Fear and Loathing on the way to Las Vegas

Hypocrisy at the airport -or-
A visit to the Department of Pointless & Degrading Activities

Ok...

Y'all know I just looove airports, especially at 5 in the morning. At that time, my sense of hypocrisy is especially attuned.

To wit: Special Processing Procedures for Homeland Security.

Now, I'm all for air safety. I'm 100% for anything that keeps terrorism at bay. But the crap that the DHS and the TSA are subjecting us to is beyond belief.

Everyone knows that I just abhor Mag & Bag...but in the interest of air safety I'll endure it, plan my attire around it, and put up with power trips that some of the TSA guards are on.
(Not all of them are assholes, just the majority. Some are genuinely nice people trying to do a good job, but a vast majority are jerks that have succumbed to the "prison guard" us versus them mentality. They enjoy the power they wield over people who are just trying to make it to the gate on time.)
The TSA boneheads enjoy subjecting you to indignities such as making you take off your Flip Flops to walk barefoot through security checkpoint JUST BECAUSE THEY CAN! FOR NO REAL REASON AT ALL... I mean, Yeah, Skeeter- I'm sure I can conceal 6 or 7 pounds of C-4 explosive in my half-inch thick sandals. But- Mr. TSA says that if I don't take off my sandals, I have to undergo secondary screening...
(Which, I might add, is completely against the guidelines that you'll find here.)
Speaking of secondary screening...
You DO know that if you buy a ticket less than 24 hours out from a flight, you automatically get tagged for "extra security processing". They do this because it is supposed that the terrorists will buy their tickets at the last second. Everyone knows this, right? Including the terrorists. So obviously, they will buy their tickets with 2-week advance too. (They are TERRORISTS, not IDIOTS.)
So, the only people who get the special screening are people like me who have to fly somewhere on short notice.
Like today.
I have a game to do in Las Vegas... A little pre-season shindig for the NBA- Kings/Lakers at the Thomas & Mack Center.
And since it is a last-minute thing, I get the special SSS tag on my boarding pass...
Oh goody. Having gone through this many times, I know the drill...
Take off the shoes, cheerfully submit to the wanding, the pat down and the hand-inspection of armpits & crotch, and removal of the belt for special inspection of the buckle. Please place your hands on the yellow spots, bend over, turn your head and cough.

Thank you...
Ok... please take all the items out of your carry-on bag... Why do you have this computer? Do you need to carry this on? Why is this power supply in the bag? Do you need it on the plane? What about this bottle of water? Is it really water? Please open it up so we can test it for gunpowder, thermite, gasoline and antioxidants...
HOLD THE PHONE, MAX! I think we got one here... look down there in the bottom of his bag! Jumped up Jeezus on a Pogo stick! A match! There is a loose match in his bag- hidden waaay down at the bottom under his laptop... Oh boy... I'll bet the soles of his sandals are a new high-grade explosive developed by the Al Qida Laboratories in the mountains of Trashcanistan...
OK MR Young... OR shall I call you Abdul?
It is all I can do to keep from telling him that my Islamic name is "M'Balz Es Hari"...
So... an extra 20 minutes of Q&A as to why a match might have been lurking in my bag. Phone calls are made, computer queries are done. Gas Chromatograph scans of all the items in my carry-on are performed.
The end result... The match is confiscated. Forms are filled out. Database entries are made. The skies over America are once again safe for the traveling public, thanks to the vigilance of the Department of Homeland Security...

Ok... Now.. Here's my question...
If this is the kind of inspection that is needed to be absolutely sure that no weapons, explosives, etc are brought on the airplane, than why are we only doing certain people? Why not everyone? Is the regular inspection not good enough to catch weapons, etc? And if the regular inspection is good enough, why do we need the special inspection?

I mean, it should be either one or the other, but not both.

Now... About weapons...
Anyone with a modicum of training doesn't need a gun, knife or box cutter to take over a plane. And you don't need a block of C-4 to knock one out of the sky. If you want to disarm me you better take away everything that I'm carrying... Pens and pencils are prime weapons. And don't think I couldn't wreak havoc on board a plane with my shoelaces or a power cord from my computer...
And you give me a real honest-to-Ghod metal knife with my meal on the flight? WTF is up with that? If I had that exact same knife that they GIVE you on the plane when I go through the checkpoint, I would wind up face-down on an examining table with a humorless TSA guy shining a flashlight up my ass...
And I have news for you- that little bottle of vodka or rum is a tiny Molotov cocktail... And they give me a glass for my beverage? Know how many seconds it take to make a makeshift knife out of broken glass? Please. There are TENS of THOUSANDS of us out there that made a career of improvised weaponry...

Be serious... The TSA and the DHS are all about safety... And if you believe that I have some land in south Florida I want to sell you... I have a news flash for you: the US Army, and the USMC are much better at making people dangerous than the DHS is at making the skies safe.

But today, all flights are safer than they were before 9/11... 9/11 changed the rules. It is no longer a case of taking hostages... so it is no longer a case of obeying the terrorists and everything will be ok when the demands are met. Now, if a plane DOES get taken over, we all know it will be used as a giant guided missile, so the obvious reaction will be a human wave to overpower the terrorist(s), and if a flight attendant or another passenger gets hurt or killed to save 100 or 1000 lives, that is something we can all live with...

Look- TSA- your precautions are a joke...
Don't hand me a turd and tell me it's a candy bar... Don't subject me to this crap at the airport, then expect me to believe that everything is hunky dory because the TSA is on the job, inspecting sandals and making sure mom doesn't have nailclippers, when I can walk through with 12" metal knitting needles...
Please. I was born at night, but not LAST night.


TBG Out-