for painkillers filled. He is listing this as a severe sprain so you should be good to go back to work in two weeks. It’s all down in your card so you shouldn’t have any problem with work compensation for lost time.

Johnny hobbles out of the hospital on crutches with a soft cast on his foot. He heads to the nearest pharmacy.

Johnny: Hi, I want to have a prescription filled.

Pharmacist: Well, let’s just see what we’ve got here. May I have your medical ID card please?

Johnny hands over his card...

Pharmacist: Let’s just put it in the scanner....

Johnny: Is there a problem?

Pharmacist: The scanner doesn’t seem to want to read your card. Did you put your card next to a magnet or some electronic device?

Johnny: No

Pharmacist: Well, I’m afraid you’re going to have to fill out this form to get a new medical ID card. You have to send the card and the form to this address, along with a $75 fee and you should have your new ID card in about 2 weeks.

Johnny: What about my pain killers. I’m in pain here!

Pharmacist: I can give you Advil, that’s it. I’m really sorry.

Johnny leaves the pharmacy and hobbles home. About two weeks go by. Johnny has not received his new card yet. He has not gotten paid anything from work or workman’s comp, or anything to cover his medical expenses. Worst of all, the pain in his ankle has gotten worse, not better. He can’t wait anymore and calls a number to get some help…

Johnny dials the phone: 1-8-8-8-U-S-A-H-E-A-L-T-H-C-A-R-E

Phone: Welcome to the United States Health Care System. Para información en español, marque ocho

Phone: If you would like to participate in a brief survey, please press 7 now.

Phone: If you are calling about finding a doctor, press 1. If you are calling about a claim, press 2. If you are calling about a lost or damaged card, press 3, If you are calling about our new super saver insurance plan, please press 4…

Johnny: Oh what the hell!…. Presses 2

Phone: Please enter you medical ID number, followed by the pound sign.

Johnny: Shoot, where did I put that claim form… Here it is. Presses: 02A9207C1-9965429B….waits….nothing happens…oh…presses #

Phone: Thank you. Please wait while we retrieve your records….OK, I’ve got your records here. What would you like to do? Press 1 if you would like to find a doctor, Press 2 if you are calling about a claim…

Johnny: I just did this!!

Phone: I’m sorry, I did not understand you. Press 1 if you would like to find a doctor, Press 2 if you are calling about a claim…

Finally after about 45 minutes, Johnny gets someone on the phone

Medical Rep: Good afternoon, this is Emir, how can I help you today?

Johnny: OK, I fell about two weeks ago. I hurt my ankle and they said it was a sprain but it’s been two weeks and it still really hurts. I haven’t been able to get any pain killers and I can’t get an appointment with the doctor because my card was damaged and I haven’t gotten any money back either and I’ve got bills to pay.

Emir: I think I can help you with that sir. May I have your medical ID number?

Johnny: 02A9207C19965429B

Emir: OK, I see your record. You sprained your ankle.

Johnny: I think it’s worse than a sprain. This is killing me!

Emir: Well, the x-rays were negative. I see that you’re 63 years old. Would you like to set up a counseling session?

Johnny: Counseling???? What the f#@% do I need counseling for?

Emir: We would have to schedule an MRI to see if there is any damage but that is very expensive and anyone over 60 is recommended to take counseling before we put them on the MRI waiting list.

Johnny: I’m really in pain here.

Emir: OK sir I can do that for you. I have to tell you though, that for people your age, I can’t guarantee an MRI for anytime within this month or next. There might be an opening in July. However if you take the counseling session, you might be able to get in there earlier.

Johnny: I’ll take the counseling session, if that’s the only thing I can do.

Emir: Very well. I can do that for you sir. Can you make it on Tuesday the 14th?

A meeting for counseling is set up. Johnny’s ankle has gotten very bad. He comes into the meeting sweating, not feeling well at all. He meets with a counselor by the name of Mica.

Mica: Mr. Averageperson, I’m very pleased to meet you! Please have a seat!

Johnny: Thank you. Listen I’m really not feeling well. I don’t need counseling. I need to see a doctor.

Mica: Mr. Averageperson, I think I can arrange to get you pills that will make you feel better.

Johnny: That would be great.

Mica: I’m going to be very frank with you Mr. Averageperson. Looking at you I can see that you are not well. The government just has so much money to spend on care and there are people who have a better chance of living longer, healthier lives than you do.

Johnny: I just hurt my ankle. This can be healed.

Mica: But at what cost Mr. Averageperson, at what cost?

Johnny: I’m not an old man!

Johnny disappeared soon after that. A couple of people in the Health Administration Department were reviewing some files and came upon that of Johnny Averageperson.

Person 1: We really didn’t handle this case well. This person should have gotten earlier treatment.

Person 2: Perhaps, but we must have saved, what, $50,000 all told? Maybe $100,000? Isn’t it our job to save money? I think we’ve handled this case extremely well!

 ------------------------------------------------------------

(Oh, you think this can't happen?...)



TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Obamaball

It is the beginning of Barack Obama's second term as president. Obama is getting ready to deliver a much anticipated speech on the state of major league baseball. He is going to propose a stimulus package that is designed to get major league baseball back on its feet. And here he is, the president of the United States, Barack Obama....

Good morning, everybody. Please be seated. Thank you all for being here. Throughout the history of baseball, there have many crises - The black sox scandal in 1919, the strike year of 1994.



Today we face a crisis in the sport of baseball unlike any we have ever seen. We don’t know which players are on steroids. The price of tickets has become unaffordable to the average person. Some teams cannot compete and have to get by with small payrolls while other, more greedy teams, steal the resources necessary to be competitive while the fans of these poorer teams live in despair with no hope in the current season and no future to look forward to. The horrific state of baseball education has resulted in players not running out ground balls or pop ups and has now put us behind Japan and Korea in baseball knowledge and skills.

Quite frankly, the state of baseball is a mess. Owners of major league teams have put their own selfish needs of winning above the good of the sport. Major League baseball has had a win at all costs attitude. It has encouraged trickery and deception and instead of representing all that is good about America, it has represented all of America’s mistakes. As my wife Michelle has told me, “It has become a mean game.” That ends today. Starting today, owners, players and fans must ask themselves not what is good for their team but what is good for the well being of the sport.

For this reason I have worked with my economic team and leaders of both parties on a plan to meet the most urgent challenges in major league baseball. The plan that I will outline today represents not just new policy for baseball, but a whole new approach for the game and for meeting its most urgent challenges. I understand that some might be skeptical of this plan. I get it. I do not want to run Major League baseball. I have enough to do running the banks, car manufacturers and oil companies. While Washington will do everything possible to prevent the catastrophic failure of Major League baseball, it will come with a clear understanding that government support for any team is an extraordinary action that must come with significant restrictions on the sport and on the individual teams that receive support.

Changes to the sport must begin in Washington. Only government can break the vicious cycles that have crippled the game. Baseball must set an example in creating a clean energy economy. For this reason, night games will be a thing of the past. Baseball teams will be allowed one night game per week. By this one action we will save as much energy as we would acquire by drilling in ANWAR. In addition, major league stadiums must immediately stop the wasteful practice of watering the field and the infield dirt. We can live with a weed or two in the outfield and a bit of dust kicking around in the infield.

Baseball must be at the forefront of environmental responsibility. Electronic scoreboards and video screens running throughout the stadium are also wasteful. I am recommending today that baseball return to the days of a person sitting inside a scoreboard manually changing the numbers. Not only will this help the environment, but it will create thousands of jobs. New stadiums built must be retrofitted with windmills and solar panels so that to the extent that energy is used, it will all be self generated. Existing stadiums have one year to comply with adding solar panels and windmills to their structure.

And then there is the issue of travelling in baseball. It is incredibly wasteful and bad for the environment that teams charter their own planes to fly all over the country. Again, baseball must, as the great American institution that it is, set an example. Teams will no longer have the luxury to charter planes to go to all over the country. Teams will need to travel on commercial flights already scheduled. If a team is unable to get all its members on one flight then the team can travel in two or three different flights. It can be possible that a team may get to its scheduled game and all of its players have not arrived yet. For this reason I am proposing that major league rosters expand to 35 players. This way, more jobs will be created and it will be unlikely that the team will arrive at its scheduled game without enough players.

The idea of creating more jobs is an important part of this baseball stimulus package. Baseball has become a game of selfishness, where only a few of the millions who try out for it, get to play on the highest level. One of the causes of this is the pitch known as the curveball. There are players who have been stars in high school and stars in college. Yet when they try out for the major leagues, they are excluded because they are unable to hit this deceptive pitch. Baseball should not be about deception and exclusion. The rules of the game, itself, must change to be more inclusive and fair to the people who desire to play. There will be no more curveballs in baseball, period.

Now there are some pitchers who throw over 95 MPH. Others throw at 86 to 88 MPH. Thus comes the need for trickery on the part of the pitcher who, through no fault of his own, is not able to throw the ball as hard. Currently, the pitcher’s mound is 60 ft, 6 inches from home plate. Starting today, there will be three rubbers on the pitcher’s mound. For those pitchers who throw 93 MPH and harder, they will need to use the rubber that is 70 feet from home plate. Pitchers who throw the ball at 90 to 93 MPH get to use the current rubber of 60 feet, 6 inches. Those who are less fortunate, get to use the rubber that is 59 feet from home plate.

Not only will this policy create more jobs in baseball, eliminate the need for deceptive pitches such as the curveball, it will also eliminate the need for one of the scourges of major league baseball -- steroids. There will be no need for any player to take steroids when the rules of the game don’t reward the unjust advantages that some have over others. If we eliminate these inequities, there will be no need for players to seek dishonest advantages with artificial means.



For this reason we also have to look at other parts of the game as well. Some players can hit a baseball 500 feet while others may top out at hitting a ball 350 feet. Players who are unable to hit a ball over 400 feet will be allowed to use metal bats. Players who attempt to steal a base or try to stretch a single into a double will be suspended. Stealing bases puts undo pressure on both pitchers and catchers and awards the accidental advantages that some players have for being faster than their cohorts.

With these rule changes that I am proposing, thousands of new jobs will open up to people who previously had no hope of ever playing in the major leagues. Therefore it will be incumbent upon baseball to seek out new cities for new teams in order that all the players who were previously shut out from the game find a place to play. I am today putting forth an executive order that baseball expand from 30 to 46 teams in order to provide the necessary opportunities needed for all the players who will now have the right to play.

I must now take a moment to speak about the competitive aspects of baseball. I believe that the rules of baseball were motivated by a sincere desire to create a competitive and honest game. But I also believe that all too often the writers of baseball rules made decisions based on fear rather than foresight; that all too often they trimmed facts and evidence to fit ideological predispositions. Instead of creating a game based on our principles, too often they set those principles aside as luxuries and too many of us -- Democrats and Republicans, politicians, journalists, and citizens -- fell silent. In other words, we went off course. And this is not my assessment alone. It was an assessment that was shared by my Secretary of State, Hillary Clinton, who is a Yankees fan.



We have pitchers throwing inside at hitters with no regard for what might happen if that pitch hits the batter and the harm that the pitch might cause. We have runners trying to break up double plays going into second base without taking into account the well being of the shortstop or the second baseman on the other side of the play. We have fans hating each other. Red Sox fans hating Yankees fans. Mets fans hating Phillies fans. Hatred and the desire to do harm will have no place in the game of baseball. Tonight I seek a new beginning between the owners, players and fans around the world; one based upon mutual interest and mutual respect; and one based upon the truth that the interests of different fans are not exclusive, and need not be in competition. Instead, they overlap, and share common principles – principles of justice and progress; tolerance and the dignity of all human beings.


Now let me be blunt. There are no neat or easy answers here. I wish there were. But I can tell you that the wrong answer is to pretend like this problem will go away if we maintain an unsustainable status quo. As President, I refuse to allow this problem to fester. I refuse to pass it on to somebody else. It is my responsibility to solve the problem. The people elected me president. We won the election. John McCain lost the election. Yet as Senator McCain once said, torture “serves as a great propaganda tool for those who recruit people to fight against us.”

So what does that have to do with major league baseball? In baseball stadiums around the country, fans boo players who make mistakes, players commit acts that can hurt one another, they try to steal bases and humiliate the other team. They do things such as bunt, which causes a third baseman to second guess himself. He wonders “Should I play in?” “Should I play back?” And if, in fact, the hitter bunts, the third baseman is forced to rush in to catch the ball, often without even enough time to catch the ball in his glove, he has to catch it with his bare hand and then try to throw it to first off balance and awkwardly, risking injury to himself and humiliation to his family. Today I am ordering the closing of any baseball stadium that allows these practices to continue.

I must take a moment now to talk about umpires in baseball. Currently umpires call balls and strikes, whether a ball is fair or foul, whether a runner is safe or out. A shortstop may make an amazing play, throw to first on his knees, and yet after all that effort the runner may still be called safe. I am appalled by this inflexible and unfair approach to the game. I am going to increase the number of umpires in each game from 4 to 9. When there is a play that merits further consideration to the infexible rules, umpires will deliberate and vote whether or not to overrule the rule. So in the above play, if the umpires vote 5-4 to overrule the call at first base, the runner will be safe. All umpires will be appointed by me. I won the election and therefore, respectully reserve the right, with all due respect to those who lost the election, to these appointments.

For the reasons I just mentioned and many others, I am extremely proud today to appoint Al Gore as my new baseball czar. Mr. Gore will oversee the spending of money by major league teams. All expenditures by major league teams will need to be approved by my new czar. No team will be allowed to spend more than any other team and all signings of players and coaches, as well as hot dog vendors and ushers, will need approval from the baseball czar. The days of deception and cruelty in baseball are over. The days of the strong teams praying on the weak teams are over. People elected me for change, not to maintain the status quo. In baseball, the strong too often have dominated the weak, and too often those with speed, power, or the ability to throw harder or trick their associates have found all manner of justification for their own privilege in the face of the disadvantages of others.



I am proposing a win-win situation for baseball. I believe with every fiber of my being that in the long run we cannot return baseball to its former glory unless we enlist the power of our most fundamental values. I am going to make the game a beacon of environmental responsibility. I will eliminate the need for anyone to ever try steroids because the rules of the game do not encourage it. I will create hundreds of thousands of new jobs. I will create a game where fans in all cities have hope that their team can win a championship, where good will and mutual respect define the game, not hatred and the desire to do harm. How can anyone be against this plan?

We will not be united and safe if major league baseball continues as a wedge that divides America -- it can and must be a cause that unites us as one people and as one nation. We've done so before in times that were more perilous than ours. We will do so once again. Thank you, God bless you, and God bless the United States of America.

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From my boy Howard J at Endthechange

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE

Survive Canada Tip #1

I'm gearing up for Vancouver 2010...
(See the Countdown to the Left)

Thought I'd share some of the helpful hints for
Survival in Canada...



from Savage Chickens

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE