Are You Ready?

From the pages of WWW.READY.GOV, the Department of Homeland Security.

The DHS wants YOU to BE READY….


In case of nuclear blast…

…You might want to pull over.

To summon large crowds…

…to help you, ditch normal clothing and use 3-ply silk to impersonate Michael Jackson.

During building evacuation:

…Bitchslap anyone who comes between you and the exit.

If your building is falling down…

…hide under your desk and kiss your ass goodbye.

Austin Texas…

Be sure to wear your SPF 5000 and lead BVDs if visiting Pres. Bush at his ranch.

If radiation mutates you…

…into a three story tall freak, enter buildings only through oversized doors.


For Graffiti Artistes-

Taggers:

First, think long and hard your artwork, hopefully it will be up for a while...


Kick back, throw on some beats, chill on the computer or watch a vid...



After tagging the wall, calmly but swiftly leave the scene; If you are spotted, ditch your paint and get the hell out of there...


Now, call one of your fly honeys for that emergency late night booty call...


Wash the paint off your hands and then call your friends to brag about how dope you are...


Other Precautions:


In a terrorist attack, Godzilla may be awakened from his slumber to reduce all humanity to ashes. This is normal.



Your weak ass won't be breaking down that door. Better get some help, dumbass.


Bridges are for the weak. Your lazy ass needs to swim.


Quit using elevators, Lardbottom, and get your big ass some exercise.


Da house
Da house
Da house is on fire!
We don't need no water...
(you know the rest.)


You may feel the urge to loot.
This is normal.


If rap music comes on the radio, please act appropriately.
Or…
Don’t worry- Get out and party!


If urge to loot is too powerful, remember the market value for second hand notebooks is far greater than that of old phones.


Make sure to separate your high-powered explosives and plutonium.


Stand up and fight back against those file cabinets, you cube-dwelling bitch.

Government Guide to Internet Shorthand:

R.O.F.L


Food & Eating


McDonalds exposure can be identified by how you curl up on the sidewalk.


Prolonged exposure to kitchen odors in Taco Bell might cause nausea.
This is normal.


The morning after a 4-burrito bender at Taco Bell, your fellow employees will need to know the quickest escape routes and safe distances from the toilet (Ground Zero)


In the event of Taco Bell exposure, do not use my bathroom.

Ok... Let's all get ready.

TBG out-