Shoes...

Hey Fashionista Lite!

I found your next pair of shoes.


They look perfect for walking the moat.

TBG

Asshole

...I have received some requests, to wit: Tell me of this game, Asshole.
Hmmm..> Maybe it was "Tell me of this game- "Asshole".

Maybe it was phrased "Hey Asshole, tell me about the game."
Hell, I can never remember...

But- the game, Asshole....
It is a colorful and fun game. Everyone should play.
(Just don't do it with DanO and his minions. That way lies madness.)
I'm sure if I miss any details I will be corrected...

This, then, is "Asshole".

NUMBER OF PLAYERS: 4-8
SUPPLIES NEEDED: Full deck of cards, maybe 2 depending on amount of players.
POISON: Beer

DESCRIPTION / RULES:
Asshole is a game best played with a large group of people.
A very annoying game to explain, but very easy to play once you learn it.

For the first hand, deal out the entire deck to the table.
Next, most people sort their cards in numerical order, but
with pairs being higher than single cards.

(3, 5, 7, 9, A, 66, 888)

Now, the person with the 3 of clubs plays the first card.

Here are the rules for normal play:

- You must play a card that is equal to or higher than the previous card. A pair of cards are worth more
than a single card.

- If the same card is played, the next person is skipped and must drink. Playing a pair on top of a pair is a double-skip (2 people lose their turn)

- If a card goes all the way around the table without being beaten or cleared, it is then cleared automatically to the person who played it.

- Card exception #1: Playing a 2 "clears" the count. The asshole must take them away. In addition, the person who played the 2 gets to lay down a card after the pile is cleared (typically a low card).

- Card exception #2: Playing a 4 is a pass card. It as if nothing was played at all, but everyone takes a social drink.




Hierarchy:

The first person to run out of cards is the President. The last person is the Asshole.
With larger groups (6 or more), you may want to play with a Vice President and Vice-Asshole.

The next round:

First, the asshole from the previous round must deal out all the cards in counter-clockwise fashion. At this point, the asshole may make -anyone- drink that he pleases.

Beginning the next game, the President gets to exchange his 2 worst cards with the Asshole's 2 best cards (usually 2's or 4's). The same rule applies to the VP/VA, except with 1 card only.

In addition, the president gets to play the first card of the next round, followed by players in the order that they ran out of cards the previous round.

You may make anyone "below" you drink at anytime. (The president can never be made to drink, and the asshole isn't allowed to make anyone drink).

BONUS: If anyone manages to remain president for 3 rounds in a row, they get to establish a rule. Here are some of our favorites:

- Anyone who says "drink", "drank, or "drunk" must drink
- Anyone who says "I", "me", or "you" must drink (this one is brutal)
- Little Man Rule - you must take an imaginary "little man" off of your beer before drinking
- Left-Hand Rule - you may only drink with your left hand
- Paper-Rock-Scissors Rule - the president may make anyone paper-rock-scissors at any point. The loser drinks.
- Insult Rule - a personal favorite. Any time a heart is played, you must insult one of your neighbors (left or right only)
- (add your own, there are TONS of em out there)

TBG out- Drinking.

Party Time

Dan and Anita had a housewarming a couple weeks ago.
A good time was had by all...




Some people had a better time than others. Not mentioning any names here...

Want some fruit salad with that?

Some of the guests knew not to combine beer and mixed drinks at the party...

Party girl and her Lite Beer...

And of course, drinking with Dan & his Minions wouldn't be the same without a rousing game of Asshole.







For the record...

I did not fall over in my chair.
I did not walk through the domicile in my underwear.
I did not swim in the ocean or the pool at 2 AM.
I did not throw up on anyone or anything.
I did not drive, hell I didn't even putt.
And...
I did not have anyone's cell phone in my pocket while being thrown in the pool.

I did however, help clean up the next morning...

Hey...

Who the hell brought Zima to the party?
(I thought JR was going to be out of town?...)

After picking up all the half-empty (yeah- I'm a pessimist) glasses, I emptied them into a bucket... The ensuing party gravy was pretty nasty.

We put it in bottles... They're serving it at the next Asshole session.

I will NOT be there. (I hope.)

TBG (drying) out-

Great Idea

I am *so* going to do this next time I am ignored at a restaurant.



TBG out-

Animal Kingdom

A couple weeks ago I was driving through the Hinterlands of North Central California.
As I made my way from I-5 over to El Camino Real, I passed through a very odd wildlife refuge.

First- the sign.

I didn't see any of the Kinkajous, Marmots, Furmious Bandersnatchi, or Seething Dogsnotlers, I did get a glimpse of some equally interesting wildlife...


Ferrous Gnu


Cobalt Giraffe


Iron Rhino


Steel Zebra


Stainless Goat

No wonder California has such strict environmental laws. They have some very exotic wildlife to protect.

TBG out-

Traveling Companions

So... Yours Truly has been wandering about North America with some guys from the Help Desk...
Sean W...
A dashing young man from the heart of the Midwest.
A clean-cut and educated bloke...

A nice kid. Has potential.

And of course, the Hot Boy, Ryan S. Cute, but culturally, dumb as the proverbial box of hammers.
(Although a cadre of Constant Readers has recently commented, "He's really not 'all that and a bag of chips'.")

So I guess he needs to work on a certain segment of the Constant Readers to up his desirability quotient.

Since we're posting pics- here's one of Yours Truly diligently working...

...if by "working" you mean "burning my fingers on a soldering iron while melting holes in the countertop"... then yes. Working.

Anyway-

I'm getting a little tired of all the attention showered upon the "Boys"...
Women throwing themselves at Hot Boy... Sean cutting a dashing figure as I trudge along behind as a beast of burden.

I'm getting a new traveling companion... Someone who, by comparison, will make me look like Prince F'ing Charming.

Let me introduce to you my new trainee technician...


Chihuahua Garbanzo

The next few trips ought to be entertaining... Heh.

TBG out-

Good Eats

Lord Knows here at Listen to Uncle Jay, we try our best to do bring you new and different tasty treats.

I have scoured small open-air markets and hole-in-the-wall exotic food stores for the odd and unusual. Remember Fried Coke? Chicken Fried Bacon? Beer-battered deep-fried bacon double Quarter Pounder?

Well... I have a couple more for you...

First...
A bacon chocolate bar.

No.. Really- a bacon chocolate bar...
Read here.

And if you are of the persuasion and condition that chocolate and pickles are "Just the Thing" you need...

Chocolate covered gerkins.

Mmmm.

TBG - anticipating British Pub Grub (ugh!) out-

Another Pirate Picture

What better day to post a Pirate Pinup than Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day?



Arrr!

TBG

Arrrr! and avast mateys...

It be talk like a Pirate day...

Here be yer dictionary fer talkin' like one o' the Brethren...
or, at the very least, understanding someone else who is trying to talk like a pirate. Little effort has been made to distinguish genuine maritime terms from traditional fictional pirate lingo. Arrrrrr!

To start with, of course, say "ye" for you, "me" for my or mine, and don't skimp on the "ahoy" and "arrrrr!"

Addled -- Mad, insane, or just stupid. An "addlepate" is a fool.

Aft -- Short for "after." Toward the rear of the ship.

Ahoy -- "Hello!"

Avast! -- "Hey!" Could be used as "Stop that!" or "Who goes there?"

Begad! -- By God!

Belay -- Stop that. "Belay that talk!" would mean "Shut up!"

Belaying pin -- A short wooden rod to which a ship's rigging is secured. A common improvised weapon aboard a sailing ship, because they're everywhere, they're easily picked up, and they are the right size and weight to be used as clubs.

Bilge! -- Nonsense, or foolish talk. The bilges of a ship are the lowest parts, inside the hull along the keel. They are filled with stinking bilgewater and attorneys-- or just "bilge."

Bilge-sucking -- A very uncomplimentary adjective.

Black Spot -- To "place the Black Spot" on another pirate is to sentence him to death, to warn him he is marked for death, or sometimes just to accuse him of a serious crime before other pirates.

Blaggard -- "Blackguard." An insult.

Blimey! -- An exclamation of surprise.

Booty -- Loot.

Bosun -- Boatswain; a petty officer.

Bowsprit -- The slanted spar at a ship's prow.

Brethren of the Coast -- The Caribbean buccaneers called themselves by this name in the 1640-1680 period. During this time, they actually formed a sort of fraternity, and did not (usually) fight each other or even steal from each other. After 1680, a new generation of pirates appeared, who did not trust each other . . . with good reason.

Briny deep -- The ocean. Probably no pirate in all history ever used this phrase, but don't let that stop you, especially if you can roll the R in "briny"!

Buccaneer -- A general term for the Caribbean pirates.

Bucko -- Familiar term. "Me bucko" = "my friend."

Cap'n -- Short for "captain."

Cat o'nine tails, or just "cat" -- a whip with many lashes, used for flogging. "A taste of the cat" might refer to a full flogging, or just a single blow to "smarten up" a recalcitrant hand.

Chandler, or ship-chandler -- see Sutler.

Chantey -- A sailor's work song. Also spelled "shantey" or "shanty."

Chase -- The ship being pursued. "The chase is making full sail, sir" = "The ship we're after is going as fast as she can."

Chest -- Traditional treasure container.

Corsair -- A more romantic term for pirate. But still a pirate.

Crow's nest -- A small platform, sometimes enclosed, near the top of a mast, where a lookout could have a better view when watching for sails or for land.

Cutlass -- A curved sword, like a saber but heavier. Traditional pirate weapon. Has only one cutting edge; may or may not have a useful point.

Davy Jones' locker -- The bottom of the sea.

Deadlights -- Eyes. "Use yer deadlights, matey!"

Dead men tell no tales -- Standard pirate excuse for leaving no survivors.

Dog -- A mild insult, perhaps even a friendly one.

Doubloon -- A Spanish gold coin. At different times, it was worth either 4 or 16 silver pesos, or "pieces of eight."

Fair winds! -- Goodbye, good luck!.

Feed the fish -- What you do when you are thrown into the sea, dead or alive.

Gangway! -- "Get out of my way!"

Godspeed! -- Goodbye, good luck!

Grog -- Generically, any alcoholic drink. Specifically, rum diluted with water to make it go farther.

Grub -- Food.

Gun -- A cannon.

Fore, or for'ard -- Toward the front end of the ship.

Flogging -- Punishment by caning, or by whipping with the cat.

Hands -- The crew of a ship; sailors.

Handsomely -- Quickly. "Handsomely now, men!" = "Hurry up!"

Head -- The toilet facilities aboard a modern ship. This will do for modern piratical talk. The toilet facilities aboard an ACTUAL pirate ship do not bear thinking about.

Jack Ketch -- The hangman. To dance with Jack Ketch is to hang.

Jack Tar, or tar -- A sailor.

Jollyboat -- A small but happy craft, perhaps even one which is a little dinghy.

Jolly Roger -- The pirates' skull-and-crossbones flag. It was an invitation to surrender, with the implication that those who surrendered would be treated well. A red flag indicated "no quarter."

Keelhaul -- Punishment by dragging under the ship, from one side to the other. The victim of a keelhauling would be half-drowned, or worse, and lacerated by the barnacles that grew beneath the ship.

Kiss the gunner's daughter -- A punishment: to be bent over one of the ship's guns and flogged.

Lad, lass, lassie -- A way to address someone younger than you.

Landlubber or just lubber -- A non-sailor.

Letters of Marque -- Papers issued by a national government during wartime, entitling a privately owned ship to raid enemy commerce, or even attack enemy warships. Early letters of reprisal were issued to merchants to make it legal for them to counter-raid pirates! A ship bearing such letters, and operating within their limits, is a privateer rather than a pirate . . . that is, a legal combatant rather than a criminal and murderer. The problem is that letters of marque aren't always honored, even by the government that issued them. Captain Kidd had letters of marque; his own country hanged him anyway.

Lights -- Lungs. A pirate might threaten to "have someone's lights and liver."

Line -- A rope in use as part of the ship's rigging, or as a towing line. When a rope is just coiled up on deck, not yet being used for anything, it's all right to call it a rope.

Lookout -- Someone posted to keep watch on the horizon for other ships or signs of land.

Maroon -- A fairly common punishment for violation of a pirate ship's articles, or offending her crew. The victim was left on a deserted coast (or, of course, an island) with little in the way of supplies. That way, no one could say that the unlucky pirate had actually been killed by his former brethren.

Me -- A piratical way to say "my."

Me hearties -- Typical way for a pirate leader to address his crew.

Matey -- A piratical way to address someone in a cheerful, if not necessarily friendly, fashion.

No quarter! -- Surrender will not be accepted.

On the Account -- The piratical life. A man who went "on the account" was turning pirate.

Piece of eight -- A Spanish silver coin worth one peso or 8 reales. It was sometimes literally cut into eight pieces, each worth one real.

Pillage -- To raid, rob, and sack a target ashore.

Pirate -- A seagoing robber and murderer. Contrast with privateer.

Poop deck -- The highest deck at the aft end of a large ship. Smaller ships don't have a poop; the highest part aft is the quarterdeck.

Port -- (1) A seaport. (2) The left side of the ship when you are facing toward her prow.

Poxy, poxed -- Diseased. Used as an insult.

Privateer -- A ship bearing letters of marque (q.v.), or one of her crew, or her captain. Thus, she can only attack an enemy ship, and only in time of war, but does so as a representative of her country. A privateer is theoretically a law-abiding combatant, and entitled to be treated as an honorable prisoner if captured.

Prow -- The "nose" of the ship.

Reef -- (1) An underwater obstruction of rock or coral which can tear the bottom out of a ship. (2) To reef sails is to shorten them, tying them partially up, either to slow the ship or to keep a strong wind from putting too much strain on the masts.

Rope's end -- another term for flogging. "Ye'll meet the rope's end for that, me bucko!"

Rum (noun) -- Traditional pirate drink.

Rum (adjective) -- Strange or odd. A "rum fellow" is a peculiar person, the sort who won't say "Arrrr!" on Talk Like A Pirate Day.

Sail ho! -- "I see a ship!" The sail, of course, is the first part of a ship visible over the horizon.

Salt, old salt -- An experienced seaman.

Scuppers -- Openings along the edges of a ship's deck that allow water on deck to drain back to the sea rather than collecting in the bilges. "Scupper that!" is an expression of anger or derision: "Throw that overboard!"

Scurvy -- (1) A deficiency disease which often afflicted sailors; it was caused by lack of vitamin C. (2) A derogatory adjective suitable for use in a loud voice, as in "Ye scurvy dogs!"

Sea dog -- An experienced seaman.

Shanty -- Another spelling for "chantey" - a sea song.

Shark bait -- (1) Your foes, who are about to feed the fish (q.v.). (2) A worthless or lazy sailor; a lubber who is no use aboard ship.

Shipshape -- Well-organized, under control, finished.

Shiver me timbers! -- An expression of surprise or strong emotion.

Sink me! -- An expression of surprise.

Smartly -- Quickly. "Smartly there, men!" = "Hurry up!"

Splice the mainbrace -- To have a drink. Or, perhaps, several drinks.

Spyglass -- A telescope.

Starboard -- The right side of the ship when you are facing toward her prow.

Sutler -- A merchant in port, selling the various things that a ship needed for supplies and repairs.

Swab (noun) -- A disrespectful term for a seaman. "Man that gun, ye cowardly swabs!"

Swab (verb) -- To clean something. Being put to "swabbing the decks" would be a low-level punishment for a disobedient pirate.

Swag -- Loot.

Walk the plank -- A piratical execution. The victim, usually blindfolded or with bound hands or both, is forced to walk along a plank laid over the ship's side, to fall into the water below. Except this seems to be a total invention; it first appeared in 19th-century fiction, long after the great days of piracy.

Weigh anchor -- To haul the anchor up; more generally, to leave port.

Wench -- An individual of the female persuasion. "Saucy" is a good adjective to add to this, and if ye can get away with "Me proud beauty!," more power to ye.

Yo-ho-ho -- A very piratical thing to say, whether it actually means anything or not.

The Pirate Alphabet

A: Ehhhhhhh? -- "What's that?"

B: Are -- as in "Be ye ready to surrender?"

C: Si, si! -- To a Spanish pirate, "Yes!"

E: Eeeeee! -- "Maaaaaaaaybe . . . "

I: Aye -- "Yes!"

L: 'Ell -- A destination, as in, "To L with you, matey!"

O: Oh! -- "Oh!"

Q: Queue -- A sailor's pigtail, usually tarred.

R: Arrrrrr! -- A general expression of glee.

T: Tea -- A very inferior substitute for grog.

Y: Why? -- To be said in a grumpy voice when the cap'n gives an order.

Z: Zee -- To a French pirate, "the."

Remember.

Always remember.

Horror scope.

I don't usually put much stock in these things...but...

Gemini ~ The Twins

With your sign under the influence of Uranus, this will be a real pain in the ass of a week for Geminis.
An electrical fault in your car ignition system tomorrow will cause you to break down in the middle of commuter traffic. When you get out of your car to lift the bonnet so you can pretend that you actually have a clue what goes on under there, a passing motorist will call you a ‘pugnacious lemon-brained froth-sucker’.
(At least that’s what it will sound like as they speed past.)
After you have trudged to work in a relentless drizzle you will remember that it was your day off anyway. The next week is a little better, with a nice warm day on Tuesday and a particularly tasty chicken salad sandwich for lunch on Wednesday. Your lucky color is off-white and your lucky fruit is kumquat.
---

Lucky fruit?

TBG - wondering.

Nerd testing.

You've got a what?

Boyfriend?

Holy crap.

I'm getting her a t-shirt...

It will read:

I'm 14.

My dad has a
shotgun
and a
shovel,
and no one will miss
you.

What, did you think I wouldn't follow her with a telephoto lens when she went surfing with some non-gender-specific "Friends".




Really, though... He's a nice kid.

So I hear.

We'll see.

TBG, out cleaning my shotgun.

A brief recap and a respite-

So... We all know that Yours Truly has been dragging hapless Help Desk minions around the country, installing doo-dads and knick-knacks in various and sundry arenas about the US of A and Can-a-Da.

It started in February- Las Vegas to Anaheim, Nashville, Carolina, Pittsburgh, Vancouver, Calgary, Detroit, Dallas, San Jose, Montreal, Ottawa, Toronto, Minnesota, New York and then home...
Then there was that little bump in the road called The Masters, 8 days of fun and Cazadores tequila in Augusta, then I was off again- Jax to Dallas, Anaheim, San Jose, Vancouver, Detroit, New York (Islanders), then back to Anaheim, then to Detroit, then Anaheim one last time.
And then it was the NBA Finals... San Antonio for a week, then Cleveland (Ghod help me).

After that schedule, is it any wonder I went to hide on Loggerhead Key for a month?
Cubans and Turtles and Crabs- Oh My!

And a day or two after I left Loggerhead I was back in the saddle.

So... I went to:
Boston, where JR *thought* he knew what he was doing.
Philly, where Hector & I came, saw, and kicked ass. And ate Crabcakes.
Denver, where Sean and JR danced a two-step in a Mexican Restaurant.
Phoenix, which is a 14 hour drive from Denver, and was 101 degrees (at night).
Montreal, where Luc dangled Hot Boy in front of the NHL office girls like a carrot.
Edmonton, who screwed the pooch.
Calgary, who was ready to go...big kudos to the IT boys there.
and
St Louis, which has been the best prepared so far. Even bigger kudos to them!

So we came home to rest over the holiday weekend.

Alas, there is no rest for the wicked.

While I was home, the NHL Boys were in my town, Jacksonville Beach, for a training session.
I got off the plane at 4:30pm, and by 6:00 I was up to my elbows in the open bar at the hotel... There was some tequila, there was much Captain...

In all fairness, I like to bring up the end of the line when eating with coworkers and clients. I like to give them first shot at the victuals... A big mistake with this crowd.
By the time Ned and I got to the head of the chow line all the food was gone.
(Those boys were hongry! The hit the chafing dishes with the gusto of a hound dog. You'd think they'd never seen meat before.)

They did replenish the feed trough before things got out of hand...

Oh, there was more drinking...

There was some dancing, and some fighting.

Someone found a deck or two of cards and a game of Asshole started...
You remember Asshole...
From the January post Math Help and Drinking Games.

Well...

It was not my best night...
Once again, I was drinking straight rum, while everyone else was drinking beer.
(Not very smart)


Obscene finger gestures for the guys trying to drape me with a shroud

And later after the game had deteriorated (and I had fallen over backward with a crash that set off seismographs around the Southeast United States) and broken up...
The debts were paid, the dead counted... and a number of us (number unknown- my ability to count was temporarily impaired) wound up in the ocean...

Now.. If you were to ask me: "Hey, Big Guy- Is it safe to swim in the ocean off Jax Beach after, oh, say, 1:00AM?" I would tell you not only 'NO' but 'HELL NO!'.

And what were we doing?
Swimming 50 yards offshore.
Inebriated.
In the dark.
For an extended period.

I think we were in the water for a good 30 to 45 minutes.

Long enough for me to sober up quite a bit... I think.

Well... We exited the water.
I had gone in wearing my jeans and a t-shirt.
At one point I was wearing my shirt as a turban on my head, presumably to protect me from jellyfish...or maybe KY Jellyfish. I don't recall right now.
I lost the t-shirt- I still had my jeans... I had found it cumbersome to swim with them on, so I removed them and slung them over my shoulder... Fortunately I was still in possession of them when I exited the water.
I did lose my sunglasses in addition to the shirt.
I did have enough presence of mind to leave my car keys, wallet and my Blackberry on the beach when we took the dip, so no loss there.

We went back up to the hotel... I strolled through the lobby of the Comfort Inn at 2:30 in the morning, Hawaiian shirt over one shoulder, my pants over the other shoulder, clad only in my underwear and flip flops.

One of the SSMs (Scoring System Managers) from the NHL had a camera.


Going back to the hotel


Heading out the front door

Look- If I can post shots of JR and Hot Boy and Ned and Ben and Pete and everyone else, you know I can poke a little fun at myself... At least I wasn't wearing stained tighty-whiteys, like someone else I know...


JR, Chuck and DanO.

Well...
I'm off again.

Nashville, LA, San Jose (again), Edmonton (again), Calgary (again), New York (again), Minnesota (again), and Atlanta (again)... Then off to London.

This should just about cover it. For this month.

TBG out-

Evil...

I would have thought I was much more evil than that...

Ok... time to kill more kittens.

TBG out

For them's wishin' to do more than just *talk* like a pirate...

Now some o' you scurvy dogs might be wantin' yer wenches to be dressed for the festivities of International Talk-Like-A-Pirate Day...
An' some of you dogs might be wanting to dress up like a pirate wench yerself...
(Somehows, this doesn't surprise me, knowing the twisted up blokes what reads this bit o' foolscap on a regular basis)

Well, let Captain Uncle Jay help you out a mite...

Cast yer see-bones upon this bit o' eye candy... A bevy of nicest beauties that ever unbuckled a swash...

Now go wash yer hands.

TBG out-

Yet another Hooters pic...

Jim Ingalls in his native environment...


Click picture for full size...

So, Jim... where is that left hand?
(I think I'll be storing this pic in my Pearl Harbor file...Heh)