I Like My Coffee...

...Like I like my women.

I used to reply to the common waitress query "How would you like your coffee?" with the old, tired cliché "Like my women: Hot & Sweet, just like you."
Such flirtation would usually ease the sting when I would falsify a complaint about her to the manager then skip out on the bill, but that's another post completely.
For a bit my reply was "I like it like my ex-wife - Cold & Bitter."
Good times, good times.

Now days the coffee condition comparison has been pushed to an art...

I like my coffee like I like my women:

• Ground up and in the freezer.
• Venezuelan and stuffed in a bag.
• Tied up in a burlap sack and thrown over a donkey.
• Ground up and in a burlap sack
• Tied up and thrown into the back of a van by a Colombian
• Cheap and found at the 7-11.
• Hot & Bitter
• Cold & Bitter
• Black, bitter, and preferably free trade (Thanks Dr. Kreiger)
• Dark and frothing with cream
• Hot and in the kitchen
• From the corner and less than $2.
• Colombian and mashed into powder (no, wait... Different product*)
• Quiet
• WITHOUT ANOTHER MANS DICK IN THEM ANNABEL YOU FUCKING WHORE.
• Foreign and shipped to America in crates
• Black and without a penis
• Black and full of whiskey
• Warm, wet, bitter, tasty, slightly addictive, ready first thing in the morning, and free
• No pubic hair
• Hot, sweet and covered in whipped cream
• Milky white, not hot anymore, and lacking enough artificial sweetness to mask the essential bitterness
• Irish and stinking of whiskey
• A little hot, a little gross and picked up at the gas station in the middle of the night
• Picked prematurely, tied up, stuffed in a burlap sack and smuggled over the border at night
• Black and rich
• Over priced and sustainably sourced
• Cuban and stronger than me
• Blonde with low self esteem
• Pale, bitter, and frigid
• Shallow and full of cream
• Flat white
• Exported for an extremely low price from third world countries
• Tossed out on the side of the freeway
• Dark as night and sweet as sin
• Hot, black and with a penguin
• Surrounded by styrofoam and heated to a boil
• Completely full and not asking "What do you want to do for dinner?"
• Dumped out in a parking lot when it becomes cold
• I don't care if it's black or white, as long as it's sweet enough to go down easily  
  
  A couple winners for the commuter crowd:
• Steaming hot and all over my lap while driving
  
  or it's cousin-
  
• Short, Columbian, and smoking hot all over my junk.
  
  or just-
  
• Down the front of my pants

*Bonus comparison: I like my cocaine how I like my women. White and diced up with a razor blade.


TBG - Exit - pursued by Juan Valdez and his burro. (You kids will have to Google that one on Bing.)