This is why I only drink Rum.

One 'benefit' of working this tournament is the family environment the pervades the tournament operations staff...
This feeling is engendered by a sit-down meal every night of the tournament...
One of the Ops Staff will be appointed Grillmaster and will light up the BBQ and have a go at burning some snausages and chook (Not sure what 'chook' is... Possibly the brushtailed possum that pissed in the server room as far as I know.). A sixpack or two will materialize from nowhere and a feeling of ease and general good-nature fills the dining tent at Event Ops.

They always press me to have a 'beeah', which I always decline. I'm not a beeah guy.
"Rum is my poison of choice." I tell them, preferring a lemon beverage called Solo as my dinner quaff.

Not last night though... They weren't letting me off so easy.

The Tournament mannger produced a Jeroboam covered with spiderwebs and the dust of half a century.
"You're havin' some wine tonite, mate." He said- fixing me with a withering gaze from his good eye.

A huge unlabeled bottle... That always means trouble...
It was an unusual broken-glass-and-fishhooks kind of wine that had the distinctive bouquet of horseshit and old abattoir sweepings. They said it was best drunk with clenched teeth to prevent the ingestion of any foreign (or domestic) bodies.

I listened as one of the Old Hands waxed rhapsodic about the vintage...

"Connoisseurs will savor the slight tannin taste of old tea leaves and burnt ibis feathers...Possessors of a cultivated palate will admire the initial assault on the taste buds which comes from the careful and loving blending animal manure and shredded automobile tires, strained through a rugby player's soiled jock strap. The wine is matured in pigs bladders to give it a definite and distinctive nose."

I'm given to understand it will be marketed under the 'King of the Jews' brand, as people who drink it for the first time exclaim "Jeeesus Chroist!"

I suggest consumers avoid bringing this wine in contact with eyes and open cuts.
Keep it away from naked flames (both old and new).

Word has it that the first pressings of this wine were awarded the Bronze at the "Kings Cross Transvestites Convention" of 1959...

I manged to pour most of mine into a potted plant near the table, which immediately shriveled to a withered husk then spontaneously combusted.
Shane, one of the Aussies from Accreditations saw me casting about to dispose of my second un-asked-for glass and indicated with a nod and wink that I pour my glass into his...
He did this with several other individuals who were trying to avoid a trip to the local hospital for a stomach pump and dose of antibiotics later in the evening. Most everyone took him up on his effort to "take one for the team", to avoid hurting the feelings of the Octogenarian woman who gave us the bottle...
The last time I saw him he was boarding the subway in Olympic Park headed for Lidcombe, wearing only a pair of pistachio-colored Uggs, Agnieszka Radwanska‘s tennis skirt, and a dog collar.

One tournament day to go, then break down.
I can see that light at the end of the tunnel...