Monday, February 02, 2009

Stuff Women Really Need To Know About Men

Men are From Mars-Women are from Venus

I'm OK You're OK

Chicken Soup for Soul

Personal Relationships for Dummies

There are a thousand "How-To" books on relationships and understanding the other gender...
Women might be a mystery to men, and there has been much rending of garments and gnashing of teeth to try to get men to understand women.

Face it: A guy will spend untold hours, years even, trying to understand the intricacies of the timing and spark advancement in 455 Chevy V-8 Big Block with a 4-barrel Smithson carburetor, but rely on 2 minute, half-heard, completely misunderstood piece of advice from a bartender in a sports bar, and think he now understands women.
Lunacy, right?

But, women aren't doing their part. In order for us to get along at all, there are a few things that they should know about men too:

Let me help you our with a couple of concepts:

  • If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

  • When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
    * Unless the answer is yes.
    * In which case, can he videotape it?

  • Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.

  • Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.

  • Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.
    * Shopping for electronics is not shopping. It's more like research.
    * Auto Parts too.
    * And guns. Can't forget the guns.

  • It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.

  • If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.

  • The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

  • Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

  • Don’t hog the covers. Really.

  • If he has to sit through “The Notebook”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.

  • “Fine.” is not an acceptable way to end an argument.

  • Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

  • If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.

  • Of course he wants another beer.

  • The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.

  • He does not want to be just friends.

  • Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

  • He was not looking at that other girl.
    * Well, okay… maybe a little.
    * Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...

  • He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
    * And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

  • Your dress/butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

  • If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.

  • Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

  • It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

  • Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.

  • Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

  • Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

  • He heard you the first time. Honest.

  • You know, you can ask him out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.

  • Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

  • Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.

  • Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.

  • His bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

  • Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that.


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