Flight Tips

I sat with two Flight Attendants while waiting on my flight to Orange County...

We discussed the issues surrounding Flight Attendants and passengers...
I had to share my irritation with them about getting whacked in the shoulder every time the beverage cart passes, and they told me the Flight Attendant's Litany of Passenger Stupidity.

Here are my takeaways from this oh-so-enlightening chat.
(Bear in mind, it was 5:30 AM when this took place.)

Good Ideas:

1. Never push the call button.
(Get up and find your own blanket or pillow, I'm not your Mom. And we'll be back around with the beverage cart or to pick up the trash shortly. Cool your jets.)
And NEVER ever push the call button just to ask when we are going to land.

2. Unless you absolutely have to be up, keep your butt in your seat. If they're doing a snack-and-beverage service, it's almost impossible with people in the aisle.
This especially includes you 18-to-24 year olds... You don't need to go visit the other folks in your group to discuss the hottie in row 14. You'll have plenty of time to do that when you get to our destination.

3. If it's a short flight or a small commuter plane, use the bathroom in the terminal before the flight.

4. If there is a food service of any sort, asking for seconds of anything is a way to get the big "ASSHOLE" tattoo on your forehead by the Flight Attendants.

5. Look- here comes the Flight Attendants with the fod service. I think I'll wait until they arrive and are holding my tray out for me to take before I start putting away my laptop and papers...
(you can wind up wearing your beef-with-brown-gravy-stuff if you take too long.)

8. If you are traveling with little 2 year-old Precious, find out what he or she wants before the Flight Attendant gets there for the beverage service. Asking Precious what he or she wants as the Flight Attendant waits and waits and waits is a Bad Thing.

7. You are a dipshit if you ask for a pillow, watch the Flight Attendant look through 8 overhead bins to find you one, then when she finally finds one for you, you then ask for a blanket too.

7a. You are REALLY a dipshit if you watch your neighbor ask for a blanket, then a pillow, and THEN ask the Flight Attendant to find you one (or both).

8. Don't ask the Flight Attendants to help you lift your bag into the overhead bin. Jerk.

9. If you absolutely have to take off your shoes during a flight, have the good taste to wear socks. Please. And don't put your bare feet up on the bulkhead walls or the back of the seat in front of you.

10. A good way to get a drink spilled on you is to request a refill of your beverage by rattling your cup of ice at the Flight Attendant.

11. You have ample warning as the Flight Attendants get the plane ready to land before they make the announcement to shut your Gameboy, iPod, Walkman, MP3 player, laptop, Crackberry, or whathaveyou... If the Flight Attendant has to come remind you to shut you item off, you are an asshat.

12. Don't let little Precious wander up and down the aisle. And clean your kid up, for crying out loud. No one want to see Precious' candy-bar-stained face and hands rubbed against their clothes as he/she meanders down the aisle..

13. Don't paint your nails on the plane. (This is from 5/1/07, on my flight from Seattle to Chicago) The smell irritates everyone for 4 rows around you.

14. Don't touch!! Don't poke, tap, grab or tug the Flight Attendant to get her attention while she's serving someone else...

15. Speak your order in tones loud enough to be heard. (I'm guilty of this... Just mouthing the drink order, because I'm afraid of yelling over the ambient noise level of the plane.)

16. Don't call the Flight Attendant a Stewardess. No no no.

17. Don't, under pain of getting stragled with a seat belt extention, as you are getting off the plane, tell the Flight Attendant to "Smile!". Big mistake.

Never Never nevers:

1. Never yell at, curse at, intimidate or threaten a Flight Attendant.
They are protected by federal statutes (just like manatees and spotted owls). Any interference with them doing their duties can land you with a hefty fine and prison time (up to 10 years). The law and the TSA is on their side, and they will make your life miserable if they want to...

2. Don't upgrade yourself. Aside from the walk of shame *when* you get caught (and you WILL get caught)...it is theft of service if the Flight Attendant and the Captain want to make a case for it.

3. Don't take anything off the beverage cart. Unattended or not, don't take sodas, ice, water or booze... Stealing is stealing...Even in business class, where the booze is free, you can't just take it. It must be served. Part of the regulations for service. Don't touch the cart.

Things I still don't understand...

Why I get yelled at when my seat is reclined 2 inches during take off.

Why do we get the life vest and seat-cushion-floatation-device talk when we are flying from Dallas to Denver. Aside from the obvious futility of a water landing (i.e. a crash), I doubt the captain will be trying to land in a lake or a swimming pool if we are going down during that flight.

And the ubiquituous "to fasten your seat belt, to unfasten your seatbelt..." lesson:
Do they think there is anyone on there that hasn't ever used a seatbelt before?

TBG, heading out, again-