Thursday, July 30, 2009

What Exit?

For AG, DanO and the rest of my Jersey friends-

You know you're from Jersey when...

You watched "Mallrats" and said "I've been to that mall!"

At least half the people you knew in high school went to Rutgers.

Your big class trip in elementary school was to Morristown.

You long for the days when the Devils wore Christmas colors.

You know that the only people that call it "Joisey" are from New York.

You've planned a local trip around ensuring you pass at least one Dunkin' Donuts.

You don't think of citrus when people mention "The Oranges"

You know that it's called "Great Adventure"... not "Six Flags", dammit.

You've ordered a "hard roll with butter" for breakfast.

You've eaten at a diner, drunk off your ass, at 3am at least a dozen times.

At least three people in your family still love Bruce Springsteen.

You always use a minimum of 10 variations of the word "damn" while driving.

You don't have to go to Red Lobster to get fresh seafood.

You once said, "It smells like New York in here,"

In high school, you worked at a Friendly's.

The Garden State Parkway doesn't freak you out at night.

You know what a "jug handle" is.

You have mandatory recycling. Enforced by law.

You've eaten a pork roll and cheese on a hard roll...and like it.

You've pondered, "Maybe basketball would be more popular in NJ if the Nets didn't blow,"

You say "water" weird. (Wadder, Cawfee, Dowg, wadever)

Even your school made good Italian subs.

You've lived through hurricanes, nor'easters and fires, but have never seen a tornado or earthquake.

You can't believe MTV went to Seaside Heights.

You know that ACME is an actual store, not just a Warner Bros. creation.

You only go to New York City for day trips.

You've run out of money on the Parkway.

You know where to get the best bagel.

You think the Olive Garden is crap and should have never opened any restaurants in New Jersey.

There are no self serve gas stations and you like it that freakin' way.

You've had sex on the beach, and I'm not talking about the beverage.

You know how to successfully handle a traffic circle.

The Jets/Giants game has started fights at your school and/or local bar.

Your car is covered with yellow-green dust in April and May.

You can't understand why there aren't more 24-hr diners elsewhere in the county.

You live within 45 minutes of at least three different malls.

You've seen or been in a fight between a Rangers fan and a Devils fan.

You have or know someone with mafia connections too.

You're related to someone who thinks the New York Jets should be called the New Jersey Jets

You've been to a party in the woods.

You've purchased fireworks in Chinatown.

You know where to get a freshly cooked Taylor Ham, Egg and Cheese sandwich at 2 a.m.

You don't take shit from no one either.

You remember Action Park and may have been seriously injured there.

At some time you got on the wrong highway trying to get out of Willowbrook mall.

Z-100 used to be your favorite radio station.

Anything less than three inches of snow ain't shit.

Someone cut you off on the road and you told them to go f**k themself.

You think people from South Jersey talk funny.

You're radioactive and proud of it.


Wednesday, July 29, 2009

And That's When the Fight Started...

My wife sat down on the couch next to me as I was flipping channels. She asked, ‘What’s on TV?’
I said, ‘Dust.’

And that’s when the fight started…


My wife and I were watching Who Wants To Be A Millionaire while we were in bed. I turned to her and said, “Do you want to have sex?”
“No,” she answered.
I then said, “Is that your final answer?”
She didn’t even look at me this time, simply saying “Yes.”
So I said, “Then I’d like to phone a friend.”

And that’s when the fight started…


I asked my wife, “Where do you want to go for our anniversary?”
It warmed my heart to see her face melt in sweet appreciation. “Somewhere I haven’t been in a long time!” she said.
So I suggested, “How about the kitchen?”

And that’s when the fight started…


Saturday morning I got up early, quietly dressed, made my lunch, grabbed the dog, and slipped quietly into the garage. I hooked up the boat up to the truck, and proceeded to back out into a torrential downpour.
The wind was blowing 50 mph, so I pulled back into the garage, turned on the radio, and discovered that the weather would be bad all day. I went back into the house, quietly undressed, and slipped back into bed.
I cuddled up to my wife’s back, now with a different anticipation, and whispered, ‘The weather out there is terrible.’
My loving wife of 10 years replied, ‘Can you believe my stupid husband is out fishing in that?’

And that’s when the fight started…


A man and a woman were asleep like two innocent babies. Suddenly, at 3 o’clock in the morning, a loud noise came from outside.The woman, bewildered, jumped up from the bed and yelled at the man ‘Holy Crap..That must be my husband!’

So the man jumped out of the bed- scared and naked he jumped out the window. He crashed to the ground, ran through a thorn bush and to his car as fast as he could go. A few minutes later he returned and went up to the bedroom and screamed at the woman, ‘I AM your husband!’

The woman yelled back, ‘Yeah, then why were you running?’

And that’s when the fight started…


I tried to talk my wife into buying a case of Molson Canadian for $24.95. Instead, she bought a jar of face cream for $17.95.
I told her the beer would make her look better at night than the face cream.

And that’s when the fight started…


A woman was standing nude, looking in the bedroom mirror. She was not happy with what she saw and said to her husband, ‘I feel horrible; I look old, fat and ugly. I really need you to pay me a compliment.’
The husband replies, ‘Your eyesight’s damn near perfect.’

And that’s when the fight started…


I took my wife to a restaurant. The waiter, for some reason, took my order first. “I’ll have the strip steak, medium rare, please.”
He said, “Aren’t you worried about the mad cow?”"
“Nah, she can order for herself.”

And that’s when the fight started…


My wife and I were sitting at a table at my high school reunion, and I kept staring at a drunken lady swigging her drink as she sat alone at a nearby table.
My wife asked, ‘Do you know her?’
‘Yes,’ I sighed, ‘She’s my old girlfriend. I understand she took to drinking right after we split up those many years ago, and I hear she hasn’t been sober since.’
‘My God!’ said my wife, ‘who would think a person could go on celebrating that long?’

And that’s when the fight started…


After retiring, I went to the Social Security office to apply for my benefits. The woman behind the counter asked me for my driver’s license to verify my age. I looked in my pockets and realized I had left my wallet at home. I told the woman that I was very sorry, but I would have to go home and come back later.
The woman said, ‘Unbutton your shirt.’ So I opened my shirt revealing my curly silver hair. She said, ‘That silver hair on your chest is proof enough for me’ and she processed my Social Security application.
When I got home, I excitedly told my wife about my experience at the Social Security office.
She said, ‘You should have dropped your pants. You might have gotten disability, too.’

And that’s when the fight started…


When I got home last night, my wife demanded that I take her someplace expensive… so, I took her to a gas station.

And that’s when the fight started…


My wife was hinting about what she wanted for our upcoming anniversary. She said, ‘I want something shiny that goes from 0 to 200 in about 3 seconds.
I bought her a bathroom scale.

And that’s when the fight started…


One year, a husband decided to buy his mother-in-law a cemetery plot as a Christmas gift.
The next year, he didn’t buy her a gift.
When she asked him why, he replied, “Well, you still haven’t used the gift I bought you last year!”

And that’s how the fight started…


The Girls

No... Not the PC and The Woman Who Knows Most Things.

The new Ladies in the Armory.

You met Minerva in the previous post...

Now meet her big sister...

Pallas Athene

Aren't they lovely?

There is another form of Home Security at The Estrogen Palace...

Lots of teeth, and she knows how to use them...

Why do we need lots of protection at Casa TBG?

This is why:

'Cause I'm tired tired tired of these beasties infesting the backyard.


New Family Member...

Meet Minerva

Wait 'til you meet her big sister...


How's your headache?

A man goes to the doctor with a long history of migraine headaches. When the doctor gets his history and gives him an exam, he discovers that the man has tried practically every therapy known for his migraines and STILL no improvement.

"Listen," says the doctor, "I have migraines, too, and the advice I'm going to give you isn't really anything I learned in medical school. But, it is advice that I've gotten from my own experience. When I have a migraine, I go home, get in a nice hot bathtub, and soak for a while."

The doctor continued, "Then I have my wife sponge me off with the hottest water I can stand, especially around the forehead. This helps a little. Then I get out of the tub, take her into the bedroom, and even if my head is killing me, I force myself to have sex with her. Almost always, the headache is immediately gone. Now, give it a try, and come back and see me in five weeks."

Five weeks later, the patient returns with a big grin. "Doc! I took your advice and it works! It REALLY WORKS! I've had migraines for fifteen years and this is the FIRST time anyone has ever helped me!"

"Well," says the physician, "I'm glad I could help."

"By the way, Doc," the patient adds, "You have a really nice house."


Average California Resident

Given the results of the 2008 election, apparently there are lots of people like this, and they have voter registration cards.

(From Breda)


TBG's Rules

A few posts back I mentioned TBG's Rules...
Someone had the temerity to ask about posting them.

Jeebus you people are pushy.

Ok... Here you go:

The Big Guy's Rules

Annexed, borrowed, stolen, appropriated, and otherwise garnered from various sources.

1. Don't confuse motion with progress.
2. Everything takes longer than you think.
3. Always treat it like its loaded. Especially when it's not.
4. Never argue with a woman. Even if you win, you've lost.
5. Avoid any action with an unacceptable outcome.
6. Its better to have it and not need it than need it and not have it.
7. Never believe what you are told. Double check. Always double check.
8. Always keep your clothes and weapons where you can find them in the dark.
9. Never be unreachable. (This is for OTHER PEOPLE.)
10. Never go anywhere without a knife.
11. No good deed goes unpunished.
12. Nothing is as easy as it looks.
13. Jay's rule of high steel: Don't let go of something until you have a hold of something else.
14. Just because you CAN do something doesn't mean you SHOULD.
15. If you're part of a team, work with the team.
16. Trying to "teach someone a lesson"never works.
17. Do not say "hi" to a perfect stranger in any town with a population over 2,000. The friendly gesture in Bugtussle Alabama is a scary act of aggression in Boston.
18. When you're ready to quit, you're closer than you think.
19. Don’t Shit where you eat.
20. The person who sincerely says to you, "I want to get to know you better," is a person you don't want to know at all.
21. Never make a threat you don’t intend to carry out.
22. Anything that is not managed will deteriorate.
23. Remember Kaizen: Small daily improvements eventually result in huge advantages.
24. Stuff can be replaced.
25. Never expect life to be fair.


Tuesday, July 28, 2009

Happy ending.

A Greek man, relaxing at his favorite cafe managed to attract a spectacular blond woman. He invited her back to his apartment, and after some small talk they made love. After a pleasant interlude, and, at what seemed to him to be the appropriate time, he stretched, asked with a smile, " finish?"

She paused for a second, frowned, and replied "No."

Pleasantly surprised, the Greek man reached for her and had his way with her again. This time she's wild, thrashing about on the bed and climaxing with screams of passion. Again, the Greek man smiles, and asks, "You finish?"

And again, after a short pause, she returns his smile, cuddles closer to him, and says "No."

Stunned, but damned if this woman is going to outlast him, the young man reaches for his date. It takes all of his strength and he barely manages to do it, but they climax simultaneously, screaming, bucking, clawing and ripping bed sheets. It's dawn by then, and, entirely spent, the exhausted Greek man falls onto his back, gasping. Barely able to turn his head, he looks into her eyes, smiles proudly, and asks, "You finish!?"

"Dammit, no!" she shouts back. "I am Swedish!"


Thursday, July 09, 2009

More pics from the 7/4 Potluck...

Including pics of Yours Truly...

See them here at Karen's Site


Tuesday, July 07, 2009

Requiescat In Pace

Fishing captain, businessman, dead at 51

Words fail me...


Greece Graffiti

I have a soft spot in my heart for urban artwork...

For instance, from my travels in Italy:

In Greece, they have turned every flat surface into a political statement.
But among the politics, you find some real jewels...

This dolphin would make a great tattoo...

Sad Panda

This one was pretty cool before it got tagged...

Damned emo kids...


Puff the Tragic Dragon

Stencil Art


Garden Key - 4th Fun

We had a potluck out here on Garden Key on the 4th...

Karen and Robin serving up Key Deer...

The best venison roast I've ever had... It was awesome.

Theo the Shark Researcher and Brion Schaner

Enjoying cool beverages during the cocktail hour.

Robin Leatherman carving the venison as Dave delivers his contribution to the potluck.

The girls had a nice opportunity to gossip...

Volunteers Julie & Dina (back row) and Kayla the Biologist & Julie Schaner (front row).

A special part of the potluck was the post-dinner Ice Cream Social...
Chocolate and vanilla ice cream, along with a myriad of garnishes including Robin's Super-Secret-Peanut-Butter topping.

Robin swearing a visitor to silence, never to divulge the secret of the SSPB Sauce.

I'll leave you with some scenery from this weekend...

Ho hum... Just another Tortugas sunset. How very mundane...

So close...yet so far away...

Moonrise over the Harbor Light

More tales to come...


Saturday, July 04, 2009

Do ya think?

And now a word from Captain Obvious...

In an opinion piece published in the American Journal of Radiology, the doctors warned of possible "morbid obesity, profound gastroparesis, intractable nausea and vomiting, and even the need for a gastrectomy [surgical removal of all or part of the stomach]. Despite its growing popularity, competitive speed eating is a potentially self-destructive form of behavior."

...a potentially self-destructive form of behavior.

And... if you get in the water at the beach, you might get wet.


Never Forget

It's not just picnics, barbeques and fireworks...

When, in the course of human events, it becomes necessary for one people to dissolve the political bonds which have connected them with another, and to assume among the powers of the earth, the separate and equal station to which the laws of nature and of nature’s God entitle them, a decent respect to the opinions of mankind requires that they should declare the causes which impel them to the separation.

We hold these truths to be self-evident, that all men are created equal, that they are endowed by their Creator with certain unalienable rights, that among these are life, liberty and the pursuit of happiness.
That to secure these rights, governments are instituted among men, deriving their just powers from the consent of the governed. That whenever any form of government becomes destructive to these ends, it is the right of the people to alter or to abolish it, and to institute new government, laying its foundation on such principles and organizing its powers in such form, as to them shall seem most likely to effect their safety and happiness.
Prudence, indeed, will dictate that governments long established should not be changed for light and transient causes; and accordingly all experience hath shown that mankind are more disposed to suffer, while evils are sufferable, than to right themselves by abolishing the forms to which they are accustomed.

But when a long train of abuses and usurpations, pursuing invariably the same object evinces a design to reduce them under absolute despotism, it is their right, it is their duty, to throw off such government, and to provide new guards for their future security. –Such has been the patient sufferance of these colonies; and such is now the necessity which constrains them to alter their former systems of government…

(Declaration of Independence - Drafted by Thomas Jefferson between June 11 and June 28, 1776)

(Emphasis by TBG)

Dry Torytugas 2009 - Part I

It's not perfect, but I'm working on it...

I finally made it out to the Park yesterday.
I did my typical drive-all-night-to-avoid-KeyWest-Hotel-rates kamikazi run from Jax to KW.
Left at 9pm, had a 45 minute delay at a construction zone near Melbourne and had a 20 minute power snooze at one of the turnpike plazas. It put me a little behind, so I didn't get to do my last-minute grocery run, but I'm in pretty good shape...
My man Pete did make a quick run to grab some essentials for me before meeting me at the boat...
And...crap...I just remembered that I didn't reimburse him.
Pete- let me know what I owe you!

The one thing that I had planned on stopping for but waited too long and blew my chance was to pick up a handle of Captain Morgan.
(Take a second and let that sink in. TBG. In the Tortugas. Without rum.
The world might stop spinning...)

The bad part... I'm still on Garden Key. There are "issues" over on Loggerhead Key, so no one is there right now, so I'm stuck at Ft. Jeff, with the title of Maintenance Bitch...
Started mowing the Parade Ground last night, will probably finish tonite. I'll be dragging a mower up to the 3rd level tomorrow AM to start mowing up there.
I have a laundry list of things to do...

And man, it is hot hot hot down here. No breeze to speak of, and 90+ degrees.

The word of the day is "Hydration".

Pics to follow soon.

Oh yes... One other thing...
The Quote of the Day for 7/3:

"My shorts might melt to my butt if I sit down."
From Karen of Karen's Great Adventure


Thursday, July 02, 2009

Greek Critters

The animals in Greece have been a source of enjoyment.

I've already shown you the goats, which are always a hoot... but there were some other fun critters.

There was plenty of small lizards like this skink that I got to pose for a pic in Kouros.

I did see one snake on the island; just a small garter snake crossing the road, but I wasn't able to get my camera out in time.

Some more 4-footed friends-

Man, that is one fine ass...

There was a field with several calves tethered in one spot...
The Woman insisted that we go make friends with them.

They were very cute little veals...

One thought he was Gene Simmons.

The dogs in Greece are awesome. Tired, but awesome.

Restaurant Dog

Acropolis Dog

Goatherder Dog

And there were quite a few cats... there was the one that helped me order lunch in Apollonas and then this one in Athens who was trying to blend in with the ruins...

No one here but us marble antiques.

One last beastie...
Down in the Ancient Agora (as opposed to the Modern Agora (Carrefour) or the Roman Agora) there was a grassy spot with 4 tortoises roaming the lawn.

Do not walk on the grass (unless you are a turtle).


Naxos - Day 4

We decided to hit the beach on Day 4...

But first, breakfast.
The regular place (Heavens) was closed for for some odd reason.

We hit a cafe on the city square in Chora, very close to our room.
Soulatso Cafe was the only place open in the are at 8:30 in the morning.

Breakfast special...

Coffee or tea, a waffle, fruit, Greek yogurt, and honey.

It was the best damn waffle I've ever had.

Afterward I went to a dive shop in Agrios Prokopis and rented snorkel gear...
It was bit awkward...
They wanted a picture ID to secure the rental. Maria from Studios Maria had my passport as security, and Nikos at the scooter rental had my Fl drivers license, so all I had to give them was my Fla Concealed Carry Permit.
The proprietor of the dive shop looked at it, figured out what it was, then looked at me like I'd handed him a snake.
He photocopied it and handed it back, then rushed me out the door, perhaps expecting a hail of gunfire if he didn't conclude the transaction quickly.

We headed up to Ambram...
Remember this place?

Well... Today the water had a little chop, and there was a small squall hanging offshore that held off coming in to run us off the beach until 2:00.

I did a little liveblogging after I snorkeled around the rocks...
I mentioned in that post about the relative dearth of shells and fish.

I had noticed the same thing in Crete back in 2004.
Sherman, set the Wayback, June 2004.
In Crete they have an excuse for the waters being devoid of fish... The overfish the hell out of the place.
And not just with nets.
In Paleochora I came across two old guys that didn't have ten fingers between them.
They were sitting in the back of a fishing boat, with a box with 4 home-made pipebombs.

(I guess that, as a rule, all pipebombs are home made. I've never seen a store called "Pipebombs-R-Us".
Although it is possible that there might be a site on the internet for such things, but I'm not doing a Google search on "Where to buy pipebombs." I have a feeling that would definitely get my IP address and cell phone put on a list in a large non-descript building in Langley VA. But I digress...)

I asked my bartender friend Manolo in Paleochora about the fishermen with missing digits and the bombs.
"That is the easy way to fish." he told me.
Apparently, they got tired of hauling their nets out to a likely spot and spending the day dropping them in the water then dragging them back in the boat and only getting 5 or 6 fish. Instead they go up into the mountains in Crete and find old cached munitions from WWII. They take apart old artillery shells and mortars and use the propellant and charges to make the bombs for concussion fishing.
This is, as we say in the bidness is A Stupid Thing To Do.
Taking apart 50 year old explosives, for any reason, falls into the same catagory.
(Just as an additional aside, concussion fishing was legal in the US until 1985.)

More fishing with bombs, or in this case, a rocket-propelled grenade.

Rocket-propelled grenade Fishing

Ok... Back to Naxos.
The water is not completely dead. There are lots of tropicals and a good number of invertebrates. The soft corals are prolific on any stable rocks, and there are plenty of sea urchins.
But no shells that I could find... No snails, no clams.
It was odd.

I went back to the beach to sit in the sun and dry off and as I sat there I had a visit from the mayor of Ambram.

This dog came over and sat down and looked at me like I owed her money.

When no cash or treats were forthcoming she took off to look for campaign contributions elsewhere... She walked up to everyone on the back, checking for handouts.

Liquid sunshine a-comin'!

Around 2pm the rain decided to come ashore so we packed up and headed for the inn/restaurant on the beach for a little lunch. The restaurant had some decidedly disturbing artwork out on the dining deck...

How'd you like to have your lunch while being watched by this...thing?

Lunch was awesome, as were all our meals...

We headed back to Naxos Chora after the rain passed - we were heading to Athens the next day on the 12:00 ferry.


Today in History

July 2, 1566

French astrologer Nostradamus dies.

Didn't see that one coming, did ya Nostradamus?