Back to the Krasnodar travelog for a couple quick notes-
Let's see... where was I? The last day in Krasnodar...
We had another get-together scheduled for Sunday before we headed to the airport...
It was a late breakfast/early lunch with St.Ass' mother's cousin or some such. Lots of tasty morsels including some caviar on toast and a several nice salads, and of course, wine or champagne for toasts.
No guns. Fortunately.
And no moonshine either. Fortunately.
For some reason, the booze the night before left me very dehydrated...
I would have been happy with a 2-liter of ice water, and I was having to be careful I didn't use the champagne to quench my thirst..
That would have been bad.
I got through this sit-down without making any faux-pas...
At least, I don't THINK I screwed the pooch along the way.
Wrapping the trip to Krasnodar I have to say it was a very pleasurable experience…
Except for the Airport Episode. (Or perhaps I could say “especially the airport episode.” But I am getting ahead of myself…)
3pm found us heading to the airport for our flight to Sochi...
Initially we were going to take an overnight train, but St.Ass found us $20 fares on Aeroflot. It was worth what we paid, but just barely... People that take $20 flights are exactly the people that can only afford $20 dollar flights- if that makes sense…
Not exactly the people you want to be rubbing shoulders with for 45 minutes.
I think the train might have been fun, but travel time savings was worth it. The mental scarring I got from sitting with the dude from Trashcanistan who smelled like a goat and had breath like Alabama roadkill, not so much.
Now, at the airport...
Regarding the Russian equivalent of the TSA...
The Russian Army girl working the Mag & Bag was rather stern but cute- very short white-blonde hair with dark eyebrows and when the metal detector went off she gave me a fun wanding, then a thorough and rather intimate pat-down.
Wow.
People pay good money for less one-on-one contact in US massage parlors and tug-shops. After making sure I didn't have any C-4 and verifying the status of my circumcision, I was sent on my way to the gate...
I was tempted to go back two or three more times, just to get a good comparison- but I decided not to tempt fate.
I didn't check with St.Ass about how thorough she was with him, but I did see him sitting back and smoking a cigarette before putting his shoes back on...
About airports in Russia (and Eastern Europe...)
WTF is up with the jetways? I mean, they have them at the airports, but no one uses them. Vienna, Berlin, Sochi, Krasnodar... All of them use buses to get to and from the planes, which sucks when it's windy, cold and/or raining.
We have the technology, folks. Use it.
And speaking of that, there is a class of traveling asshole that I am seeing a lot on international flights- it's the guy/gal that gets up as the plane is making its way to the gate and opens the overhead and starts getting his/her shit down, or even more better- the one that runs to the front door as the plane creeps to it's final resting position.
Why, ferchrissake?
Especially when we are all just going to get on the same furshlugginer bus.
And the capper- a couple weeks back when we landed in Berlin and when everyone was standing, getting their stuff out of the overhead and waiting for the door to open and get on the bus- sumdood came pushing from behind with a muffled "pardon" to try to pass everyone.
Needless to say I was not putting up with that kind of impolite bullshit.
"Settle your ass down, Junior. We're all on the same bus. Just relax."
Man, I thought the 'survival-of-the-fittest, gimme-mine-fuck you' was limited to Asia... Alas, no...
So, I’m next to Goat Man, the plane is packed full and we were off to Sochi.
Yay.
TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
Let's see... where was I? The last day in Krasnodar...
We had another get-together scheduled for Sunday before we headed to the airport...
It was a late breakfast/early lunch with St.Ass' mother's cousin or some such. Lots of tasty morsels including some caviar on toast and a several nice salads, and of course, wine or champagne for toasts.
No guns. Fortunately.
And no moonshine either. Fortunately.
For some reason, the booze the night before left me very dehydrated...
I would have been happy with a 2-liter of ice water, and I was having to be careful I didn't use the champagne to quench my thirst..
That would have been bad.
I got through this sit-down without making any faux-pas...
At least, I don't THINK I screwed the pooch along the way.
Wrapping the trip to Krasnodar I have to say it was a very pleasurable experience…
Except for the Airport Episode. (Or perhaps I could say “especially the airport episode.” But I am getting ahead of myself…)
3pm found us heading to the airport for our flight to Sochi...
Initially we were going to take an overnight train, but St.Ass found us $20 fares on Aeroflot. It was worth what we paid, but just barely... People that take $20 flights are exactly the people that can only afford $20 dollar flights- if that makes sense…
Not exactly the people you want to be rubbing shoulders with for 45 minutes.
I think the train might have been fun, but travel time savings was worth it. The mental scarring I got from sitting with the dude from Trashcanistan who smelled like a goat and had breath like Alabama roadkill, not so much.
Now, at the airport...
Regarding the Russian equivalent of the TSA...
The Russian Army girl working the Mag & Bag was rather stern but cute- very short white-blonde hair with dark eyebrows and when the metal detector went off she gave me a fun wanding, then a thorough and rather intimate pat-down.
Wow.
People pay good money for less one-on-one contact in US massage parlors and tug-shops. After making sure I didn't have any C-4 and verifying the status of my circumcision, I was sent on my way to the gate...
I was tempted to go back two or three more times, just to get a good comparison- but I decided not to tempt fate.
I didn't check with St.Ass about how thorough she was with him, but I did see him sitting back and smoking a cigarette before putting his shoes back on...
About airports in Russia (and Eastern Europe...)
WTF is up with the jetways? I mean, they have them at the airports, but no one uses them. Vienna, Berlin, Sochi, Krasnodar... All of them use buses to get to and from the planes, which sucks when it's windy, cold and/or raining.
We have the technology, folks. Use it.
And speaking of that, there is a class of traveling asshole that I am seeing a lot on international flights- it's the guy/gal that gets up as the plane is making its way to the gate and opens the overhead and starts getting his/her shit down, or even more better- the one that runs to the front door as the plane creeps to it's final resting position.
Why, ferchrissake?
Especially when we are all just going to get on the same furshlugginer bus.
And the capper- a couple weeks back when we landed in Berlin and when everyone was standing, getting their stuff out of the overhead and waiting for the door to open and get on the bus- sumdood came pushing from behind with a muffled "pardon" to try to pass everyone.
Needless to say I was not putting up with that kind of impolite bullshit.
"Settle your ass down, Junior. We're all on the same bus. Just relax."
Man, I thought the 'survival-of-the-fittest, gimme-mine-fuck you' was limited to Asia... Alas, no...
So, I’m next to Goat Man, the plane is packed full and we were off to Sochi.
Yay.
TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE
I was tempted to go back two or three more times, just to get a good comparison- but I decided not to tempt fate.
ReplyDeleteYou are one funny, funny mofo. Don't envy your travel, but that's me.
But damn, you should do stand up. You have the material.
How come YOU get the good ones... My luck, I'd get IGOR!!!
ReplyDelete@BP
ReplyDeleteSrsly.
I've just become inured to it all. And sometimes when I go back into the archives on my site I'm so glad I have been 'blogging all this stuff.
The folks at work like my stories too, so much in fact that they MAKE me do a bit at damn near all-employee meeting- so in a way, I do get to do stand-up. Fortunately only a few folks read the 'blog- The last one (October) I did a bit about food- event food, local cuisine, etc. Fortunately I have already blogged quite a bit, so Voila! Instant presentation.
@NFO-
I did get a pat-down from Igor- on my way out of Sochi to Istanbul. Happily, he was not as through as Army Girl...