Thursday, April 30, 2009

Island Bound

We're on the way...
We will be causing an increase in rum density in the locale of Garden Key for the next 3 days.
Visitors might be getting contact buzz
just by walking by the campsite.

Film at 11


Wednesday, April 29, 2009

The sandal-wearing goldfish tenders are at it again...

But I'm just amazed at what "it" is...

Festival of the Steel Phallus

It is, obviously, Not Safe For Work....

But damned high-larious!


Saturday, April 25, 2009

Augusta 2009 Frankensandwich

Every year in Augusta I perform experiments on the Green Sandwiches
that are supplied to us by The Tournament.

Last year it was "Elemental Chicken"
- a Chicken filet sandwich with pimento cheese,
and the year before was the beloved "Masters Cordon Bleu"...

This year things got a bit out of hand.

I present to you:

The Kreeper

A Krispy Kreme glazed donut, with banana and Peeps.

Cut the donut in half and invert them to make a stable platform to build upon.

Slice up some banana and artistically arrange the slices, then add Peeps.

Of course, I had to push it...And I highly recommend that you
avoid the temptation to throw this little morsel into your
sandwich press / panini maker / George Foreman Grill...

All the sugar on the Krispy Kreme and the Peeps turns into napalm.
Sweet, sticky napalm.

Tasty- but very, very messy.


Thursday, April 23, 2009


If events in your life are starting to get you down,
go read a few entries at FML...

Today, my first girlfriend of over 3 years left me for another guy. She said she's looking for someone who can financially provide for her in the future. The dude owns a T-Mobile kiosk. I'm going to medical school. FML

It will make you feel very normal and probably give you a better outlook.
If not, at least you'll have a place to go lament how f*&%$@ed your situation is.


Wednesday, April 22, 2009

Stuffs I Likes

On the ol' iPod as we speak, a little of the Bossa Nova-
Sergio Mendes doing Tom Jobim's "Waters of March"

A stick, a stone,
It's the end of the road,
It's the rest of a stump,
It's a little alone

It's a sliver of glass,
It is life, it's the sun,
It is night, it is death,
It's a trap, it's a gun

The oak when it blooms,
A fox in the brush,
A knot in the wood,
The song of a thrush

The wood of the wind,
A cliff, a fall,
A scratch, a lump,
It is nothing at all

It's the wind blowing free,
It's the end of the slope,
It's a beam, it's a void,
It's a hunch, it's a hope

And the river bank talks
of the waters of March,
It's the end of the strain,
It's the joy in your heart

(in Portuguese)

É o pé, é o chão,
é a marcha estradeira
Passarinho na mão,
pedra de atiradeira

É uma ave no céu,
é uma ave no chão
É um regato, é uma fonte,
é um pedaço de pão

É o fundo do poço,
é o fim do caminho
No rosto o desgosto,
é um pouco sozinho

É um estrepe, é um prego,
é uma conta, é um conto
É uma ponta, é um ponto,
é um pingo pingando

É um peixe, é um gesto,
é uma prata brilhando
É a luz da manhã,
é o tijolo chegando

É a lenha, é o dia,
é o fim da picada
É a garrafa de cana,
o estilhaço na estrada

É o projeto da casa,
é o corpo na cama
É o carro enguiçado,
é a lama, é a lama

É um passo, é uma ponte,
é um sapo, é uma rã
É um resto de mato,
na luz da manhã

São as águas de março
fechando o verão
É a promessa de vida
no teu coração


Thursday, April 16, 2009

Just What I Needed. Goat.



Pull-itizer Prize Material

That's right. Semen-based recipes.
I only have 3 comments:

1. I wish I knew how many copies are being sold.
2. The comments are hi-larious.
3. Some of my Constant Readers are whack-jobs and I wish they'd quit e-mailing me some of this bizarre shit...
The guy who runs our Exchange Server is starting to look at me funny.


The Perfect Present

Well, now...

I can now cross Travis off my shopping list.
Finally found the perfect gift for him.

Just what the doctor ordered.


Sunday, April 12, 2009

In the Crew Room

A Sweet Young Thing was in the Crew Room this morning, going through the boxes of Krispy Kreme doughnuts, looking for a specific make and model...

She looked at a mostly-empty box that had once held Chocolate Glazed Doughnuts...
Eying the remaining chocolate in the container she uttered words that will live in infamy:
"Someone's going to have to lick the chocolate out of that box."

All 20 guys in the room thinking at the same moment:
"That's what she said said!"


In Case of Emergency

The Emergency Peeps

The fact that they are still intact over my desk should tell you a couple things...

1. No emergencies.

2. Lots more peeps in the box under my desk.


Caption contest.

A Masters prize pack to the Constant Reader with the best caption.
(Prize pack consists of 2 pimento cheese sandwiches, a Masters Mini MoonPie, and a half-empty Masters bottled water.)
Good luck.

Saturday, April 11, 2009


Whilst watching the broadcast of The Masters on CBS...
Rowley: "They make it harder than it really is."
Stick: "That's what she said."



An Explanation is Requested

Yesterday I related a tale of being abused as I was trying to find the spelling for a word that was eluding my sleep-deprived brain.

Why did I need the word "Legibly" at 6:15 in the morning?
Because I have a daily "Things To Remember" list that we cover with the Volunteers.

Why did I need *that* word?

We gather results electronically, but as we have learned through years of painful Darwinian selection, a manual backup is mandatory.
(You always have to have a manual backup, no matter how bulletproof your Technology is.)
In this case, the manual backup gives us a reference to check our electronic results.

But... Sometimes the process breaks down. And therein lies the story.
Sherman, set the Wayback Machine to Thursday evening...
As I was Quality Checking our results, reconciling the results to our backup paper logs, I came across a set of results that made no sense at all.
No matter how long I looked at it, and no matter how hard I studied it, I couldn't make sense of the results.

"Ah!" I said to myself "I shall take advantage of our finely-honed backup system... I'll look at the paper logs of the results. No doubt our fine volunteers followed our instructions carefully, keeping a duplicate set of results and notes on any deviations form the norm."

I looked up the logs for that location, then flipped to the results in question...expecting to see an entry like "Hit Tree", "Off Grid", "Provisional" or some such notation.

"Hmmmm." I mused. "Hey Susan...Can you read this."
"Hmmm." She said. "I think is says 'Polar bear in bistro with mom'."
"Yeah... I got 'Molar bearing pepto wombat'."

Yeah... I guess a reminder to our guys is in order...
Hence the need for a spell check.
It's bad form to have misspellings in memos about accuracy in reporting, don't you think?


Friday, April 10, 2009

Damned if you Do, Damned if you Don't.

6:15 AM
The InnerNet is down.
(Yes, the entire innernet. Down. Scary, huh?)

I call over to NetWork Control to see why the connection is down. Perhaps someone has cut the string between our tomato soup cans.

Yours Truly: "Hey man... Is our connection to the Intarw3bz down?"
SpongeMark: "It's 6:15! You don't need the InterTubes yet. You can wait for a little while to update your Facebook status, can't you?"
YT: "Research, actually..."
SMSH: "What the hell do you need to research this early?"
YT: "Just a spelling check...Maybe you know- Spell 'legibly' for me."
(Long Pause)
SMSH: ""
7:00 - Still no I'tubes. I think I'm being punished.


Thursday, April 09, 2009

Unclear on the Concept - Political Insults

Just sitting here minding my own bizness, watching the data roll into the DOM from out on The Course...

My email alert chimed...
Cockroach, who had been sitting next to me at his desk got up, mumbled something about replacing a battery in a laser out on The Course and dashed out the door, knowing the sky would shortly turn purple.

I read the new message in my inbox:

Hey TBG,
I just ran into the BeeKeeper.
A few words were exchanged about 'ism's and Government control.
He said "tell Commie Young to get to work!"

This is me, "The Messenger!, Just the Messenger"

~ Cockroach



HE's calling ME a COMMIE?!

This isn't even the pot calling the kettle black...
This is the pot calling the Corning Ware black.

Trampis- I'm starting to worry about your vocabulary...
Here's the way it works-
You're an Obama-voting Pseudo-Socialist pinko hippie neo-maxi-zoomed-dweeb.
When I call you a Communist, it implies you are even FURTHER left (if possible) than you actually are.

No one could possibly imply that I have any Communistic leanings...
Even though during the ramp up to the 2008 Olympics in Beijing I stated "Communism Gets Shit Done", this doesn't imply my approval of any Marxist social system.
If you wanted to imply that I was beyond my usual Conservative belief you could call me a Mossback... But that's a rather antiquated term... Appropriate, though.

You better get your terms squared away, Hippie.
Don't make me unleash my pet Thesaurus on you...

Now, if you really want to piss me off and put yourself at the top of the list for an ass-kicking, call me a Republican.


Anyone Get the Number of That Bus?

(*Some* names changes to protect the guilty.)

I was having a lively discussion with our on-site Code Monkey...
(We'll call him "Frank" for the sake of argument)
And after pointing out some obvious issues and deficiencies in his code, he shrugged his shoulders and gave me the non-verbal equivalent of "Not my problem, Bucko."

At that point I let him know his invitation to our Departmental Really Good Food that is catered in every night was being rescinded... No Prime Rib for you!

Frank: No Dinner? WTF?

TBG: Yes. No dinner. Banned from Maintenance Bldg. Wanted posters will be posted with your mugly ug..

Frank: I didn't make the changes to send that stuff back out to the devices!

TBG: Well *I* sure as hell didn't do it... You're the code monkey here... Unless you can pinpoint another victim, you're getting the blame...
I'm all about Vengance.

Frank says: JASON
Frank says: Jason... meet "the bus".
Frank says: Vroom! There it went, right over him.

TBG says: Ah. Excellent. A target for my frustration.
TBG says: So... Tell me, do you install handles on your developers to facilitate throwing them under the bus?


Sunday, April 05, 2009

Sunday Breakfast TWSS

Overheard at the (W)awful House: "I can only have a piece of meat like that once a month."

"That's what she said."


Friday, April 03, 2009

Mow the Lawn you think they're being too subtle?



In the mourning after a terrible knight, nothing's better than the bear of the dog that hit you.

Gonna be a looooong day!
(Especially for *someone* who drank a jacuzzi-sized Margarita and a 2-pint salsa chaser. )


Thursday, April 02, 2009

Famous Last Words

After 36 Ounces of Margarita and 14 ounces of salsa...

Zach: "Don't leave me hangin'! Fist me Motherf'er..."

And the last one...

Cockroach: "That's a big tip!"
TBG: "That's what she says all the time."


More TWSSs and Others

We finally got some from Mike:
"I'd rip that thing open so fast..."
And ...
MikeC:"Do you have anything bigger?"
JonVDW "That's what she said."

Robert: "It's going to slide in so easy for you..."
JonVDW: "That's...what...she... Screw it. This is getting too easy."

Not a TWSS but still damned funny:
(After *drinking* 15 ounces of salsa)
Zach "I've got an onion in my nose."
Zach: "Y'all aren't going to be happy until I throw up."


Sombrero Night One-Liners

Zach: "I have to pull my finger out. Hold on a second."

JonVDW - "You're gonna have to take your shower by yourself now."

Catfish: "Put it on Carlos' tab."
Guitar Player: "Carlos has avery short tab."
TBG: "That's....what...she...well, you know.."

Mike C: " "

Guitar Player: "What is that, a trumpet?"
JonVDW: "Its a Rusty Trombone."
(This was possibly the all-time best line of the night...)

Robert: I'm only eating Zach's taco...

SMSH: There's no way I could have eaten that taco.


SpongeMark and the Tequila Monster

You gonna drink it or swim in that thing?

Sombrero Night 2009

The first of many, many tequila beverages.

its going to go bad... I can already tell...

Quote of the day - 4/2

(At Home Depot in Augusta Ga.)
Random Customer 1: "Lookit all these here buckets."
Random Customer 2: "Yeah...This place has more leaks than the Pentagon."


Wednesday, April 01, 2009

Recipe for Disaster

3 guys, 1 bathroom.

This is going to end in tears.


Typical Georgia Traffic

First construction slowdown at MM 32, traffic completely stopped at at MM 38...

Wecome to Georgia, the state where it takes 3 hours to go 100 miles.


Don't Want

Things Uncle Jay doesn't like:
Dash-mounted gear shift.

Masters Trip TWSS

As we loaded the car to begin our trip to Augusta...

Eric: "Time to get in, I'm getting wet."

That's what she said...