Wednesday, May 12, 2010

Stats & Rant at 33,000 Feet

Heading back to Jax this AM.
DFW to JAX, and here's a novelty: the Perfect Child is coming out to the airport to pick me up for my ride back to the office to get The Toaster. Man, time flies.

I'll be coming back to Dallas to pick up the repaired equipment next week and driving it back home.
Just for the record:
Monday gas mileage: 14.72 mpg (at 77 mph)
Tuesday mileage: 15.41 mpg (at 69 mph avg)
Not too shabby for a non-aerodynamic cargo van full of aluminum truss.
Crab claws (one appetizer-size order)
Crawfish (Something on the order of 10 lbs)
Cracklins (About a pound. My arteries hate me.)
Boudin (one link, spicy pork.)
Tea (several tall glasses)
Water (4+ liters- my on-the-road beverage of choice)
Conspicuous absence: No Captain.
Wow...Stop the presses, eh?

Now then, a little rant.
DFW & American Airlines:
$25 for the first bag? You're killling me.

And of course I had the pleasure of jousting with the TSA.
I keep all my "stuff" in my backpack compartmentalized- I have 5 or 6 small zipper bags- all my audio cables (headphones, patches, cell headset, camera A/V etc) in one, flashkeys and media cards in another; meds like antacids, bandaids, aspirin, allergy tabs, etc in another.
One has misc TSA-approved tools like small screwdrivers, small needlenose pliers, and the like, and another has pens, Sharpies and other stick-like implements.
Gung-Ho TSA Guy decides he has to open each compartment and bag in my backpack...
He has to look at *every* pen in the writing stick bag... He examines (and measures) each tool.
He looks at everything in the medicine bag and I guess the mostly-empty tube of Neosporin offended him.
GHTSAG: "Sir, this is considered a 'gel' and should be in a separate clear plastic one-quart bag."
I give him my best "You're killing me, Barney" look.
I took the oh-so-dangerous .015 ounce tube and shot it into the nearby trashcan.
Gung-Ho looked like he wanted to say something but wisely decided against it...
Over 5 minutes later (which is an eon in TSA time) and something like 20 people had passed me by he slowly re-packed my bag Apparently he was satisfied I had nothing else that was prohibited and that the Flying Public was safe from me, so he sent me on my way...
As I was digging out my iPod out of another pocket I found a stray .40 cal round
Jeebus on a bright red pogo stick!
(I would rhetorically say 'how'd that happen?' but I know how it happened.)
I was going to pitch it, but if it got found in a trashcan on the concourse they'd probably shut down the entire airport.
In this case a little discretion will save me an encounter with the famous DFW barbed-wire enema. I don't know how Gung-Ho missed it, but I'm not going to question providence.

The flight I'm on has in-flight WiFi...that I'm not using... $12.95 to catch up on my RSS feed, do a blog post or two, or update my Facebook status with "Woo hoo! Facebookin' at 30k feet!!!1!" when I can do my posts off-line on my DouchePro and just hit "send" on touchdown in Jax.
I'll save the money and use it on a long-overdue double of Captain & Coke when I get out to the Beach this afternoon.

20 minutes to touchdown. Just enough time for the USA Today crossword.
What's a 7-letter word for "TSA employee"?


1 comment:

TOTWTYTR said...

A certain blogger I know was in the TSA line at Logan sometime in 2009 when he reached into the pocket of his jacket and felt not one, but two, .303 British cartridges under his fingers. They are probably still under the luggage roller racks where they, ahem, fell.

Not me and I won't out him, but JayG knows him too.