Some say....

Do you watch Top Gear?

(No, not the horrible US version on History channel. That's a piece of crap...)

One of my favorite parts of the show (apart from where Clarkson races May & Hamster in some performance vehicle while they take conventional transport)  is where Jeremy Clarkson introduces The Stig...

Clarkson : "Some say it's impossible for him to wear socks. And he can open a beer bottle with his testes. All we know is he's called the Stig."

If you don't know what I'm talking about, Top Gear has what they refer to as a tame racing driver they use to test drive performance vehicles...He wears a white driving suit and a white full-face helmet with black visor completely hiding his face. He never speaks, and seems to be imbued with mysterious and perhaps supernatural powers. He also seems to be distrustful or unwilling to use modern technology.

As we all know, the intarweb is filled with ne're do-wells and malcontents with too much time on their hands. Some number of these folks have taken it upon themselves to research and publish these Stig-isms... For which I am grateful.

• Some say he never blinks, and that he roams around the woods at night foraging for wolves...

• Some say he’s wanted by the CIA, and that he sleeps upside down like a bat...

• Some say he appears on high value stamps in Sweden, and that he can catch fish with his tongue...

• Some say he is illegal in 17 US states, and he blinks horizontally...

• Some say that his breath smells of magnesium, and that he’s scared of bells...

• Some say he naturally faces magnetic north, and that all his legs are hydraulic...

• Some say that he lives in a tree, and that his sweat can be used to clean precious metals...

• Some say that his heart ticks like a watch, and that he’s confused by stairs...

• Some say that his voice can only be heard by cats, and that he has two sets of knees...

• Some say that he’s terrified of ducks, and that there’s an airport in Russia named after him...

• Some say his skin has the texture of a dolphin’s, and that wherever you are in the world if you tune your radio to 88.4 you can actually hear his thoughts...

• Some say that he has no understanding of clouds, and that his earwax tastes like Turkish Delight...

• Some say that his politics are terrifying, and that he once punched a horse to the ground...

• Some say that his tears are adhesive, and that if he caught fire he’d burn for a thousand days...

• Some say he can swim seven lengths underwater, and he has webbed buttocks...

• Some say that his heart is in upside down, and that his teeth glow in the dark...

• Some say that his ears aren’t exactly where you’d expect them to be, and that once, preposterously, he had an affair with John Prescott...

• Some say he has a digital face, and that if he felt like it, he could fire Alan Sugar...

• Some say that his genitals are on upside down, and that if he could be bothered he could crack the Da Vinci code in 43 seconds...

• Some say his ears have a paisley lining, and he’s been banned from the Chelsea Flower Show...

• Some say that the outline of his left nipple is exactly the same shape as the Nurburg ring, and that if you give him a really important job to do, he’ll skive off and play croquet...

• Some say he invented Branston Pickle, and that if you insult his mother he will headbutt you in the chest...

• Some say that on really warm days he sheds his skin like a snake, and that for some reason he’s allergic to the Dutch...

• Some say that his first name really is The, and that if he went on Celebrity Love Island they’d all be pregnant including the cameramen...

• Some say that he once threw a microwave oven at a tramp, and that long before anyone else he realised that Jade Goody was a racist pig-faced waste of blood and organs...

• Some say that he once had a vicious knife-fight with Anthea Turner, and that he is in no way implicated in the Cash-for-Honours scandal. All we know is that he's called Lord Stig

• Some say that he is a CIA experiment that went wrong, and that he only eats cheese. All new know is that he's not The Stig - he's The Stig's fat American cousin

• Some say that if you lick his chest it tastes exactly the same as Piccalilli, and that at this week’s Brit awards he was arrested for goosing Russell Brand...

• Some say that he sucks the moisture from ducks, and that his crash helmet is modelled on Britney Spears’ head...

• Some say he isn’t machine washable, and all his potted plants are called Steve...

• Some say his scrotum has its own small gravity field...

• Some say because our producer rigged a phone vote, he now has a new name...all we know is, he's called Cuddles...

• Some say he's banned from the town of Chichester...

• Some say in a recent late night deal he bought a slightly dented white Fiat Uno from the Duke of Edinburgh...

• Some say he gets terrible eczema on his helmet...

• Some say if he'd been the video ref in the World Cup Rugby Final he would've seen that it was of course a try you blind Australian half-wit...

• Some say to unlock him you have to run your finger down his face...

• Some say if he were getting divorced from Paul McCartney he'd keep his stupid whining mouth shut...
 
• Some say he thought Star Wars was a documentary...

• Some say he recently pulled out of I'm a Celebrity because he's frightened of trees....and Australia...Koo Stark...and Ant...and Dec...

• Some say he knows two facts about ducks, and both of them are wrong...

• Some say 61 years ago he accidentally introduced Her Majesty, the Queen, to a Greek racialist...

• Some say when he slows down, brake lights come on in his buttocks...

• Some say if he'd been the manager of the England football squad last week he wouldn't have been a feckless-ginger-gum-chewing buffoon who ruined it for all of us...

• Some say he once lost a canoe on a beach in the northeast...

• Some say he once did some time in a prison in Canterbury because his teddy is called The Baby Jesus ...

• Some say that after making love, he bites the head of his partner, and that he's had to give up binge-drinking now that it 's got to £1.18 a litre. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say that each of his toenails are exactly the same as a woman's nipples. And that he thinks the credit crunch is some kind of breakfast cereal. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York. And that he has a full-size tattoo of his face - on his face. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say that he is not allowed by law, within a hundred yards of Lorraine Kelly. And that he's never seen an episode of Top Gear because he's a huge fan of Midsomer Murders. All we know is he's called Bergerac.

• Some say it's impossible for him to wear socks. And he can open a beer bottle with his testes. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say his droppings have been found as far north as York. And that he has a full size tattoo of his face, on his face.


• Some say that he sleeps inside out, and that he once had full sex with Russell Brand's answering machine.

• Some say his favourite ever song is Forever Autumn by Justin Hayward, and that he has the world's largest collection of pornographical material.

• Some say that he invented November. And that if he had won the World Championship in Brazil last weekend, there might have been one photograph of him without his father, gurning in the back of shot.

• Some say one of his legs get longer when he sees a pretty lady. And that I haven't done one of these for some time and I've forgotten to make up a second thing.

• Some say that he doesn't like to get his helmet wet. A point that was proved last week when he was caught in the back of shot by an eagle-eyed viewer.

•(On African Stig) Some say he's seen The Lion King 1780 times, and that his second best friend is a cape buffalo... all we know is, he's not the Stig, but he is the Stig's African cousin.

• Some say that as we speak he is actually relaxing in the resort pool, and he is, he is actually.

• Some say, he has a stripy top, just like mine...

• Some say that one of his eyes is a teste. And that he was turned down for I'm a celebrity because people have heard of him...


• Some say he invented the curtain, and that he recently submitted a £20,000 expenses claim for some gravel...for his moat...

• Some say, he has twelve GCSE's, all in Domestic Science. And that he has been producing artificial sperm for years. Even though we have repeatedly asked him not to...

• Some say, that on Thursdays he becomes incredibly bulbous. And that recently pigs in Mexico started to die of something called Stigflu . All we know is, he's highly contagious!

• Some say, that he cut that man's hair [pointing at a man in audience]...

• Some say that in the autumn, all his arms go brown and fall off. And that if he wrote you a letter of condolence, he would at least get your name right. All we know is, he's called the Stog.
James: You mean the Stig.
Jeremy: That's what I said. I said it.

• Some say that he has some terrible plans involving the moon. And that he was turned down for a place on I'm a Celebrity because he is one.

• Some say his new Christmas range of fragrances includes the great smell of Wednesday. And that he was turned down for the job of EU President, because his face is just too recognisable...

• Some say that the drinks cabinet in his car contains fourteen different types of custard. And that while he has been known to leave his house in a bit of a hurry, he's never once hit a fire hydrant...

• Some say that his discharge is luminous, and that even as we speak, he is appearing on the main stage at Glastonbury performing his most famous hit, Superstition...

• Some say there are 17 different reasons why he's banned from the Northampton branch of Little Chef, and that his favourite airline pilot is Mark Webber...

• Some say the Scottish released him a little bit too soon. And that he spent all week pushing an effigy of Rubens Barrichello through his desk fan...

...All we know is, he’s probably called Ben Collins, and he’s probably unemployed.
• Some say that he's recently been releasing pop records under the pseudonym of Lady Gaga, and that under his race suit he also wears a red G-string and suspenders. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say that he doesn't understand the word 'envelope', and that he is the only woman in Britain not to have slept with Alan Johnson's policemen. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say he once tore a goat in half, and that he is now regretting buying his new holiday home in downtown Cairo. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say his nipples are explosive, and that he's recently had a Mexican… I mean Brazilian! Why did I say that! I'm sorry Mr Ambassador! Anyway, all we know is he's called the Stig!

• Some say that in his wallet he keeps a photograph of his wallet, and that in a recent race even he was beaten by the King's speech. All we know is he's called the Stig!

• Some say that his favourite disease that he had when he was a child was Gout, and that he was very surprised this week when he was able to pick up some remarkably cheap tickets to the Bahrain Grand Prix. All we know is he's called the Stig.


• Some say he doesn't know what dogs are for, and that he recently took out a super-injunction to prevent us from revealing that he …….. …………… … …….. ….. …….. ……. with an enormous goat. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say that he can't eat mashed potato for religious reasons, and that he recently received 47,000 tickets, Olympic tickets, all of them for the final of the Women's Wrestling. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say that he refuses to acknowledge the existence of Nottingham shire, and that he recently received a very strong email from his finance's mother, saying its bad manners to sit at the dinner table in a helmet. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say that he once hacked into his own helmet, and that he thinks Harper Seven is a convicted terrorist cell. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say that his favourite T-shirt has a picture on the front of a T-shirt, and that he spent all week waiting for a big cheque from the Germans, because he too has spent the last 2000 years sitting on his backside doing absolutely nothing at all. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• Some say he's not the Stig. But he is the Stig's Italian cousin!

• Some say he's the Stig, but he isn't. He's the Stig's Chinese cousin!

• Some say he has 50,000 photographs of his own camera, and that 60 years ago this week, he too became a Queen. All we know is he's called the Stig.

• He's not the Stig's alpine cousin, he's just the Stig.

• Some say that he is the only man in history to buy a DFS sofa when there wasn't a sale on, and that his favourite boxing venue is Munich airport. All we know is he's called the Stig.

That'd make a great Halloween costume... I wonder if I can get that white driving suit in extra-tall & extra-fat?



TBG- ΜΟΛΩΝ ΛΑΒE