Saturday, February 28, 2009

Just a Little Disturbing...

"Today's scripture is from the book of Orkin, Chapter 12, verse 4..."

When I look at this I can't help but think of The Cockroach's Website...


Lovely Urkel Ringtones!

Would you like a nice "Dear Leader" ringtone,
so you can hear his soothing voice when your
phone rings?

Here ya go...

Ring 1

Ring 2

Ring 3

Ring 4

Ring 5



Wednesday, February 25, 2009

Cleaning Out the "To Be Posted" Folder


Dangers of the Intarweb

Eight Euros?!

Google as an Oracle - Try it yourself.


There's a Shocker

Your true political self:
You are a Social Liberal (60% permissive)
and an...
Economic Conservative (81% permissive)

You are best described as a: Capitalist

You exhibit a very well-developed sense of Right and Wrong and believe in economic fairness.

Take the test yourself --- > OK Cupid


Random Phoenix Stuff

Just a few random images from Phoenix and the road trip...

A barber shop for scorpions?

Uncle Jay likes driving in Texas!

Another reason for Happy-Texas-Driving... Free WiFi at Rest Areas!

And finally...

Long. Wongs. Wings.
I can't even say it without cracking up...


Monday, February 23, 2009

New Sony Tech Gear

This is the funniest (and most accurate) tech product review I've ever seen...
(Stolen fromFound lying in the mud over at The Mighty Skunk's site...)

Language NSFW, if that kind of thing is important to you...


Uncle Jay in a Word Cloud



Quiz Time!

Hi Kids,
It's Political Science time here with Uncle Jay...

Put on your thinking caps and guess who said the following:

"Genuine bipartisanship assumes an honest process of give-and-take, and that the quality of the compromise is measured by how well it serves some agreed-upon goal, whether better schools or lower deficits. This in turn assumes that the majority will be constrained — by an exacting press corps and ultimately an informed electorate — to negotiate in good faith.

"If these conditions do not hold — if nobody outside Washington is really paying attention to the substance of the bill, if the true costs . . . are buried in phony accounting and understated by a trillion dollars or so — the majority party can begin every negotiation by asking for 100% of what it wants, go on to concede 10%, and then accuse any member of the minority party who fails to support this 'compromise' of being 'obstructionist.'"

Any guesses?



FNG at His First Event.

A long-time project manager here at work had a new guy at his event...
They arrived in town, went to the site, checked out the equipment to be installed the next day then knocked off for the remainder of the afternoon in order to get checked in to the hotel and get dinner before their first set-up day.

The PM got the FNG checked in to the hotel, told him where the local restaurants and bars were, and made arrangements to meet in the lobby in the morning to head to the site.

At 7:30 the next morning, everyone was standing around, waiting for the FNG...
7:45- No FNG...
At 8:00 the PM called the FNG's cell phone... the FNG answered breathlessly.
"I can't get out of my room!"
"You can't get out of your room? Why not?" the PM asked.
"There are only 3 doors in here... One is a closet, one is a bathroom, and the other has a sign on it that says 'Do Not Disturb'."

Obviously, the FNG is management material...


Lightbulb Joke

Q: How many lawyers does it take to change a light bulb?

A: Such number as may be deemed necessary to perform the stated task in a timely and efficient manner within the strictures of the following agreement.
Whereas the party of the first part, also known as 'the lawyers' and the party of the second part, also known as 'the light bulb' do hereby agree to a transaction wherein the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be removed from the current position as a result of failure to perform previously agreed upon duties, i.e. the lighting, elucidation, and otherwise illumination of the area ranging from the front (North) door, through the entryway, terminating at an area just through the primary living area, demarcated by the beginning of the carpet, any spillover illumination being at the option of the party of the second part (light bulb) and not required by the aforementioned agreement between the parties. The aforementioned removal transaction shall include, but not be limited to, the following steps:

1. The party of the first part (lawyer) shall, with or without elevation at his option, by means of a chair, step stool, ladder or any other means of elevation, grasp the party of the second part (light bulb) and rotate the party of the second part (light bulb) in a counter clockwise direction, said direction being non-negotiable. Said grasping and rotation of the party of the second part (light bulb) shall be undertaken by the party of the first part (lawyer) to maintain the structural integrity of the party of the second part (light bulb), notwithstanding the aforementioned failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) to perform the customary and agreed upon duties. The foregoing notwithstanding, however, both parties stipulate that structural failure of the party of the second part (light bulb) may be incidental to the aforementioned failure to perform and in such case the party of the first part (lawyer) shall be held blameless for such structural failure insofar as the non-negotiable directional codicil (counter-clockwise) is observed by the party of the first part (lawyer) throughout.

2. Upon reaching a point where the party of the second part (light bulb) becomes seperated from the party of the third part ('receptacle'), the party of the first part shall have the option of disposing of the party of the second part (light bulb) in a manner consistent with all applicable state, local, and federal statutes.

3. Once separation and disposal have been achieved, the party of the first part (lawyer) shall have the option of beginning the installation of the party of the fourth part ('new light bulb'). This installation shall occur in a manner consistent with the reverse procedures described in step one of this self same document, being careful to note that the rotation should occur in a clockwise direction, said direction also being non-negotiable and only until the party of the fourth part (new light bulb) becomes snug in the party of the third part (receptacle) and in fact becomes the party of the second part (light bulb).

Note: The above described steps may be performed, at the option of the party of the first part (lawyer), by said party of the first part (lawyer), or by his or her heirs and assigns, or by any and all persons authorized by him or her to do so the objective being to produce a level of illumination in the immediate vicinity of the aforementioned front (North) door consistent with maximization of ingress and revenue for the party of the fifth part, also known as 'The Firm'.


Friday, February 20, 2009

Quote of the Day - Feb 20th

"There are those in America today who have come to depend absolutely on government for their security. And when government fails, they seek to rectify that failure in the form of granting government more power.
So, as government has failed to control crime and violence with the means given it by the Constitution, they seek to give it more power at the expense of the Constitution.

But in doing so, in their willingness to give up their arms in the name of safety, they are really giving up their protection from what has always been the chief source of despotism: the­ government.

Lord Acton said 'power corrupts.'
Surely then, if this is true, the more power we give the government, the more corrupt it will become.
And if we give it the power to confiscate our arms we also give up the ultimate means to combat that corrupt power.
In doing so we can only assure that we will eventually be totally subject to it."

-- Ronald Reagan


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Who didn't see this coming?

Here's a real shocker from the Chicago Sun-Times...

Obama victory bash owes city $1.74 mil

Chicago has yet to recoup the $1.74 million cost of President Obama's victory celebration in Grant Park -- despite a burgeoning $50.5 million budget shortfall that threatens more layoffs and union concessions.

"The Democratic National Committee has not yet paid us,'' Peter Scales, a spokesman for the city's Office of Budget and Management, said Thursday after questions from the Chicago Sun-Times. "We're reaching out to them this week."


I had a chat with my friend Democrat Dog about this inconsequential little matter...
DD: "Bills?
The One don’t care about no stinkin' bills!
Change means *creating* bills, not *paying* them.
That’s the job of the middle classes. "

Yours Truly: "That would be the same poor assholes that bought a house they could afford, pay the mortgage on time and understand the concept of financial responsibility?"

DD (ignoring the point) "What the hell were you people thinking? Bills…pah!"


Tuesday, February 17, 2009

Three Pounds of Crawfish Later

...And I was back on the road!

Maybe I can make it to Hooters for dinner...



So much for making it to Hooters on my last day out on the road...

Monday, February 16, 2009

Exclusive! New Feature!

New high-tech blog widget...

Spectacular Canadian Global Position Tracking System
introduced here on Listen2UncleJay.Com for the first time anywhere...

(Thanks Luc!)


Texas Roadkill

The count, as of 12 noon CST, mile marker 105:
9 Deer
4 Skunks
6 Small UDOs

TBG, Keeping the tally.

Could You At Least Ask First?

I tinkered with the contents of my coffee cup for several minutes, trying to get the right balance of coffee, Half & Half and sweetener. It's difficult to find the right combination sometimes, depending on the strength of the coffee, the kind of "whitener" and the type of sugar.

It really burns my ass when I finally get a good mix and only get to take 3 or 4 sips, then (in the name of service and efficiency) the waitress swoops in and dive-bombs my cup with a refill and a cheery "Let me warm that up for ya!"

Hey lady, how 'bout I fatten that lip for ya? I just got it where I wanted it and now you screw it up!

Is this some kind of game?

Could you at least check before filling my cup all the way to the brim, so I need to slurp up some of the scalding java before I can add more cream and sugar.

I swear, next time some clueless waitress overfills my cup I'm going to pour an ounce or two on the floor in order to make room for my breakfast-time chemistry experiments.

TBG - Da BOM*.

(*More on THAT later.)


Las Cruces NM

10:57pm MST - I-10

Eastbound and down, loaded up and truckin'! El Paso by morning...

TBG out the door-

Sunday, February 15, 2009

10 Minutes to Hell.

Waiting in the TV truck for an event to start.
Turner Tech Guy: "You stay right here, just in case something happens."
Events are 98% boredom, 2% sheer terror.
(as Ben C told me in my original IDS interview.)

TWSS - PHX- Continued

Yellow Contractor: "Here's the pickle you were looking for..."
David (Satan): "That's what she said."

One event to go...


Saturday, February 14, 2009

Quote of the Day

Random TNT Guy at the ASW Block Party: "Jezus! Remind me not to piss you off. You're a big dude."
TBG: "But I'm a nice guy. I'll kick your ass with a smile."

Friday, February 13, 2009

Don't Ask.

It's getting out of hand here in Phoenix.

Thursday, February 12, 2009

Trojan Hearse


Complete and Utter Bullshit

Conference Report on American Recovery and Reinvestment Act
Six pages of craptacular horseshit from the Nancy "condoms are stimulus" Pelosi.

Two juicy phrases from this steaming pile of feces (the document, not Pelosi):

"Unprecedented accountability and transparency measures are built in to help ensure tax dollars are spent wisely and help restore confidence — another critical component of this recovery."


"There are no earmarks or pet projects."

See if you can read it without throwing up.


Let me get this straight...

The Gummint is going to "create" 5 million new jobs.

The 5 million new jobs will be Gummint jobs... i.e. the Gummint will be providing the money to pay for the new "shovel ready" projects that will employ the 5 million.
(And by "shovel ready" it is inferred that the jobs will entail digging holes and then filling them back up again.)

Ok... So where will the money to pay for the new jobs come from?

(Three guesses now...)

The wallet/pocket/purse of the WORKING taxpaying Americans.


Wouldn't it make more sense to to provide business owners with capital and incentive to expand existing businesses, to be able to hire more employees, to GENERATE more tax revenue?

With the current plan it is like trying to fill a half-empty swimming pool by sticking a pump at the shallow end and pumping the water over to the deep end of the pool, or by trying to build a wall by taking bricks from the bottom and stacking them on top.


Anyone Seen Blee?


Wednesday, February 11, 2009

In Contex- Phoenix

TBG: "It's a Brazilian Steakhouse. It's different."
Blee: "What, are they waxed or something?

End of Lesson


Tuesday, February 10, 2009

Phoenix Details

Convention Center Heads


David Satan: "A power cable? I have one here in my box."
Everyone (in chorus) "That's what she said!"


Monday, February 09, 2009

Quote out of Context- PHX

Satan David (to Rios): "You know that if you had a chance for a sixth digit, you'd go for it."

Yeah...wait. What?


TWSS - 1

SatanDavid: "That meat doesn't look very good..."
Carol: "That's what she said."

Oh Jeebus, it has already begun.
Its going to be a long event...


Hmmm... I just noticed something...

I just drove 2000 miles across Florida, Alabama, Mississippi, Louisiana, Texas, New Mexico, and Arizona... and never stopped at a Hooters.

I'm not sure how that happened.

Well, there's always the return trip.


Better Have a Doctor Take a Look at That

Skin condition...


Sunday, February 08, 2009

New Mexico Existentialism

Schrodringer's Duststorm?
(String Theory Meterology)


Sure Enough.

Mile Marker 120 in New Mexico, Border Patrol checkpoint, all vehicles.
I got waved off the line and had to let C&I search the car.

What will you bet it was due to the Ft. Hancock encounter?

(Out of the car, spread-eagle on the hood.)

Now What?

Jeebus! Now it's a dust storm making my life "interesting"!

Close Encounter with a Cattle Prod

I stopped for gas in Ft. Hancock Tx.

All the pumps were occupied so I took a spin around town to wait out the rush...
There is a US-Mexico border crossing just south of town, about a mile off I-10.
I drove close to the actual port of entry to have a peek at the facility.
The existing building looks fairly modern and adequate, but they are spending your tax dollars on a new big shiny facility.
The port is down a long road, and they (C&I) can see everything that approaches.
I wasn't going to cross the border and I didn't want to bug anyone, so I split.

I headed to the gasso and started to fill up...
a Border Patrol truck pull in with the driver and passenger regarding me closely.

They pulled up near me, watching as I filled my car.

No doubt they had seen me near the port and my activity raised susupicions.

"What the hell." I thought. "I think I'll beard the tiger."
I pulled out of the pump area and parked right next to them and started to do my fuel/milage log. The officer on the passenger's side of the truck continued to watch me... I didn't even look at him as I entered my figures...
Then I got out and opened the rear door of the car, giving them a good look inside as I got a bottle of water out of a bag in the back seat.
They started the truck and started to pull out... They pulled back just enough so the driver and the both could see me...

Then the passenger pulled a camera and shot my picture and a picture of my car.


I smiled and laughed...
"Hey want to take another one? I think my eyes were closed."

They drove off...
I'm not sure how I feel about this... They are doing their jobs, they didn't harass me (if anything I was screwing with them) but something about the encounter is just a little unsettling.

TBG out-

DHS in Action

Wow- Homeland Security is open for business this Sunday morning.

(No pics since I didn't want to draw attention to myself. Sorry.)

At mile marker 100 the DHS C&I (Customs and Immigration) had a roadblock up and was checking all eastbound vehicles, and from the look of the large group of folks sitting off to one side under armed guard, it looked like the fishing was good.

I wonder if there will be a westbound checkpoint the other side of ElPaso/Laredo...


More Texas

Woo hoo. More I-10.


Saturday, February 07, 2009

West Texicas

I-10 just goes on and on and on and on...


Signs of Our Times

At a gas station near Segovia TX


West of San Antonio



It's hard to hold the camera straight while fighting traffic...


Moving Again

7:00AM CST - Orange, Texas
Can I make it all the way to El Paso in one day of driving?
848 miles, 12 hours behind the wheel, depending on traffic in Houston and San Antonio.
Stay tuned...

That's Enough For Today...

600 miles has me just short of Red Stick.
(That's Baton Rouge for you purists...)
Time to find a spot to snooze.

(And a big 'Thank You' to Trooper Anderson of the LSP for not giving me a ticket.)


Friday, February 06, 2009

Highway Hypnosis

8:30PM CST - Florida-Alabama State Line.
400 miles so far...


Driving my life away, pt 1

3:58 pm - I-10 & I-75
100 miles down, 1,949 to go.

Woo hoo.


Wednesday, February 04, 2009

Words of Wisdom

"Biologically speaking, if something bites you it's more likely to be female."
- Desmond Morris



So very, very true.


Tuesday, February 03, 2009


Zombie food.

(Hmmmm. Made in China, eh? Explains a lot.)


Pork & Stupidity

Shit that needs to be removed from the so-called Stimulus Bill in the Senate right now:

• $2 billion earmark to re-start FutureGen, a near-zero emissions coal power plant in Illinois that the Department of Energy defunded last year because it said the project was inefficient.

• A $246 million tax break for Hollywood movie producers to buy motion picture film.

• $650 million for the digital television converter box coupon program.

• $88 million for the Coast Guard to design a new polar icebreaker (arctic ship).

• $448 million for constructing the Department of Homeland Security headquarters.

• $248 million for furniture at the new Homeland Security headquarters.

• $600 million to buy hybrid vehicles for federal employees.

• $400 million for the Centers for Disease Control to screen and prevent STD's.

• $1.4 billion for rural waste disposal programs.

• $125 million for the Washington sewer system.

• $150 million for Smithsonian museum facilities.

• $1 billion for the 2010 Census, which has a projected cost overrun of $3 billion.

• $75 million for "smoking cessation activities."

• $200 million for public computer centers at community colleges.

• $75 million for salaries of employees at the FBI.

• $25 million for tribal alcohol and substance abuse reduction.

• $500 million for flood reduction projects on the Mississippi River.

• $10 million to inspect canals in urban areas.

• $6 billion to turn federal buildings into "green" buildings.

• $500 million for state and local fire stations.

• $650 million for wildland fire management on forest service lands.

• $1.2 billion for "youth activities," including youth summer job programs.

• $88 million for renovating the headquarters of the Public Health Service.

• $412 million for CDC buildings and property.

• $500 million for building and repairing National Institutes of Health facilities in Bethesda, Maryland.

• $160 million for "paid volunteers" at the Corporation for National and Community Service.

• $5.5 million for "energy efficiency initiatives" at the Department of Veterans Affairs National Cemetery Administration.

• $850 million for Amtrak.

• $100 million for reducing the hazard of lead-based paint.

• $75 million to construct a "security training" facility for State Department Security officers when they can be trained at existing facilities of other agencies.

• $110 million to the Farm Service Agency to upgrade computer systems.

• $200 million in funding for the lease of alternative energy vehicles for use on military installations.


Fight for Kisses


Monday, February 02, 2009

Mistaken Identity

Nice mugshot.


Stuff Women Really Need To Know About Men

Men are From Mars-Women are from Venus

I'm OK You're OK

Chicken Soup for Soul

Personal Relationships for Dummies

There are a thousand "How-To" books on relationships and understanding the other gender...
Women might be a mystery to men, and there has been much rending of garments and gnashing of teeth to try to get men to understand women.

Face it: A guy will spend untold hours, years even, trying to understand the intricacies of the timing and spark advancement in 455 Chevy V-8 Big Block with a 4-barrel Smithson carburetor, but rely on 2 minute, half-heard, completely misunderstood piece of advice from a bartender in a sports bar, and think he now understands women.
Lunacy, right?

But, women aren't doing their part. In order for us to get along at all, there are a few things that they should know about men too:

Let me help you our with a couple of concepts:

  • If you’re cooking a special dinner for a man, be sure to include something from each of the four major male food groups: Meat, Fried, Beer, and Red.

  • When he asks for a threesome with you and your best friend, he is only joking.
    * Unless the answer is yes.
    * In which case, can he videotape it?

  • Any sort of injury involving the testicles is not funny. Seriously.

  • Don’t make him hold your purse in the mall. It does something to our manhood.

  • Shopping is not fascinating. Ever.
    * Shopping for electronics is not shopping. It's more like research.
    * Auto Parts too.
    * And guns. Can't forget the guns.

  • It is only common courtesy to leave the toilet seat up when you’re done.

  • If you really want a nice guy, stop dating good-looking assholes.

  • The man is always in charge of poking the campfire with a stick and/or tending the grill.

  • Trying to provoke a large, dangerous-looking felon from across the room is not funny.

  • Don’t hog the covers. Really.

  • If he has to sit through “The Notebook”, you have to sit through “Showgirls”.

  • “Fine.” is not an acceptable way to end an argument.

  • Money does not equate love. Not even in Nevada.

  • If you truly want honesty, don’t ask questions you don’t really want the answer to.

  • Of course he wants another beer.

  • The guy doesn’t always have to sleep on the wet spot.

  • He does not want to be just friends.

  • Do not question a man’s innate navigational abilities by suggesting he stop for directions.

  • He was not looking at that other girl.
    * Well, okay… maybe a little.
    * Okay, so what! He was looking at her. Big deal. Like you never looked at another guy...

  • He is the funniest, strongest, best-looking, most successful man you have ever met.
    * And all your friends think so too. Especially the cute ones.

  • Your dress/butt/boobs/hair/makeup/legs look fine. As a matter of fact, it/they look damn good. Stop asking.

  • If you want a satisfying sex life, you will never fake an orgasm. Ever.

  • Despite the overwhelming evidence to the contrary in many of the fine bars and fraternities throughout the country, not all men are cretins deserving your contempt.

  • It is not necessary to discuss the heaviness of your menstrual flow with him.

  • Remember: that Nair bottle looks an awful lot like shampoo if left in the shower.

  • Any attempt by a man to prepare food, no matter how feeble (ie: Microwaving a burrito, fixing Spaghetti, etc) should be met with roughly the same degree of praise a parent might shower upon their infant when it walks for the first time.

  • Those male models with perfect bodies are all gay. Accept it.

  • He heard you the first time. Honest.

  • You know, you can ask him out too… Let’s spread the rejection around a little.

  • Dirty laundry comes in several categories: Looks fine/smells fine, Looks fine/smells bad, Looks dirty/smells fine. Unless you intend to wash it, do not try to disrupt piles organized in this manner.

  • Yes, Sharon Stone/Pamela Anderson/Cindy Crawford is prettier than you. Just like Brad Pitt/Antonio Banderas/Keanu Reeves is better looking than him. But since neither one of you is going to be dating any of these people, love the one you’re with.

  • Of course size matters, and boy does he have the grandaddy of them all.

  • His bald spot/beer gut/impossibly thick glasses/impotency/scabby rash, is cute.

  • Watching football is a major turn-on for you. But please wait until the halftime show to act upon that.


Ohhhh... I got it now...

I was listening to Communist Party Broadcasting National Public Radio on the way to the office this morning- two media Democrat apologists idiots liberals glossing-over Geithner and Daschle's tax shenanigans and praising Urkel's cabinet choices.

As I thought about it, it dawned on me:
Democrat lawmakers don't care about higher taxes because they aren't paying taxes.

Silly rabbit, Ethics are for Republicans...

Still... I'm going to start making a list of valid excuses for when I get audited, sued, or fined for evading civic responsibility:
"I had my staff look at it and it was all good."
"I forgot to pay it."
"My staff checked it for accuracy."
"I didn't think I had to pay for it."
"Hey, Nobody's Perfect."
"Turbo Tax said I didn't owe anything."
"Yes we can."


If Walls Could Talk...

Hotel rooms...

I have epic tales of hotel rooms from all over the world-
Beijing, London, Hong Kong, Vancouver, Bugtussel Alabama...

I been next door to several rather enthusiastic couples- encounters that ranged from a 6-minute squeak-squeak-squeak, to a full-blown (heh) broken-furniture-and-dented-drywall 3 hour session of monkey lovin'... There was domestic disturbances that involved thrown furnishings and visits from the police.
I was in Houston where the phone rang at 4 AM and the night manager at the front desk told me that the police were in the lobby and wanted to see me.
(It's not what you're thinking... That penguin was over the age of 21.
Someone had broken into my rental car and they needed information for the report.)

I've had the front desk call me to tell me that one of my neighbors were complaining about my snoring...and there was the time I woke up with a potted palm from the elevator lobby in bed with me.

Did I tell you about the time we got a key for one of our co-workers rooms and removed *everything* from his room? Everything. All furniture. His stuff. The shower curtain. We got in trouble for that one...
(Here lies wisdom: If you unplug the TV, you will get a visit from Hotel Security.)

I was in a room in Mexico City where the Front Desk gave someone else my room. I was getting unpacked and the door opened- and I scared the crap out of a jet-lagged businessman from Texas. (I saw him in the bar later that week and we talked about the incident.) And I have walked in on people in flagrante delicto when I was given the keys for the wrong room...

Hotel room stories are really "Twilight Zone" stuff sometimes...

Now days, when I stay in a hotel, the absolute first thing I do is take the top cover/comforter off the bed, handling it as little as possible, and sticking it in the closet. Two other tips- don't use the telephone (the housekeeping staff never disinfects that thing) and use rubber gloves handling the TV remote (for the same reason).

What you hope went on in the room the night before your stay.

In reality...

The housekeeping staff going through all your shit...

A "Business Meeting"...

Some of the guests from the wedding going on in the Magnolia Room used the room to change before the wedding... then afterwords...

So... Where did you think the low-budget porn you download off the Interweb is filmed?

"Hello, Front Desk? We've got a 'Number 6'. We're going to need a mop-and-bucket crew up in room 2715."

A little Christmas spirit for two department store Santas and their elves... They hired the twin hookers from down in the lobby bar.

You know, if you made that stop in South Carolina at Joker Joe's, it's important that one of you stay awake with the boys...especially if they know where the matches are.

For some off reason, I usually get the room next to this one during my visits to Hong Kong...

...or I'm across the hall from these idjits.

Hello- Front desk? This is The Big Guy in room 2715...
Could you send housekeeping up here? There is a mysterious substance on the floor in my room, and it's trying to crawl into my suitcase.
Tell 'em to hurry.