TSA Anti-Grope Strategies

(pic by Oleg Volk)

Everybody's jumped on the bandwagon, talking about the TSA Nightmare...

JayG, Tam, Breda, Borepatch I and II, Joanna, etc...

Welcome to the party, y'all. I've been bitching about it for years.

Want to Play
Common Sense
DefCon Jumpy
Please Sir
Crotchbomber
I Hate LAX
More Hate
Letters
Etc
Etc


It's not just the TSA, it's DHS in general.


It's all well and good to say "I just won't fly."
It's somewhat less effective when you have to fly on a relatively frequent basis as part of your job.

This is how it works:

Employee: "I really hate it. I either have to be irradiated in the TSA Microwave Oven/Nude-o-Scope, or I get to have my junk juggled by the former do-you-want-fries-with-that  mouth-breathers turned oh-so-professional TSA screeners who can't tell a tight scrotum from a lump of C-4... Do you mind if I drive to Portland instead of flying?"

Employer: "Let eme do the math on that... tack 3 extra days on each end of the job for the trip and reimburse you for the mileage? Nope. Get your ass to the airport."

Employee: "We could rent a car for the trip and I'll take vacation days for the travel days. The rental and the gas will be a wash with the airfare."

Employer: "Well, the vacation-days thing would work for the first 4 or 5 trips. What then? What about your events in Europe and Asia?"

Employee: "...I don't know. Maybe I could get a transfer to a department or position that doesn't travel?"

Employer: "Why are you a special case? I don't think we should create a special position just so you don't get your crotch rubbed or have to get 3 seconds of high-intensity radiation a few time a year. If you don't want to travel, I'll hire someone else who will. Say goodbye to your (already dwindling) health insurance."

So that's not really an option, is it?

Meanwhile the TSA will just keep pushing the issue, restricting our rights (hint: Fourth Amendment)
and reacting to last weeks threat.

Shoe bomber? (Wasn't caught by the TSA)
Let's start scanning shoes now.

The 2006 Liquids Plot from the UK?  (Wasn't caught by the TSA)
Ban all liquids.

Underwear Bomber? (Wasn't caught by the TSA)
Let's use a more invasive body scanning system, or just physically checking people's crotches.

Is that the best way to counter threats?
Something happens, then they find a way to counter what has ALREADY OCCURRED?


What is going to happen when someone smuggles an explosive on to a plane in a body cavity, extracts it in the lavatory of the plane and sets it off?

How will they know that's what happened?

And guess how will the TSA react?
Cavity Searches.
And they will expect us to put up with it.

After all- we put up with baggage checks.
We put up with metal detectors.
We put up with the explosive sniffer (which wasn't made by a company that Michael Chertoff is a stockholder/consultant so they can't use it any more.)
And now we're putting up with the nudie-scope and getting our genitals probed.

I had a list of things I want to say next time I get the rubber glove treatment.

I came up with another one... Especially with the same-sex-search policy.

Yo TSA dude. You think you're going to make me embarrassed?
The moment I start to get the genital grope I'm going to whisper to the Groper:
"Gosh, my boyfriend doesn't even give me this much attention."
I bet that search would cease pretty quickly.
Nothing like fomenting a little homophobia to hasten things along. Heh.


One good solution:
Go read The Gormogons....  How to Fix Airport Security
Or Jennifer's Comments

All in all, if you look at it the right way, the TSA is improving the world we live in:

1) TSA provides many great employment opportunities to registered and unregistered sex offenders, voyeurs and child molesters, thus keeping them away from your neighborhood.

2) Because many people are now avoiding the air travel altogether, the TSA actions reduce the pollution from the airplanes while increasing the number of passengers on the much more efficient public transportation such as trains or buses.

3) It will also generate more revenues for the shipping companies such as FedEx and UPS, due to expected increase in the number of packages sent from the Middle East.

4) TSA are buying so much radioactive materials for their scanners that Iran will never get enough uranium to make a nuclear bomb.

5) TSA has finally provided an indisputable proof that an alien spaceship really crashed in Roswell, NM in 1947 by incorporating in their procedures the most advanced and effective alien technology known to humans – the anal probe.

6) Female travelers will be able to opt out of the annual breast exam in favor of the pat-down, while males will be able to forgo the testicular examinations. And with the TSA success record you can be rest assured that they will not find anything dangerous there. Also, you would get a free massage.

7) For the children, TSA would provide a viable alternative to Catholic church: children would be groped and molested by a man in a uniform just as they think they are on their way to heaven.

8 ) The radiation exposure from the scanners will greatly reduce your chances of dying from Alzheimer’s, heart attack, car accident or other unrelated cause of death, although may increase your chances of dying of embarrassment.

9) The infamous “The Pedophile’s Guide to Love and Pleasure: A Child-Lover’s Code of Conduct” pedophile how-to guide has been pulled from Amazon.com so that it could be converted into a TSA training guide named “The Patdownophile’s Guide to Glove and Security: A Child-Groper Code of Conduct”.

10) Finally, the TSA security procedures are making the potential terrorists realize that passengers aren’t the real enemy. And on the other hand, the passengers are realizing that terrorists aren’t that scary either.   -Mikhail Khlystov (известный в узких кругах мой коллега-квн-щик)

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE