I Am Sofa King Embarrassed...

... For being from North Florida...

(Aussie accent deleted for clarity. If you'd like to imagine it in genuine Aussie accent- Imagine Steve Irwin's nasal patter, and drop most Rs from the Aussie part of the conversation.)
SumAussieDude: "Hey Big Guy- I hear a guy got busted 'cause they thought he was gonna shoot up another movie theater. It was in your neck of the woods I think."
TBG (thinking): "Oh sweet baby Jeebus no."
TBG: "Uh. What happened?"
SAD: "Well, turns out he had a sammie (Aussie for "Sandwich"-TBG) in his pants and the folks out in the lot that saw him put there thought it was a shotgun."
TBG: "Really. Wow. Musta been a hell of a sandwich."
SAD: "Yeah- probably had cheese and everything."
TBG: ???

So, a little judicious checking was in order...
Sure enough.

"The Epic movie theater multiplex in St. Augustine, FL was evacuated Thursday after two people called police and reported a man “stuffing something suspicious down the back of his pants” and that he could have a shotgun.
Approximately a dozen police cars responded to the scene. The theaters were emptied, the suspect located, but no gun (or any weapon) was found. Instead, the alleged smuggler admitted to sneaking a large sub sandwich into the theater."

Really- it made the TV news in fucking AUSTRALIA...
Jeebus H on a gravity board - What the fuck is wrong with people?
Paranoid people are seeing black helicopters and suicide-by-cop gunmen around every corner.

Re-fucking-lax, people.
Take a friggin breath before you dial 911 because you thought you might have seen something...

You're embarrassing me, for cryin' out loud!

TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE