Thursday, September 30, 2010

Fearsome Beasties

Jeebus Pete, I thought the Bearsharktopus was a nightmare...

Now we have...

Bastard must spin a helluva web...


A New Twist On An Old Favorite

My friend Lisa over at Homesick Texan has a new recipe posted...

Chocolate Chip Pecan Cookies
...the twist?
She made them with bacon grease.

Photo:Homesick Texan

Lots of tasty stuff over at Homesick Texan...
I used here Coffee-Chipotle rub recipe not too long ago.
Awesome, as all her recipes are.
Go, visit, be enthralled.


Wednesday, September 29, 2010

Owwwwwwwwwwwww! - Bad Tattoo Customer

Are you sure you want this tattoo?

Isn't there a law about not tattooing drunk people?


Monday, September 27, 2010

Trick or Treat

Got any candy? How about a small pet?


Welcome to Irony

Population: This guy.

Segway company owner dies in fall
British businessman Jimi Heselden, who bought the company last year, dies in a fall off a cliff on his West Yorkshire estate, apparently while riding a Segway.

Local media reports said he was believed to have lost control of his scooter Sunday on a wooded path that runs close to a 30-foot drop to the river.

I'm here to tell ya, those things will kill you.

H/T -SpongeMark, thanx dood.


Friday, September 24, 2010

Calling a Spade a Dirty Damn Shovel.

Genties and Ladlemen: Mr. Charlie Daniels!
Mr. President,
I write this letter as a patriot, a taxpayer, a lifelong resident and as concerned citizen of what I consider to be the greatest nation ever known to man, the United States of America.

I am Caucasian, so let's get the racial aspect out of the way to start with.  This letter has nothing to do with your race. I lived through the cruelty of Jim Crow and segregation and learned early on in my life that the color of my skin does not make me better or worse than any other man.
We all remember Martin Luther King, Jr.'s statement about judging people, not by the color of their skin, but by the content of their character, and I believe that with all my heart.

I believe that America is an exceptional country.  We have been liberator, benefactor and leader of the free world for centuries.  America is an example of what can be achieved by free people living under the free enterprise system.

We have led the world in technology, industry, science and medicine for a long time.
Our capitalist system guarantees that those who explore new worlds and bring us new products and better techniques are amply rewarded for their efforts, and this is as it should be.
A person who is the first one to get there and the last one to leave, who burns the midnight oil and never gives up until they realize their goals, are a boon to humankind.  They're the ones who discover new cures, start new industries and create jobs.
These people deserve to be rewarded for their hard work and for the products and services they bring to make life better for all mankind.

Mr. President, it is my personal opinion that you want to take the well-earned rewards of these people and give it to those who have done nothing to deserve them.
It's really redistribution of wealth, and it's nothing new. It's been tried many places before and it has miserably failed in every one of them. 

It's called socialism.

Am I calling you a socialist?  Yes, I am.  I firmly believe that you are a socialist and a globalist, and that you think America should have a comeuppance and have our playing field leveled to match those of other countries not as industrious or as innovative as we are.

Mr. President, how can you support the building of a mosque in the very same area where Islamic radicals murdered so many Americans?
Just who's side are you on?
Am I accusing you of being a Muslim?  No I'm not, but the jury is still out a little bit on that subject in my mind, because many times your sympathies seem to lean in that direction.  You need to watch who you bow to Mr. President.

You have betrayed a whole generation of African-Americans who voted for you because they really believed all that junk about "hope and change," they really thought you were going to do something great and the only thing you've done is to make their jobs disappear and their health insurance go up.

You and your party have corrupted duly elected officials in an effort to get your legislative agenda passed.  Remember the "Louisiana Purchase" and the "Cornhusker Kickback," and that's just a couple we know about, but you bought off a bunch of congressmen and senators, knowing that you were going against the will of the majority of Americans, because you think that you and your arrogant friends know more about what's good for America than the citizens your disastrous actions effect.

Am I accusing you of being an elitist?  You bet.

I don't believe you take the Islamic threat to America nearly as seriously as you should. You use semantics like "Overseas Contingency Operation" and "Man Caused Disasters" to soften your rhetoric toward people who would like nothing better than decapitate the entire population of America.

And Mr. President, if you'd really like to know the kind of warriors who are fighting the "Overseas Contingency Operation," and you would like to really know about what kind of enemies they're fighting, you should read a book called Lone Survivor by a brave, young Navy Seal named Marcus Lutrell who went to hell and back for his country, and is still a dedicated patriot.  I think you'd find it enlightening, Mr. President and after you finish it would you pass it on to Janet Napolitano?  And by the way, tell her that my invitation to take her to Iraq and show her some "Man Caused Disasters" is still open.

Am I calling you naïve?  Absolutely.

You seem to think that America has an endless supply of tax dollars for you to waste and give away, and the debt you've piled up could well bankrupt the greatest nation on earth.

Am I calling you a failure, Mr. President? With all due respect that's exactly what I'm doing.

At Newsbusters


Thursday, September 23, 2010

Classic SNL: At Salisbury Manor...

"Give me a Sandwich and a Douchebag and there's nothing I can't do!"


Wednesday, September 22, 2010

Graphically Speaking

I recently came across a archive of American Thinker's Graph-of-the-Day pages.
A Keen Graph of the Obvious
The author (Randall Hoven) includes his reference material locations, so ascertaining the veracity of a given graph is easy to do...
They say that a picture says a thousand words, and these graphs tell the story well...

A few of my favorites...

Unemployment vs. Senate Control

Kinda makes a statement, don't it?

Total Paid Circulation of Newspapers

When I read something on a news aggregator on the Interw3b, then see it TWO days later in the local paper, it doesn't make me want to go out and get a subscription...
These days Old Media=Old News 

 Hate crimes committed against Muslims


Executions and Homicide Rates

It's not all politically slanted...

Useful info... If you're REALLY into fresh coffee.

Oooh. Another Hate Crime graph...

Don't spend too much time out there...


Monday, September 20, 2010

Looking into the Crystal Ball

 UK Proposes All Paychecks Go to the State First
The UK's tax collection agency is putting forth a proposal that all employers send employee paychecks to the government, after which the government would deduct what it deems as the appropriate tax and pay the employees by bank transfer.

Oh HELL no.

 "If HMRC has direct access to employees' bank accounts and makes a mistake, people are going to feel very exposed and vulnerable," Bull said.
 Gee... D'Y'think?
You can betcher sweet ass that The Magic Negro & his Minions are watching this initiative with a great deal of interest...

From my experience:
Gov't screws up and owes average taxpayer money. 
Effort expended by Gov't to correct situation: %.0000000023

Avg Taxpayer screws up and owes Gov't money.
Effort expended by Govt to recover revenue: +400% to 1000%, including but not limited to sending armed IRS agents to Avg Taxpayers home.

When this shit starts to come down, I will definitely be off the grid.

Time to start seriously looking for my sailboat...

h/t to Katie at Pirates!


Sunday, September 19, 2010

Look What's on the CalendARRRR!

Well blow me down, Constant Readarrrrs!
If it ain't "Talk Like a Pirate Day" again!

(If'n ye don't remember, here's a heap o' goodies from TLAPD from days gone by...)

And of course, we need a smidge o' piratical booty (both, types, matey...) for this year.

So. Pirate booty, comin' up. Here ya arrrrrre.

"Some of us are endowed with more than just a nice booty, if you take my meaning..."

"Captain sez he's ready to give your prostate exam now..."

"Set a course for the nearest Wal Mart. We need to pick up more conditioner and a copy of the latest "Twilight" DVD."

That's probably enuffa that, then...

On to Bad Pirate Humor...

Q. If a pirate's used to bounding over the seas in a pirate ship how does he travel across the country?
A. Why he drives a cARRR or hops on an ARRRplane just like the rest of us.

Q. Do pirates have false teeth?
A. No they just have a pARRRtial plate.

Q. Do pirates prefer MacDonald's or Burger King?
A. Neither. They go to ARRRby's, stupid.

Q. Why are pirates peg-legs made of wood?
A. Because they're all ARRRborists.

Q. That explains the raw materials but how are they designed?
A. They're also ARRRchitects!

Q. Do pirates go to bed early or do they like to stay out late?
A. Silly, pirates love to pARRRty.

Q. If the Village People sing "In the Navy" what do pirate people sing?
A. "In the ARRRmy.

Q. Do pirates work very hard at their profession?
A. ARRRdently!


Be Specific...

If you were in the upstairs hallway near my office on Thursday afternoon you might have heard the following exchange:

Irritating IDSer: "So... What ARE you good at?"
Yours Truly: "Hmmm. Excellent question."
(Dramatic pause while I filter through possible answers for the appropriate reply]
YT: "I'm great in bed."
IIDSer: "Wow. That's a bold statement."
YT: "Yep. I can sleep for days."
IIDSer: [shakes head, walks away.]
The truth hurts, I guess.


Saturday, September 18, 2010

Liberal Idiots

For a fun Saturday read, here's a little something from the Doorknob file to amuse you while I'm off actually doing something productive...

You'll enjoy this compendium of wisdom and brilliance from the Left end of the socio-political spectrum.
(Note: No TRav quotes here, although he probably would qualify.)

1. Sheryl Crow on Environmentalism: "I propose a limitation be put on how many sqares [sic] of toilet paper can be used in any one sitting. Now, I don't want to rob any law-abiding American of his or her God-given rights, but I think we are an industrious enough people that we can make it work with only one square per restroom visit, except, of course, on those pesky occasions where 2 to 3 could be required."
[Dear Sheryl: You. Must. Be. Shitting. Me. Kidding.]

2. Joe Biden on culturalism: "In Delaware, the largest growth of population is Indian Americans, moving from India. You cannot go to a 7/11 or a Dunkin' Donuts unless you have a slight Indian accent. I'm not joking."
[Dear Joe: STFU and go get me a Slurpee.]

3. Whoopi Goldberg on 43-year-old Roman Polanski raping and sodomizing a 13-year-old girl: "I know it wasn't rape-rape. It was something else but I don't believe it was rape-rape. He went to jail and and [sic] when they let him out he was like "You know what this guy's going to give me a hundred years in jail I'm not staying, so that's why he left."
[Dear Whoopi: If rape and sodomy is not "rape-rape", I can't begin to fathom what you'd consider REAL rape.]

4. Joy Behar on Economics: "Isn't it a little racist to call it Black Friday?"
[Dear Joy: No, it isn't. Until they start referring to it as "N****r Friday", just shut up and drink your coffee.]

5. John Conyers on the Health Care Bill, which he voted for: "I love these members, they get up and say, ‘Read the bill ... What good is reading the bill if it's a thousand pages and you don't have two days and two lawyers to find out what it means after you read the bill?'"
[Dear John: If it's too complicated to read and explain to your constituents, it's too damn complicated.]

6. Former DNC Chairman Donald Fowler on possible delay of RNC convention due to Hurricane Gustav: "Plus they think the hurricane's going to hit (starts laughing) New Orleans about the time they start. The timing, at least it appears now, that it'll be there Monday. That just demonstrates God's on our side"
[Dear Donald: I have it on good authority that God is a Conservative...
We have the Ten Commandments ... If He was a Liberal we'd have Ten Suggestions.]

7. Barack Obama: "I've now been in 57 states? I think one left to go?"
[Dear Conservatives: Can't you tell when someone is making a joke about being fatigued from being on the road for a long time? Let this one go.]

8. John Kerry on the troops: "You know, education, if you make the most of it, you study hard, you do your homework and you make an effort to be smart, you can do well. If you don't, you get stuck in Iraq."
[Dear John: Shut up and go sit on your yacht in Rhode Island and spend your wife's money.]

9. Howard Dean: "We know that no one person can succeed unless everybody else succeeds."
[Dear Howard: That kind of thinking is the basis of Marxism... You know this, right?]

10. Rosie O'Donnell: "Don't fear the terrorists. They're mothers and fathers."
[I don't even know how to start to describe the stupidity of this quote.]

11. Al Gore: "During my service in the United States Congress, I took the initiative in creating the Internet."
[By same logic, then, I guess I personally took initiative and provided integral inspiration for the USA Basketball team's victory over Spain and Greece during the USAB games a couple weeks ago.]

12. Congressman Hank Johnson on Guam: "My fear is that the whole island will become so overly populated that it will tip over and capsize,"
[We'll ignore the obvious stupidity and suggest that there are several places in danger if Mr. Johnson's tectonic fears were reasonable... Guam does have a high density at 324 people per square kilometer (/K2)... But what about Puerto Rico at 448 people /K2? And Taiwan is almost double Guam at 639/K2. And Hong Kong is really up there with 6,348/sq km. The place that Mr. Johnson should be concerned with is Macau, with 18,534/K2.]

13. Alan Grayson on Health Care: "The Republican health care plan: don't get sick ... The Republicans have a back up plan in case you do get sick ... This is what the Republicans want you to do. If you get sick America, the Republican health care plan is this: Die quickly!"
[I'm so embarrassed that this idit is from Florida.]

14. Nancy Pelosi on the economy: "every month that we do not have an economic recovery package 500 million Americans lose their jobs." (Note, she's made this "mistake" several times...)
[Nancy has no problem throwing numbers like million and trillion around...
Yes, Nancy, almost twice the entire population of the US are losing their jobs each month.
Someone with this complete lack of comprehension should NOT be spending other people's money.]

15. Helen Thomas: Jews should "get the hell out of Palestine" and "go home" to Germany and Poland.
[Ah, that's the completely unbiased media I know and loathe.]

16. Wanda Sykes: "I think Rush Limbaugh was the 20th hijacker but he was just so strung out on Oxycontin he missed his flight ... Rush Limbaugh -- I hope the country fails. I hope his kidneys fail, how about that? He needs a waterboarding, that's what he needs."
[Hey Wanda... You don't have a lot of room to tell people what they need... Stick with comedy... And TRY to make it funny.]

17. Bill Clinton on ordinary Americans: "African Americans watch the same news at night that ordinary Americans do."
[Was he thinking that the American Public is under the impression that African Americans are watching CBS News... 'Cause nobody's watching that steaming pile of shit...]

18. Barack Obama on a tornado that killed twelve people: "In case you missed it, this week, there was a tragedy in Kansas. Ten thousand people died - an entire town destroyed"
[Again, when a politician thinks 12=10,000, they shouldn't be in charge of anything more complicated than bagging groceries.]

19. Harry Reid on Iraq: "This war is lost and the surge is not accomplishing anything."
[Will someone go buy this poor asshole a newspaper and teach him to read it.? Kthxbai.]

20. Kanye West: "George Bush doesn't care about black people."
[I think we can safely ignore anything and everything Kanye West ever says or does. Douchbag.]

21. Joe Biden on the economy: "The number one job facing the middle class, and it happens to be, as Barack says, a three-letter word: jobs. J-O-B-S."
[Seems to be a "Liberals Can't Count" theme here..."]

22. Janeane Garofalo: "The reason a person is a conservative republican is because something is wrong with them. Again, that's science - that's neuroscience. You cannot be well adjusted, open-minded, pluralistic, enlightened and be a republican."
[Neuroscience? Really? Janeane, honey, go back to stand-up comedy. Your whole "teabaggers are homophobic racists who hate the black president" thing is getting tiring.]

23. Joe Biden on History: "When the stock market crashed, Franklin D. Roosevelt got on the television and didn't just talk about the, you know, the princes of greed. He said, 'Look, here's what happened."
[Too bad no one had television sets to watch this famous broadcast. It would have been awesome.]

24. Ted Rall: "Over time, however, the endless war in Iraq began to play a role in natural selection. Only idiots signed up; only idiots died. Back home, the average I.Q. soared."
[Except, of course, cartoonists from Columbia University, who are still dumb as a box of hammers.]

25. Michael Moore on terrorism: "There is no terrorist threat. Yes, there have been horrific acts of terrorism and, yes, there will be acts of terrorism again. But that doesn't mean that there's some kind of massive terrorist threat."
[The same guy who recently said that the McDonalds at Ground Zero killed more Americans than the terrorists. FTMF]

26. Henry Waxman on Environmentalism: "We're seeing the reality of a lot of the North Pole starting to evaporate, and we could get to a tipping point. Because if it evaporates to a certain point - they have lanes now where ships can go that couldn't ever sail through before. And if it gets to a point where it evaporates too much, there's a lot of tundra that's being held down by that ice cap."
[Mr Waxman needs to compare notes with Congresscritter "Guam's gonna capsize" Johnson.]

27. Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, DC: "If you take out the killings, Washington actually has a very very low crime rate."
[Uh, Mr. Barry? You're crack dealer just called. You left your brains in the back of his Lexus...] 

28. California Senator Barbara Boxer: "Those who survived the San Francisco earthquake said, ‘Thank God, I'm still alive.' But, of course, those who died, their lives will never be the same again."
[But you'll still get their votes, eh Babs?]

29. Wesley Bolin, former governor of Arizona: "We'd like to avoid problems, because when we have problems, we can have troubles."
[That's Trouble with a capital "T" and that rhymes with "P" and that stands for Problems.]

30. Senator Chris Dodd, while on the campaign trail: "Eight more days and I can start telling the truth again" Sen. Chris Dodd, on the campaign trail.
[You've been lying since you got into politics 35 years ago... Why start telling the truth now?]

31. Melissa Lafsky, Huffington Post blogger: "[Mary Jo] would have thought about arguably being a catalyst for the most successful Senate career in history ... Who knows -- maybe she'd feel it was worth it."

32. Joe Biden on the passage of the Health Care Bill: "This is a big fucking deal!"
[That's the same thing I thought when I saw Biden in Boston earlier this year.
"Big fucking deal."]

33. Bill Clinton: "It all depends on what the meaning of the word ‘is' is."
[In this particular case: "is"="you're fucked." At least Clinton was just screwing his intern(s)... 
The Magic Negro is screwing over the entire country.]

34. Jerry Brown, former governor of California, and current candidate for the same position: "The conventional viewpoint says we need a jobs program and we need to cut welfare. Just the opposite! We need more welfare and fewer jobs."
[Which is exactly why California is in the condition it's in today.]

35. Democratic Convention producer Don Mischer, overheard on CNN having an apoplectic seizure when the balloons failed to drop from the ceiling of the Fleet Center in Boston: "Go, balloons. I don't see anything happening. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. Stand by, confetti. Keep coming, balloons. More balloons. Bring them. Balloons, balloons, balloons! More balloons. Tons of them. Bring them down. Let them all come. No confetti. No confetti yet. No confetti. All right. Go, balloons. Go, balloons. We're getting more balloons. All balloons. All balloons should be going. Come on, guys! Let's move it. Jesus! We need more balloons. I want all balloons to go. Go, confetti. Go, confetti. Go, confetti. I want more balloons. What's happening to the balloons? We need more balloons. We need all of them coming down. Go, balloons. Balloons. What's happening balloons? There's not enough coming down. All balloons! Why the hell is nothing falling? What the f--- are you guys doing up there? We want more balloons coming down. More balloons. More balloons."
[What exactly happens when you inhale too much helium?]

36. Marion Barry, former mayor of Washington, DC: "I am clearly more popular than Reagan. I am in my third term. Where's Reagan? Gone after two! Defeated by George Bush and Michael Dukakis no less."

37. Bill Clinton: "I have never had sexual relations with Monica Lewinsky. I've never had an affair with her."
[Thanks for opening that door for hunderds of thousands of teenagers to duck the truth when asked about their activities by their parents.]

38. Joe Biden, on the mother of Irish Prime Minister Brian Cowen, who is, in fact, still alive: "His mom lived in Long Island for ten years or so. God rest her soul. And- although, she's- wait- your mom's still- your mom's still alive. Your dad passed. God bless her soul."
[Gaffe-master Biden, back in the house....]

39. Al Gore on zoology: "A zebra does not change its spots."
[Unless it might prove somehow that the Earth is getting warming due to man-made causes.]

40. Rod Blagojevich, former governor of IL: "I'm blacker than Barack Obama. I shined shoes. I grew up in a five-room apartment. My father had a little laundromat in a black community not far from where we lived. I saw it all growing up."
[Don't get me started on the "Blacker than Obama" thing.]

41. Congresswoman Debbie Wasserman Schultz on the newly passed health care law: "We actually have not required in this law that you carry health insurance."
[With Obamacare, you don't carry health insurance; Insurance carries you. To the cleaners.]

42. Congressman John Dingell on freedom: "The harsh fact of the matter is when you're passing legislation that will cover 300 million American people in different ways, it takes a long time to do the necessary administrative steps that have to be taken to put the legislation together to control the people."
[Uh, Mr. Dingell... Your Freudian slip is showing...]

43. Former Congressman Eric Massa: "Now, they're saying I groped a male staffer. Yes, I did. Not only did I grope him, I tickled him until he couldn't breathe and four guys jumped on top of me. It was my 50th birthday."
[Note to my beloved and thrice-blessed Constant Readers: My 50th is coming soon. This is something I DO NOT WANT.]

44. Congressman Charlie Rangel on our troops: "If a young fella has an option of having a decent career or joining the army to fight in Iraq, you can bet your life that he would not be in Iraq."
[Unless of course he has a love of freedom and a sense of moral duty to his country...]

45. Radio personality Ed Schultz on elections: "If I lived in Massachusetts, I'd try to vote ten times ... Yeah that's right, I'd cheat to keep these bastards out. I would. Because that's exactly what they are."
[So... Massachusettes Conservatives=Bastards. Liberal Radio Talk Show Hosts=Cheats, fraud-comitting Socialists.]

46. John Kerry on health care: "I'm going to be honest with you -- I don't know a lot about Cuba's healthcare system. Is it a government-run system?"
[Yeah- Why don't you take your yacht down there and find out.]

47. Congresswoman Maxine Waters on socialism: "Guess what this liberal would be all about? This liberal will be about socializing...uh, um...Would be about, basically, taking over, and the government running all of your companies."
[Gee... A Socialist in California politics? Say it ain't so! Is anyone surprised by this?]

48. Senator Harry Reid on Barack Obama: "...light-skinned," and with "no negro dialect."

48. Homeland Security Secretary Janet Napolitano on national security, after a man attempted to blow up a commercial airplane with a bomb in his panties: "The system worked."
[Which system would that be, Janet? The one where I can't carry fingernail clippers on a plane, even thought the US Gummint thinks I'm ok to carry a concealed handgun in 37 states?] 

49. Nancy Pelosi on legislation: "But we have to pass the bill so that you can find out what is in it."
[This one always drives me to apoplexy.]

50. Joe Biden to Missouri State Senator Chuck Graham, who is wheelchair bound: "stand up ... Chuck, stand up, Chuck, let 'em see you!"
["Is Chuck a great State Senator? Does a cripple crab crawl? Oh, sorry Chuck..."]


Friday, September 17, 2010

Heading for the Dew Tour?

Helena police are looking for the homes of 10 wayward gnomes found on a Mount Helena trail.
Police Chief Troy McGee says the gnomes were found Monday evening on a popular hiking trail on the city's south side.


The Dew Tour, and more importantly, SpongeMark Squarehands is in Salt Lake City as we speak... It's only 400 or so miles.

Better watch out, Bro... They're heading your way.


Thursday, September 16, 2010

Musical Interlude II

Obam-m-ma (5x)

He wants to tax us like they do in Europe, jeez
Hope and change and unicorns and socialists appease (dont want it)
Peace, blame, opposition to all those who dont give in
And after weve been taken hell be shakin with a grin

oh o-oh oh oh, o-o-o-o-o-oh
Hell take a lot, take all that weve got

no you cant, no you cant
no, you can't trust that joker face
(We ain't gotta love Obama)

j-j-j-joker face, j-j-joker face

The teleprompter says let me be clear, but gee
He lies to us, that's when we say don't tread on me (what of it?)
the Nobel Peace Prize ain't the same when it is won
for showing just potential, not for something he has done (done)

oh o-oh oh oh, o-o-o-o-o-oh
We cant be bought, his lies are for naught

no you cant, no you cant
no, you cant trust that joker face
(We ain't gotta trust Obama)

j-j-j-joker face, j-j-joker face

Obam-m-ma (2x)

He wont tell you what it costs you, better for you
cause hes lyin and hes tryin
to pass healthcare, people dyin with big lines arrivin (duh)
just like all patients in Canada, make you wait before they check you out
Make promises, promises
Check those words cause hes devious

no you cant, no you cant
no, you cant trust that joker face
(We are saying NO Obama!)

j-j-j-joker face, j-j-joker face
j-j-j-joker face, j-j-joker face


Figures... Had to be in Texas.

Deep-fried beer invented in Texas

Inventor Mark Zable:
"Nobody has been able to fry a liquid before. It tastes like you took a bite of hot pretzel dough and then took a drink of beer."

Clever, them Texicans...


Wednesday, September 15, 2010

Stop Helping Me!

Jeebus on an bright red pogo stick,
I think you people believe that I actually enjoy sitting in TSA interrogation rooms.

Just in via Constant Reader Luc, who hails from Canuckistan...

From: Luc
SUB:I have to share this one

How to scare the nosy bastard sitting beside you in a plane....

1. Take out your laptop
2. Open it slowly and calmly
3. Start it
4. Make sure the annoying a-hole is looking at your screen
5. Close your eyes and look up at the sky
6. Take a deep breath and click on THIS
Then say outloud "ALLAH OUAKBACH"
(Which is Frog/Canuckistani for "Allahu Akbar" - TBG)

Dude... Seriously.
Why do you send me this stuff when you KNOW there is an excellent chance that I will use this knowledge to do something foolish stupid incarceration-enabling?

Besides- it needs to be done on a plane with WiFi access...
Hmmm... Delta does offer WiFi To Go on most flights these days.

But wait...
How about doing it while standing at a concourse window watching a flight pulling away from the gate?
Perhaps an El Al Flight?

See... That's how it starts...
Someone sends a funny e-mail...
Then I wind up in a holding cell in Newark recovering from a pepper spray facial and sporting a size 14 colon from the over-enthusiastic cavity search.

Thanks Luc...
Back to your real job of kicking dead whales down the beach... ;)


Tuesday, September 14, 2010


Not only No but Hell No.

No F%$@&ing Way.

Not even "For flights anywhere from one to possibly even up to three hours ..."


Monday, September 13, 2010

Boy, I'm Probably Next On The List...

(from the "You've gotta be shitting me" files...)

So... It seems the Magic Negro in the White House is a little thin-skinned...

Seems a 17-year-old kid in the UK sent an email to Obama while under the influence of alcohol, calling the the pResident a "p***k" [Can you figure it out?] and shortly thereafter Homeland Security had a chat with his local police...

The cops came and took some mugshots and told him he'd been band from the US for life.

Read all about it...
"I don't remember exactly what I wrote as I was drunk. But I think I called Barack Obama a p***k. It was silly - the sort of thing you do when you're a teenager and have had a few."

So... Call Urkel a prick and you get banned for life...

Wonder what he's gonna do to all the people that are already here calling him a prick.?
And in regards to the kid, he's banned from coming over through normal channels...
If he sneaks in via the California-Mexico border he'll be eligible for food stamps, housing assistance, free health care, won't have to pay income tax, free education, and if he says something bad about Conservatives he'll be eligible for a a Creative Artist grant from the NEA.


Sunday, September 12, 2010

Driving Music

You never know what will come pouring out of the old iPod when you have it playing for 3 days straight...

On the recent road trip a lot of old stuff that I hadn't heard in awhile bubbled to the surface...

A few lyric samples that I noted as I was moving down the slab...
(Lyrics after the fold)

Saturday, September 11, 2010


"Religion of Peace" my aching, dying ass.

Remember it...


Wednesday, September 08, 2010

Never a Good Sign

Getting on the road this morning was a joy...

As a rule, you usually want to check your cargo in the morning before getting underway, just to make sure:
1. You actually HAVE cargo to haul, in case the local hoodlums decided to relieve you of all that pesky video wall truss or R310 modules that were taking up space in the truck...
2. That all that truss and the video cubes are all snug and secure, not rattling about loose in the back of the truck, awaiting the opportunity to become a projectile aimed at your head, or worse, someone else's head...

So... Everything was A-Ok this AM, but after some Heroic Measures to avoid crushing some idjit in a Mini Cooper with Entitlement issues (He felt he was entitled to the entire freeway, not just his lane...) I heard and felt some shifting and bumping that were out of character for this particular load.

I stopped at a Choke & Puke in Elkton MD to cast an eye on the cargo, again...

Nothing initially looked out of place...
Nine 10' pieces of truss, 4 truss ladders and 6 cases of video mods.

Uh oh...

A slack strap...You never want to see that.
And it's all the way up in front of the truck. This particular strap is supposed to be holding the 6 cases of video modules in place at the front of the truck.
At the moment, it isn't doing anything at all...

To rectify the situation, I had to unstrap the truss, pull it out and away from the video module cases, then crawl across the top of yon aluminum truss to reach the strap what was playing hooky and re-rig so it was doing it's job, and do it in a way that it wouldn't come loose again.

25 minutes later I was back on the road- dripping from working in the microwave oven cargo area, shins and knees bruised and bleeding from crawling back and forth across the top of the truss 4 times to get things tightened up...

It was fortunate I did since I got flagged at the next weigh station in Maryland...

The inspector did a full equipment check, including looking at the cargo and how it was dogged down, then went through my paperwork with a fine tooth comb...
The only complaint?
In my log book I noted I spent the night in Newark MD, instead of Newark DE...
(But the to/from line at the bottom of the HOS log had the correct state, so I guess he felt it was an honest brain fart, not some shenanigans on my part to spoof my driver's log.)

The pillow beckons- Gotta be on the road early... Hope to be back in Jax by noon.


Starbux Monologues 6

They're assimilating our culture, that's what they're doing...
(The subtitle is from a Draco's Tavern story by Larry Niven.)

You know, for the bad rap the USA gets from the foreign press and from the World in general, they (the rest of the world) sure loves some American Stuff...
A total embracing, as it were.

This particular case in point- Starbucks.

We sat in front of the Starbucks for several hours over the course of our stay in Madrid and witnessed some interesting behavior.
1. There was always a line to get a cuppa. Sometimes the line was 15 to 20 people deep and stretched out the door and onto the sidewalk.

2. It wasn't just Americans looking for a slice of home... It was every nationality... Americans, Euro-dweebs, Asians...

3. Logo/Brand Fascination:   While we watched, no less than 13 people (mostly Asians and backpackers) took pictures of the Starbucks sign. What the hell?

With these items in mind the question arises: Why?

It it that Starbucks has a far superior product than any local coffee joint, and is thus stealing the market?

No... Coffee is pretty much coffee, no matter how you dress it up.

Is it that they are undercutting the local price and in doing so, driving the local cafes out of business?

Nope. Not at 4 Euros a cup... no.

Is it that their staff as so efficient, friendly and capable that they just bring people in on the strength of their personalities?


Is it marketing?

Have you seen a basic "Come to Starbucks. We have coffee." commercial?
Nope- (Now I have seen the Via commercials, but that's product specific...)

So what is it about Starbucks, and by extension, some Items Americana that intrigue the world-wide audience?
After all, being served mediocre coffee by disaffected hipsters with infected facial piercings at 6 bucks a shot is hardly a recipe for a Global Hot Beverage Empire, but it seems to be working for them...

(I'm looking for answers here... I sure as hell can't figure this shit out; That's why I'm just a cable-pushing button-puncher instead of a Gazillionaire Entrepreneur...)


Tuesday, September 07, 2010

TSA and Common Sense : Do As We Say, Not As We Do

On the road again...

Went to the airport prepared to poke the bear badger asshats posturing neo-Nazi control-hungry morons in the TSA.
Wore my Blackwater t-shirt since it's been doing such a great job as a dialog catalyst recently.

Got checked in at the ticket counter withoug any problem, even when I questioned the "no seats available in steerage, so I HAVE to buy Economy Plus" policy.
And ran across another new wrinkle in Airline Kabuki... Bring Your Original Credit Card do-si-do.
I saw in my flight notification email and on the United check-in page that I should bring the original credit card when I check in...
Yeah, not gonna happen.
I have to believe that 95% of business travel is booked through a corporate card by a travel department, and IDS is no exception. United Air sez that the credit card check is to ensure against credit card fraud...
Well... It took a good 18 minutes (I checked) to resolve the issue... Sure glad I was there early.
Hey, United... Square away your process. This is redicking fuckulous.

Onward to TSA Screening.

7AM on Tuesday is pretty slow at the Mag & Bag... there were 3 lanes open, 2 or 3 people in line at each lane, and 3 people in the line for the primary screening.

I get in line.
Get to the front and show my ticket and my ID... My state-issued Florida CCW permit.
(Hey, I've got time, and infinite paitence. Besides, I need fodder for the blog and perhaps an article for the local newspaper.)
The primary ID checker asshat TSA Agent takes my papers and looks through them...
Ticket for a flight this AM to IAD, check.
Name on ticket matches...this here ID... Hold the phone!
He looks at the ID, looks at me over his glasses...
TSA Agent: "Really?"
Yours Truly: "Yes... Is there a problem?"
TSA: {heavy sigh} "No... Not really... But you ought to use a little common sense."
(Really? You want to go there? Ok... Let's go.)
YT: "Like the common sense TSA uses when y'all confiscate toenail clippers in the name of National Security?"
TSA Asshat's fuse is lit and burning...
TSA: "You got any other ID?"
YT: "Nope- not handy. My passport is on the way to New York to get a visa stamp."
TSA: "Drivers License?"
YT: "In my checked bag, in my driver's kit with my HOS trip log, med card and insurance paperwork."
TSA: "Nothing else?"
YT: "No... But you really don't need anything else. Here- here's the printout of the page of the TSA website regarding Proper ID... Right here..." I start pulling a sheet of paper from my bag.... Asshat interrupts me...
TSA: {Angry glare} "I don't need that...Here. Lane 3."
(Shoves my ticket and ID at me.)
YT: "Thanks- Have a great day."

I expected some kind of hassle at the Mag & Bag, but I sailed through without even a secondary bag check... Odd, considering the amount of crap I carry in my backpack.
I'm averaging about 50/50 on secondary screening... Considering my initial destination (Washington DC) I would have thought they'd give my bag at least and swabbing for the mass-spectrometer.
Oh well... On to the gate.
90 mins to DC, another hour to PVD.

Life's a carnival... Don't waste your money on the midway attractions...


Monday, September 06, 2010

Hey, All You Cousin-Humping Socialist Incumbents...

...And all the rest of the "we're too important to listen to our constituents" asshats too...


Sunday, September 05, 2010

The Word Gullible is Written on the Ceiling.

Do the airlines take us for complete fools?

Apparently so...

The seating chart for my flight to DC:

So, United Airlines...
You expect me to believe that:
1. 14 people (Frequent flyers with elite status, or people who paid $39.00 extra) chose middle seats in Economy Plus when aisle and window seats were available?
2. There are absolutely NO seats available back in steerage?

"Sorry- no seats! That's a damned shame...
If you want a reserved seat, that'll be $39.00.
Tote up another one on the register, Jocko!" KaChing!

C'mon... I was born at night, but not LAST night....

Is there anyone out there that DOESN'T believe that the airlines are screwing us out of every possible dime and nickle?

Uncle Jay is checking his crystal ball...
Within the next year, possibly before the Christmas Travel Rush, US Airlines are going to start charging for carry-ons... Either by saying they are over a certain weight or exceeding a size dimension...
Remember, you heard it here first.


Thursday, September 02, 2010

Overheard in the Hall

5:40 PM (EDT)
2nd Floor, IDS Offices

(Footsteps approaching from down the hall: flip, flop, flip, flop)
Croc: "Hey, what are you still doing here?"
Unknown NewMedia respondee: "US Open mumble mumble mumble"
Croc: "Go home! We ain't saving lives here...It's only tennis... "

Ah, Croc... Ever ready with a great line.


Earl and Danielle Are Making Things Interesting at the Beach

Jax Beach Surf Cam

Looking around for good sites for hurricane tracking, I came across a great site...

Nice interface, not cluttered with ads and crap (yet).


Lessons From The School of Hard Knocks

Greetings Constant Readers...
Having finally returned to the Humble Abode and the Main Office, I am now in the recovery stages from the USAB adventure and the Long Drive Home...
I have several more episodes of the Satrbux Monologues to transcribe, and a few other goodies from the trip, so stay tuned.

Meanwhile, here's a little something for you to enjoy while you surf through your lunchtime...
(Because I know you never randomly surf the web during company time.):

My man Og, the Neanderpunit has shared some hard-learned lessons on his site...

Having broken the ten commandments, I tried to move on to the 613 mitzvot, but I don’t know where I’d get a caananite slave, or a yid’oni.

Go, read, be enlightened.