Friday, August 08, 2008

C'mon, New Guy. Just Order your F*ing Coffee.

Ah, you can always spot the new arrivals to Beijing.

The latest bonehead to entertain us was the self-important ass who stood at the No-Bucks in the commissary and placed his normal high-maintenance-too-impressed-with-myself bullshit order with the diminutive Chinese barista.
These girls only know about 6 phrases and orders... Coffee, Caffe Mocha, Caffe Latte, Iced Latte, Cappuccino, and tea.
And everything is one size... None of the Tall, Grande, Venti, Bueno Grandissimo, or any other No-Bucks-centric coffee language.
One size.

The Self-Important Ass placed his well-rehearsed order...
"Give me a Double Venti half-caf soy latte, and a double shot skinny latte with hazelnut."
The girl behind the counter looked at him with a look of embarrassment.
"Ummm...Two latte?" she asked, picking out the only word she knew.
"Didn't you hear me? Double Venti half-caf soy latte. Double shot skinny latte with hazelnut." saying it louder, hoping more volume would help her understand the foreign words.

His companion studied the rather sparse menu...
I could see him warming up to order a decaf venti-3 pump sugar free vanilla- 3 pump sugar free cinnamon-nonfat-no whip-no foam-stirred latte, and if he did I was going slap him with a slice of Butterfish.

Some other interesting things I've heard at the NoBucks in the NBC Commissary in Beijing:

"Does a Frappachino have ice in it?"

"Can I have a cold hot chocolate?"

"What's in your iced coffee?"
(There's actually kittens in there, and maybe some urine.)

"Do you have any sandwiches?"

"Which drink has the least amount of calories?"

Jeebus, people. Read the menu.
Caffe Mocha
Caffe Latte

Order and get the hell out of the way. And the next idiot who orders a Non-Fat Whipped Soy on iced Carmel Macchiato with mocha and caramel drizzle gets a size 14 tennis shoe up their ass.


1 comment:

Anonymous said...

Wouldn't you think that after all the public ridicule of these SIA's in TV ads, TV shows, and movies that they would recognize themselves and knock that crap off? Wouldn't you think they'd realize that NO ONE is impressed?

As an aside, I was living in Seattle during the birth and initial mania of Starbucks. A downtown barista told me then that he and his co-workers call a decaf-skinny a "why bother". I always thought that apropos.

My "vice" of choice? A triple-tall-skinny, one Splenda, no foam. Foam takes up too much room for no apparent reason and I don't need the fat and calories in whole milk. I hope that doesn't sound too SIA. :)