Life as a Take Out Menu

(Found slipped under my door at the Marriott early this AM. Where the hell was I drinking last night?)

LIFE

 GRAND REOPENING!

Appetizers

Insomnia...............................................$2.00
Weird Dream (4).....................................$4.00
Loud Barking Downstairs...........................$1.20
Cold Bathroom........................................$1.20
Pain in Neck...........................................$4.00
Hangover...............................................$1.10
Angry Wife.............................................$3.25
Dirty Diaper...........................................$1.10

Side Orders (Sm.) (Lg.)

Plain Financial Anxiety..............................$1.00 $2.00
Crispy Fear of Death.................................$1.00 $2.00
Black Mold.....................................................$2.00

Sweet and Sour (Served with Plain Financial Anxiety.)

Girl at pastry shop stops flirting with you
when she sees ring...........................................$9.75

Baby daughter paints funny picture of you on
brand-new 46-inch 1080p HDTV...........................$9.75

Combo Platter (Served with Plain Financial Anxiety, or Crispy Fear of Death.)

Take Out the Trash and Give Finger
to Speeding Driver................................................$6.75

Give Finger to Speeding Driver and Run in Park...........$6.75

Run in Park and Loud Barking Downstairs....................$6.75

Loud Barking Downstairs and Take Out
the Trash............................................................$6.75

Give Finger to Barking Downstairs and Throw
Trash at Speeding Driver.........................................$6.75

Chef's Specials

Dragon and Phoenix..............................................$9.25
Argument with wife cannot be won; stop fantasizing about her seeking forgiveness.

Seven Stars Around the Moon.................................$9.25
Long e-mail to well-connected friend requesting work has bounced yet again.

Four Seasons......................................................$9.25
A strange sense that time is moving faster and faster and you are accomplishing less and less.

Triple Delight.....................................................$9.25
Postman hands you shrink-wrapped parcel, has no idea it contains pornographic DVD, no one home.

Happy Family.....................................................$9.25
Wife elated after you agree to go on medication permanently, despite sexual side effects.

Please: No substitutions.