Friday, September 18, 2015

Women. Can't Live With Them...

...Can't live without 'em
...Can't lead them to water OR make them drink
...Can't judge them by their covers
...Can't shoot 'em without lots of paperwork and hefty prison sentences, usually

...Can't have cake and eat it too
...Can't beat them or join them
...Can't get blood from a turnip.

One of the Boys was tore up- huge fight with his SO, shouting and hurtful words, etc.
As he was lamenting his situation in committee so to speak, we listened and prepared to make some helpful observations and suggestions.
Because that's what guys do. 

We try to help.

He bemoaned the fact that he just doesn't understand his SO, or women in general, that has relationship is teetering on the brink of the abyss and is probably irrevocable.
He solicits us for help regarding understanding women.
A bunch of childish morons who are barely housebroken and have about as much 'understanding' of women as a dog has of analytic and algebraic topology of locally Euclidean parameterization of infinitely differential Riemannian manifolds...

Hey, we're not gynecologists, but we can give it a shot.
For my part, I brought all my experience in 40 years of dealing with girls/women and nearly 25 years of marriage, and a heaping amount of book-learnin' in sociology classes at UF, and a boatload of Internet droppings (cause we all know how accurate that shit is) into the conversation.

First and foremost: Don't try to 'understand' women. Women understand women, and they fucking HATE each other.

Second: If a guy talks to other guys for advice (which is rare in and of itself), he is looking help with a situation. He actually WANTS advice.
If a woman goes
to other women for advice she is looking validation regarding her position. She doesn't want advice, but if it bolsters her position, she might fold it into her argument.

But- if your SO wants to talk about her problems and doesn't SPECIFICALLY ASK for advice or help, DO NOT OFFER ADVICE OR HELP.
She just wants to talk about it  SOMEONE and most likely one of her girlfriends wasn't available. Just listen, nod your head sagely and offer non-committal vocal assent.

Guys want to be helpful and fix things- but sadly, women are usually just wanting to talk things through...
(This is one of those 'Men are from Mars, Women are from Venus' things. Men's and women's thought processes are so different it has been opined (read this) that men and women aren't the same race, and probably aren't even the same species.)

Back to our sad friend-
"Look- I understand your feelings.
You miss her, you're miserable without her.
You can't imagine your life without her in it.
You'd do anything for her.
You want her back in your life so bad there is nothing else you can think of... she completely dominates your thoughts 24/7.
There is nothing you wouldn't pay to have her back, 

and would gladly commit horrible violence to regain her.
Men often feel that way about women...

Women feel that way about SHOES*."

How can a guy possibly hope to understand that?

Just suck it up, Buttercup.
Here endeth the lesson.

* To be fair, I know women who are this way about jewelry, booze, fast cars, and at least one that feels that way about guns. Obsession isn't pretty. But it can be entertaining.


Erin Palette said...

That is one ugly-ass shoe.

The Big Guy said...

You bet.
And I have a feeling it would play hell with one's dancing ability should one get kicked in the cojones with it...

JC said...

"analytic and algebraic topology of locally Euclidean parameterization of infinitely differential Riemannian manifolds..." That book was Sensational!Bojemoi!

Old NFO said...

Yep, no win situation... Just drink more and nod sagely... :-)

Anonymous said...

I am leaving this here,,,,,

The Big Guy said...

@ JC
This, I know from nothing... :-)
Good catch!

Always the safest course.

It's not about the nail.
Forgot about that one...
So very very relevant!

Angus McThag said...

" Women understand women, and they fucking HATE each other."

And if you grew to understand them, you would too; I suspect.

Home on the Range said...

I own two pairs of shoes (one is a set of boots and the other looks like something Mickey Mouse would wear but they are comfy on two feet, both of which have been broken in separate mishaps involving high speed and or gravity) The last pair of high heels I had Barkley ate in 2007 and I never replaced.

I hate shopping, don't like pink, and lamented to my husband when my one purse broke that "I have to buy another one".

I like beer, tools, firearms, auto mechanics and cooking elaborate meals revolving around meat.

My husband thinks that 300 years ago I'd have been burned at the stake as a witch.