Monday, June 14, 2010


I've been deluged with comparatives lately...

You know what I'm talking about.

I'm as ______ as a _______ .

She's as _______ as ______ .

Two of my recent favorites:
From JR (Fester), [who hasn't made the 'blog since...the beginning of January?] describing his ordeal in Chicago during the Stanley Cup final:
"Man, it's hotter than a soccer mom up here."

All I can say is 'wow'.

And my other current fav came from the Gormogons:
"Respectfully, Mr. Egan, your argument is dumber than snake mittens."
(They credited it to Dilbert via a link.)

Pack rat that I am, I dutifully added them to my ever-growing file folder of "Stuff I Like" and as I am wont to do, I began reviewing said compilation and found the list has grown quite a bit.

Knowing that my beloved Constant Readers would enjoy this bit of lexical tomfoolery,
(and, more important, needing some content to offer up to the same demanding Constant Readers lest they become whining and petulant) please find the following comparatives entertaining.

Or I shall have to go find more pictures of JR and post them.
Basics: As cold as the north side of a titch’s wit.
As cute as a bug’s ear.
As dumb as a doorknob.
As funny as a cigarette machine in a cancer ward.
As horny as a two-peckered billy goat.
As lowdown as a snake’s belly in a wagon rut.
As nervous as a [long-tailed] cat in a roomful of rocking chairs.
As painful as a centipede with sore feet.
As slick as snot on a greased doorknob.
As stupid as a screendoor in a submarine.
As ugly as the south end of a north-bound mule.
As worthless as an egg-sucking hound.
So skinny that, when he drank tomato juice, he looked like a thermometer.
So slow he couldn’t herd turtles.
As busy as a dog in a fire hydrant factory.
Useless as a fork at a soup convention.

Then the barroom/bathroom language sets in...

Built like a brick shithouse.
Feel like shit warmed over.
Looks like he was shot at and missed then shit at and hit.
Raining like a cow pissing on a hard rock.
Went over like pay toilets in the diarrhea ward.
He gets more ass than a toilet seat.
Busier than a one-legged [wo[man]] at an ass-kicking contest.
Colder than a well-digger’s ass.
Colder than a witch’s tit in a brass bra (or nightgown).
Crazier than a shithouse rat.
Funnier than a bubblegum machine in a lockjaw ward.
Lower than a mole’s asshole.
More painful than sliding down a fifty-foot razor blade and falling into a bucket of alcohol.
Better to be pissed off than pissed on.
Tighter than a bull’s ass in fly time.

Sometimes they take a little thought or imagination to figure out where they are taking you...

I gotta pee so bad I can taste it.
Your breath is so bad it could knock a buzzard off a shit wagon.
He has his head so far up his ass he needs a periscope.
Worse than a porcupine doing quality control in a balloon factory.
Busier than a termite with a tapeworm.
Busier than  a one-eyed cat watching three mice.
So horny even the crack of dawn had to be careful around me.
So low you have to carry an umbrella so the ants wont pee on you.
So stupid he thinks the English Channel is a T.V. station.
He's so lazy he married his first wife's sister so he wouldn't have to break in a new mother-in-law.
Cold enough to freeze the dildo off a doorman.
She’s enough to make your tongue hard.
Ugly enough to make a freight train take a dirt road.

Then it really starts to get weird:
Fast as an alligator walking through a handbag factory.
Hot as a piss-ant in a pepper patch in the middle of July.
Run like a striped-assed ape.
So buck-toothed he could eat an apple through a knothole.
So dumb that, if he had another brain, it would be lonesome.
If ignorance was music, he’d have a brass band of his own.
Hot as a June bride in a featherbed.
So awkward he couldn’t hit a bull in the ass with a bass fiddle.
Nervous as a bubble dancer with a slow leak.
Slimy as a couple of eels in a bucket of snot.
Jumpy as an epileptic frog.
So poor he couldn’t make the down payment on a free lunch.
A room so small you had to go outside to change your mind.
Nervous as a pregnant nun at high mass.
So poor that if trips around the world cost a quarter, he doesn't have enough money to get out of sight.
As useless as a condom machine in a convent.

Foghorn Leghorn was all about a good comparison...

Nice girl, but about as sharp as a sack of wet mice.

Subtle as a hand grenade in a barrel of oat meal
He's got more nerve than a bum tooth
Lower than a snake full of buckshot
More mixed up than a feather in a whirlwind
A mouth like an outboard motor
Nutty as a fruitcake
Strong as an ox, and just about as smart

Of course, another of my all-time favorites, "That guy was as ugly as a hatful of assholes." brings up a mental picture that sticks with you for a good long time.

And the one that has been used more than once to describe this 'blog and Yours Truly...
"Dumber than a box of hammers."



Grayson said...

My assessment of some of the customers I've had to deal with lately....

"Brain cells denser than depleted uranium...and not nearly as useful."

"Customers so bloody stupid, I'm glad I can't get access to weapons grade plutonium."

Thank god for weapons grade tequila.

scotaku said...

Hotter than two weasels fucking in a wool sock.

Dixie said...

Useless as tits on a boar hog.

Nervous as a 'shiner 'round a revenuer.

He shakes hands like he's pumpin' for water.

Anonymous said...

from Bug

He's got a handshake like a dead fish.

She's so hot I'd crawl 20 miles over broken glass, backwards, just to hear her fart over a radio.

Big Mike said...

"Nuttier than squirrel poop"

BTW; love the blog, becoming an ACR

Bug said...

you want comparitives, check out "all worked up" on Trutv ..the repo guy drops more old hick sayings than I've heard in a long time.

"as confused as a cow on astroturf"
"as tight as a frog's butt"