Saturday, July 08, 2017

I Like My Coffee...

...Like I like my women.

I used to reply to the common waitress query "How would you like your coffee?" with the old, tired cliché "Like my women: Hot & Sweet, just like you."
Such flirtation would usually ease the sting when I would falsify a complaint about her to the manager then skip out on the bill, but that's another post completely.
For a bit my reply was "I like it like my ex-wife - Cold & Bitter."
Good times, good times.

Now days the coffee condition comparison has been pushed to an art...

I like my coffee like I like my women:
  • Ground up and in the freezer.
  • Venezuelan and stuffed in a bag.
  • Tied up in a burlap sack and thrown over a donkey.
  • Ground up and in a burlap sack
  • Tied up and thrown into the back of a van by a Colombian
  • Cheap and found at the 7-11.
  • Hot & Bitter
  • Cold & Bitter
  • Black, bitter, and preferably free trade (Thanks Dr. Kreiger)
  • Dark and frothing with cream
  • Hot and in the kitchen
  • From the corner and less than $2.
  • Colombian and mashed into powder (no, wait... Different product*)
  • Quiet
  • Foreign and shipped to America in crates
  • Black and without a penis
  • Black and full of whiskey
  • Warm, wet, bitter, tasty, slightly addictive, ready first thing in the morning, and free
  • No pubic hair
  • Hot, sweet and covered in whipped cream
  • Milky white, not hot anymore, and lacking enough artificial sweetness to mask the essential bitterness
  • Irish and stinking of whiskey
  • A little hot, a little gross and picked up at the gas station in the middle of the night
  • Picked prematurely, tied up, stuffed in a burlap sack and smuggled over the border at night
  • Black and rich
  • Over priced and sustainably sourced
  • Cuban and stronger than me
  • Blonde with low self esteem
  • Pale, bitter, and frigid
  • Shallow and full of cream
  • Flat white
  • Exported for an extremely low price from third world countries
  • Tossed out on the side of the freeway
  • Dark as night and sweet as sin
  • Hot, black and with a penguin
  • Surrounded by styrofoam and heated to a boil
  • Completely full and not asking "What do you want to do for dinner?"
  • Dumped out in a parking lot when it becomes cold
  • I don't care if it's black or white, as long as it's sweet enough to go down easily  

    A couple winners for the commuter crowd:
  • Steaming hot and all over my lap while driving

    or it's cousin-
  • Short, Columbian, and smoking hot all over my junk.

    or just-
  • Down the front of my pants

*Bonus comparison: I like my cocaine how I like my women. White and diced up with a razor blade.

TBG - Exit - pursued by Juan Valdez and his burro. (You kids will have to Google that one on Bing.)


Angus McThag said...

Why is Juan smiling?

Because raising coffee is his hobby.

Juan is really a drug lord and a multi-billionaire.

Irish said...

Good to see posting uncle jay.

Old NFO said...

Snerk... Those are some good ones!

Dan said...

Man, I wanted to tweet this, but I'm a big sissy now!