Thursday, January 26, 2006

More Questions?

There is a certain faction of people out there that are trying to drive me nuts.
(Don't act innocent, you know who you are...)

Look, I'm not Alex Trebek, and I'm not buzzing my answer button...No more questions.

Haven't you people ever imagined a world with no hypothetical questions?


Here are the questions, supply your own smart-assed answers:

If a General is a higher ranking officer than a Major, then why is a major illness worse than a general illness?

When an atheist swears on a Bible before they testify in court do they have to tell the whole truth and nothing but the truth since they don't believe in God?

If a pack of gum says that each piece is 10 calories, is that amount just chewing the gum, or also for swallowing it?

Why does the Easter bunny carry eggs? Rabbits don't lay eggs.

How come only your fingers and toes get wrinkly in the shower and nothing else does?

Doesn't a lightning rod on top of church show a lack of faith?

Are there pink lemons that make pink lemonade?

Why do we say "heads up" when we actually duck?

When a store has double doors why do they only let you use one of them?

If there was a crumb on the table and you cut it in half, would you have two crumbs or two halves of a crumb?

What was Captian Hook's name before he had a hook for a hand?

Why is it that when adults have multiple personalities it's schizophrenia, but when a child has imaginary friends it's cute?

Can you put a gay man in a straight jacket?

Do stairs go up or down?

Do coffins have lifetime guarantees?

If "Hooters" were to become a door-to-door delivery service would they have to change their name to "Knockers"?

When French people swear do they say "Pardon my English"?

Who was the first person to say, "See that chicken over there... I'm gonna eat the first thing that comes out if its butt"?

If electricity comes from electrons, does morality come from morons?

Do illiterate people get the full effect of Alphabet soup?

Why is it illegal to park in a handicapped parking space but its ok to use a handicapped toilet?

Why is it that if something says, "do not eat" on the packaging it becomes extra tempting to eat?

Wouldn't it be smart to make the sticky stuff on envelopes taste like chocolate?

Why isn't chocolate considered a vegetable, if chocolate comes from cocoa beans, and all beans are a vegetable?

Why is it when we talk to God we are praying, but when God talks to us we are put into the loony bin?

Why did Mary own a little lamb?

If a missing person sees their picture on a milk carton that offers a reward, would they get the money?

Is Jerry Garcia grateful to be dead?

How come popcorn isn't a vegetable?

Why do they put the names of football teams on baseball caps?

If I had my legs amputated, would I have to change my height and weight on my driver's license?

How come you pay an extra 25 cents to get something put on your hamburger but they don't take off the price if you get something taken off?

Do pyromaniacs wear blazers?

Since bread is square, then why is sandwich meat round?

Since a running back runs forward, why is he called a running back?

Why do they call the small candy bars the "fun sizes"? Wouldn't be more fun to eat a big one?

If money doesn't grow on trees then why do banks have branches?

How important does a person have to be before they are considered assassinated instead of just murdered?

Why do you have to "put your two cents in" but it's only a "penny for your thoughts"? Where's that extra penny going too ?

How come you can kill a deer and put it on your wall but it's illegal to keep one as a pet?

What do vegetarians feed their dogs?

Why does a round pizza come in a square box?

If a man has no fingers, can he press charges?

Why do people say, "you've been working like a dog" when dogs just sit around all day?

Why isn't the word 'gullible' in the dictionary?

Why is it that people say they "slept like a baby" when babies wake up every two hours?

Why is it when we ask for the check in a restaurant they bring us a bill?

Why do they call him a Skipper when he just stands there?

Why does "lake" come first (Lake Michigan) and "river" come second (Mississippi River)?

If a deaf person has to go to court, is it still called a hearing?

Why are you IN a movie, but you're ON TV?

Can't anybody who has a job go in the "employees only" doors at restaurants? Shouldn’t they be more specific and say "employees of this place only"?

What is the parking situation like at the Special Olympics?

Why do they put Canadian bacon on Hawaiian Pizza?

How come we choose from just two people for President and fifty for Miss America?

How come when you go in the front door of a church, you are at the back of the church, and if you go in the back door, you would end up in the front of the church?

Why is Bra singular and Panties plural?

If ignorance is bliss, why aren’t more people happy?

What does the T in T-Shirt really mean?

How can someone be dirt poor, and another be filthy rich?

Do cemetery workers prefer the graveyard shift?

Why do black olives come in cans and green olives come in jars

Why is it considered necessary to nail down the lid of a coffin?

Do dumped farmers get John Deere letters?

Why do they call them "Animal Crackers" when there not even crackers...they're cookies?

How do you throw away a garbage can?

Why in baseball is it called the World Series if it is only played in the U.S.A & Canada?

Why are things typed up but written down?

Why is it called a TV set when there is only one?

If it's zero degrees outside today and it's supposed to be twice as cold tomorrow, how cold is it going to be?

Why do they call it an escalator if it takes you down?

Why do drugstores make the sick walk all the way to the back of the store to get their prescriptions while healthy people can buy cigarettes at the front?

If croutons are stale bread, why do they come in airtight packages?

Why is the third hand on the watch called second hand?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

What do people in China call their good plates?

Why do people point to their wrist when asking for the time, but people don't point to their crotch when they ask where the bathroom is?

What was the best thing before sliced bread?

Can good looking Eskimo girls be called hot?

Do sore thumbs really stick out?

Why does Bugs bunny walk around the cartoon naked, but puts a bathing suit on when he goes swimming?

Can you make cheese out of human breast milk?

Why is it called butterfingers when there is no butter or fingers in it?

If Pringles are "so good that once you pop, you can't stop" why do they come with a resealable lid?

Why do you click on start to exit Microsoft Windows?

Have you ever wondered why Trix are only for kids?

Why is a person that handles your money called a BROKER?

Why do they have handicap parking spaces in front of they skating rings?

Why do they sterilize needles for lethal injections?

If a Man is talking in the forest and there is no woman there to hear him, is he still wrong?

If Barbie is so popular, then why do you have to buy her friends?

Why do they call it an asteroid when its outside the hemisphere but call it a hemorrhoid when its in your ass?

Can atheists get insurance for acts of God?

Could someone ever get addicted to counseling? If so, how could you treat them?

Did you ever notice when you blow in a dog's face he gets mad at you? But when you take him in a car, he sticks his head out the window!

How do they get a deer to cross at that yellow road sign?

If an orange is orange, why isn't a lime called a green or a lemon called a yellow?

How much deeper would the ocean be if sponges didn't grow in it?

If a bus station is where a bus stops, and a train station is where a train stops, why do I have a work station on my desk?

If people from Poland are called Poles, why aren't people from Holland called Holes?
If you ate pasta and anti-pasta, would you still be hungry?

Should crematoriums give discounts for burn victims?

What is the speed of dark?

When your pet bird sees you reading the newspaper, does he wonder why you're just sitting there, staring at carpeting?

Why are builders afraid to have a 13th floor but book publishers aren't afraid to have a Chapter 11?

Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

Why aren't there bulletproof pants?

Why do we put suits in a garment bag and garments in a suitcase?

Why doesn't "onomatopoeia" sound like what it is?

Why is a person who plays the piano called a pianist, but a person who drives a race car not called a racist?


OK.... Are you happy now?

TBG Out.

Monday, January 23, 2006

I'm going to die...

This really doesn't suprise me...

You scored as Disappear. Your death will be by disappearing, probably a camping trip gone wrong or an evening hike you never returned from. Always remeber that one guy who was hiking alone and got in a rock slide. He could have died, but he cut his own hand off to save himself. Don't end up like him (or worse, dead).



















Natural Causes


Cut Throat






How Will You Die??
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Wednesday, January 18, 2006

Award Shows

Y'know something that really gets my knickers in a twist?

Entertainment Industry award shows.

We're right in the middle of the Award Show season...
The Golden Globes, the SAG awards, the Obies, the Emmys, the LA Film Critics Awards, the Grammys (and Latin Grammys), the ESPYs, the Tonys, MTV's Music Video Awards, and of course, the Academy Awards...
(With all the different people out there throwing statuettes at each other, if you don't win something this year, your agent just isn't trying hard enough.)

It really turns my stomach to see the Hollywood glitterati gladhanding each other, giving themselves awards, dressing in the most tasteless manner...
It just makes me ill.
And to top it all off, there are TV shows about the shows, and there are TV shows about what happens before the show, and of course, shows about what goes on at the parties after the shows...

Award shows, in general, are an excuse to self-publicise...
Do we see this in any other industry?
What if all the car makers got together and gave each other awards every year?
"And the award for the best body style of 2005 goes to... Isuzu, for the new Eclipse!!"
How about chefs?
"And in the Best Rack of Lamb catagory, the nominees are..."
You don't see this kind of thing in NORMAL businesses, because the award you get when you do a good job is that people BUY your product or service...
If you don't do a good job you go out of business or lose your job, or whatever.

In the Entertainment Industry, if you don't get the award, or worse, don't get nominated, God forbid, it is cause for some world class pouting...and let me tell you, that is one crowd that is capable of putting on a serious act of being offended if they think they are being dissed... And for all the gushing sincerity you see when they are accepting their chrome plated bijou, remember that these people are ACTORS, ferchrissake! There isn't a real and sincere bone in their bodies... They make a living by ACTING sincere... So as they are up at the poduim thanking their moms and their dogs and their stockbrokers and bartenders, all they are trying to do is to prolong their time in the spotlight-
"I hope everyone can see how good I am looking, and how well I can act... I need another job this year."

Hey, Hollywood!
If your film/show/play/whatever is worthwhile, we'll go see it.
We don't need to hear clip after clip of pre-show buildups and shameless self-promotion in the weeks leading up to the show... and I could give a shit how many many times you've been nominated, or how many awards you've got, or how many times your have been snubbed.

Geez... I'm surprised I don't blow a gasket just watching all the crap as the cover it on the news... As if it were actually someting important...
"Three dead in Iraq today, two hundred killed in chemical spill- But first! The Oscar nominees are announced! Here's the live report from Hollywood..."

TBG out. (Reading a book. Try it some time.)

(What book? This week's read is Malcom Lowry's Under the Volcano.)

Saturday, January 14, 2006

FAQ - Tortugas Edition

Frequently Asked Questions - Tortugas Edition.

Q: Hot enough for ya?
A: Nope. I want it so hot that all the visitors melt as they step off the boat.

Q: Is that Cuba? (Pointing to Loggerhead Key)
A: Yep. That lighthouse is the harbor light for Havana.

Q: How far are we from Havana, Cuba?
A: 24,770 miles. (I prefer going via the polar route.)

Q: Are the Cuban Refugees that get here allowed to stay?
A: Yep. We issue each of them a tent and they are all now living in the campground.

Q: Are these migratory islands?
A: Yes. They spend the winter in South America, returning here each spring..

Q: Where is the best place to snorkle?
A: Well... You can start by getting the the water.

Q: Where is the water?
A: Pick a direction and start walking.

Q: Can I snorkle without getting in the water?
A: Sure. Go see the folks at Capt. Ricks Rent-a-Sub out by the dock... They'll set you right up. It's right next to the Starbucks.

Q: Has anyone ever fallen off the top of the fort?
A: Sure. Want to be next?

Q: Why are there fish in the moat?
A: They got tired of living in the campground with the Cuban Refugees.

Q: If you guys have DirecTV, how come my cell phone won't work out here?
A: You need a better phone.

Q: What did they do with the dead bodies? (Soldiers/prisoners who died from yellow fever)
A: Catapults. We used the catapults.

Q: How do y'all get out here every morning?
A: We take the tunnel from Key Wast.

Q: Do you live out here?
A: Just barely.

Q: What do you eat?
A: We exist on solely on SANDwiches...

Q: Are there Rangers here?
A: Yes- 4 Park Rangers, 2 Power Rangers, 3 Rescue Rangers, and one Texas Ranger.

Q: Are there any animals here?
A: Only the ones who come out on Sunny Days or the Yankee Freedom.

Q: Where are all the pretty fish?
A: Oops. I forgot to turn on the Pretty Fish machine...

Q: Are there turtles here?
A: No. But we have some nice pralines and truffles.

Q: Do the turtles eat marshmallows?
A: Yes, but, there is a similar issue to the problem of birds eating rice from weddings...
Just imagine the same kind of thing with turtle shell shrapnel flying everywhere when one goes off...

Q: Where do you keep the pelicans at night?
A: They are sent back to Key West on the Yankee Freedom and Sunny Days every afternoon.

Q: What do the sooty terns sound like at night?
A: Well, one night last June I sat out on the dock and listened to them over on Bush Key...
The noise was similar to a moving van full of waffles running over a herd of donkeys.

Q: Will my iPod work out here?
A: Yes, but it will only play Jimmy Buffet tunes and Calypso music.

TBG out-

Monday, January 09, 2006

Current Events

So... A quick recap of the last few days:

Friday- No Boats came out from Key West. Weather was pretty bad- 30 knot winds, gusts into the 40s. I had 6 campers: a guy and a girl from Philadelphia- very low-maintenance folks, and 4 guys from Croatia (I think) who were ill-prepared for bad weather.
I tried to warn them on Thursday that the boats might not be running for a couple days, but they wanted to stick it out. They were relying on their survival skills to procure food- fishing off the dock for snappers- and not doing well at it.
They had plenty of water and beer but no food...
By Friday afternoon they were worried- it didn't look good for boats on Saturday either. Winds were still high and the tempature was dropping.
We called Sunny Days And Yankee- they said the jury was still out for Saturday and to call back in the morning.
Saturday was still windy and cold (67 degrees) but one of the boats was coming out- I believe it was only because of the campers... they only had 12 people on the boat.
No campers on Saturday night- and both boats came out Sunday, and still no campers. Hooha!
We decided to try to prep the 7 chugs on the seaplane ramp to be removed by the cargo boat, so I have been spending most of my time mucking out the chugs and removing the trash to the burn pile, and removing the engines from the boats themselves...

(Click for larger pic)

The chugs are made to survive the trip across the gulfstream, a one-way trip, so they are built to make it- not to be deconstructed, so it is a huge effort to get the things apart...
It is kind of a backwards "Junkyard Wars"...

Monday- We're almost finished prepping the chugs- 2 motors left to pull. We've removed about 25 gallons of diesel fuel and several huge trash barrels of old clothes, shoes, food and other miscellaneous garbage.
Both boats are running today- probably 60 visitors on the island today...
And the best news- no campers on the boats today.

Another quiet night on the Tortugas...

TBG out-

Friday, January 06, 2006

Ugly weather

No boats today...

I was out on Dawn Patrol at about 6:30 this morning, scanning for chugs.
On the way out I checked the weather station- Wind steady in the high 20s, gusts up to 38mph. 65 degrees. Not pretty.
I called Sunny Days & the Yankee, they aren't coming.
Hoo ha!

So... No Migrants, No visitors, probably no seaplanes either, due to the high winds.

I'm cleaning the bathrooms, then heading back to my quarters.

TBG Out.

Thursday, January 05, 2006


Another load of Migrants this AM... A small chugboat arrived on Long Key at 6:50am.
(Fortunately we were already up and loading recyclables on the Park supply boat for transport back to Key West.)

Let's look at the scoreboard...

Dec 30 - 15
Dec 31 - 13
Jan 1 - 22
Jan 2 - 12
Jan 3 - 0 <--- WTF?
Jan 4 - 34
Jan 5 - 13

So... 107 in the last 7 days.
And if you are curious about the gender breakdown,
103 Men, 4 women.

(Scoring courtesy of Swiss Timing)

TBG Out-

Tuesday, January 03, 2006

Don't molest the wildlife.

One of our campers came up to me yesterday morning...
They had accidently dropped a dive mask off the dock where the ferries park and wanted to try to retrieve it before the boats arrived for the day.
"No problem," I told them, "but just be aware of the Goliath Grouper under the dock."

"Really? Are they dangerous?" they asked.
"Well... They're big.. The biggest one is about 275lbs."
"Wow. Do they attack? I mean, would they bite?" they asked.
"Uh... Well, they'll attack...But it's not what you're thinking."
They gave me a puzzled look.
"It's their mating season. If you're attacked, fake an orgasm."

They didn't try to get the mask.

TBG Out-

Monday, January 02, 2006

Got Chug?

It's been busy-busy-busy out here...

We've had migrants 4 nights in a row now- 15 on the 30th, 13 on the 31st, 22 on the 1st, and 12 this morning.
Our goodwill is wearing a little thin now, along with a lot of other things.
We're almost out of supplies of spare clothes, extra food, etc that we need to deal with the migrants. We've been scavenging the leftovers from Sunny Days' and Yankee Freedom's lunch buffet to take to the migrants so they have at least a little something to eat...
Today's group arrived at sunup this morning, but the Coast Guard won't be able to get them until tomorrow AM...
There will probably be a new group on shore tomorrow anyway, so it's just as well...

It's getting so bad that when we hear the radio in the early morning hours we already know what the content of the message will be...
This morning's radio conversation was indicative of our situation:

Just after dawn this morning we heard,
"200, 200, this is Loggerhead."
The volunteers on Loggerhead Key were calling in...
"How many?" was Willy's only reply, the resignation in his voice came through almost tangibly on the radio. He already knew what they were calling in for...
"200, 200... We have 12, 10 men, 2 women. Came in on a chug on the southeast shore."
Long pause.
"Loggerhead...{heavy sigh} Yeah- we'll be over shortly."

The machine was set in motion; Calls would be made to the Coast Guard, food and medical supplies would be secured and transported to Loggerhead; the migrants would be searched and pre-processed for the trip to Key West and from there to Krome.

Just another day in paradise.
62 migrants in 4 days...
Do the math.

TBG Out.