If Walls Could Talk...

Hotel rooms...

I have epic tales of hotel rooms from all over the world-
Beijing, London, Hong Kong, Vancouver, Bugtussel Alabama...

I been next door to several rather enthusiastic couples- encounters that ranged from a 6-minute squeak-squeak-squeak, to a full-blown (heh) broken-furniture-and-dented-drywall 3 hour session of monkey lovin'... There was domestic disturbances that involved thrown furnishings and visits from the police.
I was in Houston where the phone rang at 4 AM and the night manager at the front desk told me that the police were in the lobby and wanted to see me.
(It's not what you're thinking... That penguin was over the age of 21.
Someone had broken into my rental car and they needed information for the report.)

I've had the front desk call me to tell me that one of my neighbors were complaining about my snoring...and there was the time I woke up with a potted palm from the elevator lobby in bed with me.

Did I tell you about the time we got a key for one of our co-workers rooms and removed *everything* from his room? Everything. All furniture. His stuff. The shower curtain. We got in trouble for that one...
(Here lies wisdom: If you unplug the TV, you will get a visit from Hotel Security.)

I was in a room in Mexico City where the Front Desk gave someone else my room. I was getting unpacked and the door opened- and I scared the crap out of a jet-lagged businessman from Texas. (I saw him in the bar later that week and we talked about the incident.) And I have walked in on people in flagrante delicto when I was given the keys for the wrong room...

Hotel room stories are really "Twilight Zone" stuff sometimes...

Now days, when I stay in a hotel, the absolute first thing I do is take the top cover/comforter off the bed, handling it as little as possible, and sticking it in the closet. Two other tips- don't use the telephone (the housekeeping staff never disinfects that thing) and use rubber gloves handling the TV remote (for the same reason).

What you hope went on in the room the night before your stay.


In reality...


The housekeeping staff going through all your shit...


A "Business Meeting"...


Some of the guests from the wedding going on in the Magnolia Room used the room to change before the wedding... then afterwords...


So... Where did you think the low-budget porn you download off the Interweb is filmed?


"Hello, Front Desk? We've got a 'Number 6'. We're going to need a mop-and-bucket crew up in room 2715."


A little Christmas spirit for two department store Santas and their elves... They hired the twin hookers from down in the lobby bar.


You know, if you made that stop in South Carolina at Joker Joe's, it's important that one of you stay awake with the boys...especially if they know where the matches are.


For some off reason, I usually get the room next to this one during my visits to Hong Kong...


...or I'm across the hall from these idjits.


Hello- Front desk? This is The Big Guy in room 2715...
Could you send housekeeping up here? There is a mysterious substance on the floor in my room, and it's trying to crawl into my suitcase.
Tell 'em to hurry.
Thankew.


TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE