Monday, July 21, 2008

Chinese Fortune Cookies

Fortune cookies.
1. Not Chinese.
2. Soporific generic pap, not specific enough to change anyone's life.

Fortune cookies, along with any Psychic who claims to be in touch with The Eternal, would be much more effective if they were more direct.
If I ever got a cookie that said "Don't drive on I95 on Thursday the 12th" and then there was a massive 15 car pile up, then I might give them a little consideration.
In a like manner, if Miss Cleo was to ring me up and say "Hey Big Guy, don't get on flight 512 tomorrow" and the next day the plane goes down... well, she'd get my business a little more often. (I mean, you'd think she'd be able to do that, yeah?)

Long ago and far away, I think I was a junior in High School my father taught me the secret to enjoying fortune cookies...
Basically, he said, append the actual fortune with the words "in bed".


"Plan for many pleasures ahead."
"Plan for many pleasures ahead, in bed."


"Something you lost will soon turn up."
"Something you lost will soon turn up in bed."
(Gee, I hope it's not those hedge trimmers I lost last summer.)

Alas, in my old age I have become a cynic...
Now days I find fortune cookies more enjoyable if the appended phrase used is
"...except in bed."

Apply in these cases:

There is a true and sincere friendship between you and your friends.
Plan for many pleasures ahead.
Your heart is pure, and your mind clear, and your soul devout.
Excitement and intrigue follow you closely wherever you go!
Your flair for the creative takes an important place in your life.
Your artistic talents win the approval and applause of others.
Your many hidden talents will become obvious to those around you.
Your greatest fortune is the large number of friends you have.
A firm friendship will prove the foundation on your success in life.
Look for new outlets for your own creative abilities.

TBG- when the going gets weird, the weird turn pro.

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