...A man walked into a bar and sat down next to a man with a dog at his feet.
"Does your dog bite?" he asked.
"No." he replied.
A few minutes later the dog took a huge chunk out of the man's leg.
"I thought you said your dog doesn't bite!" he said indignantly.
The other guy replied, "That's not my dog."
...This mushroom walks into a bar and starts hitting on this woman... She, of course, turns him down. Not willing, to give up, he pleads with her...
"C'mon lady, I'm a fun guy..."
...This horse walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Hey, buddy, why the long face...
...These two strings walk upto a bar.
The first string walks in and orders and the bartender throws him out and yells "I don't serve strings in this bar...
The other string ruffs himself up on the street and curls up and orders...
The bartender shouts, Hey, didn't you hear what I told your buddy?"
String says "Yeah."
Bartender says, "aren't you a string?"
String says, "No, I'm a frayed knot..."
...This grasshopper walks into a bar.
The bartender says "Hey! We have a drink named after you!"
The grasshopper replies "Really? You have a drink named Steve?!"
...This baby seal walks into a bar.
The bartender asks, "What'll ya have...?"
The seal says, "Anything but a Canadian Club...
...This skeleton walks into a bar and says, "I'd like a beer and a mop..."
...A neutron walks into a bar.
"I'd like a beer" he says.
The bartender promptly serves up a beer.
"How much will that be?" asks the neutron.
"For you?" replies the bartender, "no charge"
...A three legged dog walks into a bar and says,
"I'm looking for the man who shot my paw..."
...A hamburger walks into a bar.
The bartenders says, "I'm sorry, but we don't serve food here..."
...A termite walks into a bar and says, "Is the bar tender here?"
...A snake slithers into a bar and the bartender says,
"I'm sorry but I can't serve you."
"Why not?" asks the snake.
The bartender says, "Because you can't hold your liquor..."
...A guy walks into a bar with a set of jumper cables.
The bartender says "Hey man, don't you start anything in here..."
...A guy walks into a bar. "OUCH!" he said...
...Two peanuts walked into a bar, and one was a-salted...
...Two vampires walked into a bar and called for the bartender.
"I'll have a glass of blood," said one.
"I'll have a glass of plasma", said the other.
"Okay," replied the bartender, "that'll be one blood and one blood lite..."
...Two hydrogen atoms walk into a bar.
One says, "I think I've lost an electron."
The other says "Are you sure?"
The first says, "Yes, I'm positive..."
...Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar.
The bartender, a tub of cottage chesse, says to them, "We don't serve your kind in here."
One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, "Why not? We're cultured individuals."
...a man walked into a bar, sat down, and ordered a beer.
As he sipped the beer, he heard a soothing voice say "nice tie!"
Looking around he noticed that the bar was empty except for himself and the bartender at the end of the bar. A few sips later the voice said "beautiful shirt."
At this, the man called the bartender over,"Hey...i must be losing my mind," he told the bartender. "I keep hearing these voices saying nice things, and there's not a soul in here other than us."
"It's the peanuts" answered the bartender.
"Say what?"
"You heard me" said the barkeep."it's the peanuts... they're complimentary."
...A group of chess enthusiasts and were standing around in the entrance of a bar discussing their recent tournament victories.
About an hour later the bartender comes out from behind the bar and asked them to disperse.
"But why?", they asked as they moved along.
"Because," said the barkeep, "I can't stand chess nuts boasting in an open foyer."
...It was a doctor's regular habit to stop off at a bar for a hazelnut daiquiri on his way home and, aware of his habit, the bartender would always have the drink waiting for him at precisely 5:18 PM.
One afternoon as the end of the work-day neared the bartender was dismayed to find he was out of hazelnut extract but, thinking quickly, he threw together a daiquiri made with hickory nuts and set it on the bar.
The doctor came in at his regular time, took one sip of the drink, then exclaimed: "This isn't a hazelnut daiquiri", to which the bartender replied, "No, I'm sorry, it's a hickory daiquiri, doc."
And my personal favorite:...Rene Descartes walks into a bar.
The bartender asks "Would you like a beer?"
Descartes replies "I think not" and POOF! he vanishes...
